This Is Your Brain On Infertility
An Entry About My Underwear

Scenes From A Pregnancy

I can't eat anything. Except for whatever the one magic food item is that I can eat. This item changes hourly and gives me no clue to its identity.

Jason: (on phone) What do you want for dinner?

Amy: Oh, anything. Whatever you want.

Jason: Chicken?

Amy: (turns green) Oh God, no.

Jason: Um, I think we have salmon?

Amy: Why do you hate me?

Jason: about I pick up a pizza?

Amy: Okay. Wait, no. Definitely no.

Jason: Pasta?

Amy: Nothing with sauce. I cannot do sauce.

Jason: (thumps phone against hard surface several times)

Amy: Could you pick me up a jar of peanut butter?

Jason arrives home with jar of peanut butter and a chicken salad.

Amy: Oh. Now I want a burrito. And if you eat that chicken in front of me I will kill you. Please leave the room.


Last night, as I was getting into bed and pulling up the covers, I managed to punch myself in the eye.


The night before, I had a dream that I was miscarrying, and then went shopping with Dooce. We bought gummie bears.


I'm getting my first ultrasound next Monday, and we should, presumably, hypothetically, possibly see the heartbeat. But again, I'm all kinds of annoying.

Jason is already creating our baby registry and I can't help thinking that while I'm certainly having some stomach issues, I'm not puking. I'd  feel better about my odds if I was actually puking. Everybody's all, "The sicker the better!" when you tell them that yes, you're having some digestive issues, not realizing that they are FREAKING YOU THE FUCK OUT because oh my God, I could totally be sicker. Why am I not sicker?

Maybe I'd puke if I ate some chicken.


Watching Iron Chef America is never a good idea for me. Neither is my brand-new TiVo season pass to TLC's A Baby Story, which absolutely terrifies me. And then makes me cry. Because babies! Who are small and soft but OH MY GOD, they totally come out your vagina.

Also: I watched The Discovery Channel's Pompeii special yesterday. By myself. And I watched the whole thing. (Hi, I'm Amy, and volcanoes scare the ever-loving crap out of me.)

Let me recap Part One, which was the Gruesome Recreations By Vaguely British-Sounding People:

Rich Pregnant Woman: I cannot flee. I can only sit here and moan quietly.

Rich Pregnant Woman's Family: Then we shall do the same! Arrange yourselves in sentimental and heartbreaking embraces!

Rich Pregnant Woman's Slaves: Aw, FUCK.

Rich Woman Carrying Box of Money: Oh! I will take refuge with the strong gladiators!

Gladiator #1: I am not afraid of pebbles!

Gladiator #2: That Rich Woman is hot!

Gladiator #1: (takes a boulder to the head and dies)

Gladiator's Dog: Could someone bring me inside? Or untie me? Please?

Small Dirty Child: Papa! Papa!

Man With Some Sort of Beam Impaled in His Chest: Heeeeellp meeeeee

Rich Woman's Despicable Husband: I will not help the Small Dirty Child! I will not help Man With Some Sort of Beam Impaled in His Chest! I will steal their money and sleep with my Noble Slave Girl!

Noble Slave Girl: (kneels to pray, for she is Noble, gets taken out by a roof or something)

Rich Woman: (kisses Gladiator #2, because hey, why not)

Pyroclastic Flow of Death: (flows deathily)

Rich Woman's Despicable Husband: (steals dying people's money, gets taken out by Pyroclastic Flow of Death, because oh! The irony!)

Gladiator's Dog: (is dead, just in case you were wondering)

Some Random People Hiding in a Boathouse: (are totally dead, because the Pyroclastic Flow of Death boiled their brains and made their heads explode, and look, here are some close-ups of some shattered skulls)

Everybody Else: (is also dead, which you probably didn't see coming)

Part Two was less violent, as it was comprised by an attractive volcano expert wandering around modern-day Pompeii and harassing local citizens.

Attractive Volcano Expert: How can you live here? Do you not realize that Vesuvius is a TICKING TIME BOMB OF FIERY DEATH?

Local Citizens: Eat, drink and be merry! We don't care! We are invincible!

Attractive Volcano Expert: So how much notice does Pompeii need before an eruption to safely evacuate the 700,000 fools who live here?

Local Volcano Representive: Two weeks.

Attractive Volcano Expert: And how much notice do you think you'll get?

Local Volcano Representive: Umm...14 minutes?

Local Citizens: Fiddle-dee-dee! Clearly The Discovery Channel thinks we deserve what's coming and frankly, kind of hopes Vesuvius will erupt to help the DVD sales! Look at us on our jolly mopeds!

Cheap Ass CGI Effect: (destroys modern-day Pompeii with a Pyroclastic Flow of Death, pointedly taking out several mopeds)

Attractive Volcano Expert: You people are idiots. The end.


And that brings us to today. My eye (that I punched) (myself) is all red and angry and painful. The thought of Cheerios nearly made me faint, but a breakfast of German chocolate cake totally hit the spot.

Now I must figure out what my stomach will accept for lunch (hint: not chicken) and try to figure out how to get someone to buy me the Pompeii DVD, because it was totally awesome.



I never threw up with LilZoot. Not even once. Queezy? Yes. Throw up? No. And he was even one day late. And other than that first bit of queeziness? The pregnancy was easy as pie. You'll be fine. Don't let those puking pregnant people scare you. Non-puking pregnant people make prettier babies. Its a scientific fact.


I swear, all I consumed for the first 6 months of my first pregnancy were pizza flavored goldfish crackers, grilled cheese sandwiches, and lemonade. I couldn't stomach the thought of anything else.


I never puked either. Just felt really really pukey and tired for 3 months. My Jewish MIL's old wives tale of sucking lemon drops really did help the queeziness tough. Even though the thought of it made me want to puke. The actual sucking of them WORKED.


For the first 3 months of my pregnancy, the only thing I could keep down was pineapple and cottage cheese (please try not to gag).

My second one I was queasy, but luckily actually was able to digest my food, instead of it having and extremely short-term lease.


Quite possibly the hardest I have laughed all year thus far. Thanks, Amy! I hope you can consume food soon!


My girlfriend read this entry and informed me that for the first three months of her first pregnancy, all she consumed was ruby red grapefruit juice and Vienna sausages. I shudder in fear.


All I ate were Cheerios for the first few weeks. Then I ate everything in sight. I gained 50 pounds by the time it was all over--but there were two babies, so I claim that as my excuse. Thankfully, it didn't stick around. Nursing took care of the whole lot in very little time actually. I highly recommend it. Eat what you can, when you feel you can eat. The tadpole will manage.


Crackers were my best friend the first 12 weeks. And cookies. And cake. But definitely not ice cream. Eww.


I've had two kids and I didn't puke with either one of them. Except for that one time during the actual birth of my oldest, but that doesn't count. It was almost over by then.

Watch lots of episodes of A Baby Story. You need to see it so that you will not send the guy with the epidural away when it's early in your labor and you think you can handle it. Epidurals are your friend (and they also don't get any drugs in your bloodstream that would affect your baby) and after the episiotomy you'll be happy that you can't feel anything from the waist down. The only down side is that you won't feel any pain and therefore will not be able to guilt-trip your teenager into hanging out with you later.

Enjoy every moment!


What did the Rich Pregnant Woman in Pompeii eat? Maybe that's what you need.

Also - you left out the part where they tell you the people in the boathouse 's brains boiled and exploded 3 times. Yes. They told us that THREE TIMES. So hoepfully the merry making moped riding citizens of today's Pompeii will remember to NOT GO TO THE BOATHOUSE.

type a

you had german chocolate cake for breakfast too?


Thank you so much! I had a massive case of baby-fever (everybody and their mom is pregnant here on the internet!) and all that talk made me glad I'm not having a baby yet. *shudder*
I can't watch A Baby Story because it's just too gross. At least the end part, when the baby is being born and all. (When the mom is still pg and talking, that's no big deal.)

Thanks for the Pompeii recap - I can rest easy now knowing what happened. ;)


While I do not recall any puking by the missus with the first child I definitely remember that it was ice cream with strawberries on top that sent her into labor. oh yeah and then there was the "don't come home without a lemon merangue pie" mandate. 2 1/2 hours and 6 Denny's later I was allowed in the house. Best of luck Jason.


Does the Brady Bunch episode where Peter builds a volcano freak you out too?


Yay Amalah! Congrats on your Tadpole sighting! Hopefully the little dude will want to get his / her picture taken when you go to the ob/gyn.

I just spent a solid week at work reading through your site. I swear I am not a stalker! Seriously. I'm not! Who says you actually have to do work at work?

Anywho- I wanted to let you know how much I loved your site and give my congrats to you and Jason. And totally take advantage of the fact that he will Love! to get you your crazy food fetish of the day at 2:30am. Hugs to Ceiba and Max. And to the New Tadpole!


I watched that Pompeii special too and was totally freaked out. I did a report on Vesuvius in third grade and the enormity of it was lost on me at the time (hey - I was eight and only had Barbies on my brain). Discovery Channel went a teensy bit overboard with the boiled brains & heads exploding didn't they?!

Two things I DESPISED while pregnant: all the unsolicited advice (from friends and foes alike) and everyone wanting to touch my tummy. THEM: "Can I pat the baby?" "I just want to pat the baby." "Oooh, let us pat the baby." ME: "Do you wanna keep that filthy hand away from my nether regions???" * sigh * I'm sure you'll handle it better than I did, in true Amalah fashion!!!

Busy Mom

Chicken made my head spin when I was pregnant with my first. I actually still have issues with it and it's been almost 11 years!


Reporting in for my better half. 2 pregnancies, no puking. Queasy - sometimes. Especially if I had even a hint of beer breath.

Epidurals: 1 out of 2.
Please-e-out of me's - 2 (yes - one was with no drugs. I married one tough cookie)

Kids - now have a pair of strapping young men (6'+, 200lb, colidge stewdints)

Worst part of the pregnancies: #2 spent most of his time with his head pressing against my wife's stomach. Kinda caused some stomach capacity issues from time to tome - but no ejection of content.

Glad I never had to try and pass a bowling ball. Or even a Bocci ball. Ow.


Okay, and I still can't figure out why the Weather Channel considers a volcano to be weather.

Um, wind and rain? Weather.

Magma? Really, really hot rocks.

See? There's a difference.

And yeah, the boathouse is a bad place. They should have a warning label or something.

Jackie O

I want to hear possible baby names. And see what is chosen for the registry. Please comply.


The only advice I have to give is to eat what you want to eat. Who cares if it changes every other second. My nausea lasted the whole pregnancy and afterwards. I hope it's not that way for you. I've been gone for a month and when I saw that you are pregnant, I started to cry because I've been praying constantly that you and other's, whose blogs I read religiously, have a child one day because you so deserve one. Because you are so cool. People gave me advice about crackers and lemon and pregnancy lollipops and ginger and sickness bands your wear on your wrists. And NONE of them worked. So do what's best for you. :)


Not to freak you out in your weak and delicate condition Amalah, but I figure you would want to be forewarned. Check this out:

Luckily, Alaska is no where near you. And a river of luke-warm lava cooled by the snow cannot be that destructive.

Also, I really want german chocolate cake now.


Hilarious! However, I don't think I'm going to be able to handle this terrifying "babies out the vagina" thing.


So, the Volcano Cam isn't helping things huh? I better not tell you about all the hideous foods that made my wife that vinagrette dressing or anything with mayonnaise.


no worries.. jim taped it for me while i was in WI. i'll give it to you when i see you.
seriously though what were they thinking?? if rocks are coming from the sky i am leaving town.


I will restrain myself from giving you advice since I know that you will be inundated with it in the following weeks however you will see that advice is the tip of the iceburg. Just wait until people from all areas of randomland want to TALK TO YOUR STOMACH!!!
Husband talking to baby = cute and sweet and bonding
Random people = wierd uncomfortable violated feeling moments.
Why does our socitey allow these things? :)
Good luck with the nausea, it will pass...


I had an instructor in high school who ate nothing but peanut butter on white bread for the first 3 or 4 months, with some occasional fruit. After that passage into the 4th month though, she was so ravenously hungry all the time that she marched the Rose Parade with us and had a summer sausage in her pocket to snack on through all 8 miles.


Yeah, I'm relly freaked out by that coming out of the vagina thing too. And now? thanks to your post? volcanoes and birth are forever fused in my mind.
Oh dear.


I meant, of course, "really" freaked out.
Sheesh, I hate it when I do that. Spelling bee anyone?


Frosted Mini-Wheats. All I ate.

And my unsolicited advice? eat constantly. Always be nibbiling on something. Helps to keep the queasy away.

Oh, and I never puked with either of my 2 healthy girls.

And you don't have to take all the unsolicited advice you get.


Sarcastic Journalist

coffee made me want to vomit. wait. i vomited all day every day for 17 weeks. coffee made me vomit more.

as for babies coming out of your vagina? by week 40, you don't care if it is a 12 pound hairy baby with're just ready for it to be born.

baby story helped me figure out how to push right! push like you poop!


Hi. I'm a lurker but your wonderful baby news has brought me out of LurkyLand. I feel weird admitting I'm a lurker...because from where I sit, you're my pretend real fried.

Anyhoo...1) when I was a pregant I didn't throw up at all and had a very healthy baby boy! 2) C-section are great -- honest. I'd have one again if given the choice.


Ooh, thanks for the Pompeii recap. It is waiting patiently on my DVR for me to watch, but I, too, get a little freaked by the volcano action. Also? When you wrote, "Maybe I'll puke if I eat some chicken"? I read it as "Maybe I'll puke if I eat some children", and I for some reason laughed out loud. Does that make me weird?


Never puked. :) Didn't want chicken either. Though rice with butter and salt? Yummy. :)


Frosted mini-wheats = loved it.
Rice and butter and soy sauce = loved it.
Husband talking to belly = touching.
Random people talking to belly = irritating.

Too much unsolicited advice? Sorry.

I have more though if you want it. :)


I'm pretty sure Pompeii was a trilogy. The third part had the RPW coming back to life and demanding the fuck out of some shoes and purses to make up for the quease.


Okay I admit it .. I've been lurking, reading your blog, and laughing my absolute HINEY OFF on a daily basis. Lurve it, lurve it, lurve it!! Trying to catch up on all the back issues without getting busted by Da Boss ...

Lurve and SQUEEEEEEE! to you & Jason on the tadpole. Most excellent news! =D


Okay - here's more unsolicited avdice and pregnancy story for you. Me? Never puked. Wanted to? Oh Yeah. 1st trimester it was all about the veggies and the carbs. Not good carbs. We're talking Stouffer's potatoes au gratin. Mashed potatoes. Potato salad. HAD TO HAVE THEM.
NEVER regained my taste for seafood. I still like tuna but anything else? Forget it. Keep some cereal by your bed. And for whatever reason - the tart, citrusy stuff worked for me too. Lemonade.
By the 3rd trimester and MANY, MANY POUNDS later - I was craving red meat and ice cream.
I was one day late and decided to be induced because by 40 weeks? YOU DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE. My son decided at 2am that morning that he was not going to be evacuated - he would vacate on his own. I hate to say it, because there are many more horrifying stories out there, but my labor was a breeze. 6 1/2 hours and I chose not to have drugs. Yes, you read that correctly. NO epidural. I really think it made my entire labor go much more quickly. I was more concerned about puking and reacting to the drugs than tolerating the pain. It was the right choice for me. I say educate yourself. Look at all the options and then go with what YOUR gut says. You, Jason and Tadpole are going to be wonderful. Enjoy it - even when you want to puke. Oh, and the sonogram? When you hear the heartbeat - you will be a puddle. Sobbing. It is fantastic!


I, too, hate unsolicited advice - so here is some:

My friend fought the queasiness by eating through the nausea. Just little things like PB&J sandwiches or Triscuits - and she made it. So did beautiful Baby!

Congrats, congrats, congrats.


honey, you are so making me even scaredier to have a baby. i totally also watched TLC's a baby story the other night and this asian lady? with the weird pushing positions and the screaming and the blood? totally made me freak out. i covered my eyes.

but yet they always say you forget about that crap when you get to hold the squooshy booger.

whee! you are a momma! i can't wait to see the outfits you pick out. for the baby. OH, and for your cute preggo belly of course.

Lisa B

Rest assured. I didn't do any puking either. I felt pretty good -- as long as I kept eating really fatty stuff -- like german chocolate cake.

Once my hubby brought home an entire pumpkin pie because he was tired to dropping by Steak and Shake each night. I ate the entire pie in two days. It was HUGE and was all I wanted to eat. I felt a bit guilty but figured that's what the prenatal vitamin is for.

In the third trimester there was a serious need for BLT's (with like a pound of bacon) and chocolate shakes. I guess you can see how I gained 60 pounds, eh?

I don't know if this happened with anyone else but by the second trimester, all kinds of food tasted so amazing. I would take a bit of whatever and scream, "OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER TASTED." And my hubby would look at me like, "Its a nasty-ass Hostesss fruit pie. What the hell?" All I thought about was baby, baby, baby and food, food, food.

It took almost 2 years to take off the weight (breastfeeding helps some but it didn't do me any favors.) but its off now.

As for the emotional stuff... In the first trimester, I saw a Simpsons episode where Bart walks off with Homer into the sunset at the end. Bart says something about how Homer will always be his hero or something. And I started crying. I thought that was soooo beautifffffulllll. (Sob sob.) Can you BELIEVE that? Oy!

Scarlett Cyn

Amy, you crack my ass up.

I am actually very proud of you for watching the whole Pompeii thing. Bravo! (erm, Brava!?)

You are doing fine, pregnancy wise. I was sick as HELL 8 out of 9.5 months (whoot! lost 40lbs too!Best diet.. EVAH!)Smell of onions cooking? Slew me. Just about anything slew me, actually.

Mangoes. Salad.Penne Arribiata. Chocolate Ganache Cake. I craved these things like hell. I acutally ate them. But? they didn't stay down too long. But still and all? I enjoyed them while it lasted!

Hope you are feeling better in no time. (Great. Now I want a burrito too!)


Now that I've stopped laughing I can tell you that I never puked with either of my boys(who are now 8 and 11 and bursting with good health and vitality), although I wanted to several time. My queasiness always came on at 4 p.m. Just great when you're thinking about preparing dinner. And now that I think about it? I had chicken issues too. Chicken still grosses me out sometimes even now, especially wings, as do steamed mussels (sorry!) and the smell of
ketchup. You're going to have a beautiful baby (I'm betting it will be a pretty, pretty girl) no matter what you eat. Congratulations!


No puking with baby #1, only one actual puke episode with baby #2, and way more than anyone was comfortable with with baby #3. All healthy, the only complication of the 3 was a breech presentation for #2 (resulting in the first of the c-sections, which are not nearly so bad as I had feared they would be.) My advice- just try to roll with it, eat whatever works at a given time. Jolly Ranchers or tart flavored candies (like Sour Berry Lifesavers) kept the nausea at bay most of the time. Oh, and I ate a lot of Teddy Grahams as well, they helped.


Oh. My. God.

You are hysterical!! My sister is about 12 weeks along, and all she wants to eat is fresh seafood. I'm hoping she avoids pickling my little neice/nephew in iodine and sodium, what with all the crab and shrimp and swordfish she's eating.

According to my mother, the only foods/drinkables she could consume while carrying me was raw cabbage salads, hard boiled eggs and black coffee.

So, ya know....could be worse! :-)
LOVE your stories!! Keep 'em coming!



Oh Hello. Just had to comment here. I feel your pain on the queasy issue. With baby Will, I puked everyday from week 7 thru week 21. I had an IV put in my arm at week 16 b/c I couldn't keep anything down. MISERABLE. On Easter Sunday 2003 I threw up 17 times. I counted. I hope you are feeling better soon, most people get over this by week 12.
By the way, once I miscarried and did not get sick at all so I knew that it was not good. Having morning sickness does mean (at least to me) that it is a 'good' pregnancy. Lots of luck to you.
P.S. Try Ginger Altoids (if you can find 'em).
I also had accupuncture but that was kind of a waste of $$.


I remember clearly sitting in an indian food restaurant with my head on the table, sobbing because I couldn't eat a bite, despite *wanting* the food I had ordered.

By the second kid, I was eating nothing but fun-size bars.

A Baby Story makes birth seem scary - you'll also want to avoid Maternity Ward and any Discovery Channel offerings on Siamese Twins and other genetic mutations. Because, yeah.

Hope your eye heals quickly.

Bad Penguin

I can't help with the pregnancy stuff. But I do hope the food thing gets better.

I did see the Pompeii show. I was a little put of by how much the narrator enjoyed going into the gruesome details of how people died (boiling brains and all) I missed the end though. Did everyone die? Last I saw Pliny the elder was taking a bath and waiting for the wind to change so he could sail on out of there.


I was sick for five months, and had heartburn for five months. There was a nice overlap where I would have SWORN I was playing the role John Hurt in Alien. But this is a good thing. After a couple of miscarriages with NO sickness, I cherished the ick and had a healthy and healthy-sized 9 lb baby. SO YOU'LL BE FINE.

BTW, citrus seems to be a theme in the first trimester. I ate about (I'm not kidding) 3-4 lbs of oranges a day with a box of crackers chaser for three months. Must be something in it that prego's need.

Good luck!


Oh! And I forgot! In addition to Tums (which are LOADED with calcium), there are these sea sickness braceletts that can help. They're (well, ugly first--tres ugly) these cloth, elastized bands with little bump on the inside. They stimulate a pressure point on your wrist that calms a queasy stomach. You can see them here: (see? I told you they were ugly).

Pepermint or Licorice tea works, too--but the smell might make you hurl.


Since I am only a few weeks ahead of you in the tadpole incubation stage, I too am worried that I am not sick enough. In fact, the day I felt totally fine, I was freaking out the whole day. Something must be wrong, right? In fact, I only pee every few hours. Again, am I crazy for worrying too much? (Sorry for the TMI). As for the food thing, Frosted Mini-Wheats and PB&J on saltines works great for me. Lemonade like crazy. Thanks for posting your fears and getting people to respond. I thought I was the only one.


Don't worry, there are plenty of women who don't throw up when they are pregnant, and still wind up with healthy, on-time baby. Your post was absolutely hilarious! Now I can't get the scene out of my head! ; ) Good luck!


Rock ON! That was hilarious, Amy!

I have to pick a phrase or sentence this week for a creative writing project and I am so going to choose "Pyroclastic Flow of Death" or "Clearly The Discovery Channel thinks we deserve what's coming." Because hey, why not?


Even worse than "A Baby Story" is "Birth Day" on Discovery Health. They don't mess around with going to the people's homes and whatnot. Eff the backstory. It's just delivery after delivery after delivery.

Worse than that? Is "Babies: Special Delivery" because it's all people with labor complications! GREAT! Just what every expecting mom wants to watch.

I think the worst part isn't so much the fact that the baby is coming out of the vagina -- it's the mother's screams. Dear lord. These are perfectly sane women who are screaming like banshees because THE PAIN IS OUT OF CONTROL. Eeek.

And I just cannot imagine how weird it must feel to have all these new food cravings and sensitivities. Pregnancy is just crazy!


Oh, and I forgot. Ginger tea is great, IF you like ginger. Believe it or not, papaya is good for nausea too.
My mother told me that when she was pg with me she ate 1/2 dozen navel oranges a day and jamoca almond fudge ice cream.
And now I must go find some German Chocolate Cake.


I don't know about all that queasy not pukey pregnancies make pretty babies. I had a very bad pukey one (hospital,IV's, three weeks no food or liquids that lead to hospital). For you, chicken is the worst, for me it was Popcorn, and it still kinda is and my daughter is two. *hugs* to help you get through the nuttiness of being pregnant.


Oh and at the end of my pregnancy. All I wanted was Green Veggies.


Don't forget to update your "About" tab!


When I was pregnant with my first girl, my husband and I were in the car (read: small enclosed space with little ventilation) and he tried to eat a burrito. In front of me. And my ever queasy stomach. I made him hang out the window on the freeway. Allll the way out the window.


It just hit me ... Amalah MUST have a baby girl!! think of the shoes! the purses! the panties with ruffles on the butt ... perhaps with Care Bears on them....


we are planning a summer trip to hike up Mauna Loa on the big island and then take a bike ride down to the bottom! OOh and lots of Hawiian chicken with lots of pineapples! You really need to experience POI!
Wanna come?


The sicker the better?? Oh HELL no. I was so sick that I lost 35 pounds in the first half of both of my pregnancies, and was literally throwing up every 20 minutes. It sucked. It SO sucked. I had to take drugs to keep food down, which I was totally against, and some people said "Take the drugs!" and other people said, "Drugs?? Your baby will be born without arms!" (paraphrased, sort of). No. A moderate amount of queasy, yippee. So sick that the smell of clean air makes you puke? Not so much. I'm very very very happy for you that you are a little sick, though. :)

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