This Is Not An Entry About Ashlee Simpson
October 26, 2004
Bah. I tried to write an entry yesterday. I really, really did. I wrote a lot of sentences but they were stupid. And they were all about Ashlee Simpson.
ASHLEE SIMPSON Y'ALL.
I am obsessed with her. The lip-synching! The hoe-down! The scandal! The acid reflux! It's the best story ever, because I have nothing better to do than to take sick pleasure in watching a 20-year-old pop product implode. Schadenfreude, table for one. (I totally just looked that up in the dictionary. Again, I really need a better hobby.)
So I didn't post anything yesterday, because I didn't want an entry about Ashlee Simpson. Entries about Ashlee Simpson do not win you Diarist Awards. Entries about Ashlee Simpson do not convince your father that blogging is a viable path to a professional writing career. Entries about Ashlee Simpson are dated and passe three minutes after you hit "Publish."
So this is not an entry about Ashlee Simpson. Instead? Pictures! With funny captions! Which is only slightly less lazy!
Hi, I'm Ceiba. Saaaay-bah. I enjoy eating cat poop and used tissues. I do not enjoy wearing this stupid hoodie. It is a tad gangsta for my taste. I have recently learned that the outside is a big, big toilet. I also know how to sit and lie down, but only if I can tell that you are holding a treat for me. Am smart. Cat poop is yummy.
I also fart and then look at Mom like, "What did you DO?" See? Smart.
Hi, I'm Max. I am heart-breakingly gorgeous. Am I not gorgeous? And adorably cross-eyed? I enjoy sleeping, shedding and InStyle Magazine. I would also like you to serve me that dog on toast with maybe some mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise.
Hi, I'm Amy's hair. I don't know why she put me in a French braid. French braids are stupid and I haven't been in a French braid since Amy was in middle school and went through that unfortunate wearing-a-French-braid-every-damn-day phase. I would also appreciate it if Amy would stop letting that damn dog chew on me. I also love mayonnaise.
Hi, I'm Amy's purse. I am beautiful. I am cranberry, pink and grey. I would like a matching scarf and maybe a jaunty hat. Amy will buy yarn or perhaps wish list items for anyone who will make me one. Because I own that bitch.
Hi, I'm Amy's flower pin. I am whimsical.