Wednesday Advice Smackdown
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A Letter to the Editor

I will post today. I WILL! But not right now. Because of three words: Editorial. Assist. Ant. As in: I don't have one. So I must do work MYSELF. Over LUNCH. With my OWN HANDS.

So in the meantime, I present a Very Special Guest Post, Or, The Pinnacle of Laziness.

(Thanks to Shiz, who wrote this and is much, much more talented than I am.)

Dear Amy/Amalah/The Publishing Revolución:

I really like your blog. I like to read it when I get up in the morning, even before I've brushed my teeth. Then, after I brush my teeth I check it again, just to see if you've updated. I might make my bed, or take a shower, or apply Bed Head products to my hair, but in between each task I am reloading Amalah.com, because it is just SO DARN GOOD.

I take all of the Amalah.com photos and blow them up huge on my laser printer, and stick them to the walls in my apartment. The ones of your pretty self, Amalah, are super-huge, especially the one of you in a big orange box. You are funny!

I've printed out your entire archives on high-quality paper and have had them professionally bound as reading material for when I don't feel like surfing the net, or when I am in the bathroom. I use all of your recipes from the Recipedown, and think they are SCRUM! DEL! EE! ISHIOUS! I have them in a special recipe box with AMALAH marked on it. I've made sure to make it very pretty.

All of my friends know how much I love you, and how great you are. We have little Amalah parties where we put on make-up the Amalah way, and where we do our hair just like Amalah. Sometimes we take your best posts and we re-enact them for an evening, and we have such a wild and great time. It must be so much fun to actually BE Amalah, because we have so much fun re-enacting your day to day life. My favourite times are when it is my turn to play you, the great Amalah, and I know I might not be perfect at playing you, but I think it's pretty close. I know so much about you, Amalah!

A couple of months ago I took my savings out of my piggy bank and I went and had my hair done like yours. Even though I was born with brown hair, I am sure the Lord God intended me to be like you, because I look SO MUCH like you in my blonde straightened hair. I took twenty-seven Amalah pictures to my hairdresser and we talked about how I wanted to look just like you for like, an hour before she even started. I even tipped her 10%! So now I have Amalah blonde & straight hair with your kind of cut and length. (Though if you could post a recent picture of you I could get the length down perfectly and that'd be great.)

And THEN a friend of mine and I were talking, and she said that if I just have my cheeks lifted just a bit, I would look so much more like the pretty Amalah, so now I am saving up for that. Not to freak you out or anything but you are so pretty and it would be such an honour to look just a little bit more like you. By the way, how tall are you?

There are some things I don't know about you yet. Like, for example, I don't know what your favourite thing is to eat for breakfast. So like, when I play Amalah at Breakfast Time, I'm never sure what I should be eating. Sometimes I think you would like cold pizza with Vegamite on it, and sometimes I think Fruit Loops might be more your thing, but please do tell me because my friends and I want to get the details right.

Other questions are:

If you could live in any European city, which one would it be?

And,

If you were a flavour of frozen yogurt, which flavour would you be and why?

Amalah, I feel I must tell you: I feel so much like we are sisters! We are soul sisters, I think. I LOVE BEING YOUR SOUL SISTER! If I can get permission from my guardians, can I come visit you on May 29th? I think I can get a cheap airfare to DC on May 29th. 2005, that is!

And Amalah I have one more question for you. I see that you have not posted since November 24 and NOW it is November 29th. It has been FIVE DAYS! Do you really think I can live like that? Why haven't you posted, Amalah? I was thinking, maybe, that I did something bad and now you might not like me anymore? Is that why you haven't posted? Because I NEED an update, Amalah, all of us NEED to hear about your Thanksgiving and your husband and your dog, Ceiba. Ceiba is the BEST name ever and I cannot believe you thought of it because that is totally what I was going to name my dog! Now I can't have a dog, but I have a picture of one and I've named her Ceiba and I talk to her, too.

Amalah, you really have to post now, for the good of your fans. I have been refreshing Amalah.com every minute for the past five days, and let me tell you girl, that is a LOT of refreshing!

Why haven't you updated us, Amalah? It is REALLY important that we know what is going on. WE LOVE AMALAH, for crying out loud! The least you could do is update Amalah.com at least five or six times a day. At least.

Amalah, we all love you very much, but this not posting thing NEEDS to be ADDRESSED. We have to know what is going on! We need more Amalah.com scenes to re-enact! Have you stopped loving us, Amalah? Did I do something bad? I always do something bad! But when I do something bad at the home they always tell me they forgive me. Why don't you forgive me, Amalah?

Amalah, one last thing. When I was praying to you last night, did you feel it? Do you feel my prayers or just hear them? Or is it kind of both? I love that you sometimes talk back to me in my room, Amalah, telling me stuff about your day and reassuring me in my prayers. But you haven't been talking much to me lately. I hope you do not hate me. I'll try to be good, Amalah. I want to keep close with my soul sister!

So Amalah, I know that some of your more batshit crazy readers are all over you to post and post and always keep posting, but I don't want to be demanding of you. I won't tell you that you have to. I won't even tell you about my gun or that rock I might throw through your window. I will not be like that. You can post whenever you want, just post soon, please? Please? I cherish you, my soul sister! Please keep writing.

Oh, and one last thing. We moved a desk next to the window in here so now I have a New! Window! Office! too.

Yours with hearts forever (please post too PLEEEEASE?),

Ethel Wymann

Your totally devoted fan!

Comments

lizardek

stalkerlicious! :D

mzm

I'm not sure if you should be flattered or terrified..mmmmm

bmh

That is so deliciously disturbing. REE-REE-REE-REE!!

bluepoppy

Yowza! That was freaking fantastically awesome!!! Shiz-- you freaking genius! That was so good I have to go back and read it again . .. heeeeee

Chris

Two words, Amalah...

Restraining. Order.

Heather

"I always feel like, somebody's WATCHing me". Creepy, Shiz. Very, very creepy.

supine

That was amazingly hilarious Shiz! I especially loved the part where you asked if she could feel you preying to her. I totally lost it then.

Fraulein N

That was awesome, Shiz. The best part? "Do you feel my prayers or just hear them?" Hee!

Sabine

That was masterful, Shiz. Almost frightening how easily you can do psycho... :) Seriously? That was excellent writing, and highly worthy of Amalah.com.

Mir

I'm a little afraid to go back to Journalicious, now... not sure what I might find there. Eeeeeeeeeeee.

Jilly

I've got to say that was the funniest shit!!

GranolaSpice

you should email this to Sheryl Crow. it would make her jealous. because your stalker is way scarier than hers. and maybe you could mention that she used to be a backup singer for michael jackson and maybe she should get off her teenage-clothing-wearing high-horse. mmkay?

snowy

funny stuff.

Martha

I wish I had my very own Shiz.

Heather

Oh wow. With the prayer thing that totally crossed into the sacrelicious. That was too funny. Huzzah to Shiz, and Amalah of course for all the inspiration.

Lissa

Yikes! Shiz, I'm sending help.
Step. away. from. the. blow dryer.

Green Hills Happy Home

This is Shiz' husband. Please stop coresponding with Shiz at the Home. it is slowing her progress. The doctors say with increased shock therapy she might one day come home. of course she's not really the same since the lobotomy anyways, but there's always hope.

Ethyl

So like, what DO you eat for breakfast, Amalah?

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