Scenes From A Pregnancy
February 08, 2005
I can't eat anything. Except for whatever the one magic food item is that I can eat. This item changes hourly and gives me no clue to its identity.
Jason: (on phone) What do you want for dinner?
Amy: Oh, anything. Whatever you want.
Amy: (turns green) Oh God, no.
Jason: Um, I think we have salmon?
Amy: Why do you hate me?
Jason: Okaaaay...how about I pick up a pizza?
Amy: Okay. Wait, no. Definitely no.
Amy: Nothing with sauce. I cannot do sauce.
Jason: (thumps phone against hard surface several times)
Amy: Could you pick me up a jar of peanut butter?
Jason arrives home with jar of peanut butter and a chicken salad.
Amy: Oh. Now I want a burrito. And if you eat that chicken in front of me I will kill you. Please leave the room.
Last night, as I was getting into bed and pulling up the covers, I managed to punch myself in the eye.
The night before, I had a dream that I was miscarrying, and then went shopping with Dooce. We bought gummie bears.
I'm getting my first ultrasound next Monday, and we should, presumably, hypothetically, possibly see the heartbeat. But again, I'm all kinds of annoying.
Jason is already creating our baby registry and I can't help thinking that while I'm certainly having some stomach issues, I'm not puking. I'd feel better about my odds if I was actually puking. Everybody's all, "The sicker the better!" when you tell them that yes, you're having some digestive issues, not realizing that they are FREAKING YOU THE FUCK OUT because oh my God, I could totally be sicker. Why am I not sicker?
Maybe I'd puke if I ate some chicken.
Watching Iron Chef America is never a good idea for me. Neither is my brand-new TiVo season pass to TLC's A Baby Story, which absolutely terrifies me. And then makes me cry. Because babies! Who are small and soft but OH MY GOD, they totally come out your vagina.
Let me recap Part One, which was the Gruesome Recreations By Vaguely British-Sounding People:
Rich Pregnant Woman: I cannot flee. I can only sit here and moan quietly.
Rich Pregnant Woman's Family: Then we shall do the same! Arrange yourselves in sentimental and heartbreaking embraces!
Rich Pregnant Woman's Slaves: Aw, FUCK.
Rich Woman Carrying Box of Money: Oh! I will take refuge with the strong gladiators!
Gladiator #1: I am not afraid of pebbles!
Gladiator #2: That Rich Woman is hot!
Gladiator #1: (takes a boulder to the head and dies)
Gladiator's Dog: Could someone bring me inside? Or untie me? Please?
Small Dirty Child: Papa! Papa!
Man With Some Sort of Beam Impaled in His Chest: Heeeeellp meeeeee
Rich Woman's Despicable Husband: I will not help the Small Dirty Child! I will not help Man With Some Sort of Beam Impaled in His Chest! I will steal their money and sleep with my Noble Slave Girl!
Noble Slave Girl: (kneels to pray, for she is Noble, gets taken out by a roof or something)
Rich Woman: (kisses Gladiator #2, because hey, why not)
Pyroclastic Flow of Death: (flows deathily)
Rich Woman's Despicable Husband: (steals dying people's money, gets taken out by Pyroclastic Flow of Death, because oh! The irony!)
Gladiator's Dog: (is dead, just in case you were wondering)
Some Random People Hiding in a Boathouse: (are totally dead, because the Pyroclastic Flow of Death boiled their brains and made their heads explode, and look, here are some close-ups of some shattered skulls)
Everybody Else: (is also dead, which you probably didn't see coming)
Part Two was less violent, as it was comprised by an attractive volcano expert wandering around modern-day Pompeii and harassing local citizens.
Attractive Volcano Expert: How can you live here? Do you not realize that Vesuvius is a TICKING TIME BOMB OF FIERY DEATH?
Local Citizens: Eat, drink and be merry! We don't care! We are invincible!
Attractive Volcano Expert: So how much notice does Pompeii need before an eruption to safely evacuate the 700,000 fools who live here?
Local Volcano Representive: Two weeks.
Attractive Volcano Expert: And how much notice do you think you'll get?
Local Volcano Representive: Umm...14 minutes?
Local Citizens: Fiddle-dee-dee! Clearly The Discovery Channel thinks we deserve what's coming and frankly, kind of hopes Vesuvius will erupt to help the DVD sales! Look at us on our jolly mopeds!
Cheap Ass CGI Effect: (destroys modern-day Pompeii with a Pyroclastic Flow of Death, pointedly taking out several mopeds)
Attractive Volcano Expert: You people are retarded. The end.
And that brings us to today. My eye (that I punched) (myself) is all red and angry and painful. The thought of Cheerios nearly made me faint, but a breakfast of German chocolate cake totally hit the spot.
Now I must figure out what my stomach will accept for lunch (hint: not chicken) and try to figure out how to get someone to buy me the Pompeii DVD, because it was totally awesome.