One Week
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Stupid Girl

I think I may need to follow Doxie's lead and create a category like her "Times I Fell Down." My category can be "Times I Did Stupid Things That Resulted In Injury to Myself, Or Else Just Public Embarrassment."

With that in mind, let's recap the weekend.

Stupid Thing #1

Friday night, I fell out of a cab. On the WAY to dinner, pre-wine, pre-anything. I do not know how or what or why. I just did.

Stupid Thing #2

We went to see The Incredibles on Saturday. A matinee, because we are trying to pretend that we like children.

"Kids are great! Wow, what spirit! What energy! What...brats. Shut UP, child. Why doesn't this movie theater serve beer? I'd probably like these kids if I had some beer."

Anyway. We followed the (small, screaming, monstrous) crowd into the theater and sat down. The previews were atrociously kiddified, and included a movie about a plucky zebra who wants to be a racehorse and features the voices of Snoop Dogg, David Spade and Frankie Muniz. I wish to God I was making this up.

(Although the trailer for Fat Albert made me laugh pretty damn hard, but again, I remind you that I am Very Stupid.)

ANYWAY. The movie starts, and I'm confused when we see the Nickelodeon SPLAT logo instead of the Pixar logo with the adorable desk lamp. Then there's some non-animated guy on some non-animated boat, and I'm thinking that I've been grossly misinformed about this movie.

Yet I DO NOT COMPREHEND what has happened until the fool CREDITS start rolling and we hear...

WHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lives in a pineapple under the seeeeeeaa.....

"Grab your coat!" I hiss to Jason, "We're in the fucking Spongebob movie!"

"Shit!" He said. "What the fuck?"

(Yes, clearly we are ready to have children.)

We made it to the right theater in time, only missing part of some odd little Pixar short about a bald hopping sheep and a jackalope that may or may not have been voiced by John Goodman or by someone who really wanted to sound like John Goodman, only more cowboyish. Either way, it was weird. The Pixar people are on drugs. The end.

I can include this story in my Times I Did Stupid Things That Resulted In Injury to Myself, Or Else Just Public Embarrassment Category because this morning, while regaling a coworker with this story, I got a little too animated and did a big dramatic chair-swing at the "Jason, grab your coat!" part and smacked my knee on the side of my desk. Hard.

But I tried to act like I didn't and kept going with the story until I realized that there was blood seeping through my pants. At this point I had to admit to my coworker that I had perhaps fatally injured myself and would he please go get me a band-aid, some ice and some vodka.

Stupid Thing #3

I have seriously yet mysteriously injured my lower back. Considering that I do absolutely nothing strenuous at all, ever, I became convinced that I was dying of kidney failure.

(In my defense, I had serious Kidney Issues as a child and was forever being hospitalized with infections and blah blah increased risk of renal failure pee in this cup and allow us to insert tubes where tubes shouldn't go but it's okay because your mom is going to buy you a Pound Puppy when you get home but first let me rap you on your poor infected kidneys some more.)

(Also, WebMD is perhaps the most terrifying Web site on the planet, just behind this one.)

So I spent much of the weekend rapping on my back and moaning and preparing for death, but I'm pretty sure now that I'm going to live and that I just pulled something, most likely during sex. Sex! Hi, I am ninety years old.

Or maybe from falling out of that cab. Either way, I'm installing a damn handrail in my shower before I break a hip.

Stupid Thing #4

I clipped Max's back claws. By myself. He did not enjoy this. Ow.

Stupid Thing #5

In spite of Stupid Thing #3, I decided on Sunday night that the Old n' Busted Couch had to go. That. Very. Instant. I believe it was about 10 p.m. Someone in our building had abandoned a cheap and ugly-ass armoire on the curb, which you aren't allowed to do, otherwise Old n' Busted would have been deposited there months ago. But look! Someone else was breaking the rules! It was dark out! No one will see! Everyone will blame the armoire people! It's the perfect crime!

Perfect except for the hauling-a-big-ass-couch-down-three-flights-of-stairs-in-the-dark part. And the injured back part. But we succeeded! We have one couch and one couch only in our living room! And it only took six months!

But dang it, my back hurts. Put me in a home.

amalah: Jase?

jason: yep?

amalah: what are those things called that you plug in and they get hot?

jason: a hot plate?

amalah: no, no, you lie on them

jason: like a lie detector?

amalah: no, no, for your back! for your pain! you lie DOWN on them and they are like pads that get hot, but not those sticky ones from the drugstore.

jason: a heating pad?

amalah: right! but what are they CALLED?

jason: you know, I think I might work late tonight.

Stupid Thing #6

I let TiVo use my Tom Hanks Wish List against me and record a whole slew of Bosom Buddies episodes. This is a very, very bad show. Also stupid. Like, Zebra Racehorse Stupid.

And I laughed my fool head off and got myself a damn season pass. Help. I'm old, falling apart, senile and have horrible taste in television.

But I only have one couch in my living room. And I'm so going to get one of those heating plate pad things and then I'll be back in action and ready for my next fall down a flight of stairs, or something.



Heating pad is a wonderful thing...Good luck


if it helps? E says I need a hallpass to use the kitchen because it's impossible for me NOT to burn myself or cut off the tip of a finger. And the sad thing? He's right.


Joe threw his back out this weekend too! And I had to go searching near and far and high and low to find out hot plate.


Bosom Buddies is the best show. Ever. Except for those old Get Smarts. Really. Don't tell my husband because I make fun of him for watching Nick at Nite.

You should do a column on secret vices, not like shoes, because you have to wear those and then everyone knows, but like icky foods you like to eat in secret (like frosting out of the can), or listening to country music. (Have you ever seen Keith Urban??)


Any night at Chez Minarae you will hear this exchange:

TIB: Where'd you get that gigantic nasty black bruise that is taking over your thigh?
M: I have no idea, but I've got another one on my arm, wanna see?

It's gotten to the point where unless I scream bloody murder and demand that he come help me, my cries of "Ow!" are usually ignored.

And also, get thee to a me, as One Who Falls A Lot....a good chiropractor is a falling girl's best friend.


Hee. Handrail in the shower. That made me laugh. I think there is a certain element of cool geekdom in watching Bosom Buddies. Not so much for Golden Girls. Not that I would know anything about that. I'm just sayin.


I understand the kidney fear. You are skinny, but if you know someone else who is going to go on an Atkins-y, South-Beach-y protein diet, tell them NO. Bad for the kidneys. Just passing it on.

I HATE when doctors push on what's already hurting to make sure it REALLY hurts. Bastards.


Thermacare pads?


As usual your entry is absolutely spot on with humor. Thanks for making me laugh.


I love that you replaced the Old 'n Busted couch for an Old 'n Busted Amalah. But HOOKER! John Goodman was actually Bud Luckey. And I loved that stupid sheep.


The people who made the Zebra movie should be made to watch it 10,000 times. And then fired. And then made to watch it another 10,000 times. Also Look Who's Talking 3.

I did not like the sheep. Gah. Terrible. Whoever was behind that should enter rehab.

Tips for seeing kids movies: GO LATE, when they are in bed and you can watch it with grown-ups. DO NOT do like I did and see Pochahontas in the DOLLARE theatre on a Saturday afternoon where every, EVERY child SINGS ALONG TO EVERY SONG because they've seen it seventy-billion times already. Shut up, already, kiddies.

That theatre has now been torn down.


Finally! Someone else who had bad kidneys as a child! Could I have HAD any more kidney infections before age 10? And Bosom Buddies...I once dated a sportswriter whose idea of a good hang was to watch old Bosom Buddies episodes, which I LOVED (the show, not him). The only good thing about that lame Pixar short is that we arrived at the theatre midway through it, so of course I had to let my boyfriend think THAT was the movie I'd dragged him to.

Scarlett Cyn

Thank you for sharing your, um, misadventures. Maybe it's the meds making you, uh, erm, less than graceful lately? (I'm not implying anything, just noticing similarities between us, which would explain me falling down stairs and tripping UP stairs as well as just falling down. Me, not you)I feel SO much better now that you are falling all over the place and banging appendages too!Fanfuckingtabulous.

I must commend you on your bravery for clipping Max's back claws. Brava! Wounds stopped bleeding yet?


OOoh, Heating Pads are the best. Just a word of advice, don't get an expensive one. I made that mistake. The expensive ones turn off if you lay on it. That's right, if you LAY ON IT. How else are you going to use it? So I sort of half lay on it. It's some kind of a safety feature. Safety feature my ass. I'm in pain and they are messing with me. By a cheap one that doesn't turn off after an hour and doesn't turn off if you lay on it. You'll thank me later. (And it isn't my fault if your place starts on fire. Just thought I'd throw that out there.)


I'm thinking about getting a hot water bottle. I know that is so 1930. But I have seen all these really cute bottle covers. And my heating pad always burns me. Well, not actual burns.


All you need is to be chased by a giant boulder through a cave and you are Indiana Amy. Thrills! Chills! Spills!


I have to know one thing... were there any shoes harmed or injured in the making of Amalah Goes Splatt movie? Cuz if there were I might have to notify the shoe equivalent of the PETA people.

[/bad joke]


That was hilarious, especially the part where you hurt yourself while telling the story dramatically and tried to play it off. I have done that so many times, and as soon as the person's back is turned, I'm like, "Medic! Oy, help please." Ah, the dorkosity.


You clipped a cat's back nails?!

Adrenalin junkie...

type a

wait til you're thirty.

and i miss you!


My hubby and I also decided to be brave and go see a matinee. Luckily we ended up in the correct theater (I'd kill myself before I was fored to watch Spongebob. *shudder*) but we were surrounded by screaming bastards. I love kids, but not that many at once. Especially the really little ones who talk during the entire thing and don't stay seated.

Oh and get this - a Stepford Mom sat down next to me with her 4 children (all under the age of 4 - they didn't even understand the movie!) and J and I moved down b/c I wanted a seat in between me and her. And. The. Lady. Moved. Down. Also. Next to me. Where I purposely moved down to get away from her and her bubbly kids. I wanted to accidentally spill my drink on her. ;)


Short time reader, first time poster.

We also braved The Incredibles this weekend, but we caught the 10:30 PM at Ballston and until right before the show we were the only people in there. The same thing happened when we went to see Ice Age. I agree with Shiz. Moral: if you want to see an animated feature, wait until it's been out a few weeks and then go to the last show of the night -- almost guaranteed enjoyment.

I have to say I kind of loved the Riverdancing Sheep, but I may be in a minority there. If you went to a Regal, at least you missed the "is it a movie or is it a gimmick?" ads for "Bigg's Adventure". THAT was odd.

PS the pilot for Who's the Boss was on Nick at Nite at 1:30 am the other night!


My high school yearbook quote is from "Bosom Buddies." Sadly, not even Tom Hanks says it; it's Peter Scolari. And no, I will not be repeating it ever.


I'm with Katie on the hot water bottles. They're cheap and they work. I put them on my forehead when I get tension headaches. The added weight from the hwb and the heat together help almost in an instant. Relief!

Snowy: PETS? People for the Ethical Treatment of Shoes?

Kitty: That lady did not have a clue. Maybe next time you should tell her that Jesus is sitting there. I'm sure she'd stay away if you said that.


I completly understand about back pain. I am currently dying from a Kidney infection. Not literally but if you have ever had one you know that it really sucks. I feel for your situation. I was banashed as a child to dance class to make up for my ungraceful falling incidents. I was 3 you think that my parents would have given me a chance. Plus i really dont think it helped any. I just land a little better.


LOL - I'll try that next time. Quack if you love Jesus! :)

feisty girl

I like it when I injure myself sleeping. That feels lovely, and doesn't at all depress me about turning 30. ;)


Okay, Mad about You quote:

"See there? Perfectly good wife. Snapped her like a twig." God I miss that show.

And why are y'all dissin' on Spongebob? He speaks VERY kindly of you. He's like that you know.

And as a person who has kids and takes them to see movies, um, I don't have much. Except I try not to sit near other people. Cuz popcorn, she flies. Like the wind. And for some reason other people are always accidentally spilling their drinks on me. I'm just saying...


yes shiz! edzachary!

Bitter Betty

I'm developing an adult-sized hamster ball for the accident challenged like myself. I'll let you know when the patent is ready. I actually shut my nipple in a drawer once. A drawer!

Love your site btw.

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