Stupid Girl
Cheese and Cracking

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Our office Christmas party was yesterday, and I had such high entry-related hopes for it. But alas, it was very tame, and no one fell down, not even me.

Although there was a very dangerously slippery-looking dance floor, and my friend Sprocketeer kept daring me to go sliding across it on my knees while singing, "LET'S GET THIS STAR-AR-TED." I declined, but am still laughing at that mental image today.

But today is Wednesday, which means it's time to smack some advice down. So let's get this star-ar-ted with a question from Tonya:

Dearest Queen Amalah –

I have been wrestling with the idea of starting my very own blog.  I have had a Live Journal thingy going for a couple of months now with very little traffic (although I have read your entry on how to up your traffic, therefore the shameless plug of my own journal here).  My writing is nothing like that of the great Amalah, but there are things I feel I could offer the Internet community.  Like my cat!  The Internet NEEDS to see pictures of my cat!  Currently it is more of a weight loss focused journal.  But some day my husband and I would to travel down that road from “Childless & Happy About It, Hence All the Drinking” to “Trying to Conceive” to “Can You Believe What The Little Terror Did Last Night?”  Not to mention that I have a laptop at home & cable Internet, ensuring a drunk post or two.  My question is, what is the best way to go about setting up a blog?  Do I go to Typepad or attempt Moveable Type?  Or should I just start with Blogger or some other like service?

Also, and more importantly, how do I come up with a good tag line for my blog?  It’s kind of like giving yourself your own nickname or catchphrase, something I’m not sure of how to go about doing.

Your Loyal Subject,

Tonya

You should definitely start your own blog, but only if you promise not to be better at it than me. Also promise to not call it a blog, because I hate that word.

"Blog: Because Web Log Is Two Letters Too Many!"

(Heh. That would be a good tagline for your site. But too bad I thought of it first.)

Ahem. What? Oh. Your site. I'm partial to TypePad, because it gives you all the features of Movable Type without all the "HTML" and the "code" and the "make one mistake and fuck up your entire site forever" hassles. Plus, you don't need to install anything or find a hosting provider and stress about your server sharing bandwidth with some freaky porn site that involves clowns and pies.

But you do need to pay money, which is why a site through Blogspot might be better for you. I have two problems with Blogspot sites, because I am a Snooty Whore:

1) BLOGspot. There's that word again, and now it sounds like something you sneezed all over your pants.

2) TypePad and MT let you have your own jazzy little domain name, as opposed to www dot bloggityblogblogblog dot blogspot dot com.

(Wait, I lied. I have more than two problems.)

3) The comments suck. SUCK! I don't WANT to comment anonymously or log into the fake Blogger account I created just to avoid having to comment anonymously. I want to comment so all your readers will click on my link and go, "Hey, this site is even better than the one I was just reading! Awesome!" Blogger comments defeat me here.

4) Standard templates. There are some cool ones, but you're sharing them with 800 gajillion other blogs. (Although the same problem applies to the basic TypePad account, so pony up the money for a Pro subscription and you can CSS your little heart out or pay someone like me lots of money to design it for you.)

5) There are some CRAZY, CA-CA-CRAZY, BITCH FOOL ASS CRAZY people with Blogspot blogs. I fear it attracts them. Perhaps Blogger offers discounted broadband to insane asylums or something. I mean, I was just looking at a site the other day that looked  like Crazy vomited all over Blogspot and this site contained everything that didn't make it into the toilet.

But it's free. And easy. And also free, so you don't need to be like me and despair over your bandwidth overages and worry about having to sell out and get Google ads or offer Queen of Everything trucker caps or something.

(Although perhaps my problems will all be solved now that I've gone and bashed on Blogger and I will have no more readers, ever. For I am bitch. Also the Blogger people might come break my kneecaps.)

gah-gah-gah2

Amalah,

For my birthday I was given Sebastian Potion 9.  I am to assume this is some sort of hair stuff, as I got it from a friend who works in a salon.  Have you heard of this, and if so, in your unerring hair wisdom, could you tell me what the heck to do with it?

-Heather

I have not a clue. I've never used it, but according to the Sebastian people, it will fix everything that is wrong with your hair and also program your VCR. It appears to be either a hair moisturizer or de-oilifier or volumizer or de-frizzer or shinifier or split-end-mender or magic potion of love. Or all of the above.

Here's my Universal Advice for Mysterious Hair Products. On a non-important-day when you have no plans whatsoever, pour a small amount in your palm, rub your hands together and then run your fingers through towel-dried hair from roots to ends. Comb through. Style as desired, squint at reflection in mirror and declare it the Best Hair Day You Ever Had.

Or get back in the shower and re-shampoo if your hair looks like shit.

gah-gah-gah2

Amalah,

THERE ARE NO SEPHORA STROES IN VANCOUVER! Though I just found out there's one about an hour twenty minutes from me in Washington State. But before I drive all that way, have you smelled Peony Fleur de Sephora? Is it very pretty? I heart peonies. Do I want this fragrance? What other pretty, light & flowery and/or citrusy fragrances do I want? I have and like Clinique Happy (I KNOW; massive popularity makes it less likeable, but what can I say?)

I've also LOVED Calvin Klein's Eternity for, like, ever, but I've never gotten any and I've wondered if liking it puts me into the category of Total Fragrance Dorkness. I mean, Eternity was the "it" girl for a while in high school, along with Colors de Benetton, Tribe! (Barf), and Ex·cla·ma·tion! (Double barf). I feel the same way about Sunflower by Elizabeth Freaking Arden; like it, sometimes love it, but does that make me an Eau de Loser? Am I a total fragrance dorkwad? What do I do?

Help me Amalah-Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope!

Totally Ignorant

Gah! Colors de Benneton! Ex·cla·ma·tion! Sunflowers! You are looking at my adolescent fragrance hall of shame. (Along with Drakkar Noir, which every single boyfriend I had wore, so I would always get this weird feeling while making out with Boyfriend v.3.2 that I was back with Boyfriend v.2.1 who always reminded me of Boyfriend v.1.0. Yew.)

Oh, and this one time I got a free tiny wee sample of Lancôme's Trésor, and I made it last for three years. And then there was the Tommy Girl, like, decade.

I've never smelled Peony, so I will ignore that aspect of your question entirely and tell you about the perfumes I currently wear. (Amalah Stalker Wannabes, sharpen your pencils.)

Marc Jacobs. Yummy and properly expensive and since I love Marc's clothes and handbags so much I have brand loyalty to buy his perfume. (Which I'm sure he PERSONALLY created in his lab, spending hours and hours perfecting the balance of gardenia and musk. Marc! Marry me!) This perfume has flowery undertones with some spiciness. Or something. It smells pretty and makes Jason kiss my neck a lot. I would very much appreciate the Shimmer Body Powder, in case anyone was wondering what to buy me for no special reason.

Ralph by Ralph Lauren. This is my "casual" perfume. I cannot explain the distinction, but every woman needs at least one dressy fragrance and one casual fragrance. Although her decision to wear one instead of the other may have nothing to do with her wardrobe or her plans for the day. All women out there understand, I'm sure. This perfume is citrusy yet sweet and reminds me of the beach. It also gets my neck and cleavage area a lot of attention from Jason. Lucky bastard.

gah-gah-gah2

Got questions? Send them to advice@amalah.com and then wipe that fool milk mustache off your face.

Comments

Martha

Oh, oh -- I adore the Sebastian Potion Number 9. And yes, just as you said, put a small amount in your hands, rub hands together, and apply to hair. It's awesome for curly/wavy hair.

kathy

Just for the record I would buy a 'Queen of Everything' trucker hat. Really I would.

Kitty

Just for the record, I won't brake your kneecaps. You're too funny! (And you always have pretty shoes - how would you be able to walk in them?)
I stumbled onto Blogspot and since it was free and I have absolutely zero html knowledge, I figured it was fool-proof. I do envy your delicious looking site though, so maybe one day when I'm a pro at this stuff, I'll move over to TypePad. Till then, I'm stuck here with the crazies.

snowy

i would purchase Queen of Everything gear. but not hats of the trucker variety.

i'm just sayin'...

Elizabeth

Did you know you're are "supposed" to have 12 perfumes? 3 for each season. (Body temp/climate change, etc.) One casual, one evening, and one special occasion.

(Says the girl who only wears one, because it's Clive effin' Christian No. 1.)

Coleen

I really want Acqua di Gio for women, but I feel like I'm going to have to get plastic surgery to look like Victoria Gotti in order to wear it. So instead i have no fragrance. Ask Amy and Martha - I am one stinky natural-smelling mofo.

Dawnie

I used to be a Ralph girl, but then I discovered Sexy by BCBG. Now I am in love with that.

I only have one perfume. Having to decide what to wear *and* what perfume to wear? Dude. I'd never make it out of the house in the mornings.

Sara

Sunflowers. Holy crap. What about Navy or Red freaking Door? haaa...that brings back 5th grade memories. I totally had the casual and dressy fragrances down even at that age...I think it's just a known thing, right?

Heather

All about the casual and dressy perfumes. Casual is Fig and Apricot by Fresh, dressy is either Jo Malone French Lime Blossom or Shiseido...umm, can't think what it's called but it's in the brown bottle and is spicy and delicious. Also, shout out to Opium and Obsession circa 1987. Good times.

dazed

Big UP'S to MALIBU MUSK and HEAVEN SCENT!!!
If youre looking for pretty floral and casual'ish, try stila creme bouquet or jade blossom, they are my favorites as of now.

Shano

Sebastian Potion 9: A plastic coating for your hair. Apply a teeny tiny bit to ends and your hair will never get split ends. Is TRULY a miracle product.
~A Blogger Chick who is in no way offended by anti-Blogger statements.

gailey

I am a big fan of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue and Trish McAvoy #9.

Drakkar Noir totally brings me back. But not as bad as New West. I had the worst.sex.ever. with a guy who bathed on New West. my stomach still turns sour at the memory that smell evokes.

Bad Penguin

As someone who is getting ready to leave Blogger, I would say it was fine when I first started blogging, but I quickly outgrew it. After about a month, I wanted to do more than it would let me do.

And Blogger comments really do suck. I ditched them for Haloscan as soon as I figured out I could install something else.

Jen

Hey ... I resemble, ahem, I mean, resent that comment about Bloggers being crazy. I contemplated leaving Blogger for Typepad, but ultimately, the whole having to pay, even only a few bucks a month, was not conducive to my bank account situation. Blogger is just fine for starters. If you learn just a little about HTML, you can a do a lot of cool things with the cookie-cutter templates Blogger offers its users. It's all about the copying and pasting when it comes to HTML. Plus, blogging, excuse me, WEBlogging, should be about the content, not the bells and whistles.

Amalah

Hi, you know this column is a joke, right? Some of my best friends are Bloggers! On Blogspot! Non-crazies! IS JOKE PEOPLE!

(Sorry, today has just been The Day Amy Pissed Off The Internet, apparently, so I'm all prickly.)

Scarlett Cyn

Yeah. For instance... I'm not crazy! Even though I'm on Blogger and have -shudder, gasp!- a blogspot domain, which I hate, but I am still JOBLESS DAMMIT, so cannot "move on up" to TypePad.

I'm not crazy, just playful, and there is a difference, belive you me. Go on Amy, tell them I'm one of your bestest Blogger (asshat bastards but what to do??) friends... even though you don't loave me anymore and have dumped me like a broken stiletto. *Sniff, sob*, but I totally FORGIVE you cause you have shoe issues lately.

Speaking of which, does it make me an Amalah stalker if I tell you I thought of you when I saw a t-shirt that was oh-so-cute that read "WILL WORK FOR SHOES"?? I shit you not.

mrsatroxi

While we're going on about this, shouldn't it be World Wide Web Log? :)

Sorry, sorry, is also joke. Don't beat me.

I really enjoy this site! (See, I was careful to say site, not blog......oh, never mind.)

Molly

How do you feel about the word 'Blogosphere'? I can't say it with a straight face. I haven't a clue what Moveable Type even is, but I like to talk about things that smell pretty! I love the Jo Malone and Index by Fresh perfumes (like Heather - my current fave is Red Currant Basil), and also love Creed Tuberose. I dream about having a scent created for me, a la Audrey and Grace.

Now Martha and Miss Amalah - tell me more about this Sebastion hair stuff - will it make my hair shiny and un-frizzy? You've seen what I'm working with...

Real Girl

Fragrance! Such a personal topic! In fact, too personal for my beauty web log (so long to type! fingers tired!). It helps with blogspot to know an HTML pro who can add pretty things to your sidebar, template be damned.

Anyway, *clearly* there's a day and night perfume! Day for me is the vanilla-y Stila Creme Bouquet (nice to see another Bouquet-er here) and night is Gucci Rush. I can't believe no one has mentioned Gucci Rush! It's the sexiest, sexiest scent ever.

Janna

Am I just super-old, or does no one have fond memories of Polo? I remember buying it just to smell it whenever I wanted to - not even wear it.

Chris

Coco Chanel, today, tomorrow, forever. Evenings only though. During the day, well I'm just lucky enough to lather up..who has time for perfume.

Hey Amalah, if you make the trucker hat, think you could throw in a free monogram on my Ugg boots?

tee hee hee

Blogspot is for crazies? Woo hoo! Finally I fit in somewhere!

Bozoette Mary

I personally prefer the delicate scent of regular unleaded overtop a hint of Dove soap.

Casey

Well, now I'm going to go stick my Blogger-using, Verve' scented head in a wood chipper.

I keed, I keed...

Lauren Noelle

For MY record, Google Ads isn't selling out. I defend it, because I made $50 last month. My revenue keeps getting better. I fully intend to pay nothing for my hosting bill ever again. So.. Amalah, no worries about your bandwidth! It's really spot-on these days, and of course gets better with high hits, if you want to get one.

My favorite scent is BY FAR "Serenity" aromatherepy (cedar wood & clary oils) body mist from Bath & Body works. It's glamorous enough for night. When I first smelled it, I fell in love. It's seriously what should be worn on red hot dates.

Then I like my pearberry and raspberry for regular occasions.

And if I'm feeling just so--I like to sell out to the NAME of the Strawberry Shortcake scent. It's like fake-wannabe-actually-alcohol-like strawberry. But it's STRAWBERRRY SHORTCAKE! (The cartoon.) That was the best smell (my toys) when I was a kid. This was the best I could do.

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