(Hi. Yes. Well, it still is technically Wednesday, is it not? And this is a Wednesday Advice Smackdown, right? So shut your yapping. And go read today's Snarkywood, because it rocks much, much harder than this entry.)
(MELISSA GILBERT, PEOPLE. WE MAKE FUN OF LAURA INGALLS WILDER. HILARITY ENSUES.)
Um, I think I've lost my favorite BCBG dress along with a cute work-appropriate dress from Banana Republic. How did this happen? I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I NEED that dress. I bought cute new shoes to go with that dress! What should I do? Who can I blame (besides myself, obviously)? GAH.
You know, as a professional and fully accredited fake advice columnist, I pride myself in remaining detached from the hordes of problems and dilemmas that flood my inbox. I don't take my work home, so to speak. Except for tonight, when I didn't have time for lunch and am actually writing at home. The Simpsons is on. Jason will be home soon bearing burritos. The rum and Coke are plentiful.
Where was I going with this? Oh. Right. Sometimes an advice question comes along that really rattles me.
Like this one.
How could you lose your dresses? Are you sure they're really lost? Have you checked under the couch? In the car? Have you put up flyers in your neighborhood? WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME TYPING QUESTIONS TO ME WHEN YOUR DRESSES ARE OUT THERE LOST AND ALONE?
I'm very upset. I need more rum.
Wardrobedly, there are two theories. Both of which put the blame squarely on someone other than you. Obviously, theory number one is your dry cleaner. This is why I only go to dry cleaners where absolutely no employee is remotely my size.
Theory number two is a tad more disturbing, and therefore much more likely. Your boyfriend is a cross-dresser, and has stolen your dresses for the upcoming Miss Man of La Man-cha-cha Drag Beauty Pageant.
Check your other drawers and I'm confident you'll find that several shaping foundation garments are missing and a lot of stretched-out fishnets. If you want to see your dresses again, help him. Support him. Make sure he wears cute shoes and doesn't overdo the rouge. Also tell him that no one ever won a drag pageant in anything from Banana Republic.
(Jason has arrived with burritos. Love him. Also salsa.)
I have run out of ideas when it comes to gifts for my mom. She likes cats and things and I already got her a Burberry purse for Christmas, but since her birthday falls three days after that, I need something else. Any ideas? Help please. Thanks in advance.
So you know when MY birthday is? Huh?
TWO days after Christmas. I win!
This is my list. Perhaps your mom will want some of it. Because I also like cats and things. Mostly expensive things.
A second TiVo
But I would also accept this one
Ooh ooh ooh this watch!
Everything on my wish list
A poncho, even though I sort of hate myself for wanting it
Lots and lots of PetSmart gift cards
And absolutely everything from Sephora, but especially this, this, this and this
The removal of the Old n’ Busted Couch from my house.
And that's it! Well, besides all the shit I will buy myself on the Amalah Shopping Spree Extravaganza that will pretty much begin this weekend and continue until December 28th, 2077.
(Reason #34793479354 Why I Love Jason: He just picked up this new photo frame we got over the weekend that has a picture of two little kids in it and said, "It came vit zee frame.")
(I just about died laughing. I am very, very easily amused.)
I have never before been compelled to ask for advice from you. But upon seeing your shoes on your desk in the post about your new! office!, it struck me that I indeed have a question.
What is your policy on shoes without socks?
I noticed that I could see your bare feet in the shoes, but perhaps you were wearing (gak) nude nylons. I guess what I really want to know is, what are all the sexy, hip girls doing these days? Granted, I live in Canada and am into cool and sexy boot season, which necessitates socks. I'm really asking this question in advance of next spring.
Excellent eye, Pointy Shoe, as I was indeed not wearing socks. Nor was I wearing nude nylons, because as you said, gak.
I hardly ever wear socks. Why? I don’t know. I used to be all hardcore on the anti-sock stance in high school, as I refused to wear socks ever, with anything, no matter what the weather. Socks were for squares, dude! Or your PARENTS.
It is only by conferring with my contemporaries have I learned that a lot of people my age did the no-sock thing in the 90s. I was horrendously uncool, so I’m retroactively proud of myself for accidentally riding an actual trend. (Most of the trends I followed existed only in my own head, like the little stars I drew all over my hands every day in first period for two years or the fuzzy lavender tights I liked so much.)
I’ve softened in my old age, however, so I will wear socks. Sometimes. I think I own a pair or two. I prefer those leetle footie things though.
You know what I hate though? Novelty socks. I mean, I’ve got some Christmas socks and I think a pair with some ducks on them, but those are strictly pajama/floor skating socks. Never in public. If I see you sit down and spot a pair of brightly colored Tweety Bird socks I will mock you. I will point and I will talk about them on the Internet.
I don’t care what the temperature is or how close to frostbite my toes are: I don’t do Tweety Bird socks.
(Although: Care Bear socks. I might do Care Bear socks. But you know, ironically.)
So, how lucky am I that I have been reading your column and now sport a pelt of fantastically lush and silky hair? LUCK-freakin'-Ucky. Hells yeah. Thanks!
So I feel I can trust you with this question of highly embarrassing nature. I? Am getting tiny little red broken something-or-others on my cheeks. Not so close that you would see it from just talking, but when it is me and the wee cursed magnifying mirror - oh yeah. I can see myself looking like Teddy Kennedy in a few years. Obvious solution? Stop drinking? Lets take a moment to consider. And... we're done.
So any other tips? Long, long ago (pre-wedding), I went to a dermatologist who zapped them with a needle (ughh!) and said it was just my fair Irish skin oh-so-sensitive to cold and sun. Now, I live somewhere's new. I noticed my new GP has a butt-load of broken veins on his face, so I'm not sure if he would know a good dermatologist. Help! Oh so very, very grateful!
Honestly? It sounds like you have the Plague.
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
(Jason just shouted that upon seeing the crazy French woman on tonight's episode of Lost, and again, cracked me the fuck up. Am easy. Am easy movie reference slut.)
What kind of makeup do you use? How do you apply it? If you use foundation, try Sue Devitt's Triple C-Weed Foundation, which is light and fluffy and made from 70% water. This is a good thing, except that it costs much, much more than one would think seaweed and water would cost.
And do not. DO. NOT. Ever. Apply foundation with your fingers. Or a dirty germy sponge. Get a nice synthetic foundation brush and wash it out every day. This will keep the oils and dirtitude crap off your face and your skin clear.
Also try like, I don't know, not sticking your head in the deep fryer at work anymore. That's really, really bad for the complexion.
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