How to Write a Book
December 30, 2004
(First: Wednesday Advice Smackdown? What? It's Thursday. Why are you asking about Wednesday?)
(Second: Holiday hiatus, apparently.)
(Third: How to write a book in one week.)
1) Decide to write book.
2) Make some notes in a notebook. Lose notebook.
3) Take week off work.
4) Vow book will be written within this week, or at least substantial portions of it.
5) Find notebook. Drink wine.
6) Is birthday! Cannot write book on birthday. Drag husband shopping and to Phantom of the Opera, because you are brat.
7) Discuss book over dinner and act really, really serious about it.
8) Sleep in.
9) Start writing.
10) Decide that this is easy. Also decide that it is really, really cold.
11) Have husband call heating guys, because you are busy. With the writing. For real.
12) Realize house is messy. Decide to vacuum and organize closet before heating guys arrive.
13) After heating guys arrive, try to type one-handed while holding a really annoying howling dog who really wants to annoy heating guys.
14) Think of really amazing piece of dialogue while in the shower.
15) Completely forget amazing piece of dialogue 10 minutes later.
16) Realize that after book is done, you will have a lot of apologies to make to your friends and family.
17) Consider posting pre-emptive apology on Web site now; write birthday wrap-up post instead.
18) Decide to take a break at page 10.
19) Start working on page 11.
20) Heating guys come back. Dog yaps. More of the same.
21) Realize you need to write an advice column and provide photos of expensive gifts to satiate online readers.
22) Realize that the week is more than half over and you have only written 11 pages.
23) Change font. 14 pages!
24) Watch Lost in Translation for inspiration of subtle character development and condition of human soul.
25) Realize entire book, idea and brain suck. Eat leftover pumpkin pie.
26) Go out for happy hour with friend. Discuss book, issue pre-emptive apology for composite-like character.
27) Drink wine.
28) Get out of bed when heating guys arrive at 9 a.m. once again.
29) Attempt to communicate with heating guys while unshowered, uncoffeed and wrangling the most annoying yapping dog in the entire world.
30) Re-read existing 14 pages. Huh. They don't suck as bad as they did yesterday.
31) Write this list so others can know your secret to writing 14 entire mediocre pages in one week.
32) Write the damn book already.