Cheese and Cracking
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Tantrums, Retractions & Dogs In Sweaters

Blah blah blah insert insincere apology for not posting here and random non-word stress sounds i.e. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, aaaaeeeeeeeiiii, etc.

ANYWAY. It's almost Christmas, people, whattaya want from me? All I've been doing is shopping and cleaning and drinking.

Tonight I went to the MALL, like, in the SUBURBS and it was exhausting and a little frightening. Some of that was my own damn fault, as I was wandering aimlessly through an unfamiliar mall, without ever looking at the directory, in three-inch heels. Because I am a MORON.

Some of it was NOT my fault, but the fault of my very first purchase, which was much heavier than I anticipated and set off the alarms in EVERY STORE AFTERWARDS. The alarms would go off as I ENTERED the store, and by store number four I was like, "HELLO STORE, I AM A PRE-EMPTIVE SHOPLIFTER. THAT WAS YOUR WARNING." Only not. Mostly I just pretended that I didn't hear the alarms, which was really cool and believable.

Luckily, most of the mall employees felt kind of sorry for me, as I was clearly out of my element, wandering around in stilettos and an oversized clutch purse with a purchase possessed by the store-alarm devil. It's kind of sad when you realize the 16-year-old working the register at a woefully understocked Waldenbooks feels sorry for you.

Also, I would like to retract previously-made statements made previously on this site regarding Ugg Boots. I said they were ugly. And I made some tired Ugg/Ugh/Uggly joke too, for which I apologize for on the basis of humor.

But mostly I would like to apologize to Ugg Boots, because I misjudged them. I saw some very frumpy-looking people wearing them and looking extra frumpy, so I was all, ew, frumpy fashion victims.

But now I like them. Shut up. Am fickle.

Amy: Ew. Am so sick of those goatherding boots or whatever.

Jason: Really? I think they're cute.

Amy: Really? Oh. Me too!

BUT CAN I FIND THEM ANYWHERE? I CANNOT. Size 7 Sundance Uggs have vanished off the face of the retail earth, only to be found on eBay, marked up beyond belief. Or you can order them now and receive your pair in like, four months, when it's 80 degrees.

Uggs are now the Cabbage Patch Kids of 2004 and I am late to the early-morning toystore riot. And my heels are pinchy.

Gahgahgah2

On a completely unrelated note that I remembered just now, someone at work called me pumpkin this morning. "Pumpkin." I call Ceiba pumpkin, because she is small and squishy and stupid, and also the color of pumpkin pie. I do not believe I am any of those things.

Amy: Dude, I just got called "pumpkin" by some guy. The hell?

Anonymous Yet Wise Source: When someone calls you babe, they want to fuck you.  When someone calls you sweetie, they want you to do something for them.  When someone calls you honey, they like you. When someone calls you pumpkin? Unless you are their two-year-old daughter - you must turn and run.

Gahgahgah2

Speaking of that little furry slice of pumpkin pie (ew), here she is in her new Christmas sweater.

Img_1675

Her Nana sent it to her. I think Nana would like an actual grandchild. What do you think?

Comments

Mir

I think her nana is wishing she could look at a pumpkin pie without imagining it in fur. Or a sweater. But maybe I'm just projecting.

maricar

I too am in love with Ugg boots but I was going to change my mind about them when you said they were ugly. So now, I must tell my husband to buy me a pair now cause Amalah likes them now.

Ceiba is an adorable wittle puppy.

Miss W

Still not feeling the Ugg boots. But then, I don't like things on my feet that have fur and are thick and furry and make my feet all hot and also sweaty. No. I'll stick to stilettos.

And should I now stop calling my husband punkin? I could revert to the original "pumpkin butt" which I accidentally called him on speaker phone at work...

Finally (I know--tell me to shut up already!) Ceiba's Nana isn't the only one wishing for an actual grandchild. My mother? Bought a leather jacket for one of my Siamese(because they didn't have two!). My mother-in-law bought them sweaters. Or maybe they don't want a grandchild. Perhaps a granddog a la Ceiba who could be dressed and paraded through town...

Chris

Holy shit, Amalah likes Uggs. Wait'll you wear them honey. Oh shit. Sorry about that whole honey bit. Seriously. It will be hypnosis for your feet. Look, when I first saw them, I thought they were hideous too...then I went in search of a boot that was A)Warm even in inches and inches of snow and B)Is comfortable because I am on my feet and running around crazy for most of my day.
Amy, you have seen the light, just as I, will leave Alaska in less than a month for a much needed trip to Buenos Aires and will wear stilettos every fucking day. See? It works both ways.

Chris

Okay maybe not stilettos, but cute shoes with a heel that won't make trip and fall. One tip about the Uggs, PLEASE do not wear them with a mini-skirt or anytime during those hot D.C. summers. I mean, what kind of a price does one REALLY have to pay to be trendy? I draw the line at sweaty feet and hope you do too.

DeAnn

She is EXACTLY the color of pumpkin pie. How very astute of you. You, however, are not. And it is kind of weird to call an adult WHO YOU WORK WITH "Pumpkin."

Scarlett Cyn

I think I'm really in Loave with your doggie, actually. And so is my husband. And my daughter.

And now? Must get one before I go bonkers. *sigh*

The wise person's theory: Excellent. Pumpkin? Egads. I hope it was a woman.

martha

Some statements just aren't meant to be retracted. Like statements about hating Uggs.

Chris

I saw a lovely blonde girl downtown this weekend wearing Uggs paired with a trendy parka, and my first thought was "Sherpa chic..."

Janna

Hi! Long time listener, first time caller.

I spent most of my life on the West Coast, where we had an Ugg frenzy about 10 years ago. Of course, I promptly bought into it, and have been wearing them ever since (even when people point and question if I have my shoes on inside out).

Now I am on the East Coast and I get to proudly wear my genuine, original, already worn-in Ha-I-had-them-before-you Uggs. People here are starting to get it. (Let me have this - I'm never a fashion trend setter.)

Yes, you can even wear Uggs in the snow (me loves the Scotchguard). And tip: no socks. They will just make your foot slide around and get all frictiony.

OK, shew, I'm done with my love for things Uggly (which I know they are). And ze puppy, howver, iz too cute. More pictures please.

snowy

i would really like to get my dog a sweater, but i have a very big dog. so it would probably be more sad looking than adorable looking.

Minarae

My friend has a pair of Ugg clogs (these, in fact: http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/2373020.html) that she wears all the damn time because (as she says) it's like wearing fluffy pillows on her feet. And right now, I want a pair of those because me feet, they are angry and hurting me from my pretty supa-high heeled shoes that I must wear to make my work pants not too long for my stuby, stubby legs. *le sigh*

ben

I call my daughter pumpkin all the time.

Shut. UP. She is one.

ben

Mir can vouch for me. She's seen her. Nya nya.

And do I really want to have sex with everyone I call Babe? This requires further study.

Kitty

I don't really get Uggs either, but then again, I live in Houston where it's extremely hot all the time. We don't get much of a chance to wear fun, wintery items.

BTW - your pumpkin pie is so cute in her festive sweater!!

Heather

The Uggs debate. It is so tricky, because sometimes when I am out in 4 inch heels and I hurt and want to cry, I look longingly at the girls wearing their Uggs. But then, my eyes travel upwards and I see their stupid tiny "the hem is falling out because I am that cool" denim skirts and my Ugg envy goes straight out the window, comfort or no comfort. Yes, I know I could wear them without the mini, but it's the principle involved here. Can't someone just design a pair of fluffy cloud shoes that just happen to have 4 inch heels already??

suzanna danna

I call many people pumpkin... and puddin... it's probably just a food issue.

What?

Haven't you people seen the size of my ass?

Sparkle

Ooh, Minarae, get your pants hemmed. Buy some flats with a little bit of padding to make it slightly cushy, and enjoy.

hey_dere

A lot of this sweater thing depends on WHERE SHE LIVES..any way I like the dog and never heard of ug boots.
QUEEN???????????????

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