The Christmas There Was No Fresh Basil
Merry Christmas to Everyone Except the United States Postal Service

Fock This

There will be no Advice Smackdown today, because I have something better to write about. And you can just suck it if you don't think it's better, because you're wrong and stupid. Plus, there are prizes!

Last we wandered into some sort of surreal, this-does-not-happen-in-actual-real-life bonanza of blog material.

It was the after-party for a screening of Meet the Fockers, brought to you by Bud Lite. At a Ruby Tuesday's.

First, okay, yes. The Amalahs were at a Ruby Tuesday's. Am ashamed. But we were only there for the cheese fries and the beer. We had other reasons for going there, all of which make such perfect sense that if I wrote them all out you'd totally be blown away by our late-night munchie logic, but I won't write them out because this post is not about me and my eating habits.

This post is about all the notes I took on a napkin. The very first thing I wrote down?


An argument had broken out at the bar regarding whether or not the cat and the dog in the movie were real or animatronic.

"Of course they were real! They looked so real! They couldn't make them so realistic if they weren't really real!"

"But there is no way they really flushed a dog down a toilet. There is just NO WAY."

"Hey, who else needs a cold and refreshing Bud Lite?"

The "party" consisted of five Bud Lite reps, two guys who may or may not have been a couple, and a group of four twentysomethings on a group date who all ordered bacon double cheeseburgers, except for one girl who got the salad bar but then ate all her boyfriend's fries.

We learned who the Bud Lite people were kind of by accident at first.

Swarmy Guy With Two Cell Phones & A Pager: So! Were you two at the movie? Wasn't it GREAT?

Amy: Um, no. We weren't at the movie.

Jason: *snorts*

Amy: Yeah, see, I hated Meet the Parents intensely.

Swarmy: You HATED Meet the Parents? Nobody hated Meet the Parents!

Amy: I know I'm alone in this opinion. That movie made me want to gouge my eyes out with a plastic spoon.

Swarmy: Well, you should still totally see Meet the Fockers. It was awesome!

Amy: I also hated Titanic.

Swarmy: *head explodes*

The Bud Lite people came laden with five boxes of Focker Swag, including beer coozies, keychains, T-shirts and Very Official & Authentic Movie Posters.

"That was the organizer I was just talking to, wasn't it?" I asked. "How much do I rock? Tell me that I rock."

"You are a rebel." Jason answered.  "Also, I think they were expecting a few more people."

The Official Bud Lite Focking Team wandered around the sparsely populated bar for awhile, pawning off coozies that nobody wanted and trying to get everyone to talk about how great the movie was and wasn't it so great that they got to see it FIRST, and let's all raise our glasses to toast the wonderful Busch family for making this all possible and being so great.

My napkin reads: Dudes. The movie opens in THREE DAYS. You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake. Shut the fock up.

(My napkin was wrong, actually, as the movie opened today. So these people had only gotten about a 12-hour jump on the rest of the country. So my point still stands, even though I clearly need to hire a fact-checker for all future napkin journalistic efforts.)

A redheaded Bud Lite girl who was not aware that I was blaspheming the good name of one-note-joke cinema came around and gave us coozies and keychains.

Napkin: Focking swag! Woot!

After the like, six attendees left, the Bud Lite people hung out to bitch about work and drink more Bud Lite and make seventeen trips to the bathroom each. Jason and I had pretty much moved on and were having a rollicking discussion about Fight Club (a movie I did not hate), and I was congratulating myself for the "unique snowflake" reference.

But, you know. The Bud Lite people were RIGHT THERE. It was hard not to overhear their conversations. Especially since those conversations seemed to be about:

1) Strip clubs. Attending and/or working in.

2) Whether or not some boss guy had kids, and whether or not they were ugly.

3) Whether or not some boss guy's kids were actually his own, because they were not ugly.

Redhead: Doesn't some boss guy remind you of that guy? Oh shit, you know who I'm talking about. That actor who was in the movie with the 12 kids? And the one with Queen Latifah? What the hell is his name?

Poor, poor Steve Martin. I'm so sorry. You're no longer the guy from The Jerk, Roxanne, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels or even Father of the Bride, for Christ's sake. You're no longer that wild and crazy guy with the arrow on your head. You're now that guy from Cheaper by the Dozen and that movie with Queen Latifah.

I'm sorry. I know it's your own fault, but I've read both Shopgirl and The Pleasure of My Company and still love you intensely. And I would have slugged Redhead for you if Jason had let me.

Swarmy: *tries to get his icy cold draft of Bud Lite into the promotional coozie*

Amy: *a little embarassed because she already tried that, and it didn't work*

Beer: *goes everywhere*

Swarmy: Hey there, can I grab a napkin from you?

Amy: Um. No. I need it. For. Stuff.

Next, the group started talking about some photo of Redhead when she was, apparently, all decked out in Bud Lite Ho Wear for another, more interesting event.

The word "cameltoe" was overheard. We checked out. The End.

But now? I currently posess two (2) Bud Lite/Meet the Fockers beer coozies, two (2) Meet the Fockers keychains that look suspiciously like the Star Trek logo, and three (3) Very Official & Authentic Meet the Fockers Movie Posters.

And one (1) very funny napkin of notes, in near-mint condition, except for one little part that Ceiba ate.

So to thank the good people at Anheuser-Busch for providing me with such scintillating entertainment, I'd like to help create some "buzz" for this Meet the Fockers film, because I think it's really important that we support quality cinema that may otherwise be overlooked by the Hollywood marketing machine.

Your challenge is to write the funniest damn comment involving the word "Focker," which I hear may be a small source of humor in the actual movie. From time to time. Okay, in every scene. So let's pretend we wrote the script and can make wacky Focker jokes 'til the cows come home because HA! It just never gets old.

Variations are allowed, including fock, focking and fockity. The rest is up to you. Stories, haikus, historical biography -- I really don't care. You may enter more than once, within reason. (Meaning don't make a focking nuisance of yourself.) Winners will be chosen by me and Jason will help with any tiebreakers. Prizes will be awarded as follows:

Grand Prize: The Almighty Napkin which contains AT LEAST one extra bonus joke that did not make it into the final post, one movie poster (autographed wittily by me, if you'd like, unless you hope to make millions off it on eBay), one coozie and one keychain.

Second Prize: One poster, autographed by me blah blah blah eBay, and one coozie.

Third Prize: The poster thing. Again.

Honorable Mention: A keychain. And the shame of defeat.

So get ready, get set, go fock yourselves!



I would make a snappy comment to winning the coveted prizes, but I would be the burned at the stake (for my own good of course) if I actually owned any of that focking crap. First post, please forgive me. Heehee


This can't be possible. I'm FIRST? There are no comments before me?

Dammit. I need inspiration from others. Yes, I admit it, I'm a cheap, idea-stealing, focking whore.

Sadly, I know I will not win any of the prizes. Even though I'm FIRST.

/blowing the opportunity


WHAT?? I was first. I WAS! It said, Comments (0).



PinkStiletto, don't question my superpowers. Now maybe I should win, because I am evil and bad. That's reason enough, right?


First, I totally hated Titanic, and when the play "the song that will not be named" I wish to jab a pencil in my ear. Second, I never saw Meet the Parents. I never had even the slightest desire to think about going to see this movie. So thirdly, here is a po-em for the fockers.

Ode to a Focker

Dear, sweet Ben Stiller
Hear your movie is a killer
With dogs that are blue
And the great Streisand too,
It sucks that it's just focking filler.


Dude. Gimme!


I'd rather stab myself in the focking eye with a fock than see that focking movie, considering how much I hated the first fock-fest.

Also? I'd like Barbra Streisand to fucking die.

You heard me.


Meet The Parents 3: Here's The Little Focker.

Becky S

Amalah writes here to mock
The party that celebrates Fock
A contest she had
But the entries were bad
Except mine, because I focking rock


Do I agree with Amalah about "Meet the Parents?" Abso-focking-lutely. I even left for an extended bathrom break, and when I returned I realized I should have just stayed in the focking lobby.

Do I have a chance at winning the Grand Prize? Fock no! But this is fun! Fock, fockity fock fock fock! Hee!


My mom focked Robert DeNiro and then she dumped him. She was an actor, and they met in the unemployment line for actors in NY. This was in the 70s, right before his career took off, and dumped him because she knew his career was going to take off and he would be away too much, aka, she wouldn't get focked very much. She still calls him Bobby and my dad yells and refuses to see his movies. Heh.


So, Barbara Steisand's character in the next movie? She is staying on a farm (kind of Meet the Parents meets City Slickers) and every morning she is aroused by a rooster (I mean woken up, jeez people). She gets tireder and tireder of this 5am wake up call - so one afternoon she heads out to the barn and punched the bird upside his tiny little head. So. . .

. . .say it with me folks. . .

she is a cock socking mother Focker.

Well, I crack ME up.


Y'know. . .I know I won't win The Keychain, but I am planning to work my farm story into conversation at work today.

Thank you for the creative writing inspiration.

suzanna danna

"Meet The Parents" was a film that will forever be linked in my mind to complete anxiety. It was viewed over one (Thanksgiving???) weekend when I went with an old boyfriend, whose sexuality (Big focking QUEER!) and name (Marcus Fus... oh fock... Google) will remain in obscurity (focking *cough*) to his parent’s place in LA (lower Alabama or Louisiana… whatever).

He told his parents that we were still seeing each other. They put us in the same room together. They were all "Awwww" and then he left me for a full day with his MOM to run errands and listen to her talk on and on about how it was time for her to concentrate on HER needs. Ew.

That night we went to see that focking movie. It made me so anxious that my ass remained clenched throughout its entirety. So. Very. Uncomfortable.



They should have had t-shirts that said "Fock You, You FOCKING Fock!"

But that would only go over here in Brooklyn.

Gypsy Mommy

You Fokkers ought to know this tune....

Focking around the Christmas tree
at the Bud Lite Ruby Tuesday Fokker party hop
Bud Lite keychains hung where you can see
every swarmy beer man tries to stop

Focking around the Christmas tree,
let the focking spirit ring
Later we'll have some focking pie
and we'll do some fockiling.

You will get a fockimental
feeling when you hear…….
Voices singing let's be focking jolly,
Fock the halls with boughs of holly

Focking around the Christmas tree,
have a focky holiday
Everyone focking merrily
in the new old-focking way.


I'm so focking scared to see Meet the Fockers (mostly because of focking Barbara Streisand - however you focking spell her last name).
I know I'm not going to win this contest since I'm not focking funny enough, but it's a goal of mine.

And you're not alone - Meet the Parents focking sucked. Except for the toilet flushing cat - I wish mine would do that...
Did I use 'focking' enough??


I don't have a "focking" comment, but I had to de-lurk to say...

I laughed my focking ass off at Janna's story!

Resume the fockiness...

Scarlett Cyn

Gypsy Mommy and Janna focking blew me away. I can't even think of what the fock to write now.

Even though I was focking grasping at straws for Amalah's Focking Focker Contest, not like I'm gonna win, cause even if that focking pretty Amy (or Jason the adorable)wanted to choose me, like she would focking send the prize to the other focking side of the planet?". )

I don't focking think so.

Real Girl

My favorite part in the movie is when Ben Stiller visits the sheep farm. You know, when there's One Fock, One Shepherd.

I enjoyed, as well, when Barbara Streisand's character asks for a special favor from the President, and he responds: "Focker? I don't even know 'er."

And by the way, the soundtrack rocks. Twelve excellent, hair-raising tracks. All by Fock of Seagulls.


Ben Stiller I loave
Pretty pretty Amy please
Send me Focker swag

In my opinion
Only you look good in Uggs
Finished sucking up


Fock. My creative juices are so not flowing today. I remain ever impressed at all of your focking brilliant ideas, though.


First, Sarah, is that story true about your mother? Because that is focking awesome.

Second, right focking on. I HATED Titanic. I kept wishing both of them would drown by the second hour of the movie. And Meet the Parents? Totally focking awful.

I know I have no chance of winning but just reading Sarah's story was worth every focking minute.


I'd comment. But. Cant. All I was doing was reading the above and FOCK. I think I peed a little.


I have no fockin' funny comments.
I just wanted you to know (said in a Darth Vader voice) "Amy, I am your mother." I hated Meet the Parents and REFUSED to see Titanic. If the unwashed masses liked it that much, it had to be bad. Therefore it's a suicide pact with an uncle and I, if either of us sees Titanic- the other has to shoot them. I LOVE being superior.


I went to "Meet the Parents" with a friend of mine. Whose fiance had just run away with the next door neighbor. She also left him with $6,000 of debt. And took his hairbrush.

Not the right focking movie to see, let me tell you. It's never good when a tractor mechanic cries.

Oh, and I don't want any "Focker" stuff. Ben Stiller is a focking hack for not putting more Janeane Garafaolo in his movies. Cos SHE focking rocks.

type a

dude, remember when i thought toddler was about to propose? because he asked me if he should ask my mom for my hand? or whatever?

did i ever tell you where that came from? focking meet the parents, that's where.

he made me netflix it one time and i gave in because i'm always bringing home sex and the city and white oleander and season six of buffy and whathaveyou. so, fine. have your stewpid movie, right?

needless to say, i passed the fock out ten minutes into the focking thing, but he didn't. nope.

he watched the whole fool thing and wondered, in his toddler mind, if someday, he needed to go through whatever focking nonsense when on in that "film."

type a: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz and also? please do not send me a keychain.


Let's go with the South Park theme..because obviously you can't love South Park and be a fan of here goes...

"Shut your Focking Face, Uncle Focker!"


"Fock you guys, IM going hoooome."

....and finally in the spirit of Christmas...

"Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo, he focks me, I fock you, therefore vicariously...he focks you..."

Ewwwwwwwww. And please keep your key chain. I just wanted to see how that looked typed out. The next movie title should be "FOCK the Fockers!"


I'm beginning to want to tell these people to put a fock in it. Har!


Oh! I sort of forgot. All winners will also get a kick-ass, non-Focker-related mix CD.

I probably should have mentioned that. Fock me.


Have a focking great Christmas to you and Jason and Ceiba and Max!

(Also, congrats on the Diarist! That is focking awesome and well-deserved, for real. And man, I was focking late with the kudos, wasn't I? Fock.)

Scarlett Cyn

Now, I wouldn't focking mind the kick-ass non-focker related Mix CD. (Hint hint)

Focking hell!


I don't want no focking prize. Oh, non-focker loot is good!

The first movie was focking painful. Focking. Painful. Like a virgin focked for the very first time.

Am crass.


I feel so very sorry for Steve Martin, the guy from some awful recent movies.

Steve, you are still my kitty-cat handcuff joke-telling guy.

And I loved you in Grand Canyon.

And Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

And Housesitter.

Also L.A. Story.

And Father of the Bride.

But not so much The Man With Two Brains, though the name Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr was hilarious. And Uumellmahaye. Rock on.


Delurking to join the "Hated the Focking Titanic Movie, too" Club.


I will enter the hall of shame by admitting that I am a Focking-Focker-Lover.
The Titanic? Haaaated It? But the Thumbtanic? Loaved it - absofockinglutely - loaved it. If you like mocking The Titanic (and some thumb puppetry) you may enjoy it.
Have a Happy Focking Holiday!

cheryl b.

Fock fock.
Who's there?
Fock who?
Fock you you focking focker.
Now this is good clean fun.


Fock me, brain dead. Again. Oh, just Fock this Focking shit! I am such a Focking Whore for Swag too. Oh well. FOCK!

Just me

fock the the fockers
fock the movies
fock any one that want to see the fockers
fock any one that wants to win this focking contest and
fock the focking prizes
its just fun to keep writing fock!


What the fock is a coozie?

cheryl b.

She said fock and coozie....hahahahahhaha.


All this posting makes me think of the Roman Moroni character in "Johnny Dangerously".

Fargin iceholes.


I can't f*cking win, so I won't even say it. Yep no **** in this.

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