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November 2004
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January 2005

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Our office Christmas party was yesterday, and I had such high entry-related hopes for it. But alas, it was very tame, and no one fell down, not even me. Although there was a very dangerously slippery-looking dance floor, and my friend Sprocketeer kept daring me to go sliding across it on my knees while singing, "LET'S GET THIS STAR-AR-TED." I declined, but am still laughing at that mental image today. But today is Wednesday, which means it's time to smack some advice down. So let's get this star-ar-ted with a question from Tonya: Dearest Queen Amalah – I have been wrestling with the idea of starting my very own blog. I have had a Live Journal thingy going for a couple of months now with very little traffic (although I have read your entry on how to up your traffic, therefore the shameless plug of my own journal here). My writing is nothing like that of the great Amalah, but there are things I feel I could offer the Internet community. Like my cat! The Internet NEEDS to see pictures of my cat! Currently it is more of a weight loss focused journal. But some day my husband and I... Read more →

Stupid Girl

I think I may need to follow Doxie's lead and create a category like her "Times I Fell Down." My category can be "Times I Did Stupid Things That Resulted In Injury to Myself, Or Else Just Public Embarrassment." With that in mind, let's recap the weekend. Stupid Thing #1 Friday night, I fell out of a cab. On the WAY to dinner, pre-wine, pre-anything. I do not know how or what or why. I just did. Stupid Thing #2 We went to see The Incredibles on Saturday. A matinee, because we are trying to pretend that we like children. "Kids are great! Wow, what spirit! What energy! What...brats. Shut UP, child. Why doesn't this movie theater serve beer? I'd probably like these kids if I had some beer." Anyway. We followed the (small, screaming, monstrous) crowd into the theater and sat down. The previews were atrociously kiddified, and included a movie about a plucky zebra who wants to be a racehorse and features the voices of Snoop Dogg, David Spade and Frankie Muniz. I wish to God I was making this up. (Although the trailer for Fat Albert made me laugh pretty damn hard, but again, I remind you... Read more →

One Week

Amy’s week, as told through a series of vignettes, sentence fragments and exclamation points. MONDAY Hello, this is , we just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you submitted an essay or two. We will pay you actual money. Let us know. Amy: SQUEE! Amy: Amy: SHIT! Hello, this is , where are you? Why haven’t you written anything? Why don’t you love us? Fucking lazy bitch. Hello, this is . You really need to get a move on those eleventy hundred Special Reports that print on Friday, especially the ones you HAVE NOT EVEN STARTED ON. We pay you actual money, but only because we assume that occasionally you do actual work. TUESDAY Hello, this is . I am ugly! So are you! Frizz! Frizzfrizzfrizz! Hello, this is , I just love your site and think it would be awesome cool if you pitched a novel or two to some literary agents I know. They could give you actual fame and make all your stupid high school friends wicked jealous. Let me know. Amy: SQUEEEEEEEE! Amy: Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Gah! Work! Excuses! Long lines at Nordstrom's when I went out to buy socks for the poor children that my office collects socks for and I'm not even going to go into that! Anyway! The Smackdown is late, and as of this moment it is incomplete. Jason is whacking me with the TV remote and whining and waving his hand in front of the computer screen because he wants to go out for dinner. NOW. NOWNOWNOWNOW. So here are two questions. Two or three more to come later, AFTER dinner, AFTER wine. So check back! (Unless there are already four or five questions posted when you are reading this, which means you have ripped a hole in the space-time-blog continuum and you should run for your life.) AMY - STOP TYPING I WANT PIZZA WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR DUMB ADVICE. LOVE, JASON My Dearest Amalah, Who I Trust Has The Answers To All Of My Problems: I recently bought the most beautiful new black suede boots. I am smitten with them. They fit me perfectly in every way, but are more than just a wee bit snug when I zip up the top inch or so near my knees. Now,... Read more →