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November 2004
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January 2005

How to Write a Book

(First: Wednesday Advice Smackdown? What? It's Thursday. Why are you asking about Wednesday?) (Second: Holiday hiatus, apparently.) (Third: How to write a book in one week.) 1) Decide to write book. 2) Make some notes in a notebook. Lose notebook. 3) Take week off work. 4) Vow book will be written within this week, or at least substantial portions of it. 5) Find notebook. Drink wine. Monday: 6) Is birthday! Cannot write book on birthday. Drag husband shopping and to Phantom of the Opera, because you are brat. 7) Discuss book over dinner and act really, really serious about it.... Read more →

Happy Birthday, You Huge Freaking Pain in the Ass

Behold, the blank space of the unwritten entry! So Christmas is over. My birthday is over. It was a glorious run. But now, it is over. I am at home all this week, however, so I am not hitting the "oh shit I'm back at work and this is my life forever and ever" wall yet. Instead, I am freaking out, because: 1) Our heat is not working. It is freeeeeeezing in here. Max and Ceiba have called a truce and are both leeching off my body heat under the covers. 2) Ceiba fell off the bed this morning and... Read more →

The Post-Christmas Pre-Birthday Drunkening

Merry Day After. I can't give details on our Christmas Day right now, mostly because I'm a littloe bit drnuk. But tomorrow is my birthday! Like, in an hour! Happy birthday meeeeee. I will be 27. Which means I am still young and youthful, so suck it, older people. And younger people? Well, I probably make more money than you, so you can suck it too. (druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnke.) OKay, enough typing about me rationalizing my birthday as being not that old even though, ogh my God, I am so in my late 20s and not totally world-famous yet, which blows. HERE... Read more →

Merry Christmas to Everyone Except the United States Postal Service

Christmas Eve, Zero Hour. Still waiting on one last package from Amazon. I'm thinking it's not going to get here. According to the USPS Web site, the package has not been seen or heard from since December 15th when it left the top secret Postman's Lair or whatever. I sent out two frantically pissy emails: one to the USPS directly, and one to Amazon. USPS response: Sucks to be you! We have no idea where your package is and frankly, don't think that's really our job. If it doesn't arrive after 30 days, you can go ahead and fill out... Read more →

Fock This

There will be no Advice Smackdown today, because I have something better to write about. And you can just suck it if you don't think it's better, because you're wrong and stupid. Plus, there are prizes! Last we wandered into some sort of surreal, this-does-not-happen-in-actual-real-life bonanza of blog material. It was the after-party for a screening of Meet the Fockers, brought to you by Bud Lite. At a Ruby Tuesday's. First, okay, yes. The Amalahs were at a Ruby Tuesday's. Am ashamed. But we were only there for the cheese fries and the beer. We had other reasons for going... Read more →

The Christmas There Was No Fresh Basil

I found out late last week that a two of my many, many siblings were going to celebrate Christmas with my parents on Saturday. Jason and I went too, as I am unable to resist the prospect of early Christmas presents and maybe somebody would remember my birthday and maybe I would get money. I don't think I've really written much about my family -- siblings in particular. There are two reasons for this. 1) They read this site. 2) They know lawyers. But on Saturday, I was granted special permission to write all about our day together. There are... Read more →

Give in to the Dark Side

GUESS WHAT! Mine. All mine. Thank you, Internet. Specifically, thanks to Anyabeth, who abused her work priviledges in a reckless and glorious manner in order to track these wiley boots down for me. Anyabeth: Shh. There's a pair of size 7 Sundance Uggs at this exact latitude and longitude. Go now, but make sure no one follows you. Ask for Charlie and tell him that the green chicken has entered the nunnery and he'll know what to do. Hurry! There's precious little time! This email will self-destruct in seven seconds. Amybeth: I love you. Let's make out! Anyabeth knows all... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

FUCK. ALL. Y'ALL. No, I don't really mean that. I'm projecting my anger towards the innocent Internet, but really, I think it deserves it today. The morning thus far: I woke up super-early after having a NIGHTMARE about the Wednesday Advice Smackdown. Questions were pouring in at breakneck speed, including one from my actual real-life bona fide Internet archenemy. About GRAMMAR. And I didn't know the answer. And Google wasn't working. And then more questions came and I woke up all in a panic and wondering how in the world I ended up with an Internet archenemy. To calm my... Read more →

Tantrums, Retractions & Dogs In Sweaters

Blah blah blah insert insincere apology for not posting here and random non-word stress sounds i.e. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, aaaaeeeeeeeiiii, etc. ANYWAY. It's almost Christmas, people, whattaya want from me? All I've been doing is shopping and cleaning and drinking. Tonight I went to the MALL, like, in the SUBURBS and it was exhausting and a little frightening. Some of that was my own damn fault, as I was wandering aimlessly through an unfamiliar mall, without ever looking at the directory, in three-inch heels. Because I am a MORON. Some of it was NOT my fault, but the fault of my very... Read more →

Cheese and Cracking

I have decided that I am entirely too popular. I need to piss some people off. (Maybe you!) I had some kind of party or get-together or gathering or box social to go to every night this week, which seriously cramps my TV-watching lifestyle. Add in the fact that my JOB is INSANE, my blogging (gah! journaling! weblogging! diarying!) lifestyle is like, dead. Waaaay down on the list of things I need to do, just below writing an angry letter to TiVo for recording fucking NORTH SHORE instead of The Apprentice because it screwed up the channels or something, which... Read more →