A Sonogram Story
Those Three Little Words That Mean So Much

Look! Updating! Now Stop Yelling At Me.

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE A SLACKER:

1) People email and ask if your pregnancy has gone to your typing fingers.

2) People email with entry ideas, even offering to write the first draft for you.

3) People email and tell you that "Gee, I used to love your site, and I was all excited about the pregnancy entries, but then you vanish too much and honestly, I expect more from my free online entertainment, so I'm not gonna read you no more, you lazy bitch."

4) People stop emailing you altogether, leaving your inbox full of nothing but 400 personalized pregnancy newsletters and shipping confirmations from Old Navy Maternity.

5) TypePad no longer logs you in automatically, and you really have to stop and think about what your blog password is.

So hi, I'm a slacking, awful person. Who really didn't mean to go this long without updating. Really! Am sorry. (Sort of. You know.)

I haven't written anything because I am sick to death of the stuff I write about. And talk about. And think about. Because it's all the same!

IF AMY IS TALKING, CHANCES ARE SHE IS TALKING ABOUT ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING:

1) Puking.

2) Feeling like puking.

3) Things that cause puking (i.e. toothpaste, leftovers, boiling water).

4) The sudden and rapid disappearance of my waistline.

5) Also, I feel like puking.

Although I felt really stupid doing it, I purchased maternity clothes this weekend. All my 400 pregnancy newsletters keep saying, "Your clothes may be a little tighter, but you aren't showing yet."

All my clothes keep saying, "Bitch, you're insane if you think you're getting us on anymore."

So after a few weeks of looping rubber bands around pants' buttonholes and hiking skirts up to right below my boobs, I finally did what I should always do first: I talked to my mommy. Who has been pregnant four times and was wearing maternity clothes by eight weeks along every single time. Apparently, women in our family carry all "in the belly," we get the belly early, and the belly grows until we look like big old beach balls with stick-figure arms and chicken legs waddling about.

This would explain why I totally have a belly already.

I mean, no one's going to look at me and go, "PREGNANT!" yet, and a few people who have been shown the belly are all, "Yawn, whatever, you scrawny bitch, you just look like you actually ate food today." But still. Belly. For me to pat and talk to and for Jason to eye suspiciously. (Jason: Oh, you're totally pushing it out. Amy: *actually pushes her abdomen out.* Jason: Oh. My. God.)

So I bought some maternity clothes. And I very nearly threw up in the Old Navy dressing rooms. (See? I'd gone way too long without talking about puking.)

IN OTHER NON-PUKING NEWS:

1) Chicken McNuggets are the most delicious, wonderful, straight-from-heaven food I have ever tasted.

2) I am a little in love with the SuperNanny.

3) I went to the movies! In the theater! Which was totally not on my own couch! We saw Sideways. Which really made me pine for wine and soft cheeses.

4) I also ate (vegetarian-please-don't-email-me) sushi and aged tangerine peel beef in a rare burst of non-nausea, and then followed up this culinary extravaganza with more Chicken McNuggets.

5) Aaaaannnd...new shoes. Comfy flat shoes to help me not fall down so much.

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Yes, they are Coach. Yes, they match my purse. Yes, I totally promise to stop now.

(Oh, but first, while the camera is out and being fiddled with, let me assure you that I have not forgotten the other babies, who have no freaking idea how terrible their lives are about to become.)

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Comments

Janna

Me first!

I didn't want to complain about your latest hiatus, Amy, but I was quietly and seriously pouting in the background. I was even considering shopping around for other blogs to read. But, thank god, you're still here. (Funny, huh? How "latest" and "hiatus" rhyme?)

I think I'll be the kind of ma-to-be to buy maternity clothes super early too, because, honestly? they're really cute.

Best wishes. . .

Dr. Johnny Fever

No one eats JUST Chicken McNuggets, Amalah. One has to assume that you also had McFries and a Shamrock Shake. And shloads of barbecue sauce. Twenty bucks says your baby comes out looking just like Mayor McCheese.

ZoeyBella

Hey, great to see you back on-line! Niiiiiiice shoes. Falling down = bad. New shoes that stop you from falling down = good. Chicken McNuggets = really good. Finally being the first person to leave a comment = priceless.

-Zoey

Zoey

Damn... I thought I was first.

Chris

Well, I didn't email. Because I knew you were busy with the puking and all. But I was waiting patiently for this entry. BTW, you should really try Wendy's chicken nuggets - I'm almost positive that they are made from ACTUAL CHICKEN.

kalisah

yea for new shoes! And new clothes! Maternity clothes! Another reason to love being pregnant: new reasons to SHOP!

Mirella

I pouted a bit over the lack of updates too. But now you're back! With an update! So it's all love again. I am a happy reader.

And oh GAWD. I am SO in love with SuperNanny. Jo is my hero. Love that girl.

ali

argh....hating you right now. i'd die for a belly, or any indicator that might prove to people that yes, i am pregnant and no, i've not just been spending too much time at Baskin Robbins.

i'm 16 weeks pregnant with #3, and only have a little chubb to show for it. i'll trade you my chubb for your belly!

Kitty

Yay for new clothes! And hey, don't let people make you feel bad because they don't think you have a belly yet. If your clothes are telling you you do, that's all that matters. ;)

lakeline

I'm commenting for the first time. Not because I was a slacker on De-Lurking/Getting-Knocked-Up Day, but because I just started reading your site two weeks ago. And being anal and weird, I had to start at the beginning and read forwards before I would allow myself to write you. But that being said, I just had to let you know how excited I am for you! Please don't let not having anything to say stop you from saying stuff, because you talking about puking is way more entertaining than most other people talking about deep, profound topics...

type a

yay for supernanny!

Zoot

Max is dictating a letter to Jason isnt he:

"Dear Human Society,

Please take this dog and put it in a nice home. Before I eat him. And bring me tuna.

Love, Max"

Also - women who show the earliest - lose the weight the earliest.

Actually - I have NO idea if that's true - I just made it up to help you feel better.

Shiz

Okay Amalah, Queen of Eraserpole, what is with that weird phantom-hand-and-computer thing in the centre photo? How do you guys SIT in your house?

bond girl

hee hee. Zoot's preggo weight wisdom is cracking me up. She is a good friend.

RockStar Mommy

SuperNanny, although absolutely amazing, has been banned from my house, because she makes me feel like THE WORST PARENT EVER!

And your feet are still skinny, so be happy about that. Even my feet have gotten fat.

wn

when pukefest 2005 is over we want pictures of the ever-growing belly!

hope you're feeling better soon.

MamaKaren

Loave the new shoes. I liked buying new clothes and shoes when I was gestating (the clothes got cuter with each pregnancy.) I needed maternity clothes about 10 minutes after conception, and all the weight (and more) came off in a reasonable amount of time, so I will back up Zoot's logic.

Chicken Mcnuggets are a good source of protein to help develop the tadpole's brain. You're doing the best you can for your baby by eating them.

ben

Okay:

Old Navy MATERNITY? Why do chicks get all the fun stuff?

And Supernanny? I've already blogged about her. "Go to the naughty spot." Oh, baby, the journey is half the fun, let me know when I get warm...

I know it's not Wednesday, but I need some advice: I keep asking my wife to try de-lurking with me, but she's always tired, or has a headache, or can't get a wireless signal. What am I doing wrong?

alfredsmom

Yeah! You posted! I can get on with my life!!! But seriously, you keep talking about this "belly" of yours but all we see is your feet. Very cute chihuahua. Perhaps when the baby comes you can buy matching outfits.

Serenity

Your dog wears nicer clothes than I do.

Lovely.

I guess I'll go find a gallon of ice cream to drown my sorrows in now.

Sarcomical

first of all, i am very disappointed that wee ceiba is not in pink.

second of all, i am so excited to read about your pregnancy, because i am all neurotic and hope to learn much from your experience before i dive into the pit myself. i shall be vicariously with child through you, and you shall try not to scare the shit out of me. m'kay?

also? i hope the sickies leaves you soon. then you can just enjoy it and not feel pukey. and you can take lots of pictures of your belly for strangers to look at. and show us all the cute things i know you're already buying for the wee one, who shall not be a cheesehead but cute and squishy.

kalisah

the good news is, even if it's just belly right now, the new maternity clothes will scream PREGNANT!! and no one will think you're just chubs.

Secondly, please resume the Advice Smackdown soon and send an email where I can post my ponderance. Pregnancy is no excuse for snubbing lovliness! We still need your queenly advice!

Mary

Ohmigod! Did you totally love Sideways? I just saw it last night with some girlfriends and we about peed ourselves with the laughing (a lovely residual of the whole childbirth thing, I might add, not to scare you or anything). It totally made me wish I liked wine but I just can't get into it.

smartjuice

Amalah, are you sure you don't work in my office? Cause there are three pregnant ladies up here and I swear I have overheard everything you just said. Are you sure that's not you in the next office?

C.

Its great to see a new posting! Sadly this is the first time I've gone to your blog in a while and didnt realize that you hadnt been keeping up! Its a match made in heaven!

Erin

Yay for the entry!
I checked your site religiously. I have nothing to do.

SuperNanny rocks, and the dad totally didn't deserve to have those children on Monday. Granted, they were shitheads, but he was ungrateful!

I'm glad you are okay, and have a Chicken McNugget for me. I can't eat them :(

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