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December 2004
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February 2005

Vagueration

So. Hi! I am dedicated to posting today. I will post today. What the hell am I supposed to post today? Those of you who know me in real-life (and some of you who know me in semi-real-life) are aware that the shit? It be going down. All sorts of shit going down. There is some news and then there is some NEWS and then there is WORK and there is LIFE and there is STRESS STRESS STRESS. And then there is me, writing repetitively worded sentences that make no sense because none of this shit going down is suitable for our Internet broadcast. I have never, ever wanted a completely anonymous blog/journal SO BADLY than right now. There. That's all I can tell you. So what the hell am I supposed to post today? Man. I wish I wasn't too snotty for memes. Or that I trusted you lunatics... Read more →


Peachy

The worst hiatus ever continues! One Saturday morning, many, many Saturday mornings ago, a little girl was eating her Cheerios and watching her cartoons. It was her birthday, but no one was awake yet because no one else cared about watching animated Pound Puppies solve mysteries at 8 a.m. on a weekend. But then, without warning, a bright pink box appeared in front of the little girl. It was a Barbie, and it was the most beautiful Barbie in the entire motherfucking world. It was Peaches 'n Cream Barbie, who was as pretty as a peach blossom and who came with a GLAMOROUS CHANGE-AROUND STOLE that you could style all sorts of interesting ways, including as a very slutty dress if you used it by itself. There was also a little Vanna White wheel with stole styles on one side and hot date destinations on the other (i.e. dinner, movie,... Read more →


Do Not Fuck With the Un-Pregnant Women

I'm still too busy to post. But I'm not too busy to spend much of the day correspondin' with my bitches. And...bitching with them. About everything, because the entire world SUCKS for us and wah wah wah we hate everything. Anyway, I'm really tired of looking at that short post with the stupidly long title, so I'm doing the laziest thing ever and posting a bunch of goddamn emails, which are only vaguely funny but mostly not, but y'all should just be happy that I'm not flooding YOUR inbox with this garbage. (Except for the NotifyList email about this garbage. Sorry about that. Luckily you probably will never, ever receive it because NotifyList hates me.) AMY & ZOOT ARE LOSING THEIR SHIT: A BALLET IN THREE ACTS (Location, Zoot's site, in a follow-up post regarding her recent tragedy that has not interfered with her ability to do good hair, where... Read more →


Amy Still Is Taking A Break, She Just Had To Tell You This One Thing Real Quickly Like

EDIT! ORIAL! ASSIST! ANT! BITCH! ES! A lovely and talented and desperately-needed candidate accepted our offer this morning. I would weep for joy but I'm all cried out. Of course, it's too late for her to be any help with my current googamungous to-do list, but it's light at the end of the tunnel and blaaaaah. Still, she better not suck, and she better be all CHOP CHOP with the learning curve. Am pre-emptively bitter. (Okay, apparently I am NOT all cried out, as I was just reviewing my schedule with another coworker and very nearly started to weep and shake with the sheer OVERWHELMINGNESS of it all.) I now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus. Read more →


Fra-gee-lay

Hey y'all, So listen. The work thing. Is priority. (So is teaching myself the art of the compound non-fragment sentence.) I've put this off for as long as I can but I simply must take a (short, temporary, wee, please come back) break from updating. I'm super-extra-beyond stressed right now, and while I'm usually stubborn as hell about how writing here is my essential relaxation technique and all, that just hasn't been true lately. Our heat is only sort-of working, we have two monstrous holes in our bedroom wall, Ceiba is keeping me up all night during remedial potty training, I'm working 10-hour days on 20 minutes of sleep, my dad is having another health crisis, I'm still not pregnant and I've realized that the main character in my book is a selfish, hateful little brat. (The main character is me.) As a result, I'm kind of going insane from... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SPECIAL THURSDAY SLACKER EDITION Blah blah blah witty introduction to the concept here plus life updates (HINT: BUSY AND COLD AND SOME HEATING FIXER GUY LEFT A SCARY FLANNEL SHIRT IN MY CLOSET YESTERDAY AND ALSO I GAVE CEIBA A BATH AT 3:30 A.M. LAST NIGHT AND I ADVISE YOU NOT TO ASK ABOUT IT.) Anyway, there is no time for any of that today! No time at all! Go directly to the advice! Do not pass go! Do not listen to a SINGLE HYSTERICAL WORD that I am typing today! Dearest Amalah, I have fine, stick straight, doesn't hold a curl hair. I am currently growing out my bangs. Growing out your bangs when you have fine straight hair, quite honestly sucks. I can't master the side swept bangs, I'm thinking because I had really thick baby bangs. I look awful with longish thick bangs, because of the chubby... Read more →


Tantrummy

OH MY GOD Y'ALL. You know how I like to whine about how busy I am at work? And that I have SO MUCH to do and wah wah wah and feel sorry for me because I'm going die? And you know how usually I'm full of shit? Well, I'm not this time. I mean it. I am going to die. The cause of death will be stress and many tiny, tiny paper cuts. And possibly frostbite from the whole no-heat-in-the-condo bullshit, which made me very late for work this morning (don't ask), which seriously cut into my valuable freak-out time. I have so much to do before February 1st that I've hit that deer-in-the-headlights point of panic where all I can do is stare stupidly at my to-do list and move stacks of paper around my desk, as if I'm magically going to find 17 spare special reports and... Read more →


This Post Has Three Titles Already, So I'm Not Typing One Here

Ok, I have a really funny story to tell you, but also many other boring things. So I've divided this ADD-like entry into chapters for easy reference as to What The Hell Amy Is Talking About Now. THE PART ABOUT THE SCARF Look at my scarf! That is all mine! It is a Type A Original, already the hottest thing in crocheted couture this winter. You should totally go buy one of your very own, because it's soft and pretty and I was stopped in the PARKING GARAGE by a stranger this morning who loved it so much I was a little afraid she might rip it off my neck and run away with it.* *That probably won't happen to you, so don't let it stop you from contacting Kristie and sending her money. And no, this is not a coincidence. I may have a problem. AND NOW, A WALL... Read more →


In Which I Please Everybody Except People Who Want Actual Intelligent Writing

In response to the many De-Lurking Day requests, I present a photo essay about the pets, the shoes, and the drunk. Also cows. First up, just to make everyone happy... (I took these all last night, when both pets were feeling especially squirmy and blurry and did not feel like being photographed. But I tried. FOR YOU.) Next up, the drunk. New Year's Eve drunk! This is Jen. And me. At Jen's house, which was where the party be at, bitches. We have only had three, maybe four glasses of champagne by now, tops. This is Jason. And Mike, who is engaged to Jen, whose house it was, where the party, it be at. You can SEE Jen trying to lean away from my terrifyingly large flower pin. She's all, "Put down the camera and HELP ME." Do not ask me how I got my hair to do whatever it... Read more →


Re-Lurk! Re-Lurk!

I have nothing to say, but I must post SOMETHING and put an end to the De-Lurking Day madness. Madness! My plan was to email all of my brave little lurkers and say hi and thanks for commenting and see? Don't you want emails and validation from me? Don't you want to comment more often? It was a great plan, until the comments hit 140 and still. Would. Not. Stop. I've emailed like, 20, and then those 20 people replied and said something funny and I just had to write back again, because yay, new people to waste the day away with and also, I am not a snotty bitch, regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids. So I will keep trying with the emails, just like I am still trying to finish the prizes for the Focking Swag contest from like, a month ago. But the... Read more →