December 03, 2004
Amy’s week, as told through a series of vignettes, sentence fragments and exclamation points.
Hello, this is <awesome cool magazine>, we just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you submitted an essay or two. We will pay you actual money. Let us know.
Amy: <debilitating writer’s block>
Hello, this is <all your readers>, where are you? Why haven’t you written anything? Why don’t you love us? Fucking lazy bitch.
Hello, this is <your job, dumbass>. You really need to get a move on those eleventy hundred Special Reports that print on Friday, especially the ones you HAVE NOT EVEN STARTED ON. We pay you actual money, but only because we assume that occasionally you do actual work.
Hello, this is <your hair>. I am ugly! So are you! Frizz! Frizzfrizzfrizz!
Hello, this is <a soon-to-be-published actual author>, I just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you pitched a novel or two to some literary agents I know. They could give you actual fame and make all your stupid high school friends wicked jealous. Let me know.
Amy: <panic, writer’s block, self doubt and a loss of narrative ability>
Amy: Stay away from me tonight, for I need to Write.
Jason: Bah. Boring.
Amy: I must Write! I can do this! I have talent! I have a car accident near-death experience! Comedy GOLD!
Jason: Fine. I will watch Star Trek reruns all night.
Jason: Are you done yet?
Hello, this is <8:30 in the morning>. Yes, I know this is early to be at work already, but you’ll get lots done and maybe be able to leave a little early and walk your dog before it is pitch-black and all the crazy rapists are hiding in the bushes! Have a good day!
Hello, this is <special report #6>. Why haven’t you started writing me yet? I need to be at least 12 pages. Oh, and I need to be done before all the other special reports for some reason that is complicated. So that means tomorrow. Have a good day!
Phone: Ring Ring!
Amy: This is Amy.
Amy: Amy. Storch.
Phone: Nooo, I don’t think so.
Amy: Yes. Yes, I am quite sure.
Phone: Where is Betsy?
Amy: There is no Betsy at this extension. There is actually no Betsy at this company.
Phone: I didn’t dial an extension. Who is this?
Amy: Amy! Amy Storch! Not Betsy!
Phone: Fine, whatever. Click!
Amy: THE HELL?
Hello, this <Yahoo!>. We heart Snarkywood! We will make you famous! Sorry about the whole bandwidth thing and not giving you a heads’ up about your Important Editorial Mention. But still. You rock! Meow!
Hello, this is <6:30 in the evening>. So much for leaving on time! So much for seeing your family ever again! So much for the Advice Smackdown, which I know you’re starting to get just the tiniest bit tired of but will hang over your head every Wednesday for the rest of your natural life! Mwa ha ha!
Amy: <at home, Writing feverishly>
Jason: More writing?
Amy: Cannot. Talk. Must. Give. Fake. Advice.
Jason: I want pizza. Let’s go out for pizza!
Amy: No time for food! I must Write! Am Writer!
Jason: I bet they’ll give you free wine again.
Amy: Let’s go! Pizza pizza!
Amy: Today I will get to work early again! And be productive! Will make Special Reports my bitch. Bitches! Plural! Proper grammar!
Hello, this is <Ceiba>. Hi! Baby ate Kitty Kat’s food and now not feel good. Baby might need to poop. No! Need to play with sock! No! Need to poop! Here! On sock! And carpet. Wah. Is sticky.
Amy: <gets to work very late>
WORK WORK WORK WORK SPECIAL REPORTS WRITING WORK WORK CRY.
Hello, this is <your sweater>. I am so pretty and soft! But guess what! I am 10% angora which means I like to fuzz! Fuzzfuzzfuzz! All over your black pants! You look very stupid now.
Amy: I promised my readers that I would finish the Advice Smackdown today. But I didn’t! I must do it now! But I am tired and not creative. I suck.
Jason: I think maybe you need to chill.
Amy: Okay. Please reheat me some stuffing.
Hello, this is <Ivana from The Apprentice>. I totally got my ass fired just to make your week. You are so welcome.
Hello, this is <Ceiba>. Baby still pooping all sticky. Also pee! On bathroom floor for some reason. You clean up now.
Amy: <gets to work very late again>
Special Reports: <still not done>
Print deadline: <looming>
Writing career: <stagnating>
Entry gimmick: <wearing thin>
New black boots: <rock my world>