A Big Huge Wave of Guiltification
Re-Lurk! Re-Lurk!

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OK, enough with all the social awareness and global perspective crap. Let's get back to the brattiness and the whining.

But first...


Today is De-lurking Day, the brainchild of the fabulous Sheryl of Paper Napkin, who orders you to stop lurking and leave a damn comment already. And believe me, you don't want to cross Sheryl.

And for real: I check my stats. I know y'all are out there. Many, many, many of you who are apparently really bored at work. You just aren't commenting like all the cool kids. So please, step up and introduce yo'selves today. I won't bite and promise to only make fun of you if you say something really, really stupid or insult my shoes. Or my dog. Or anything I have ever done or said in my entire life. That's my job, bitches.

You know what also is my job? Quality fake advice. It's a job I've neglected over the past few weeks, but now I am proud to announce the triumphant return of the most popularest feature here at amalah.com (judging by traffic, not comments, because y'all are COMMENT PUSSIES), THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! Woo! Yay! Whatever!

Dear Amalah,

I have been interviewing editorial assistants for like, eight years now and still have not hired one. Candidate #452 turned down my job offer yesterday. Why? WHY? What's wrong with me? Why does no one want to assist to my editorial needs?


P.S. I like your shoes.

So Candidate #452 turned out to have been spectacularly overpaid at her previous job and was apparently shocked at what entry level editorial jobs pay. (Even though our offer was SUBSTANTIALLY more than what I was paid when I held that position, so CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.) So she said no thanks and I'm back staring at the saddest pile of resumes ever.

(EMPLOYMENT TIP: If you would like to obtain employment in the exciting world of publishing, try 1) spelling the company's name correctly, 2) not spilling food on your resume, 3) not talking about your time and experience in "costumer service" or as a "profreader," or 4) not submitting frightening articles about how Marilyn Manson is the greatest rock star ever as your writing sample.)

So I have no assistant. And January is shaping up to be the most horrific month ever. Starting...NOW.

(This is my really long and roundabout way of saying that the Advice Smackdown questions will be posted one at a time throughout the day whenever I get a spare moment to type out some hackneyed garbage.)


(Talk amongst yourselves.)

Dear Amalah,

After a glorious session of Tuesday Afternoon Drinking Club involving hot whiskey at the bar in the Four Seasons, I accidentally accepted a holiday temp position with a company I despise.

Since I'm about to sell my book and become a famous writer, I want to tell them I'm not working and to go pound sand.  However, there's a chance I'm deluded and my book won't sell and I won't ever get another temp job if I suggest the sand business.

I want to have a good holiday where I don't hurt innocent bystanders with office machinery because of displaced anger at my own poor decision to answer the phone while loaded.

So, what should I do?


So I had this whole response written before I realized that this question came with a bit of an expiration date. Which I missed, possibly because I've been drunk since like, December 14th.

Jen probably doesn't need my advice about this problem anymore, which is a shame, because my original response was pretty funny. Or maybe I'm lying and there wasn't an original response at all, because I KNEW I'd missed my window on this question but am posting it anyway because I'm lazy.

And whatever, the Delurking Day comments are coming in fast and furious so I could really just sit here and type stuff like aklfljdhf aorueljf, Kdu87! and this post would still get a bazillion comments telling me how awesome I am.

That's probably the actual truth. But now I feel guilty for lying to y'all and impugning on the Sanctity of the Smackdown. So Jen? Turn down the temp job and come work for me. We'll get drunk and write best-sellers together.

Dear Amalahlahlah,

The good news is that I am currently losing weight. Yay for me.  The bad news is that I am losing NONE of my gigundous chest.  Yes, this sounds great. But if all goes well, I will still have the problem of large boobs.

Yes, I said problem, and I'm not kidding.

See, all dresses are made for women who are slender and willowy.  They are. Trust me.  And I hate wearing dresses that make me look like a streetwalker.  At the same time, if I wear a normal dress, I look like I've lost no weight, and well, I basically need advice on what kind of dress to get.  I know v-necks, I know prints, and trust me, wrap-arounds are NOT an option (very streetwalker-ish).

But I would like to be pretty when I am going to my best friend's wedding this new year's.  And now I'll need a new dress.  Which creates the worst event known to man: Alektra Dress Shopping.

Please, if you can find out from someone, because you are willowy and feminine and beautiful and know not of this sort of distress of looking like a German hausfrau, it would be greatly appreciated.



P.S. - The drive chain on my Subaru, how often should I get that checked?

So I sent your question over to a couple friends of mine this morning, both with the introduction that I was only asking them because I have no boobs and they have glorious boobs and I'm NOT calling them German hausfraus because on them the big boobs TOTALLY WORK and in fact, I'm not asking them to give dress advice from personal experience AT ALL, because they are so gorgeous and perfectly proportioned but maybe they know someone who has a boobage problem and on second thought forget I even sent this.

One of them just replied: The wedding was on New Year's? Because in that case, I'm guessing she already got a dress.


Okay, I promise to never take two weeks off again, because I let everybody down and I'm left with all these old questions stinking up the place like expired milk.

Anyway. My friend is a big fan of the shirred (or ruched) V-neck dress. The V-neck is cleavtastic, and the slight gathering will accentuate your weight loss and make you look all hour-glassy. Nicole Miller makes several pretty basic dresses like that. She also recommends the flowy, pretty things over at Max Studio -- any of their silky embroidered tops paired with a kicky skirt with an asymmetrical hem will increase the willowy factor.

(I did not just type "kicky skirt." I DID NOT.)

Now I must go shopping for dresses, even though I have no parties or weddings to go to for months. But look! So kicky!

Also, get your drive chain checked every 30,000 miles.


So what does one wear to a strip club?  I believe that next weekend I will be visiting one with my husband, his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend and I am not sure what would be appropriate attire.  No, this isn’t my first visit to a male or female strip club, but it is the first time with my new husband and for that reason it just seems different.  Okay so should I wear my short black skirt and sexy lingerie type top or should I play things down and wear jeans?  I am just not altogether sure what would be appropriate.  So please all-knowing one.. What should I wear??


Wear the jeans WITH the sexy lingerie top. That's an outfit that says: "Yes, I am sexy and confident enough to wear underwear-like apparel in public, but yet I am not a whore in a g-string."

(Now this is the part of the post where I would like my mother to stop reading.)

The only strip club I went to was in Canada. I was on a business trip. I was also drunk and just beginning to feel the effects of the food poisoning I contacted at the airport. So clearly, I was out of my mind when my coworkers suggested we go to an establishment called "Bare Fax" and I was all, "Sure!"

It could have also been because the whole thing was sort of my idea to begin with.

Anyway. I do not remember what I was wearing at all. I do recall being overdressed, in more ways than one. I also remember meeting one stripper who had the softest skin I have ever felt and I asked her what kind of moisturizer she used and she told me but I immediately forgot. This may have been during a lap dance that someone else bought for me.

(I forget why I started telling this story. Hopefully y'all are so preoccupied with the de-lurking that nobody is reading this far.)

Anyway, right after the hypothetical lap dance the food poisoning kicked in and I started throwing up in the club's restroom (which was unisex) and basically didn't stop until my plane home.

So yes. Lingerie top and jeans. Bring a jacket, lots of ones and some antibacterial hand gel. Stay away from airport chicken the day of your visit, and for the love of God, try to find out what kind of moisturizers the strippers use, because that has been BUGGING me ever since.

Got a question? Now that you've de-lurked and commented, I just know you want to ask your old pal Amy for advice, right? Right. Send all your problems to advice@amalah.com and maybe I'll use it next week and you can comment again and say something like, "Hey! That's my question!" And all the other commenters will be like, SO JEALOUS because you are so cool.

Or don't. Whatever.



I still read everyday - even though I dont comment. I believe its for the same reason I told beth and chris - your commenters are way funnier than I am. I'm intimidated into silence.

Happy de-lurking day, Amalah. I love your site and I love your writing. But more importantly? I love your dog.


Happy De-Lurking day to everyone...I come here...I read.. and I don't contribute a thing 'cause Im selfish that way.....now you all know my dirty little secret.


Okay, I think I've commented once, but I AM bored at work, and I do check the site a zillion times a day.

I could be your editorial assistant. I appreciate fine footwear. I'd just have to work remote from, like, 400 miles away. You can handle that, right?


Maybe you could hire Mir?

Ok, I live in a fantasy world, but it would be cool.

Happy De-Lurking day! :)


Hi Amy, I'm a lurker and I...

What's that? Oh, are they different? Okay, then.

Actually, I'm not a lurker. I'm a stalker. My mistake. Anyway... HI!

Know what would be really cool? A picture of your dog IN your shoes. For she is so wee and squee and everything.


I'm with zoot. I don't comment because everyone else is way funnier than I am.

Love reading though!


Longtime lurker...I check your site daily and become very sad when you don't update...or when you do update and it's a sad one. See why I don't comment often? I say stuff like that.


I have commented once or twice but I am definately not one of the cool kids (which this comment will certainly show)...so in an effort to not look like a geek I refrain from typing something completely dorky. It's bad enough to say something that will make one look like a dork, but to put it in writing where it can be referenced later? Gah! :0)


Hee, dog in shoes. My cat still hasn't forgiven me for the mini-sombrero I made her wear.


I am pretty sure I have commented before, but if not, hello! I enjoy reading your site, always cracks me up!


As a fellow Amy Beth, I was delighted to discover your blog a couple weeks ago. Keep on rockin' in the free world, yo.


Delurking! I actually am a (kickass) editorial assistant, and I would love to work with you, beautiful Amalah of the Cute Shoes, but alas, I live approx. 3,000 miles away from you. If I am ever in your neighborhood, I promise I will make my services available to you. (Trust me, I am very familiar with standard pay in this position/field. And I'm obedient: You tell me to delurk, and I do it, see?)


Hello my name is Sofia and I'm a professional lurker :)


my name is girlwonder and i too am a lurker.


I check your website every day (and DC Foodies too) but don't comment because I'm not as funny as the cool kids :-) I am instead content to bask in the coolness that is Amalah and her commenting posse.

laura floyd

I'm a lurker on -every- site I read, and now thanks to this de-lurking day this is my -fourth- post of the day! This is unprecedented. But it is good to stop being lazy or shy or whatever it is that I am and tell you how much I enjoy your site. It's great, and so are you. Thanks for posting your writing and for making me laugh.


Delurking because Amalah told me to. I'm nothing if not obedient.


I'm here!! I check you out everyday , and may I say, you look marvelous!

Those shoes! That hair! The cute precious wee dog!

All make me jealous. I already have your name, maybe I should become your assistant and slowly mold myself into a clone of you, then take over your life! Bwaaahaaahaaa!

Oops. Did I say that out loud?


Hi, Amy. Well, would you look at that... I am officially not lurking.


i read! i read! i love your website!
maybe you could force the comments onto my website...maybe they'll listen to you!
happy day to you!

(i just realized i ended every sentance with an exclamation point - but really, i'm not that annoyingly super hyper person that does that...)


Am here. Let the party begin. Weeeeee!



*no, nothing witty... just a simple Hello.


Today is the day I shed the shackles. Thank you, dear Queen, for giving me (and a lot of others) the encouragement to de-lurk. Now I think we shy ones deserve lots of praise and petting for taking this big step, or we just might disappear again...

bond girl

I comment, but feel forced to comment today due to The Edict. :-P~


Lurky, lurky, lurky. Why does it sound so dirty? I feel so . . . ashamed.

Real Girl

Hang in there...years ago, when I was interviewing to be an editorial assistant, my super-mentor-legend-type boss had been searching for someone for over two months. But she got temps during that time. Have they at least offered you a temp? Could you ask for one without seeming like a spoiled brat? Erm...unless you *prefer* to seem like a spoiled brat, and in that case, can you ask for two temps? And, like, a stenographer for Amalah.com?

By the way--do lurkers get more work done instead of procrastinating by commenting up the wazoo?


I always feel like my potential comments will be lame.

I could be your assistant, except that I'd have to work a 5 hour day in order to be able to manage my day care (Howard County to DC is more of a haul than I'd like) and I've never actually worked in publishing (but I taught English before I became an executive secretary!) And I worked in costumer service! Honestly, those actors had the most awesome things to wear! My only downfall is my excessive use of exclamation points! Although I suppose that wouldn't bug you too much...


I go online, I read, I giggle and squeak and make odd lil' snorting sounds from behind my monstrously huge totally-90's computer monitor, but I ain't never commented a'fore.

But your site rocks and so does your dog. (I have a very swishy-lovey pupper myself, a Beagle boy about 1 yr old. But don't worry Amy, your dog is eminently more squishy than mine.)

Happy De-Lurking Day!


Okay. WhatEVah do you mean by the torment of your lurkers like such today? Thanks for: the tip about Manolo: funny site! But! I am faithful to you! Daily! But you know this! Fare well, back to lurking for me.


Well, lately I've been a semi-lurker. You are fabulous, which of course you know already.


Me <--- lurker. All day. Every day. Never leaving commenty goodness.

But it's only cause I'm very not funny and very shy. So I will just say Amalah rocks and go back to hiding now! Bye!


I really did try to think up something focking funny to declare myself "de-lurked" but I couldnt, so just hello instead!


Greetings! Regular reader, rare commenter. I live in DC so I enjoy catching your references (2 Amys -- YUM!). I am in grad school, so I lurk as a procrastination device. Because I, um, don't read enough as it is.... I resolve to comment more (than, you know, once).


yup..I'm the lurker from Vermont who runs down my bloggroll alphabetically all the time becasue I can't trust it to tell me who really HAS updated. I can't type the word becasue, I love your shoes and purses ..and if you are lucky you can grow up to be mememememe! I have fun!


Total lurker here. Very boring job. No comments...because when I try to sound funny, I just sound like a nerd. Then, when I try to sound all serious, everyone laughs. It's a no-win situation, really.


..and oh yeah..I'm stealing your comment .BMP because (I tried real hard to type it correctly this time) I'm a quick study when it comes to comment whoring...of course it also helps to have people go to your site SOooooooooooo if I also leave comments on sites that GET traffic someone might visit mine. ..and who says old dogs etc...


Hey Amalah!
Recent enough lurker...do read every day though. On a couple of occasions, I think you might have factored into milk shooting out of my nose.

Keep up the good work and the good advice!

PS - One small request...more funny pictures!


Alright, you got me. I've commented a couple of times before but still *feel* like a lurker. What is that about? I'm obviously not the only one.

Anyway, here's to your cute shoes. At least someone gets to wear cute shoes today as we've already got 3 inches of snow here in Chicago with another possible 12 on the way! I'll be wearing nothing but rubber soled boots. Bleck.


I thought that I would be super cool and not comment today since I always comment, but Christ, how much fun would that be? I live to comment, yo.


Amalah, hire ME! Please? Can I do it from home? Like, really? PLEASE?

I like to work in pjs.


OK ... I will stop lurking, but only to say who the fock won the focer stuff?

Great site, Amalah.

type a

are any of those resumes scented? because DO NOT hire the overly perfumed assistant. i know mine's arrived when she's still in the parking deck.



De-lurking, upon command!

Love the site, and since I also live in DC, I enjoy all the shopping and restaurant references and tips. All that, plus Smackdown advice to boot -- one-stop shopping!


You should be congratulated on having an entertaining life to read about. This site provides me with an excuse to ignore the mounting pile of work beside me, on an almost daily basis. Hurrah!


Consider myself de-lurked. Again.


I'm far too fucking tired today to be, uh, anything other than tired? But I'll de-lurk if that's what it takes to get me through the day. I'll also say that I plan on making those peanut butter cups you make for your office Chocolate Coma day, or whatever it's called. Because those things look FINE. (Please note: I just ate two bowls of Lucky Charms and THAT IS SO WRONG.)


Waving hello to Amalah and her extremely witty and well-spoken commenters.

I post comments every now and then, but felt I should say something today in the spirit of the holiday. I mean, this is a holiday, right? So I'll be able to leave work early today? Right? Please?


This is my first visit here - brought here by a link about delurking day. Add me to your growing list of "I'm bored at work and you entertain me" fans!


I have been reading here for a few months, but this is my first comment. Great site!


Yeah, it might kill me, but then at least you'd have a comeent....

How come you no love me no more?


Ok, ok, I'm delurking. But I've never felt worthy enough to comment. Your blog is witty, you are a cool kid and I am not.


I lurk! I'm sorry! Your dog is pretty!

the Muppet

I used to be a lurker, about a week ago when I first found your site, but then I started commenting a couple days ago, so ha! I'm one of the cool kids. :)

I so identify with the "finding a job in publishing" advice. I used to work in a publishing house where I was the first editor to look at resumes and query letters, and let me just say: If you can't write a letter, you shouldn't be trying to convince me that you can write a book!


HOT WHISKEY!!! Pretty much after that the rest of the post WAS aklfljdhf aorueljf, Kdu87!, so... you win. Again. Bitch. Love ya!


I'm here because I liked the way you put the smackdown to smelly old Archie Belemus at Blue Poppy's site.

I like nice footwear, but only wear burkis with socks myself, as I am from Colorado.


So how much does entry level editorial assistant pay?


I love the Smackdown. And you. I want to be like you. I would love to work for you if I could. I found you through A Little Pregnant (I'm listed right after you there) so obviously I am very interested in your baby-quest. I pray that you get one soon. Also, you are pretty.


Ack! I've been found out. Those stealth-lurking super powers I thought I tapped into must not be fool-proof after all. Damn technology. So, er, "hi"!


Yeah - I'll comment, but like I'm number 75 or something, and no one will even read mine. (whine whine pout)

AND, can I tell you how many people really DO write "costumer service" on their resumes? oie
(Ha! My cat wrote "oie" <- she likes to stand on the keyboard when I am trying type. Cute, huh? Not.)


Happy De-Lurking Day!!
I'm not a lurker but I wanted to say keep up the good work. You may have missed some time-sensitive advice letters, but it was the holidays and that's always a crazy time for everyone. So I'm sure they forgive you because you need to get out and have some fun too!


I actually only just found your site yesterday, but I've bookmarked it, so I guess I owe you a comment. So, um, here it is.


Place comment here. Hey does this mean you're going to come to all our sites and comment too? hee!

Queen of Ass

Drive chain? The hell?

Which obviously means I've NEVER gotten mine checked.


Boy, this de-lurking is EXHAUSTING, esp. when you are as late to it as I am, and you have to read all the other witty comments. I believe I have de-lurked three times today already. Now I need a nap.


I've posted once but you deleted my comment. I must not be one of the cool kids. If I tell you that you are pretty can I be a cool kid? (Your dog is cute too).


Amy, you were one of the first websites I ever started reading on a regular basis, and are still one of my favorites. I salute you woman!


No More lurking! :) hee hee

Hi, I'm Amy.


Peer pressure has guilted me into laying down my "lurker" status to make the following comment...

I check your site too many times in a day--whether the job seems boring or not. You are a serious hoot.
Keep working on your book. I'll buy it and tell all my friends to buy it. Then you can buy lots of shoes and cute dog sweaters and live happily ever after.

Becky S

I will add my voice to the contingent of people willing to be your assistant from afar. I would also need you to match my current IT professional salary.

About your job requirements: you don't need a "yes man" assistant to comment on your shoes. As evidenced by the recent Ugg boot purchase, you need someone who will be brutally honest re: your footwear.


Who, me? Lurk? Never.


Feliz De-Lurking Day to Amalah et al, from an itinerant grad student who is originally from the DC area. Thank you for keeping me posted on events in Our Nation's Capital while I am studying in wintry Stockholm which, while beautiful and full of pretty shoes, is dang cold. Also, boo for writing my thesis. Thanks for your great writing, Amalah.


Happy Delurking day from another Amy Beth.


Delurking as requested. Love the site because I can come home after a long day and read something funny. And see shoes. Please add more shoes.

I'm also in DC so I live in constant fear that I will recognize you somewhere and get excited and you will run screaming and then post about it the next day. :)

Can I go back to lurking now?


Hello. My name is Shano. I am a Comment Pussy. But now I am a Cool Kid for commenting. Right? Right?!

Happy De-lurking Day!


happy de-lurking day!! i am making a special effort to visit and comment on as many blogs as possible... comments make me happy!

sarcastic journalist

comment! comment!

Her Ladyship

okay OKAY I'll comment. I just never really felt I had anything that witty to say. But I do love your site. Um, will you kick my ass if I say I miss reading about Max? Not that Ceiba's lil sweaters aren't darling and all, but I grew up with a Siamese and they have a special place in my heart. And now I've been outed as a cat person. Didn't take long did it.


Fecking NOTIFY did not NOTIFY me!!! And so I only get to be stalker number 346 today!

I luurve you. And your pretty shoes. And your little dog too. I may even start calling you Dorothy.

My advice for Hilda is to shop where the strippers shop (not that I know where that is or anything).


Amalah, you said comment so I am commenting even though it is so cold here that I don't have fingers, I have fingercicles, and it is very hard to type. I'm sure you understand, having your own heating problems and all, what a great effort it is, and you will probably love me all the more for commenting while in this hideous condition.


Shoes: hot. Dog: squee. Former DC girl here - back for work this week and thought of your dog every time I passed Ceiba on the way to my office. Have a happy 2005.


Yo girl, happy de-lurking day. Also, I have a Snarkywood request: the cast of Trading Spaces. It needs to happen!


Bit time lurker here. Not sure why I don't post more often because work sure is boring sometimes. So Happy De-Lurking Day.

Also, answer me this. If the drink machine at work is in the habit of giving people 2 Diet 7-Up's for the price of one, should I start drinking these to cash in? Or is this ridiculous becasue #1) Diet, and #2) 7-Up? Hmmm.

So do we all get a comment?

Katie B

I've commented once or twice before but I think I was drunk both times. Love the site, babe. Since everyone is gushing all over squee wee Ceiba I'll be givin' my mad props to Max even if I am the 500th de-lurker of the day.


I lurk all the way from Ireland (most of the time). You make a poor American grad student very jealous with all of your fashionable shoes and gorgeous bags! And do you believe they don't have Coach in Ireland? Fools...


Only sometimes a lurker...but always a fan. ;)


Happy De-Lurking Day everyone!
P.S. Amalah is fabulous!


Any advice for a Canadian university student stuck in a small town with nothing to do?

Apart from killing time by reading your site, that is. I really like the templates, and I also possess writing non-talent.

Happy New Year!

Lucy Jane

Ok, no more lurking for me. I read everyday, I even put you on my site as a MUST read everyday!
You rock with your coach bags!


happy delurking day...if i had known yesterday was delurkmas eve I would have put cookies out for the Great Delurker. gah.i need coffee....or booze.




Hello, I'm commenting! Funny story, I found your website one day and by the next night had read the whole damn archives, and it's great.


Amy, hire me to be your editorial assistant. I am totally unqualified and live like three thousand miles away. But I found you a pair of Uggs! And taught you how to take advantage of the extravagent customer service policies of major retailers!


I have commented twice, I think, but at heart I am truly a lurker.

Happy lots-o comments day!


I haven't commented in a while, so Hi.


I physically lurk behind the above commenter whilst she lurks here.

We're cute.


I'd ask if you have any pictures of you getting the lapdance, but that would be WRONG.

Um, anyway, happy De-Lurking Day.

Booze Who

Apparently all you have to do is ask and we'll all come out of the woodwork. Happy De-Lurking Day!


Well, in honor of this made up day I will celebrate with a post. Afterall, I celebrate National Donut Day with a dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme. You do know that Donut Day is every sunday, right?

Anyhow, thank you for providing a nice diversion from work. I only read a handful of blogs on a regular basis...otherwise I might become blogged down...haha! I AM SO not FUNNY! Wait, is this why I haven't had a date in 3 years??

Back to why I find myself reading your posts everday: you're really amusing, we are the same age, (yet you have done alot more in your 27 years than I have) so I look to you as an inspiration to do more! Also, I have panic disorder but none of my friends really understand what that means for me...it's sad that you have the same kind of "bad days" but it's comforting to read your posts and know that you have persevered!

Ok, this is SO long. This is why I don't post!


Lol - I'm commenting b/c you told me too. Love your site - my first time here. I'll be back - now you've been warned.

Fraulein N

I am NOT a lurker, but here I am anyway, with a pretty comment for you! La!

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