Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Eruption

The Coupon Adventure

So my day started with a coworker giving me a coupon for a free medium coffee at the Krispy Kreme across the street. I don’t like coupons. Which is stupid and shallow of me, I know. I get embarrassed. Not because I think they make me look poor or something, but because they seem so presumptuous. “Hello, I know how to use scissors. Please give me free stuff.”

I also hate coupons because most of the time I’ve forgotten to read some tiny print on the coupon and am informed that I can’t use my coupon, not on Tuesdays and not on the East Coast between the hours of 9 am to 8 am. But free coffee? All over that. Plus, I had to run to the pharmacy in the same shopping center as the Krispy Kreme, so it just made good sense.

I had to drop off (surprise surprise) a bazillion refill prescriptions for The Crazy Pills. Okay, just three. But still. The pharmacist there must think I am the most tragic head case ever. My prescription history there looks something like this (yeah, suck that, HIPAA):

February:
Pre-fertility-drug drug
Fertility drug
Prenatal vitamins (haaaaaaaaaaa!)

March:
Pre-fertility-drug drug
Fertility drug

April:
Tylenol with Codeine for phantom broken foot

May:
Fertility drug

June:
Fertility drug

July:
Stony silence

August:
Antidepressant #1
Mood stabilizer #1, dosage #1
Antidepressant #2
Antidepressant #3, dosage #1
Mood stabilizer #1, dosage #2

September:
Scary anti-psychotic mood stabilizer horse tranquilizer #1
Scary anti-psychotic mood stabilizer horse tranquilizer #2
Antidepressant #3, dosage #2
Antidepressant #4, dosage #1

October:
Mood stabilizer #1, dosage #3
Antidepressant #4, dosage #2
Mood stabilizer #2

It’s like a roadmap to Babyville with a huge-ass detour through the Dark Land of the Crazy. Anyway. So I drop off my prescriptions and try to look like someone who is stable and also possesses reliable health insurance, which would imply a job and responsibilities.

Then I encountered the Suburbia Phenomenon in which I, a city girl, got in my car, drove to the other side of the same shopping center and reparked my car. Come on, you know you do it too. Why though? What is it about suburban strip malls that suddenly turn me into a big fat lazy ass who drives five lanes over to go to Krispy Kreme?

Again, anyway. I went into Krispy Kreme, where there was a line of other people who presumably also made sure they had the shortest possible walk from door to car, because we all wanted to start eating our donuts immediately. I took this opportunity to listen to my voice mail, which I never listen to if I recognize the number, because I can usually guarantee I already know why you’re calling me.

Jason? Wants to know if I’m home and what the dog’s poop looks like today. My mom? Wants me to call her already, good lord, she’s worried. Coleen? Is drunk and wants to sing me a song. While I did this I found two “voice memos” I somehow managed to record for myself at Andie’s wedding. I am drunk. I am slurring. I am full of HYSTERICAL ideas for my entry about the wedding. Fo’ reaaaal bitch. They’re so good. I wish you could hear them. I would try to make them into an AudioBlog if I had any idea how to do that.

Or if AudioBlog posts didn’t annoy the living SHIT out of me. Because, hello, I’m most likely to be reading your blog at work. So I’m supposed to ANNOUNCE to the entire office that I’m reading your blog at work? Also what, are you that entranced with the sound of your own damn voice?

ANYWAY.

The first memo is about how I ate Andie’s piece of wedding cake and how it was funny because she and I once ate that other bride’s cake by mistake. But duh, I made Jason take a picture of me eating her cake, so of course I would remember that one. The other one goes like this: “Oh shit. I forget what I was going to record. Because it took me so long to hit the button...thing...um. OH! Okay, definitely write about how your hair fell out during the car ride to the hotel. Because that’s frickin’ weird. Okay, bye!”

So first, I hate my voice, because I sound like I’m 12. Second, I love how I say goodbye to myself on voice memos. Third, why does my language actually IMPROVE when I’m drunk? Also my hair did not “fall out,” like, out of my head. My fancy hairdo just spontaneously collapsed as soon as I got in the car. Frickin’ weird, indeed.

Oh, so by now I’m at the counter of Krispy Kreme, furtively clutching my little coupon, which I handed over to a bunch of Blank Stares. “What’s this?” The girl asked. “So I guess I give you a free coffee?” (See? Coupons and I do not work. We just don’t.) I got my free coffee, and then proceed to order a bunch of donuts so they wouldn’t think I was a freeloader. I ate them all in the car as I drove back across the street to my office.

Somebody called me and I didn’t answer because I’m terrified of the telephone, because I am Crazy. They didn’t leave a voice mail. Oh well.

Comments

Sabine

Yeah, I hate using those free coupons. I get a free pound of coffee after I buy so many at my local store, and I always feel wierd when I walk up and hand over the coupon.

I was once a bridesmaid in a wedding, and they gave me big, stiff hair. It was so not me. After the wedding (thank goodness after), my hair just sort of, well, fell over and died. Looked better that way, funny enough.

Fraulein N

Hee. I'm a little afraid to use coupons, too. Not the ones for free stuff, I'm talking about discount coupons. Because it damn near guarantees that my purchase won't equal the amount required on the coupon. Stupid fine print.

Lee

They have a perscription for "stony silence"? That explains so much about my life right now.

Sarcomical

coupons in grocery store = good
coupons in coffee shop with stupid asshat weirdo barista = bad

also, i love your road map of drugs. ha! makes me want to hug you and squish you and get you off The Crazy somehow so you can be The Mommy.

oh and also some more, please don't be afraid of the phone. because i think i will want to give you my number so we can talk verbally some day, and i don't want you to be too afraid to pick up. that will make me sad. :(

plus, phones are not that bad. it's those damn microwaves with all their spitting out of evil rays that should scare the piss out of you.

Rachael

I am also terrified of the phone. Not so much answering it as picking it up and using it to call people. Coupons are great in theory - but as you have pointed out, don't work so well in real life. They're like a gateway to becoming a packrat.

Mir

You ate all the Krispy Kremes and didn't save even one for me?? Oh, jebus, that is IT, sister. Now I will leave you long blathering wandering exclamation-heavy posts about how you should be planning for my trip to your place so that I can love you and hug you and squeeze you and also, kick your ass. (SMOOOOOOOCHIES!!!!!!) On the up side, this will make you feel far less crazy, in comparison to ME.

Rbelle

The Krispy Kreme in my town "does not participate" in KK coupons. So, at least you were not here! Still, I could eat my weight in KKs but then I would be twice my current weight...sigh.

Oliquig

Oh goody, I thought I was alone. There's a woman in my office area who has this coupon ring, where we all bring in coupons we don't use and exchange them. She asked me why I'm not participating, and I lied and said I don't get a newspaper.

Zoot

What DOES Ceiba's poop look like? I'm assuming she's feeling better...

And I'm not a big fan of KK coffee myself...so I wouldnt have used the coupon. But in general? I love coupons.

Amalah

Miss Ceiba is still sick. We went to the vet last night after a particularly messy diarrhea "incident" and got her some
antibiotics.

So until this morning? Her poop looked like the Exxon-Valdez oil spill.

keepergirl

I'm sorry you're scared of the phone but at the same time it makes me feel less weird about being scared of the phone myself. I guess it would be really wrong of me to ask you NOT to stop being scared of the phone, so instead, I'll ask you to let know what ends up helping you get over it. (Unless you are like me and would really rather not get over it, in which case I say we can have a beautiful friendship consisting of not calling each other. Heh.)

Pratt

Krispy Kremes are my Kryptonite...or maybe they are the wind beneath my wings...or a total eclipse of the heart..or wearing sunglasses at night..or damn this sappy soft rock station some ladies at work listen to.

type a

i'm afraid of the telephone too. and when it's not scaring me, it's annoying me. jebus, people. talk? what? no.

having said that? audioblog? wtf? who can explain this to me? anyone? unless you're drunk? lame. and also narcissistic.

phooey!

Roxie

I hate coupons myself, because the whole process is so time consuming, not to mention humilating. There was a time when I had to go on this thing called a budget. Coupons! That'll save some moolah. I bought an organizer and everything. When it came time to use the coupons I felt embarassed and apologized to the other shoppers (I hate getting in line behind "coupon people"). After that I thought I should dye my hair blue and wear a rain bonnet to the store the next time I shop with coupons . . . in about 130 years.

However, give me a Starbucks coupon and I'm all over it! Don't get between me and free caffeine!

Michelle

Amy, I'm totally scared of the phone too. I hate talking to strangers on the phone. My old roommate and I used to fight about whose turn it was to order the Chinese takeout.

Papa John's online ordering system? Best invention ever!

Gary

Your Stony Silence is verrry reassuring. Love your blog!

Heather

So as I was reading your entry about how you're afraid of the phone, my cell phone rang, and of course, I did not answer it. If it's not one of two or three people calling, I fear the phone terribly. And yah for leaving yourself drunk messages. It's like a little gift to yourself days later.

mc

Coupon ring? Hello? That is the frickin' scariest thing I think I've ever heard of. Oliquig, my condolences on the imperious coupon lady.

Coleen

Oh my GOD. I totally am always drunk and want to sing you a song when I call you. What the fuck is that all about? Usually, the song goes like this:

"Aaaaamy/ Answer your phooone/ You and Leeeeigh/ You def. hate meee
I should call/ Martha and Dawn/ because their phones/ are always ooooonnnnnn"

I know. Am brilliant lyricist, like Bernie Taupin without the weird hairpiece-sounding last name.

Coleen

Ugh. Also please for to be fixing that comment so that all slashes are returns instead, because it looks like SHIT. Bernie would be so mad at me for crappy spacing.

GranolaSpice

I never answer my phone. EVER. For I too am scared. I hate when it rings because I jump seven feet into the air and hang onto nearby curtains or walls. If it wasn't for caller ID, I'd never know who was trying to call me. I guess I don't really have to go into being terrified of my answering machine? True.

And I agree about audioblog. Ick. Also? I hate my voice because I sound like a third grader on helium when I hear it played back. The internet is not ready for that. For many things, yes. But not for that.

DeAnn

You look beautiful eating that cake!!

And also, I LOVE coupons, but only because I love to organize and plan and coupons totally make me feel like I've done so, but with very little effort.

Heather

Can we see the pretty flowers from Jason?

Scarlett Cyn

Now you see, if I HAD your phone number, I would TOTALLY call you... YES DARLING, LONG DISTANCE. Not LONG Distance, but LONG-Ass-way-the-fuck-over-here-on-the-other-side-of-the-planet-expensive Long distance. Why? Because I get like that sometimes and I just have to "reach out and touch someone". That someone could. be. YOU. (and if you give me a damn answering machine no at home, don't think I won't leave a message talking to Ceiba AND Max, and Jason, and possibly one for you too, cause I am totally FAMOUS for leaving messages where I'm talking to the animals left alone at home telling them to get into trouble.

Oh, and Amy? I SO loave you. Your prescription history looks like mine. SMOOCHY.

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