January 06, 2005
I have nothing to say, but I must post SOMETHING and put an end to the De-Lurking Day madness. Madness!
My plan was to email all of my brave little lurkers and say hi and thanks for commenting and see? Don't you want emails and validation from me? Don't you want to comment more often?
It was a great plan, until the comments hit 140 and still. Would. Not. Stop. I've emailed like, 20, and then those 20 people replied and said something funny and I just had to write back again, because yay, new people to waste the day away with and also, I am not a snotty bitch, regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids.
So I will keep trying with the emails, just like I am still trying to finish the prizes for the Focking Swag contest from like, a month ago. But the prize is going to be so focking awesome it will be worth the wait, I swear. Remember how in High Fidelity John Cusack's character was reorganizing his record collection and his friend asked if he was doing alphabetical or chronological and John Cusack was all, "No, AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL." And then his friend was all, "Whoa." Remember that?
Anyway, I'm making an AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL mix CD for the year 2004 that will mostly make sense to me and like, the four people I know in real life who crossed me this year and will get ripped a new one in song form. It's Passive-Aggressive Mixtapeology, and it's going to be awesome. Focking awesome!
(Also, did anyone used to watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show? Remember that one time she made up a song about the Kotex Multi-Pack of tampons? That song is stuck in my head and WILL NOT STOP. I am really, really frightened about the things my brain absorbs and chooses to maintain. Especially since I cannot remember where I parked my car today.)
(That song will NOT be on amalah: the album though.)
(And I don't REALLY remember all the words to the song, but just have an image of Rosie O'Donnell holding a box of tampons singing "Multi-Pack! It's the Multi-Pack! It's the greatest idea Kotex ever had!" And it replays over and over again, along with her telling the audience that she "gets no money from the Kotex people." )
In other words, please kill me.
So even though I am clearly losing my fool mind, I'm glad all of y'all decided to de-lurk and say hi and say nice things about me and my life choices, except for one person who called Ceiba a food product (which is true...she does resemble some kind of smoked sausage snack that would taste really good on a RItz cracker), and one person who insulted the Uggs (YES, I KNOW. They are ugly and over. The Manolo, he does not approve. But they are COMFY and half of the people in my neighborhood are still wearing Christmas sweaters with JINGLE BELLS on them so who the fuck do I need to impress?). The rest of you were lovely and well-behaved and delightfully kiss-assy.
In fact, I was even able to do some market research with your comments and find out ways to make amalah.com a better reading experience for us all. Here's what you and your fellow lurkers had to say about the site, in super-scientific Gallup poll results.
The amalah.com De-Lurking Day Instapoll
99% think I am awesome
76% think Ceiba is awesome
34% think Ceiba sucks and Max is totally the awesomest
24% think no, shut up, Ceiba is the awesomest
85% want me to update more
15% want me to update a lot more
50% want more pet photos
49% want less pet photos, more shoe photos
1% really, REALLY want more shoe photos, preferably stilettos, or possibly Keds without socks, and also some toe cleavage
100% still did not get the Notify message about yesterday's post
17% want to work for me remotely, which no, that will not work, stop asking
2% want to sell me DISScouNT herBAl ViAGra
34% used a replacement for the word "fuck" (including fock, feck and frick), and seriously people, there's no need for that kind of fucking fake language here
40% want more drunk posts
0.2% want me to take better care of myself
6% know me in real life
4% would so write a tell-all book about me so email them!!
3% are my coworkers
1% are my boss
0% have a new job to offer me after I get fired