Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OK, enough with all the social awareness and global perspective crap. Let's get back to the brattiness and the whining.

But first...

Today is De-lurking Day, the brainchild of the fabulous Sheryl of Paper Napkin, who orders you to stop lurking and leave a damn comment already. And believe me, you don't want to cross Sheryl.

And for real: I check my stats. I know y'all are out there. Many, many, many of you who are apparently really bored at work. You just aren't commenting like all the cool kids. So please, step up and introduce yo'selves today. I won't bite and promise to only make fun of you if you say something really, really stupid or insult my shoes. Or my dog. Or anything I have ever done or said in my entire life. That's my job, bitches.

You know what also is my job? Quality fake advice. It's a job I've neglected over the past few weeks, but now I am proud to announce the triumphant return of the most popularest feature here at amalah.com (judging by traffic, not comments, because y'all are COMMENT PUSSIES), THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! Woo! Yay! Whatever!

Dear Amalah,

I have been interviewing editorial assistants for like, eight years now and still have not hired one. Candidate #452 turned down my job offer yesterday. Why? WHY? What's wrong with me? Why does no one want to assist to my editorial needs?

Amalah

P.S. I like your shoes.

So Candidate #452 turned out to have been spectacularly overpaid at her previous job and was apparently shocked at what entry level editorial jobs pay. (Even though our offer was SUBSTANTIALLY more than what I was paid when I held that position, so CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.) So she said no thanks and I'm back staring at the saddest pile of resumes ever.

(EMPLOYMENT TIP: If you would like to obtain employment in the exciting world of publishing, try 1) spelling the company's name correctly, 2) not spilling food on your resume, 3) not talking about your time and experience in "costumer service" or as a "profreader," or 4) not submitting frightening articles about how Marilyn Manson is the greatest rock star ever as your writing sample.)

So I have no assistant. And January is shaping up to be the most horrific month ever. Starting...NOW.

(This is my really long and roundabout way of saying that the Advice Smackdown questions will be posted one at a time throughout the day whenever I get a spare moment to type out some hackneyed garbage.)

(Talk amongst yourselves.)

Dear Amalah,

After a glorious session of Tuesday Afternoon Drinking Club involving hot whiskey at the bar in the Four Seasons, I accidentally accepted a holiday temp position with a company I despise.

Since I'm about to sell my book and become a famous writer, I want to tell them I'm not working and to go pound sand.  However, there's a chance I'm deluded and my book won't sell and I won't ever get another temp job if I suggest the sand business.

I want to have a good holiday where I don't hurt innocent bystanders with office machinery because of displaced anger at my own poor decision to answer the phone while loaded.

So, what should I do?

Best,
Jen

So I had this whole response written before I realized that this question came with a bit of an expiration date. Which I missed, possibly because I've been drunk since like, December 14th.

Jen probably doesn't need my advice about this problem anymore, which is a shame, because my original response was pretty funny. Or maybe I'm lying and there wasn't an original response at all, because I KNEW I'd missed my window on this question but am posting it anyway because I'm lazy.

And whatever, the Delurking Day comments are coming in fast and furious so I could really just sit here and type stuff like aklfljdhf aorueljf, Kdu87! and this post would still get a bazillion comments telling me how awesome I am.

That's probably the actual truth. But now I feel guilty for lying to y'all and impugning on the Sanctity of the Smackdown. So Jen? Turn down the temp job and come work for me. We'll get drunk and write best-sellers together.

Dear Amalahlahlah,

The good news is that I am currently losing weight. Yay for me.  The bad news is that I am losing NONE of my gigundous chest.  Yes, this sounds great. But if all goes well, I will still have the problem of large boobs.

Yes, I said problem, and I'm not kidding.

See, all dresses are made for women who are slender and willowy.  They are. Trust me.  And I hate wearing dresses that make me look like a streetwalker.  At the same time, if I wear a normal dress, I look like I've lost no weight, and well, I basically need advice on what kind of dress to get.  I know v-necks, I know prints, and trust me, wrap-arounds are NOT an option (very streetwalker-ish).

But I would like to be pretty when I am going to my best friend's wedding this new year's.  And now I'll need a new dress.  Which creates the worst event known to man: Alektra Dress Shopping.

Please, if you can find out from someone, because you are willowy and feminine and beautiful and know not of this sort of distress of looking like a German hausfrau, it would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Hilda

P.S. - The drive chain on my Subaru, how often should I get that checked?

So I sent your question over to a couple friends of mine this morning, both with the introduction that I was only asking them because I have no boobs and they have glorious boobs and I'm NOT calling them German hausfraus because on them the big boobs TOTALLY WORK and in fact, I'm not asking them to give dress advice from personal experience AT ALL, because they are so gorgeous and perfectly proportioned but maybe they know someone who has a boobage problem and on second thought forget I even sent this.

One of them just replied: The wedding was on New Year's? Because in that case, I'm guessing she already got a dress.

(Weeps)

Okay, I promise to never take two weeks off again, because I let everybody down and I'm left with all these old questions stinking up the place like expired milk.

Anyway. My friend is a big fan of the shirred (or ruched) V-neck dress. The V-neck is cleavtastic, and the slight gathering will accentuate your weight loss and make you look all hour-glassy. Nicole Miller makes several pretty basic dresses like that. She also recommends the flowy, pretty things over at Max Studio -- any of their silky embroidered tops paired with a kicky skirt with an asymmetrical hem will increase the willowy factor.

(I did not just type "kicky skirt." I DID NOT.)

Now I must go shopping for dresses, even though I have no parties or weddings to go to for months. But look! So kicky!

Also, get your drive chain checked every 30,000 miles.

Amy,

So what does one wear to a strip club?  I believe that next weekend I will be visiting one with my husband, his buddy and his buddy’s girlfriend and I am not sure what would be appropriate attire.  No, this isn’t my first visit to a male or female strip club, but it is the first time with my new husband and for that reason it just seems different.  Okay so should I wear my short black skirt and sexy lingerie type top or should I play things down and wear jeans?  I am just not altogether sure what would be appropriate.  So please all-knowing one.. What should I wear??

Strip-teased

Wear the jeans WITH the sexy lingerie top. That's an outfit that says: "Yes, I am sexy and confident enough to wear underwear-like apparel in public, but yet I am not a whore in a g-string."

(Now this is the part of the post where I would like my mother to stop reading.)

The only strip club I went to was in Canada. I was on a business trip. I was also drunk and just beginning to feel the effects of the food poisoning I contacted at the airport. So clearly, I was out of my mind when my coworkers suggested we go to an establishment called "Bare Fax" and I was all, "Sure!"

It could have also been because the whole thing was sort of my idea to begin with.

Anyway. I do not remember what I was wearing at all. I do recall being overdressed, in more ways than one. I also remember meeting one stripper who had the softest skin I have ever felt and I asked her what kind of moisturizer she used and she told me but I immediately forgot. This may have been during a lap dance that someone else bought for me.

(I forget why I started telling this story. Hopefully y'all are so preoccupied with the de-lurking that nobody is reading this far.)

Anyway, right after the hypothetical lap dance the food poisoning kicked in and I started throwing up in the club's restroom (which was unisex) and basically didn't stop until my plane home.

So yes. Lingerie top and jeans. Bring a jacket, lots of ones and some antibacterial hand gel. Stay away from airport chicken the day of your visit, and for the love of God, try to find out what kind of moisturizers the strippers use, because that has been BUGGING me ever since.

Got a question? Now that you've de-lurked and commented, I just know you want to ask your old pal Amy for advice, right? Right. Send all your problems to advice@amalah.com and maybe I'll use it next week and you can comment again and say something like, "Hey! That's my question!" And all the other commenters will be like, SO JEALOUS because you are so cool.

Or don't. Whatever.