A Big Huge Wave of Guiltification
Re-Lurk! Re-Lurk!

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OK, enough with all the social awareness and global perspective crap. Let's get back to the brattiness and the whining.

But first...


Today is De-lurking Day, the brainchild of the fabulous Sheryl of Paper Napkin, who orders you to stop lurking and leave a damn comment already. And believe me, you don't want to cross Sheryl.

And for real: I check my stats. I know y'all are out there. Many, many, many of you who are apparently really bored at work. You just aren't commenting like all the cool kids. So please, step up and introduce yo'selves today. I won't bite and promise to only make fun of you if you say something really, really stupid or insult my shoes. Or my dog. Or anything I have ever done or said in my entire life. That's my job, bitches.

You know what also is my job? Quality fake advice. It's a job I've neglected over the past few weeks, but now I am proud to announce the triumphant return of the most popularest feature here at amalah.com (judging by traffic, not comments, because y'all are COMMENT PUSSIES), THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! Woo! Yay! Whatever!

Dear Amalah,

I have been interviewing editorial assistants for like, eight years now and still have not hired one. Candidate #452 turned down my job offer yesterday. Why? WHY? What's wrong with me? Why does no one want to assist to my editorial needs?


P.S. I like your shoes.

So Candidate #452 turned out to have been spectacularly overpaid at her previous job and was apparently shocked at what entry level editorial jobs pay. (Even though our offer was SUBSTANTIALLY more than what I was paid when I held that position, so CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.) So she said no thanks and I'm back staring at the saddest pile of resumes ever.

(EMPLOYMENT TIP: If you would like to obtain employment in the exciting world of publishing, try 1) spelling the company's name correctly, 2) not spilling food on your resume, 3) not talking about your time and experience in "costumer service" or as a "profreader," or 4) not submitting frightening articles about how Marilyn Manson is the greatest rock star ever as your writing sample.)

So I have no assistant. And January is shaping up to be the most horrific month ever. Starting...NOW.

(This is my really long and roundabout way of saying that the Advice Smackdown questions will be posted one at a time throughout the day whenever I get a spare moment to type out some hackneyed garbage.)


(Talk amongst yourselves.)

Dear Amalah,

After a glorious session of Tuesday Afternoon Drinking Club involving hot whiskey at the bar in the Four Seasons, I accidentally accepted a holiday temp position with a company I despise.

Since I'm about to sell my book and become a famous writer, I want to tell them I'm not working and to go pound sand.  However, there's a chance I'm deluded and my book won't sell and I won't ever get another temp job if I suggest the sand business.

I want to have a good holiday where I don't hurt innocent bystanders with office machinery because of displaced anger at my own poor decision to answer the phone while loaded.

So, what should I do?


So I had this whole response written before I realized that this question came with a bit of an expiration date. Which I missed, possibly because I've been drunk since like, December 14th.

Jen probably doesn't need my advice about this problem anymore, which is a shame, because my original response was pretty funny. Or maybe I'm lying and there wasn't an original response at all, because I KNEW I'd missed my window on this question but am posting it anyway because I'm lazy.

And whatever, the Delurking Day comments are coming in fast and furious so I could really just sit here and type stuff like aklfljdhf aorueljf, Kdu87! and this post would still get a bazillion comments telling me how awesome I am.

That's probably the actual truth. But now I feel guilty for lying to y'all and impugning on the Sanctity of the Smackdown. So Jen? Turn down the temp job and come work for me. We'll get drunk and write best-sellers together.

Dear Amalahlahlah,

The good news is that I am currently losing weight. Yay for me.  The bad news is that I am losing NONE of my gigundous chest.  Yes, this sounds great. But if all goes well, I will still have the problem of large boobs.

Yes, I said problem, and I'm not kidding.

See, all dresses are made for women who are slender and willowy.  They are. Trust me.  And I hate wearing dresses that make me look like a streetwalker.  At the same time, if I wear a normal dress, I look like I've lost no weight, and well, I basically need advice on what kind of dress to get.  I know v-necks, I know prints, and trust me, wrap-arounds are NOT an option (very streetwalker-ish).

But I would like to be pretty when I am going to my best friend's wedding this new year's.  And now I'll need a new dress.  Which creates the worst event known to man: Alektra Dress Shopping.

Please, if you can find out from someone, because you are willowy and feminine and beautiful and know not of this sort of distress of looking like a German hausfrau, it would be greatly appreciated.



P.S. - The drive chain on my Subaru, how often should I get that checked?

So I sent your question over to a couple friends of mine this morning, both with the introduction that I was only asking them because I have no boobs and they have glorious boobs and I'm NOT calling them German hausfraus because on them the big boobs TOTALLY WORK and in fact, I'm not asking them to give dress advice from personal experience AT ALL, because they are so gorgeous and perfectly proportioned but maybe they know someone who has a boobage problem and on second thought forget I even sent this.

One of them just replied: The wedding was on New Year's? Because in that case, I'm guessing she already got a dress.


Okay, I promise to never take two weeks off again, because I let everybody down and I'm left with all these old questions stinking up the place like expired milk.

Anyway. My friend is a big fan of the shirred (or ruched) V-neck dress. The V-neck is cleavtastic, and the slight gathering will accentuate your weight loss and make you look all hour-glassy. Nicole Miller makes several pretty basic dresses like that. She also recommends the flowy, pretty things over at Max Studio -- any of their silky embroidered tops paired with a kicky skirt with an asymmetrical hem will increase the willowy factor.

(I did not just type "kicky skirt." I DID NOT.)

Now I must go shopping for dresses, even though I have no parties or weddings to go to for months. But look! So kicky!

Also, get your drive chain checked every 30,000 miles.


So what does one wear to a strip club?  I believe that next weekend I will be visiting one with my husband, his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend and I am not sure what would be appropriate attire.  No, this isn’t my first visit to a male or female strip club, but it is the first time with my new husband and for that reason it just seems different.  Okay so should I wear my short black skirt and sexy lingerie type top or should I play things down and wear jeans?  I am just not altogether sure what would be appropriate.  So please all-knowing one.. What should I wear??


Wear the jeans WITH the sexy lingerie top. That's an outfit that says: "Yes, I am sexy and confident enough to wear underwear-like apparel in public, but yet I am not a whore in a g-string."

(Now this is the part of the post where I would like my mother to stop reading.)

The only strip club I went to was in Canada. I was on a business trip. I was also drunk and just beginning to feel the effects of the food poisoning I contacted at the airport. So clearly, I was out of my mind when my coworkers suggested we go to an establishment called "Bare Fax" and I was all, "Sure!"

It could have also been because the whole thing was sort of my idea to begin with.

Anyway. I do not remember what I was wearing at all. I do recall being overdressed, in more ways than one. I also remember meeting one stripper who had the softest skin I have ever felt and I asked her what kind of moisturizer she used and she told me but I immediately forgot. This may have been during a lap dance that someone else bought for me.

(I forget why I started telling this story. Hopefully y'all are so preoccupied with the de-lurking that nobody is reading this far.)

Anyway, right after the hypothetical lap dance the food poisoning kicked in and I started throwing up in the club's restroom (which was unisex) and basically didn't stop until my plane home.

So yes. Lingerie top and jeans. Bring a jacket, lots of ones and some antibacterial hand gel. Stay away from airport chicken the day of your visit, and for the love of God, try to find out what kind of moisturizers the strippers use, because that has been BUGGING me ever since.

Got a question? Now that you've de-lurked and commented, I just know you want to ask your old pal Amy for advice, right? Right. Send all your problems to advice@amalah.com and maybe I'll use it next week and you can comment again and say something like, "Hey! That's my question!" And all the other commenters will be like, SO JEALOUS because you are so cool.

Or don't. Whatever.



You are funny, you are fabulous, and my online writing is in no way as funny as yours even though I aspire to your greatness.
Also? I make squee noises over everything.
Happy de-lurking day!


Im so glad to know Im not the only lurker!! But now I am a commenter! Whoo hoo upgrade! Although I will probably return to lurking now as I am not funny. But I love your puppy and your squeezy kitty who is obviously decended from royalty.


i'm a lurker too!

also, what's the pay for an editorial assistant? not that my business degree would have taught me anything about that stuff..


I may be a lurker, but I apparently take orders well, seeing how I'm actually commenting here :) I love your site, and wait very impatiently for updates. If I promise to say de-lurked, will you update more often?


Lurker. Party of one. Yeah, I lurk. And yeah, I am often bored out of my mind at work and check your site 100 bazillion times a day for new updates. But I love reading your stuff. Hilarious! Oh, and Ceiba is super cute. Like a button.
Thanks for all the great Amalah-Advice. As always, it was very helpful.


I don't think I qualify as a lurker, since I do comment once and a while. If one really loves her lurkers, isn't it her duty to visit their sites and leave comments to ensure faithful readership?

*Enter nervous laughter while Frema hopes Amalah finds her the least bit clever. Frema is also looking for a job and willing to move.


I am a lurker...but not technically since I walk past the real Amalah every day. Now everyone else is jealous of me because I'm just 10 feet from you. That's right! I get to see the cute shoes "live and in color". Although the uggs haven't made an appearance. :0)

I love the site! And I love the amalah! And you better believe I read it at work!


*waving* Another de-lurked lurker checkin in.


Hi, I'm a serial lurker, so don't mind me. But I love the format of your blog. It's really cool and creative. Keep on writing and good luck!


Alas, I too read your site every day. I found it through an equally awesome site, www.dcfoodies.com (it may sound familiar). I am based right her in DeeCee, would love to be your editorial assistant (currently slogging away as a proposal writer)!


As a friend of yours in real life, you know I read your site! Does that make me a lurker?


De-lurking, because you have frightened me. Plus, I, too, hate it when people don't comment on my site. I check here every day and do a happy dance when you have updated. I mean it, I really do.

Jackie O

You can hire me! I don't graduate until May, though. But I do have a pretty nice resume and I think your shoes and bags are GORGEOUS. And I am no longer a very very actively reading lurker. (And I am TERRIFIED of the looming postgraduation job search and think it would be much better to just work for pretty Amalah).
p.s. I'm an English major.


This is my only 2nd comment here ever. But I read and adore you. OK?


I feel so ashamed... I, too, have been lurking for a long, long time, and it took a good scolding for me to profess my deep and abiding love for you and your site. Forgive me, o glorious Amalah.


Comment Pussy checking in. I do not post comments because I am not worthy. But you crack me up and your puppy is very cute (and I am so not into little yappy dogs - but - very cute)!


So..um...what are you wearing?

Damn! Wrong website!


I'm only kinda sorta a lurker. And my question made the Smackdown once, and I felt like the most special person evah. I'm just mad that I didn't check my blogs until so late. Now every site I go to I'm comment number bazillion. I think it means that I have excellent taste in blogs ;)


De-lurking from Australia: Hi there! I love your site (such fabulous wit, candour & style), adorable dog & accessories. Oh & I wanted to ask; what are your favourite make-up & skincare products? I'm a make-up junkie & am v.v. sad because Sephora doesn't ship internationally ... Must have another drink to console myself.


Happy De-Lurking day Amalah! You have been crazy popular today! You should always feel this much love!


I'm de-lurking! Love the site, crack up at it on a regular basis. Keep up the faboo work. :)


You caught me lurking.
I love your site!! I am unfunny so I lurk and don't comment. Your shoes are fabulous, esp. your new Uggs. Happy New Year!


I read....I laugh..I love...I am delurked.

bad penguin

You know I read already. But I never comment. So, Happy De-lurking Day!


That dog of yours? Ain't no dawg.
...More like a snack.
This is what you get for de-lurking people.


Well at least I lurk in good company! Happy De-Lurking Day!


I'm a little late for the party, but I'm commenting anyway because I love The Amalah and think she's one of (if not THE) the super-coolest!


I, like Zoot, am scared into silence by Amalah's Insanely Witty Humor. So I often stare at the computer screen, trying to come up with a clever post and eventually? I just give up. But I will try harder! Or, I will post crap and everyone can point and laugh at me. Also, I am a journalism type who would normally give ANYTHING to be your editorial assistant, but I am moving from the DC area to Chicago in a few months. And I hear the Chicago-to-DC commute is a bitch.


Speaking of German hausfraus with big boobs,hi from a bored (and I don't even have a job!) Canadian in Germany. I think you're awesome. And pretty. This isn't the first time I've visited here and it certainly won't be the last.


What is this thing? With the alphabet? Under my monitor? So ... hard to pry hand from mouse! Must ... press ... alphabet buttons to create comment!

Oooh, now I'm interactive. I feel so dirty.


I lurk on occasion. I like the shoes I've seen. And your dog is pretty damn cute. And didn't I see you wearing a Carbon Leaf shirt at some point? If so, that's kick ass. If not, oh well.

This ends my official de-lurking comment.


Darn, I'm always a day late. I'm still happy to de-lurk. I live in NoVA and work in southern Maryland. Let me tell you, its a long ass commute. I like reading since you're a local girl and are way funny and cute and all. As for advice, what happened to the one where you were going to tell us how to get laid in three dates? Have a good one.


I read your blog because you make me laugh. I never comment because I am afraid the "work police" will find out I have been ahheemmm "working" way too much.


Well, I'm a little late for De-lurking Day but I'll de-lurk myself anyway. Amalah, I love your site and think you're focking hilarious.

And 133 comments so far....everyone else thinks you're fabulous too!


I just started reading your blog about a month ago, at the recommendation of a friend. You are way too fabu! And I am sure your shoes and dog are quite lovely, as are mine. Well, not the dog, but my shoes are cool.


That's some serious peer pressure! So I must de-lurk and hope I haven't missed a deadline. I read every day... since I was clued in to your site by a friend of yours starting way back with a witty Victoria Secret post. Guess it's time to introduce myself. Though, we have already met... and even got drunk together. Love your site! You help so much with the doldrums of the day. Now can I go back to hiding?


Better late then never for de-lurking day! Besides, when I checked today and found that 136 incredibly brave bitches had beaten me to it -- well, it was more pressure than I could stand. Also, cuz I thought your response on the appropriate attire for a striptease soiree was dead on and hilarous, sister.


Love your site....very witty. I'm interested in doing a blog but want an address that doesn't have the word blogger, blogspot, etc. on it. Where does your site go through?


you just want our e-mail addresses so you can send up penis enlargement spam.
i used to comment all the time but you ignored me...and i just won't be ignored...because my mother says that i am a wonderful person and she must be right because she was always willing to kick a teacher's ass if they wronged her child...maaaama neeed breast...yum yum yum...
huh? oh. hi.!
I'm pettit.
l luvs amy's website and enjoy her displays of non talent. kiss kisss kisss


I love the idea of lurking. Like I have a handlebar mustache, a huge black cape and top hat, and creep around on my tiptoes, wringing my hands thinking of my next lurkee.

On to my next site...da dun dun dun dun DAAAAAAAAAAA dun.

A Fellow Lileks and Chipotle Fan

Busted. This is my first comment. I don't comment because I like to pretend that you're not writing this during work hours and I'm not reading it during work hours. How do you like my fantasy world? Isn't the sky pretty in here?

Besides, I don't have anything creatively snarky to say other than I love the site, you're a great writer, and reading Amalah.com is the highlight of my evening...because I would never read it during work hours. Never. Not even right now.


I'm a loyal reader too! You have a great site and you're always fun to read. But when I have a comment, I just go next door and tell you.


I read your first paragraph, and had to send you this comic. Thought you might enjoy.

And yeah, I read/lurk a bit. You crack me up. Seriously. And, btw, nice shoes.


I am not a lurker. I'm a rabid fan. And holy shit! 143 comments??? You have a lot of lurkers.

Busy Mom

A day late, but, "Hello!".


holy crap, 144 comments! You really wern't kidding about the whole "lurker" thing.

Anyway, I am a bit of a lurker. I've commented before, but only very rarely because, well, I have this sneaking suspicion that I'm just not cool enough to comment - a suspicion which, I mighht add, has been confirmed by the fact that I've been getting NO notify messages and thought you were maybe dead or something...

That aside, I would be your editorial assistant (and can edit and everything! Am freelance writer/editor/proofreader!) But there's the small problem of me living in a whole different country. Ah well, at least I commented!

Big Rach

I am a lurker, too. Mainly because I shouldn't be reading you at work. But hey, I am a day late which means I didn't read this at work yesterday! I'm so proud of myself.

I would totally be your assistant, and I even live in the District! But, would you really want someone to work for you that secretly reads blogs on the sly all day? :)

Anyways, you rock and I do usually read amalah.com every day. Unless a boss is nearby, that is.


Hello from the latest lurker to get the message. My wife and I love the site (she especially gets a kick out of the beauty tips and Max).


Holy fucking shit that's a lot of comments. And now one more! Hee.

But only to say that next time I need a dress? I am so asking you for help.

Scarlett Cyn

Well, I'm DEFINETLY not a lurker by a long shot. (or a short shot for that matter!) Whatever that means. (it sounded good in my head as I typed it though)

But, wanted to say hi. And Happy New Year. and...

You've got kick ass lurkers and posters, but me? I've got something special too. A transexual 'new' sister in law. At least I can totally pass on your fabo advice to him...erm,her. (hell, must get used to that!)

Thanks for your continued brilliance Amalah. Much loave and whatnot.


I'm not the Queen of Everything, obviously.

I am the queen of jello shots. (Concocting, eating, whatever)

And parallel parking.

But I'm not queen of either of the aforementioned when done in tandem. (not that I've tried, it's just a feeling)

And I guess my title of queen of lurking has just been denounced.

You're funny and, um, hi.


hi, i'm snowy. i read regularly and comment once in a blue moon. you're faboo and that's all i have to say for now.



I guess since I only posted a couple of posts on your blog posts a few times, I'm a lurker, I think.

I know I'm a little late, but I hope it's ok, is it?

It's nice to meet you!

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