Amy Still Is Taking A Break, She Just Had To Tell You This One Thing Real Quickly Like

Do Not Fuck With the Un-Pregnant Women

I'm still too busy to post. But I'm not too busy to spend much of the day correspondin' with my bitches. And...bitching with them. About everything, because the entire world SUCKS for us and wah wah wah we hate everything.

Anyway, I'm really tired of looking at that short post with the stupidly long title, so I'm doing the laziest thing ever and posting a bunch of goddamn emails, which are only vaguely funny but mostly not, but y'all should just be happy that I'm not flooding YOUR inbox with this garbage.

(Except for the NotifyList email about this garbage. Sorry about that. Luckily you probably will never, ever receive it because NotifyList hates me.)


(Location, Zoot's site, in a follow-up post regarding her recent tragedy that has not interfered with her ability to do good hair, where Amy left the following un-helpful comment regarding some possible coping strategies.)


You could also come to my house where we could weep bitter bitchy tears together and throw things.

Or watch movies and get manicures. Either one.


Well - two nights ago? Amidst profanity and tears? I spent a good three or four hours bitching about anyone in my life I could think of that might have harmed me in one way or another. Were you five minutes late for my dinner party? I hate you - you stupid whore. Did you break one of my dishes? Go to hell, jackass. Did you go slower than me on the highway? Death to you and your family. I was bitchy, ruthless, and incredibly catty. It was incredibly therapeutic and I'm SO happy I have a husband who doesnt hold those tirades against me.

So - how about you come over next time and we'll bring the blog world into my world of snotty bitching?


It's a date. Hell, I can bitch about people who've done me wrong even without a life tragedy to blame. Mostly because I hate most people. But that's the beauty of the Internet: you have a place to bitch about people you hate AND a place to meet more people to bitch about.

Also, my period is 21 hours late, but I've been cramping for three days. Think it's about time I went to the store for a pee stick to properly dash my unrealistic and foolhardy dreams?


I am personally denouncing ALL pregnancy tests from here on out. They are evil inventions designed to get my hopes up and destroy all home in a matter of 120 seconds. And I don't need to pay nine dollars for that. So I say, keep your pee in the toilet and keep hoping. If in 5 months you feel a kick inside your abdomen? You're pregnant.

(And you waited 21 hours? I start taking tests FIVE DAYS before my period is supposed to be here.)


See, the reason I'm not all, OMIGOD I MUST PEE ON A STICK THIS INSTANT this month (which is a first), is because I've taken the stance of the realist. Let's review the facts, jack: I'm not on Clomid or anything. (Because I'm scared to death of it after how INSANE it made me before.) I've had one regular period since I went off it. Um, woo? And considering how stressed out and upset I've been this month, I'm fairly certain my cycle has just gone all wonky again so really, "late" is a relative word for something that will probably wait another 3 months to start, just to piss me the fuck off.

Also, I don't think we had nearly enough sex, because I'm getting really, really tired of sex.


Thank you GOD. I'm glad I'm not the only one. For those three days we were pregnant (those were the good ole days) this week? MrZ was all "Oh, damn, I was enjoying trying" and I was "Shut the hell up. I need a break. Sex sucks."

Oh - and we have a "consultation" next week to, and this is a direct quote, "come up with a plan of action against your body". Um. Okay?


The hell? Please tell your doctor that your body is not the enemy here. It's everybody else in the whole world's fault that you miscarried. Stupid doctor.

It's inauguration day here in DC, and planes and helicopters keep flying over my office, and they're pissing me off because I've been watching too much 24 and am convinced that I am going to get blown up by terrorists.

It's been a very long and emotional 21 hours. Wait! 22 hours! Happy Birthday Phantom Pregnancy!!


Emotional? Thats a sign of pregnancy!!! Raging emotions!!!

Yeah. I know. But I do it day 24 - day 30 every month...totally look at any and all symptoms as possible signs of pregnancy.

If you see Jack Bauer, tell him to call me.


Oh, I see sure-fire pregnancy signs all the time. I'm fatigued! I'm emotional! My boobs are sore! I'm craving junk food! I'm gassy!

One time I thought I was pregnant DURING my period because it seemed lighter than usual. Am stupid.

And if these emails didn't make us both sound like hysterical bitchy harpies, they'd make a GREAT entry.


Because unfortunately by "hysterical" you don't mean "HI-LARIOUS", you mean "IN-SANE". Of course, like we're really fooling anyone into believing otherwise, right?

I have been listening to a Top 40 radio station (shut the HELL UP Kelly Clarkson, I take back all my votes for you because I'm over you already) all day trying to win a family fun pack for "Racing Stripes". A movie my son doesn't even WANT to see but HAS to see because his conservative friend's moms think "Are We There Yet" is too risque. My life has hit an all new low.


Hee. HEEEEEE. If you go to that movie I just might never stop making fun of you.

(Ducks from inevitable karmic anvil that will drop when I become I parent and have to take my child to a movie about a band of talking office supplies who travel across the country to compete in the National Spelling Bee with Fran Drescher as the voice of Sharpie, the electric pencil sharpener with attitude.)


I think we are Hysterically Insane Unpregnant Women, by the way.

Twice the crazy, Twice the funny, with none of the embryos.



Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Damn, I wish things were picture-perfect for you and Miss Zoot, but on the other hand, you're so damn funny when they're not.


God. I wish I was in on that e-mail loop. That is some serious shit and, hello? Y'all are friggin' brilliant. I cannot EVEN lurk when you update anymore.


oh, yeah, and the whole pee-stick thing? Classic.


Oh. My.

So many comments come to mind, that I can't even remember a single one.

Damn, that's funny.

suzanna danna

love you both... love.


hee! love the snarkiness of the unpreg. but when you both DO get pregnant? it cannot stop. evah.


Da-yam. You both are funny separately but together? Hysterical. In that funny way.


Good god two are a riot. I sincerely hope you both get preggers together...We will all sooooooo enjoy that!!!


Mwahaha. The un-pregnant women are HILARIOUS in the face of total shittiness. Y'all rock.

Sorry to hear you're still buried under tons of work/life crap. I hope things get better soon. Many hugs to you and Zoot.


That was like a fucked up, snark-modern reversal of The Yellow Wallpaper. Awesome.


too fucking funny...


Dang - wish I could find something to bitch about and have you all along for the fun!


There is love. Love for both of you. From whom? Me.

Loved it.

Anne A.

Aw, hahaha! That had me rolling at the end there... you girls are too funny!


Ok, I'm very glad I'm not the only one tapping my chestal region on day 22 and going, did that hurt? I think it hurt. It's tender! And I have an insatiable craving for bread, cheese and beer... which is pretty much my constant diet anyway, but WHATEVER, it's a craving. And, so, there must be a BABY in there somewhere. Which, of course, there isn't. And we've only been "trying" for a few months. What the hell happens in a year??? All of which rambling is to say THANK YOU and Ms Zoot for writing about your collective hysteria, which made me feel somewhat less hysterical my own self.

Miss W

Y'all are some crazy bitches ;) I love you!

Lisa B


I have a 2 1/2 year old. You can have him if you want him. He's strong willed and hates to sleep but is really cute. He's blonde and blue-eyed so he could easily pass for yours. He'll stick his fingers in your nose as you drift off to sleep, have break-downs in Target and terrorize your pets. He really loves to talk about "weiners" and "who-hoo's" in a very loud voice in public places. Oh the fun you all could have.

Actually, we had some problems and scares too before and while I was pregnant with him. And when he's driving me crazy, I think of those times when I angished over whether I'd ever have a baby. And instead of screaming, I hug him. I think of that sort of thing alot because he's very high maintenance and we now spend alot of time with an occupational and speech therapist just to get him to where he should be. (And it ain't cheap!)

Personally, I think if the whole pregnancy thing would have been easy I might resent him for not being like the other 2 1/2-year-olds in his playgroup. (They all play together, talk clearly, can answer questions, sing songs and connect with the other moms as well as the other kids. These are things I am aching for my son to do.) But I'm just so happy to have him, I am able to accept him as he is and am willing to do whatever work it takes to help him.

I'm just saying that once you do have that baby, you will remember the struggle and be a wonderful, and more patient mommy for it.


Oh, I totally get the stress put upon you in your job. Eeek. The embryo is waiting for when work calms the hell down. You and Zoot are going to get your wishes ... and probably at the same time ... to keep up this comedy goodness that you are kind enough to share with us. ;) Hang in there, doll!


Y'all are so funny ... I am glad you can see the humor in the pain. I hope things get better for you both. And not to add to your stress, but I joined the notify list and did not get notified. So, I guess the notify list hates me, too.


Wow, you know, before I wasn't completely convinced that you were insane. But not to worry, you have remedied that situation.


I don't know you at all, but I really am sorry, Amy. I don't honestly know how much it helps to hear these things from random people on the internet... but having your site to entertain me during some pretty dark times this past fall... well, it was really comforting. So maybe it does help to comment, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'm not pregnant nor am I trying, but I do know what it's like to want something and to fight with everything you have... only for the dream not to come true. Not to sound flip, but it sucks. Beyond sucks.

I won't tell you to keep your chin up, and I won't tell you that it's going to happen for you... because I don't know that. But I will tell you that I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope that it happens for you soon.


"Her recent tragedy that has not interfered with her ability to do good hair."

HEEEEEELARIOUS. I LOVE THAT LINE! A Zeeelion bonus points for you. I HEART Steel Magnolias.

You can also be catty at my house.


I wish I exchanged witty repartee with MY friends during the day. Instead we just drink.

Hmmmm - oh well. Thanks for sharing your emails!


All my emails say my penis is to small. I think I am getting jipped, either way.


"electric pencil sharpener with attitude"

That would totally be Fran Drescher's opus, and you know it would. It's brilliant. I say screw the book your writing and start on that script! The world NEEDS an office-supply comedy!


You gals kill me. Don't stop!


Hang in there girls! I don't personally know what you are both going through, but we're here when you need to vent - which, by the way, is always hilarious.
Just remember that making a baby can take a while, so try not to get frustrated. Again, I know that's easier said than done, but I'm a firm believer that positive thoughts help you in the long run. :)

Baby dust to both of you! *~*~****~~*~*~*~***~~


Ok even *I* want to slap kitty.


Argg...NotifyList sucks balls. Amalah, I thought of a good way to release some of the pain and frustration. Wanna exact some revenge on NotifyList with me? Come on, let's blow those bitches up.


Dayum. You girls are too funny.

Sarcastic Journalist

I can't wait to see the pregnant emails because that hormonal shit will be funny.

And me? I convinced myself I was pregnant even though I haven't had a period since the baby was born.

I have the blood test to prove it.


If I was to curse like everyone did here, my mom would wash my mouth out with two bars of Irish Spring, which is not a good thing, because it does not taste so good, as I know, but it is better than Ivory!

I hope you and Zoot get Pregnant and have some babies soon, but not this weekend!


Yeah, just got the NotifyList e-mail. They're a little behind.


with apologies to Steve Martin ...

I was notified! I was notified! I am somebody now!


My favorite part of this post (which, BTW, you have MUCH more entertaining emails than I)? THE STEEL MAGNOLIAS REFERENCE!! Oh, how I do adore anyone who will quote Steel Mags with me!


hey! i've done those too - the "ooh, my boobs hurt, i guess i'm pregnant!"..."hey, my pants are tighter, it must be because i'm pregnant and NOT that i've gained 5 random pounds from eating bread"..."so WHAT i've got my period? i'm probably one of those girls who still has one period during the beginning of the pregnancy and get surprised later with only 7 months to plan instead of 8!"



what am i doing here?


Miss. . . .Amamlah. . .must have. . .some Amalah . . .garrrrrrrrr. . .


Amamlah? See I can't even type right anymore.

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