Two Steps Back
October 07, 2004
Damn. Damn damn damn.
I was doing really well there, couldn't you tell? Besides the Volcano Crazy and the Manic Bitch Crazy, I was definitely on an uptick. I made it through the Social Phobia Event of the Season. I made it through a week with the Amazing Projectile Pooping Puppy with grace and ease and four bottles of Nature's Miracle. I made it through a week of Incredibly Important Grown-Up Meetings and did not get fired, but was actually invited to my company's equivalent to the Big Kid's Table for more Incredibly Important Business Planning Brainstorming Thingies.
I made dinner one night and put my clothes away. I went to the store and bought Jason a present to thank him for all the flowers and gifts and molten chocolate lava cakes he's sent me over the last few hellish months. Real-life people who know me complimented me on how "like myself" I was.
La, la, la, bunnies and rainbows and such.
But I think It's back.
I'm still not even sure what "it" is. I just know it sucks and it makes me sad and it makes life hard for everyone around me. It's panic, tears, trembling, insomnia, fear, worry and the urge to self-destruct. It's scratching at my own skin until I bleed and lying about how many Tylenol I just took. It's lying in bed, too terrified to move lest my heart stop beating while at the same time wishing that it would.
I'm not ready to say it's definitely back. That I'm back where I started. I'm not. I can't be, because I'm fighting it too damn hard. I'm not curling up inside of it like a warm blanket. It. It it it.
So I guess all I can do is issue a pre-emptive apology to everyone for birthdays I'll forget, phone calls I won't return, lies I'll tell and crazy things I'll do. I'm sorry. It's not me. It's not who I am.
And I promise that I'm fighting It with every ounce of strength I have. Because I've fucking had ENOUGH of this shit.
Good for you. I know it sounds trite to say hang in there, and all, but I'm going to anyway. Sending good (and sane) thoughts your way.
Stay strong, Amy. You've shown yourself that you CAN feel better, and I assume that some setbacks are probably to be expected (even though not welcomed). Cuddle with Ceiba, hug Jason, and believe that you'll be back to better soon. I do.
Fight it. And remember: no matter where you are, you're not back where you started. Because, well, after all the shit you've been through, you're just NOT.
Girl, you are SO strong. Look how far you've come already. Really. And yeah, every now and then a little slippage will occur. But you've been there and seen YOU again, and you'll get there again. Because the world needs you for the running of TV!
Mwah.
You've been through so much, that you are NOT back where you started from. Think of it as a relapse, one that I know you'll get through. We are all pulling for you.
I've found that nothing I really can say will make things better, but just know that I am one of the many that are hoping all the best for you. You'll pull through this, because you've done it before.
Sending you strength and serenity vibes. You can beat this.
I'm so sorry, Amy. You've shown a lot of strength in the past, and I know you'll make it through this too, with the loavly support people you have. We should all send Jason a box of chocolate. But a wee one. The great big one goes to you, of course.
The seeing "it" and knowing what it is and giving a big fuck you to it is a huge step, QoE. You'll kick it's ass and then some.
Don't make me get out all the capital letters and the excessive exclamation points, now. I'll do it if I have to, but that's the Big Guns, you understand....
A small stumble doesn't mean you've fallen, we're rooting for you.
Much love.
This is not forever. "It" came back, but who says he's gonna stick around for as long as last time? "That" will be back..."that" always, always comes back!
aw, that blows. but just remember, the panic itself can't hurt you. it feels like it can, and it's awful beyond words, and it makes you want to claw your way out of your own skin, but it cannot hurt you.
when i get a little jolt these days, i think "eh, i've been through worse and came out just fine," and it tends to run away yelping. HAH! take that, stupid panic.
Noo! Tell IT you have an entire army ready to get your back and that it should run in fear.
Heh... we can be like Dumbledore's Army. Of Crazy.
Good luck, girl. I hope you can get what you need and who you need and tell it to fuck right off.
Now I feel like a dick for giving you crap yesterday. Feel better - you've got a lot of people pulling for you!
Do want you need to do to get through this. And look at this big group of internet folks who are here if you need us. Stay strong, girl.
Ditto to everything above baby.
Especially the Dumbledore's Army of Crazy. I like that shit mucho. Brilliant that.
Half the battle is realizing that IT is trying to stick its big ass claws in you again. If it's any consolation, the past week, I too have been taking a few goddamn steps back too.
There's lots of good advice there. I can not do better. All I can say is hang in there sweetie good things will come to you.
I've been there, and I hate when I feel like I'm going back (and not having the energy to kick and claw my way away from it.) This may not be any help, but someone very smart and wonderful to me told me "In the end, it will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end." Good luck.
Fight the good fight, Amy. Don't give up!
You put away your clothes?!! AND made dinner?!! For god's sake Amy darling--- that is the behavior of a fully functioning adult. Lie back on your laurels, you have nothing to worry about. You are perfect in every way.
:hugs:
Put on those boxing gloves and then play dirty -- aim below the belt! You can do it! *hugs*
Wishing the bad stuff away and more bunnies and rainbows.Especially the bunnies.
would it make you feel any better to tell you I ordered some of the Bed Head stuff for my really thin hair? And I got a brand new haircut with layers? All because of your Beauty Smackdown Advice? No? Well. I heart you and your cute dog and your wonderful husband and just.hang.on. Know that we adore you, okay?
So sorry, dear. I had a morning taste of "it" yesterday and it felt so awful all over again. I can't imagine that going on and on and on.
I am sad for your pain, and Jason, too. I care about you, Amalah, and I will pray for you to have that super-big miracle all of us crazies need.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Amy, and sending you warm fuzzy anti-"it" vibes. This too shall pass, and in the meantime, there are many hearts holding you close.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. - English proverb
bunnies and rainbows and coach bags to you, darling.
Bitch, you'll do it. Stay strong, motherfucker.