Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Tantrums, Retractions & Dogs In Sweaters

Cheese and Cracking

I have decided that I am entirely too popular. I need to piss some people off. (Maybe you!)

I had some kind of party or get-together or gathering or box social to go to every night this week, which seriously cramps my TV-watching lifestyle. Add in the fact that my JOB is INSANE, my blogging (gah! journaling! weblogging! diarying!) lifestyle is like, dead. Waaaay down on the list of things I need to do, just below writing an angry letter to TiVo for recording fucking NORTH SHORE instead of The Apprentice because it screwed up the channels or something, which meant when I finally got home after a shindig with all my jet-setting friends last night and went to watch The Donald and I was confronted with SHANNEN DOHERTY.

(Although last night was super-fun, as it involved a lot of cheese, tequila, gossip and me schooling a group of coworkers on the term "fuck buddy.")

Still. Damn TiVo.

(Confidential to TiVo: I don't mean that! I love you! You can record tonight's repeat episode! I forgive you! Come back!)

Also, I am gaining weight like it is going out of style. Another reason I need to piss off some friends so they stop inviting me places where I can eat lots and lot of cheese.

Oh! And for the first time since the Great Amalah Brain Meltdown of 2004, there is a wee tiny chance that I could be pregnant, but I'm probably not, but I can't stop thinking that I might be, which is driving me crazy and also to tequila, but then I'm all guilty that I'll end up with a little web-footed frog baby instead of this precious little thing that makes me weep every time I look at it.

(Confidential to self: Please stop with the run-on sentences. They are called PERIODS. Use them. Love them. Because you'll probably be getting one of your very own in another week or so because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT, YOU BITCH ASS CRAZY GIRL.)

(Confidential to all concerned readers: I'm cured! Off the Crazy Pills and into therapy where I've determined that my problems are actually emotional [whee!] and not so much with the chemical, and I was relying on the pills too much and also labeling myself as "sick" thus taking a passive role in my recovery and blah blah blah psychobabble blah. Anyway, I can safely get pregnant without giving birth to a Prozac baby, but I'm not going near the Clomid for a long, long time because DAMN, that shit messed me up and GOOD, so we're doing commando cycles with the possibility of pregnancy falling somewhere in the one in seventy gazillion chances range.)

(Again with the run-ons! I blame the cheese.)

Oh, and ask me how many Christmas gifts I have bought people. And how many cards I have sent out. If you guessed ZERO, you are correct and have won a personalized non-denominational holiday card from me, which you will receive sometime next June.

And I'm sorry for that. Except that I'm not, because I really would rather you be mad at me and stop asking me to dinner on good TV nights. But not TOO mad, for the sake of my little cheese baby, who will need gifts and things. She likes tequila.

Comments

Zoot

Fingers crossed. Seriously. Fingers. Crossed.

Shiz

I am so, like, mad at you. Do NOT, like, come to my Christmas party, Amalah. You are like, uninvited.

Also, you're off the Christmas card list. Like for REAL.

Heather

I'm sending lots of two-pink-lines vibes your way. Cause if you are pregnant? Think how much cheese you can eat with no regard to weight gain! It's a cheese passport!

Princess

Aww Good thoughts your way for cheese baby. I know you really want one!

alektra

double to Zoot and Heather. and i'm glad you're off the meds, what good news!

Real Girl

See? The strained back sex injury might have been worth it...I am so, so, so hoping that soon, a potty training contraption will be snuggled right next to your don't-fall-in-the-shower handle bar.

Bug

Okay - first off - LOVE therapy. Will stay in therapy for the rest of my life if possible. Because? I KNOW about identifying yourself as "fucked up" and therefore beyond all hope, which of course is NOT true so I am way happy for you there. And getting off meds is wonderful as well. Will keep fingers crossed for you on the double pink line!! I know how you are about volcanoes and the like, but how do you feel about needles? Acupuncture is a GOOD thing and can definitely help with the conception.
Finally a couple of words on a lighter note - HOW can people not know about "fuck buddies?" Also - you have now totally given me a craving for big fat 'rita on the rocks with lots of salt and a big basket of chips with queso. I'm a little pms'y today :-\

yvonne

It's safe to take prozac while pregnant, trust me, because I was told to go BACK on it after getting off of it when I found out I was pregnant. WAY more safer than tequila. ;-)

Now... Best of luck to you!!!

yvonne

(psssst, pretend I didn't say "more safer" ok?)

Oliquig

I can no longer keep the idea of a "cheese baby" out of my head, and will forever more think of "cheese baby whenever confronted with any form of cheese.

Heather

Congrats on getting off the meds, and best of luck with the therapy! I? Have been trying to phone my shrink, but he hasn't phoned me back. What does THAT mean? gah.
Also? If you're having a cheese baby? I will be so excited and will probably do a little dance. But don't worry, you won't have to see it.

Sarcastic Journalist

my lexapro and "oops I drank a margarita" baby is sleeping so it is possible to have one not all messed up.

I think.

Anyway, my fingers are crossed for you. And PS-- if you lived close I'd invite you to my "Holiday party" because I think you rock.

Tjej

Why have I not been back in so long? Why have I not seen this new cheery layout? Wha tis wrong with me.

Seriously girl, this look is ghetto fabulous. Uhuh.

LOVE IT!

Amanda

I promise to totally be your diet buddy because my ass is getting fatter by the second. I swear they put lard in the water in december. But none of that will matter if you're pregnificated. My fingers are so crossed.

And, DUDE!! My Tivo didn't record Lost last week. LOST!!! I was crushed. But I lit the candles on my Tivo altar and what do you know? I got a brand spanking new episode of Lost this week.

PS - please forgive me for saying Dude.

Casey

Good luck and more two-pink-lines wishes! I know how hard it is to keep a positive attitude, believe me. So lots of luck.

Jules

clomid! ack! I did clomid for MONTHS...and months and months...AND then I became a permanent b*tch...so I now officially blame all my current problems in life on the evil drug that did nothing for me other than...of course make me a b*tch...

Elizabeth

Hoping and praying for you.

Sarcomical

not to focus on the baby thing, but when you say cheese baby i picture a little baby that comes out with a green bay cheesehead on and really chubby cheese cheeks.

mzm

Praying for you here Amalah...

Cetta

Cheese? Fuck buddy? Tequila? I think you're my long-lost twin.

Brian

(Again with the run-ons! I blame the cheese.)

I thought cheese stopped the runs?? Maybe you need more before it can stop the sentence thing. Oh - and good luck on the pink line dealie

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