I've Arrived
A Little Cop-Out

Blah De Bloo Blah Crap Entry

So I'm pretty much all moved into the (new!) (window!) office. I still need pictures hung up on the walls and for some reason I don't have a name plate outside my door like everyone else. Maybe I'm not really here. Am an illusion!

It's actually quite cozy in this office. I have lots of plants and pictures and sensual mood lighting and Muppet finger puppets and such.

And yes, I can keep plants alive. I'm really good with plants, just not plants with flowers. I kill flowers. But I grow absolutely indestructible green leafy plant things.

Jason grows orchids and does surprisingly well with them. What a weird, mixed-up household we have.

I also managed to snag a second guest chair, so now I can have two people visit at the same time. I don't think I've ever had two people visit at the same time, but maybe that was just because I didn't have a chair. Dude, it's a paradox.

I still wouldn't advise anyone to sit in my second guest chair though. The first chair I stole had a broken wheel, so I snuck it back and took another one. This one has two broken wheels. I've just kept it as a reminder that office crime never pays.

(I actually did have two special guests stop by yesterday, though not at the same time. Both were amalah.com readers, including this guy, and they both commented on the new! window! office! and totally put the exclamation points in when they said it. Love.)

Oh! And for everybody who said they liked my shoes in yesterday's post? They are from J. Crew. Jason bought them for me as a Christmas gift. Yes. He picked them out and he knows my shoe size. Yes, he also grows orchids. And yes, he has a brother but he's married. So stop asking.

Last night, I had a dream that I had the best idea for a post but didn't write it down and forgot it. This morning I woke up and tried to remember what the idea was but couldn't remember. Freaky.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't this post though.

Damn. This post is horrible. There's really no way to save it, either. Maybe a dog photo?


No? Shit. Okay, how about a Name the Planty Plants Contest? (Basically I'm stooping to anything that will get me nice comments instead of "u suck! and have ADHD! shut Up u whore!")


This is spider plant #1. She is a girl because she has wee babies. She likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. She would like to make it clear that she does not like spiders and really wants a new name.


This is spider plant #2. He is a boy because he has no babies and leaves the toilet seat up. He likes participating in Civil War re-enactments but is frightened of the ghostly neck and hand that always seem to float just outside the window.


This is tree thing. I got it at Ikea for $5.99 and have no idea what it is. Or whether or not it can be trusted. So far it seems to like water and dirt but not much else.


This is fake bamboo thing. He came from Target and used to hang on the wall of my old! windowless! office! Every night, he wishes upon a star to become a Real Plant. One time a big mean Siamese cat got a hold of him and chewed on his leaves and very nearly killed him. He's had a tough life. Won't you make it easier by giving him a name?


This is fake grass thing. He also came from Target. He even has fake water and sand but that still doesn't help him overcome his poor self image. Because face it, he looks like a rubber Chia Pet and that makes him very sad. He likes getting knocked over onto people's laps while they sit in my guest chairs because they think he's real and scream sometimes.

So there. Pick out names for them. The winners will get...something. Perhaps a wee spider plant baby. Or a pony!



Plant names: Hmmm. Fern? Arnold Palmtree? Bud?


The girl spider plant? Spidora
Boy spider plant? Frank.
Ikea tree? Frank
Fake bamboo? Frank
Fake grass? Ganga. heheh. I made a pot joke.

type a

does jason have a brother?



spider plant 1: charlotte
fake grass thingie from target: spike

that's all i got... i'm lame


All those plant pictures make me think I should water something. Too bad I only have fake plants. Still. I could water them for effect and see what happens.


My roommate and I have a plant that is named "Photosynthesaurus". We like it. Its a lemon tree. I think it would go nice with your freaky tree plant thing from Ikea.


Spider girl plant and spider boy plant... Mary Jane and Peter Parker

And the Grass thingy could be Ashton becasse it looks fake and likes to punk out your peers!

Thats all I can come up with.

Love the puppy still!


I love naming things. Its a sickness.

Female Spidey: Mary Jane (pot joke #2)
Male Spidey: Parker. Should it turn out that he is a she? You totally mean it in a Parker Posey (flower!) way.
Tree is obviously male. I suggest Schlong. Or Medlem, which is the Swedish equivalent.
Fake bamboo thing? Tramp.
And fake grass thing would be Forney. Just because.

The dog you should name Ceiba.


girl spider: Rapunzel
boy spider: Robert (Plant! get it?! haaaaa!)

tree thing looks like a corn plant. sort of. we have one, but it's never grown any corn, the slacker. I shall call him squishy and he will be my squishy!


fake bamboo thing: Fronds Lizst (I'm going with the music theme here...sort of)

fake grass thingy: (flinging music theme out the window) Grasshattery!


Plant 1:Lola
Plant 2:Stonewall (for the whole civil war thing)
Plant 3:John Kerry
"Plant" 4:Ping
"Plant" 5: Michael Jackson because they are both all made of plastic, or give him the name of any other 100% plastic celebrity

suzanna danna

#1. The girl spider plant? Posey
#2. Boy spider plant? Phenius (pronounced Feh-nee-ous… why? I don’t know.)
#3. Ikea tree? Flergen or Jergen
#4. Fake bamboo? Carmichael
#5. Fake grass? Chia

your adoring handmaiden for ever and ever

I had to post these first before I could read what everyone else wrote (and by the way? dog photos ALWAYS save a post-- Blog Law #811)

#1 - Lovely Lady
#2 - Spike
#3 - (tree thing) Curly
#4 - (fake bamboo) Pinocchio
#5 - (fake grass) Turf


Girl spider = violet
Boy spider = frank
Ikea thing = Bob
Bamboo = Iggy
Grass = Heidi


These names are no reflection whatsoever of my favorite book and movie of all time.

#1: Spiky but kinda bland: Melanie
#2: large and commanding: Rhett
#3: Lush and inviting: Scarlett
#4: A little weak but lovable as a living thing: Ashley


girl spider = Charlotte
Boy spider = Petey
Ikea thing = Marge (It's a dracaena marginata. Don't ask why I know. Also - watch out - it can get mad tall)
fake bamboo = Anne Hydrous
Grass = Spleef


I think 'fake grass' ooks like what Wilson the Volleyball from Castaway would look like if he were a plastic plant instead of a volleyball.

But I highly recommend against picking any name from me. My thumbs are so not green (what is the opposite of green?) that I've been known to kill even plastic plants. I might ruin your excellent plant karma.


Oops. I take it back! Ikea thing not D. Marginata. Ikea thing D. Fragrans, so maybe name should be Frans. But ya still gotta like Anne Hydrous for the fake bamboo


In order:


I don't know why.

Even when your posts are silly, they are freaking good.



Oh, and what Shiz said. ;)


1. Call spider plant #1 "Spider", because she looks like a spider, I think.

2. Call spider plant #2 "Spiderman", because he's a boy.

3. Call the freaky looking Ikea tree "Freaky", but if it's starts to walk, I don't know what to say. Run!

4. Call the fake bamboo plant "Dreamer", because he's never gona be a real plant, which makes me sad!

5. Call you Chia Pet looking plant "Pushova", don't know why.

I hope I was able to help! Have a nice day, Amalah!


Sneezy, Dopey, Gropey, Pokey. And Fred.

I'm lousy with names. Really.


Last night? When you were leaving and I smiled at you kind of sheepishly? I was totally stealing a second guest chair from the MPR. Only it didn't match guest chair #1, so I had to take it back and steal a a different one. I also snagged one for the Sprocketeer, because hers got lost in the move, so I wasn't being totally self-centered.

Amy ("Amalah" if you ask my Gram

Came across your site while researching the name "Amalah" ... the Jewish Grandmother version of my name, "Amy."

Well, LOVE your post of Nov. 9 and your site.

You don't know me, but I feel compelle to respond to your naming request - as I feel I can relate to your wishful Fake Bamboo thing. As he is likely not the Pinnochio of plants and will never become real, don't you think he deserves a distinguished title? How about:

Mr. Majesto ?

If not, then perhaps something simpler, like Adonis?

Also, you could partially grant his wish by plantng real "Baby Tears" or some other small ivytype in his pot with him. Just don't select "creeping kudzu"!

Best to you and all of your pants.

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