December 06, 2004
I think I may need to follow Doxie's lead and create a category like her "Times I Fell Down." My category can be "Times I Did Stupid Things That Resulted In Injury to Myself, Or Else Just Public Embarrassment."
With that in mind, let's recap the weekend.
Stupid Thing #1
Friday night, I fell out of a cab. On the WAY to dinner, pre-wine, pre-anything. I do not know how or what or why. I just did.
Stupid Thing #2
We went to see The Incredibles on Saturday. A matinee, because we are trying to pretend that we like children.
"Kids are great! Wow, what spirit! What energy! What...brats. Shut UP, child. Why doesn't this movie theater serve beer? I'd probably like these kids if I had some beer."
Anyway. We followed the (small, screaming, monstrous) crowd into the theater and sat down. The previews were atrociously kiddified, and included a movie about a plucky zebra who wants to be a racehorse and features the voices of Snoop Dogg, David Spade and Frankie Muniz. I wish to God I was making this up.
(Although the trailer for Fat Albert made me laugh pretty damn hard, but again, I remind you that I am Very Stupid.)
ANYWAY. The movie starts, and I'm confused when we see the Nickelodeon SPLAT logo instead of the Pixar logo with the adorable desk lamp. Then there's some non-animated guy on some non-animated boat, and I'm thinking that I've been grossly misinformed about this movie.
Yet I DO NOT COMPREHEND what has happened until the fool CREDITS start rolling and we hear...
WHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lives in a pineapple under the seeeeeeaa.....
"Grab your coat!" I hiss to Jason, "We're in the fucking Spongebob movie!"
"Shit!" He said. "What the fuck?"
(Yes, clearly we are ready to have children.)
We made it to the right theater in time, only missing part of some odd little Pixar short about a bald hopping sheep and a jackalope that may or may not have been voiced by John Goodman or by someone who really wanted to sound like John Goodman, only more cowboyish. Either way, it was weird. The Pixar people are on drugs. The end.
I can include this story in my Times I Did Stupid Things That Resulted In Injury to Myself, Or Else Just Public Embarrassment Category because this morning, while regaling a coworker with this story, I got a little too animated and did a big dramatic chair-swing at the "Jason, grab your coat!" part and smacked my knee on the side of my desk. Hard.
But I tried to act like I didn't and kept going with the story until I realized that there was blood seeping through my pants. At this point I had to admit to my coworker that I had perhaps fatally injured myself and would he please go get me a band-aid, some ice and some vodka.
Stupid Thing #3
I have seriously yet mysteriously injured my lower back. Considering that I do absolutely nothing strenuous at all, ever, I became convinced that I was dying of kidney failure.
(In my defense, I had serious Kidney Issues as a child and was forever being hospitalized with infections and blah blah increased risk of renal failure pee in this cup and allow us to insert tubes where tubes shouldn't go but it's okay because your mom is going to buy you a Pound Puppy when you get home but first let me rap you on your poor infected kidneys some more.)
(Also, WebMD is perhaps the most terrifying Web site on the planet, just behind this one.)
So I spent much of the weekend rapping on my back and moaning and preparing for death, but I'm pretty sure now that I'm going to live and that I just pulled something, most likely during sex. Sex! Hi, I am ninety years old.
Or maybe from falling out of that cab. Either way, I'm installing a damn handrail in my shower before I break a hip.
Stupid Thing #4
I clipped Max's back claws. By myself. He did not enjoy this. Ow.
Stupid Thing #5
In spite of Stupid Thing #3, I decided on Sunday night that the Old n' Busted Couch had to go. That. Very. Instant. I believe it was about 10 p.m. Someone in our building had abandoned a cheap and ugly-ass armoire on the curb, which you aren't allowed to do, otherwise Old n' Busted would have been deposited there months ago. But look! Someone else was breaking the rules! It was dark out! No one will see! Everyone will blame the armoire people! It's the perfect crime!
Perfect except for the hauling-a-big-ass-couch-down-three-flights-of-stairs-in-the-dark part. And the injured back part. But we succeeded! We have one couch and one couch only in our living room! And it only took six months!
But dang it, my back hurts. Put me in a home.
amalah: what are those things called that you plug in and they get hot?
jason: a hot plate?
amalah: no, no, you lie on them
jason: like a lie detector?
amalah: no, no, for your back! for your pain! you lie DOWN on them and they are like pads that get hot, but not those sticky ones from the drugstore.
jason: a heating pad?
amalah: right! but what are they CALLED?
jason: you know, I think I might work late tonight.
Stupid Thing #6
I let TiVo use my Tom Hanks Wish List against me and record a whole slew of Bosom Buddies episodes. This is a very, very bad show. Also stupid. Like, Zebra Racehorse Stupid.
And I laughed my fool head off and got myself a damn season pass. Help. I'm old, falling apart, senile and have horrible taste in television.
But I only have one couch in my living room. And I'm so going to get one of those heating plate pad things and then I'll be back in action and ready for my next fall down a flight of stairs, or something.