Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Stupid Girl

One Week

Amy’s week, as told through a series of vignettes, sentence fragments and exclamation points.

MONDAY

Hello, this is <awesome cool magazine>, we just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you submitted an essay or two. We will pay you actual money. Let us know.

Amy: SQUEE!

Amy: <debilitating writer’s block>

Amy: SHIT!

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <all your readers>, where are you? Why haven’t you written anything? Why don’t you love us? Fucking lazy bitch.

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <your job, dumbass>. You really need to get a move on those eleventy hundred Special Reports that print on Friday, especially the ones you HAVE NOT EVEN STARTED ON. We pay you actual money, but only because we assume that occasionally you do actual work.

TUESDAY

Hello, this is <your hair>. I am ugly! So are you! Frizz! Frizzfrizzfrizz!

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <a soon-to-be-published actual author>, I just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you pitched a novel or two to some literary agents I know. They could give you actual fame and make all your stupid high school friends wicked jealous. Let me know.

Amy: SQUEEEEEEEE!

Amy: <panic, writer’s block, self doubt and a loss of narrative ability>

Amy: SHIT!

gah-gah-gah2

Amy: Stay away from me tonight, for I need to Write.

Jason: Bah. Boring.

Amy: I must Write! I can do this! I have talent! I have a car accident near-death experience! Comedy GOLD!

Jason: Fine. I will watch Star Trek reruns all night.

Amy: <blanks>

Jason: Are you done yet?

WEDNESDAY

Hello, this is <8:30 in the morning>. Yes, I know this is early to be at work already, but you’ll get lots done and maybe be able to leave a little early and walk your dog before it is pitch-black and all the crazy rapists are hiding in the bushes! Have a good day!

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <special report #6>. Why haven’t you started writing me yet? I need to be at least 12 pages. Oh, and I need to be done before all the other special reports for some reason that is complicated. So that means tomorrow. Have a good day!

gah-gah-gah2

Phone: Ring Ring!

Amy: This is Amy.

Phone: Who?

Amy: Amy. Storch.

Phone: Nooo, I don’t think so.

Amy: Yes. Yes, I am quite sure.

Phone: Where is Betsy?

Amy: Who?

Phone: What?

Amy: There is no Betsy at this extension. There is actually no Betsy at this company.

Phone: Extension?

Amy: What?

Phone: I didn’t dial an extension. Who is this?

Amy: Amy! Amy Storch! Not Betsy!

Phone: Fine, whatever. Click!

Amy: THE HELL?

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this <Yahoo!>. We heart Snarkywood! We will make you famous! Sorry about the whole bandwidth thing and not giving you a heads’ up about your Important Editorial Mention. But still. You rock! Meow!

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <6:30 in the evening>. So much for leaving on time! So much for seeing your family ever again! So much for the Advice Smackdown, which I know you’re starting to get just the tiniest bit tired of but will hang over your head every Wednesday for the rest of your natural life! Mwa ha ha!

gah-gah-gah2

Amy: <at home, Writing feverishly>

Jason: More writing?

Amy: Cannot. Talk. Must. Give. Fake. Advice.

Jason: I want pizza. Let’s go out for pizza!

Amy: No time for food! I must Write! Am Writer!

Jason: I bet they’ll give you free wine again.

Amy: Let’s go! Pizza pizza!

THURSDAY

Amy: Today I will get to work early again! And be productive! Will make Special Reports my bitch. Bitches! Plural! Proper grammar!

Hello, this is <Ceiba>. Hi! Baby ate Kitty Kat’s food and now not feel good. Baby might need to poop. No! Need to play with sock! No! Need to poop! Here! On sock! And carpet. Wah. Is sticky.

Amy: <gets to work very late>

gah-gah-gah2

WORK WORK WORK WORK SPECIAL REPORTS WRITING WORK WORK CRY.

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <your sweater>. I am so pretty and soft! But guess what! I am 10% angora which means I like to fuzz! Fuzzfuzzfuzz! All over your black pants! You look very stupid now.

gah-gah-gah2

Amy: I promised my readers that I would finish the Advice Smackdown today. But I didn’t! I must do it now! But I am tired and not creative. I suck.

Jason:  I think maybe you need to chill.

Amy: Okay. Please reheat me some stuffing.

gah-gah-gah2

Hello, this is <Ivana from The Apprentice>. I totally got my ass fired just to make your week. You are so welcome.

FRIDAY

Hello, this is <Ceiba>. Baby still pooping all sticky. Also pee! On bathroom floor for some reason. You clean up now.

Amy: <gets to work very late again>

gah-gah-gah2

Special Reports: <still not done>

Print deadline: <looming>

Writing career: <stagnating>

Entry gimmick: <wearing thin>

New black boots: <rock my world>

Comments

Jasara

Great Googley Boogley... What a WEEK!

Chris

GOD, how I LOVE your site! I'm going to laugh for half the day now. ;-)

Real Girl

Love, love, love. You must seriously consider submitting this post to the Gimmick Awards. You are a shoo-in for Best Use of Those Sideways Open Triangle Thingies Whose Real Grammatical Name I Should So Totally Remember But Don't.

GranolaSpice

"LOOK!" you KNOW i was squealing when she got axed! But in a cute and happy way, not at ALL like a pig. Happy weekend!

Princess

Oh no what is wrong with poor Ceiba's poop now? Poor thing for both of you!

Also I feel your pain with the sweater and the fuzz, I have about 5 of them and they all do that!!!

nightngale

Here. Just a hug. SQUEEEEEEEEEZE. Hope that helped.

Minarae

At least there are new boots in there. And also, how sad am I that I didn't watch The Apprentice so I didn't see that skanky bitch get canned.

That sounded kinda dirty....heh.

M.

maggie

hate to laugh at your week of tribulations, but holy crap this is hysterical. if only my stress factors spoke to ME this way...

Heather

Oooh, today I am wearing a very cute sweater that is also 10% angora. Stupid angora. I am now covered in white fur. But danm, girl, exciting week for you, huh?

Shiz

I SO love you, Amalah! But I want you to not go crazy, alright? Take it easy. Threten to leave your job if they don't get you a temp, STAT!

I was thinking about your car-crash post this morning on the way to work, and I got all weepy and I got chills thinking about your dad weeping HARDER when you said the thing about the car and, and, WAAAAAH! You write so good it makes me think about it later and get all emotional.

I meant to put "you write so good." Sometimes I heart bad grammar.

Sabine

You should definately write books. I'll buy them, and I know everyone here will!

type a

can jason take toddler somewhere? so that we can write? i'll send t up to you and you come here to me.

ya think?

Kitty

What a week! You made me laugh though, like always. Don't stress yourself out, but if you do write a book I'm so buying one. Just like I said yesterday. :)

Dr. Johnny Fever

Ivana is a dirty, dirty whore and we are all better off now that she has been euthanized.

RockStar Mommy

At least you have cherries on your site now. You know, they sit in your colon for years and years and years and laugh at how they're about to give you cancer? But they're so yummy, how could anyone resist?

supine

Eeeee! Friday afternoon! Weekend approaching! No more work crapola. Hope you have a lovely weekend and that you get time for writing and pizza and everything else fun.

ben

I was going to ask you to marry me, say we could run away together.

Then I realized eleventy hundred angry bloggers would hunt me down and kill me for taking you away from them.

So I'm sorry, hon, I don't think it's going to work out. Hope this doesn't bum you out or anything, it's really for the best.

Roxie

Not are you only the Queen of Everything, you are SUPER QOE (da da da DAAA). Put away your cape, get a glass or 10 of wine and put your beautiful feet up. Weeks like this one make vacation look soooo good. Hopefully you'll get a break soon.

And BTW, your car accident entry put me in greater awe of you! It's suprising you made to 20 with "The Accident" and The Captain's Dog! Plus, I love your dad! Having kids of my own, the thought of losing something so precious would be devastating. He sounds like a great guy!

lizardek

There you go, bringing the funny AGAIN. You rock, Amalah! But you need to mellow out before you frizz right off into the stratosphere. We cannot afford to lose you...the internet NEEDS YOU. :) Also, Ceiba, Max and Jason, but that's just a little consideration in the face of the BIG INTERNET LOVE you generate.

Manda

your hair and your sweater were in cahoots all week. one was frizzin', one was fuzzin', and it was all because they wanted you to post about them. :D

Fraulein N

Hello, this is . You take a break now. Seriously. Tell Ceiba to behave, and give your fingers and brain a rest. Your readers need you: rested, refreshed, and FUNNY.

Sarcomical

you kill me, girl.

sounds like a stressful week, but OH! so fun. and lots of cool opportunities for the queen. me likey. you should do them. that is, IF you can get an effing assistant already damn it all.

also? you are not alone in the pretty fuzzy sweater department that sheds all over pretty black pants. that's why i carry a pet hair roller-tape-thingy in my bag to work every day.

tiffanie

i've come to rely on your updates as a high point do my days. understand how upset i am that i've been here at least 20 times SINCE this entry...and nothing has changed. damn you for having a life! *jealous* just kidding. :) but really, i love reading your entries. always keeps me entertained.

DeAnn

They say when it rains it pours. Who knew that was a bad thing when the rain is good news!

Zoot

You are going to give us the details of all of these offers so we can all be like, "My friend, Amy, is writing for this magazine...." right?

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