This Post Has Three Titles Already, So I'm Not Typing One Here
January 11, 2005
Ok, I have a really funny story to tell you, but also many other boring things. So I've divided this ADD-like entry into chapters for easy reference as to What The Hell Amy Is Talking About Now.
THE PART ABOUT THE SCARF
Look at my scarf! That is all mine! It is a Type A Original, already the hottest thing in crocheted couture this winter. You should totally go buy one of your very own, because it's soft and pretty and I was stopped in the PARKING GARAGE by a stranger this morning who loved it so much I was a little afraid she might rip it off my neck and run away with it.*
*That probably won't happen to you, so don't let it stop you from contacting Kristie and sending her money.
And no, this is not a coincidence. I may have a problem.
AND NOW, A WALL INTERLUDE
And I am so glad I have my warm, wooly scarf, because I STILL HAVE NO HEAT IN MY HOUSE.
I do, however, have a big motherfucking hole in my wall.
I meant to take a picture with me holding Ceiba up to the hole because she is our universal measuring unit now. (As in, "Wow, that jumbo roll of paper towels is about a Ceiba-and-a-half," or "As long as that mole on your head stays smaller than Ceiba, I wouldn't worry about it.") But I was afraid to put her anywhere close to that hole because it is about three times the size of the wee pup and is gaping and sticky and makes weird clanging noises periodically.
I am very scared of this hole.
On the plus side, I can totally see my closet through the extra bonus hole in the ceiling, which is very convenient for picking out outfits from downstairs.
Wait. I said I had a story for you, didn't I? That was supposed to be the point of this entry? Wait, what's that over there? Jangly keys! Shiny!
ADVENTURES IN STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY
Right. This is my friend Thea. The Washingtonian put her on their cover a couple years ago because she is adorable. And because she works for a restaurant called, adorably, 2 Amys, which is my favorite place ever. Look at that pizza! Look at those authentic Neopolitan toppings! Look at that wine list (not pictured)!
Anyway, she's totally famous. But the last time we ate at 2 Amys (which was...probably about 48 hours ago), Thea told us that a relative saw her picture in a magazine. Another magazine. From like, South Carolina or something. And like most people do when their relatives start talking like this, Thea assumed they were insane.
They were not insane. Her photo had been reprinted for an advertisement. The pizza had been replaced by a plate full of not-so-appetizing-looking barbecue.
"On PAPER PLATES." This offends her.
"SUE THEIR ASSES." I told her. "That's like, SLANDER."
It turns out, Thea's picture is now royalty-free stock photography. For $299.99, you too may Photoshop your inferior product into her adorable arms. Or you may buy it on CD for $499.99.
Does she get any of these mad dollahs? Does she get any say in what horrific things will get piled on those plates? Does she have any recourse if The Onion uses her photo for biting social satire on the eating habits of Middle America? Does she have a snappy comeback ready in case someone on the street goes, "Hey! You're that girl from the acid reflux ad!"?
No, she does not. Well, except for that last one. She's pretty snappy.
I am not pleased, yet also, deeply amused.