Wednesday Advice Smackdown
This Is Your Brain On Infertility

The Irony & The Ecstacy

Okay, okay. Now that y'all know the Great Untellable News That Dare Not Speak Its Name, let me rewind and give you a full timeline of all the shit I couldn't blog about before.


I decide to take a hiatus, because I'm busy at work. But also because I'm tired, soooo tired, and crying over EVERY BLOOMING LITTLE THING. Runs in my stockings, whiskers on kittens, other people's pregnancies and the dread that only comes when you're preparing to go back on Clomid, the fertility pill of Satan.


I post a conversation in which I bitch to Zoot about not being pregnant and that the stress of life has screwed up my insides and making my period 21 hours late and waaaaaaaaaaah. A button pops off my pants. Goddamn it.


We go out for dinner and I am a bitter, bitter date. The entire world is against me. I am fat and unlovable but everyone should love me because waaaaaah. Jason orders steak tartare. Amy bolts for the restroom. Jason mentions that maybe, just maybe, I should think about taking a pregnancy test.

"Bah!" I say. "I'm so not getting suckered in again. I'm just fat and cranky and now possibly getting the stomach flu."

"Whatever." Jason says.


It snowed, so it seemed like a good time to go stock up on the bad weather essentials: light bulbs, milk, wine and pregnancy tests.

I took the first test and got two lines. And I freaked out for exactly 15 seconds. And then I realized that I'd accidentally bought the digital kind, so you aren't supposed to look at the lines, you're supposed to plug the pee stick part into a digital reader thing and wait for the LCD display to tell you your results.

(You know how on TV when someone gets a positive test another character always asks, "Are you sure you took the test correctly?" And then the woman always goes, "I think I know how to pee on a stick, moron?" Yeah. Apparently, I don't.)

Anyway. Many curse words were said. Innocent pee sticks were hurled against walls. Stomping of feet, pouting of lip, etc.

Luckily, I had to pee again like, 20 minutes later. This time? Positive. The overly-complicated test was quite sure.

"JAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOONNNN!" I shrieked in a voice that was not quite human. "IT SAYS I'M PREGNANT."

We stared at the stick in disbelief for a few minutes. Jason commented that we'd just bought a lot of wine that I wouldn't be able to drink. I think I cried. Some more.

Just to be sure, I took the last remaining test an hour later.

To: Miss Zoot
From: Amalah
Subject: Jesus Lord God in a Blanket

I have taken three pregnancy tests today.

They all said I'm pregnant.

I am freaking the fuck shit ass out, because this can't be right.

WHY did I decide to wait until the weekend to test? I am going to be a wreck by Monday. A. Wreck.

To: Amalah
From: Miss Zoot
Subject: Re: Jesus Lord God in a Blanket

Holy Crap. You're totally pregnant. You realize that dont you? I mean -  you can actually say the words "I'm pregnant" and they are TOTALLY TRUE. Because - that many tests? CAN NOT BE WRONG.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Now. The blood test numbers will tell you if your body is happy about being pregnant or not - but jesus - it doesnt matter because YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKING PREGNANT.



To: Miss Zoot
From: Amalah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: (etc.) Jesus Lord God in a Blanket


I. Fell. Down. The. Stairs. All Scarlett O'Hara like. And when the hostess came running towards me I started shrieking at her that I'M PREGNANT AND CANNOT FALL DOWN STAIRS.

And then I started crying. And everybody backed away from me in terror.

Ok, it wasn't a full flight of stairs or anything...I slipped on one stair and smacked the middle of my back on it. Still. AS IF I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO FREAK OUT ABOUT. I am not getting out of bed for the rest of my life.

Later, I tried and tried to think of a funny way to write about my fall that left out the pregnancy bit, but I couldn't. Every fictionalized version of the event ended up including alcohol, and that felt WRONG, like the word would jump off my screen and into my bloodstream and pickle my tiny embryo.

This was also the first time I said the words "I'm pregnant" out loud to anyone, and I still felt like I was lying for the sake of dramatics.


I called my doctor's office, and they were...calm. Not hysterical at all. And even more unbelievable, they apparently BELIEVED the pee stick results completely.

Amy: I took three tests this week and they were all positive so do I need a blood test and I need my beta checked and oh my God oh my God.

Them: Okay, come in on Friday for your first prenatal visit.

Amy: Pre...natal? You mean I'm actually pregnant?

Them: Don't forget your insurance card, freak.

I went to the grocery store for lunch and hit the salad bar, mentally checking off all the folic acid/calcium/iron-rich foods as I made the healthiest lunch I think I have ever eaten, topped off with bottled water, milk and orange juice.

And I also picked up a different brand of pregnancy test, which I took in the restroom, AT WORK, while humming "This Is Where It Ends" by the Barenaked Ladies.

To: Miss Doxie
From: Amalah
Subject: Re: The Thing We Talked About Last November But Never Changed The Subject Line On Any Email Since

I took another test today, in the bathroom, here at work, because I'm insane. But even more insane because I wrapped the (positive!) test up in toilet paper and put it in my purse. Because one day I may show my child how much I loved them from the start that I peed on a stick at work for them.

Maybe their first boyfriend or girlfriend would like to see it too!


At this point, I was beginning to suspect that I may be pregnant. And it just HAPPENED. By ACCIDENT. Like we were unwed crack whore teenagers.

Thanks to the Inneret, I'd learned that my due date was September 28th and that I had a really long way to go before I made it safely out of the first trimester. Which meant no posting about it. Which turned posting at all. As Mirella would later say, "I imagine it will be hard to blog when you can't blog about the one. Thing. Consuming. Your LIFE."


Jason came with me, which was awww, except that it was too early to be a fun appointment, and all he ended up witnessing was a pelvic exam, from which I'm not sure he's fully recovered.

Doctor: La la, you're fine, Tadpole is fine, see you in four weeks, get a sonogram in two, please accept this cheap photocopied booklet of clipart and stuff as your complete guide to pregnancy.

Amy: So when does it all go horribly wrong?

Doctor: Huh?

Amy: When does the bad news start? The bleeding, the blighted ovum, the tubal pregnancy?

Doctor: So I take it you spend a lot of time on the Internet?


So hi. I'm pregnant. It's still really, really early and y'all are lucky that you know about it all, because the original plan was to keep it quiet for another SIX WEEKS. But then the news kind of got away from me, as one of the rarely-mentioned symptoms of early pregnancy is that the words "I'M PREGNANT" start popping out of your mouth at every occasion.

Cashier at Grocery Store: Can I get a price check on oranges?

Amy: I'm pregnant!

Cashier at Grocery Store: Um, okay. Do you have a bonus card?

Amy: Pregnant!

I tried to keep it quiet at work though, I really did. But it just didn't work out that way and I ended up telling my boss yesterday, so clearly, what's the point in the silence?

I'm only six weeks pregnant. A hell of a lot can go wrong in the next month or so. I really hope it doesn't.  I also hope if you're a coworker, you can keep this quiet, and by that I mean please do not tell another non-Amalah-reading soul.

(I'm not sure I've ever typed a more pointless sentence, but you know, it makes me feel better to go through the motions.)

Anyway! My boobs hurt! I pee a lot! No, really, a lot! I get queasy at night! Heartburn! Constipation! By the late afternoon I'm retaining so much water my belly looks four months pregnant! None of my pants fit! And I really wasn't expecting pregnancy to be this gassy!

But after two years of nothing? It's so wonderful -- no, mind-blowingly fucking AMAZING -- to finally have something.

Even if it is just a wee tadpole who gives you gas.



Delurking to say YAY!!!!! Congrats to all THREE of you!


Congrats again!!! Should I knit you a baby sweater?? :)


Yay for you and Jason! I can imagine how hard that was to keep quiet but I can't imagine how you must be feeling...except for the gas :) Now go eat something good for you!


I'm so overjoyed for you!


Wait. Did I miss something? Are you pregnant?


So that's why you looked glowingly happy the other day! I'm very happy for you. Congratulations!



YYYEEEAAA!!! Horray! This is AWESOME!

OK, so forgive the excess, especially since I have only been reading you for a couple months but HEY! Good JOB!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!!

I have been trying at this "create your own breed of spawn" thing for a little over a year now, to no avail, so it is WONDERFUL to hear happy news floatin' round in the blog-universe.

Take care of yourself and fill us in with LOTSA LOTSA sproutling happenings.



(am whispering to be quiet and gentle around the brand-new eensy baby in you, but CONGRATULATIONS to you and Jason.)


soooooooooo happy for you.


yay! I could not be happier for you.
best dressed baby ever.


I heart you and your gassy tadpole. :)


Major Congrats. My fingers will be crossed for the next six weeks.


Yah! So happy for you, and I can appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to keep this secret from us!


De-Lurking to say congrats!!!


I'm just so happy for you, Amy. It is at this point that I will suggest going back and reading all of the Dooce archives starting approximately one year and nine months ago. Wow. You're pregnant. WOW!


OMG, congratulations! Hi. You don't know me. I've been reading your archives for, like, the last two weeks or so. I would convince myself I didn't need to read the new stuff until I could catch up on everything else. So today? I caught up. I read that you're PG! Congrats congrats. I can't say it enough. I can somewhat relate as I've tried to get pregnant by AI and took Clomid and hated it and all that shit. Still no tadpole for me yet. Oh, and also? Congrats to Jason's swimmers.


Already you have that healthy glow!


I am de-lurking for the first time EVER to say two things:
One is congratulations to you, Jason, and the tadpole.
Second maybe the gas is from all the folic-acid/iron rich food products you are consuming.
Also Charlie Sheen said the reason his big eyebrowed wife was able to whore it up so fast after having their baby was because she always remembered the baby was "like, only four ounces. No reason to pig out."


I propose a champagne toast to your gas (or sparkling cider if you prefer)! Three cheers for tadpolalah!


CONGRATS! I will be sending you and your fetus good wishes. =)


Congrats, again. I'm so happy for you! So much so that it outweighs my disappointment that there will be no drunk posts for the next 8 months.

Real Girl

OK. In times like these, one must say over and over and over: Kain ein horeh. Pronounced "Kinna-hurra" and used by yiddish grandmas everywhere to KEEP AWAY THE EVIL EYE!

Given that "Amalah" comes from the yiddish necessity to affectionately add "alah" to every name's first syllable, I thought you'd appreciate...

I'm sorry, I don't know how to keep away the Evil Nose, or the Evil Ear, or any other Evil Body Parts.


Heeee. Gas-giving tadpole.

You should start the photo documentation process! We want to see the radiant, maternal glow. And the not-yet-pregnant-looking tummy.

Gypsy Mommy

SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Congratulations and many belly bug hugs!!!


Congratulations! Thinking good thoughts for you.

suzanna danna

Huzzah... to you and the wee peppercorn/zygote. Congrats again.


Did you hear the heartbeat? I cried when I heard my little one for the first time. It just makes it all so real!

Oh! and Congratulations! =D


Grattis!! (swedish)

I'm so happy for you! After so much frustration and waiting. THis is the best news I've heard all day. YAY FOR AMALAH!


I found out about my first pregnancy at four weeks, and was a total basket case about everything for...well, ever since, actually, but that's because I'm nuts, not because of the angelbaby. Anyway, the fact that you made it to six weeks is really awesome, and you will almost definitely see heartbeat flickers at your sonogram in two weeks (I saw them at 7 weeks,) which is even more awesome. Remember that ice-cream has the necessary calcium that baby needs to grow strong, and that everything else is OK in moderation as well (well, not crack or heroin, but most everything else.)

Enjoy this first part, where your boobs get bigger, but your belly isn't really starting to yet. I mean, I always felt like my whole self was getting big, but no one notices belly-pooch until you're about 6 months into it. And screw anyone who tells you you're not gaining the right amount of weight- as long as the doctor says it's OK, you gain whatever you damned well want to, because are growing a whole new life in you, and that means you can eat whatever you damned well want to!




Hooray for you and your wee family! So happy to hear your news!
...slipping back to lurkerdom...but faithful reading!


This is gonna be SUCH a great ride! Wheeeee--- and you were thinking Winter just wasn't gonna have any good blog content . . Hahahahahah--


Yay again!
Now, it seems to be the tradition to name the internet fetus for blogging purposes......I'm liking the "gassy tadpole", as Mir put Well, just a suggestion.


Congrats! May it be an uneventful pregnancy where the worst you experience is stretch marks and unsual food cravings.


Hooray for you and Jason! So happy to hear this wonderful news - I'll be looking forward to every queasy post!


Amalah, I lurve you. I hope you post lots of stuff about pregnancy that is this hilarious, so that all of us wistful non-pregnant people can live vicariously.


Aw, Good for you!


The little shit is already doing what it's supposed to, ruin your life- make you think of it first- and you LOVE doing it. It's so messed up and so great! Congratulations!


aww! yay! I'm so very happy for you! :D


So here I am at work and I get a notice thingee that you have a new entry. I, being the most dedicated employee in the world, have to check it out. Right that second. Then I scream loudly when I realize that you are pregnant. I scare the pepople in my office. Oh did I mention that I work with the mentally ill? Not the greatest move but YEAH FOR YOU!!!!!!


Congrats again!
Sorry you fell down the stairs. I'm sure that when I get pregnant I'll do the same blurting it out thing to random people. Hee.
Enjoy it and keep us updated!


Congrats, again!


THAT'S AMAZING NEWS!!! Congratulations and enjoy all of the great things about being pregnant - morning sickness and the uncontrollable urge to pee are not great things - all the other things are!!!!! Again, congrats!

Scarlett Cyn


(um, get the point here?)

Congratulations Amy and Jason! I am so happy for you. I'm even happier that you didn't have to take the evil Clomid to get youreselves knocked up ! Yaay! WHOOT!

Much love. (Don't belive me? I'm gonna give you a shout out on my blog!)


ok. I'm waiting for the obligatory "pee stick photo"

Or am I the only one sick enough to actually post that? heh.

Congrats again.


I TOTALLY have my pee stick. It's in the baby memories box and it's fucking PRICELESS.

I did manage to wait an entire week to tell his dad on our five year anniversary, though. Secrets are a bitch!

And you are due a day before my son turns two, which is a damn fine day to have a baby, if you ask me.

No one could deserve this more. (And I mean that in the nice way, not the snarky, just-wait-till-you-have-a-toddler way.) That baby is one lucky little tadpole.


I'm back again. I've read this entry like ninety billion times because its THAT FREAKIN' AWESOME.

But, I just understood the part about Jason witnessing the pelvic exam and I just had to say "Wow." I havent let MrZ enjoy that part of the visits yet, I fear he's not quite ready.

Now. Back to the elated pregnancy talking.


I'm delurking to wish you my congratulations. I read your blog everyday at work and it really helps keep the boredom away. Take care of yourself!


That's fantastic! Congratulations!


3 words: pee stick photo. What are you WAITING for???!


Congratulations, Amalah! That is the most wonderful news ever in the whole wide universe of all time. Really. CONGRATULATIONS!!!


Oh just yay! Babies are begininng to abound in the blogosphere! Wow. Alliteration.

type a

what? you're pregnant? what?

yay and yay and yay! and squee!


Another de-lurker saying YAY! I'm very much looking forward to many more awesome baby posts!


Congratulations and very best wishes!!! May everything be just as wonderful as you two want it to be.

(And now back to lurking.....)


Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! I wish you the best!


Heyyyyy, congratulations to you and Jason! Wonderful news!

Anne A.

YAAAAAAY! Go Amalah and Jason, you BOTH rock!

Lisa B

Yeay YOU! Welcome to the Parent'hood. You'll never sleep again. Really, YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

SO very happy for you too. I'm sure your child will be georgous, smart, funny and spirited.

Oh and I kept the pee stick that showed I was pregnant with my kiddo too. hee hee.

Start hinting now that you want jewelry, plastic surgery or some other highly expensive thing now instead of chocolates or flowers for the big delivery day. heehee.

And another thing, prepare for a serious case of "The Stupids" because most chicks get them and keep them the entire pregnancy. My child is 2 1/2 and I STILL have them. :-)


OMG OMG OMG, de-lurking to say a huge congratulations to you both!


I am so happy for you. I have been following you site for a little while now, and all I can say is thank you for giving me something fun to read at work. Hope everything works out great during your pregnancy. You deserved it. Big congratulatory hug from Anette


You know I'm thrilled. And I won't tell anybody in my hallway, although if you're eight months along and still taking tests in the bathroom, that one'll be on you! :D

Fraulein N

Congrats, again. You are so cute with the healthy lunch, and the peeing at work. I can't believe I just typed that, but it WAS cute, 'cause it was for a good cause.


yay for you!!! :)


Now go buy some baby Uggs!


A gas-giving tadpole, wonderful! I'm so PROUD of you for getting knocked up! Congratulations.


Delurking to say congratulations to you both!! Enjoy every minute of it and sleep as much as possible!!


Just quasy delurking again to say congratulations!!!!
Thats completely amazingly awesome!


I can see I'm the 70th-or-so person to tell you this (and JUST on this post!), but I. AM. SO. HAPPY. FOR. YOU. For real. I got a cold chill reading about all the happiness. It's about time. :)


Congrats, Amy and Jason! What wonderful, exciting, happy news.


hey, hey, hey Amy and Jason -- v. cool. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you for the next 18 years. and here's what you have to look forward to... quote from my daughter (who was three at the time): "Mommy, you're the least funniest one of our family. Daddy's funny. Zeke's funny. (that would be her one-year-old brother. n). I'm funny. But you're not so funny."

much love and here's to bliss.


Congratulations! I, too, am very excited for you! did say that you were pregnant, I on the right Blog? I had to scroll down so far to post a comment, I could be anywhere by now! Snort..enjoy!


Amy, that is such good news!! All the best wishes to you and your family. :) Very, very happy for you!!! :)


MANY CONGRATS! Have you started thinking of names?




I know you have enough comments to read, but I am very happy for you. I have another friend trying her hardest for baby #2, and it sucks to watch people you know (even Web-know) go through that kind of stress. Good for you!


Forgot to mention that when I had morning sickness, they told me it was a good sign and meant the placenta was developing well!


Oh, honey, I'm so thrilled for you. Pregnancy is totally gassy. All gas, all the time.


Congrats! And still have both my old pregnancy test(it's been 2.5 years). Pregnancy makes you do wierd things!

Sarcastic Journalist

amy, i didn't read all the way to the bottom yesterday. I'M SORRY. Congrats! Congrats! Congrats! All the heartburn and constipation and stuff will go away! And then you'll be big!

How long till you buy the maternity clothes? Come're looking. I know it.

CONGRATS! I am so happy for you.


A baby! That is the BEST kind of news. Congratulations Amy & Jason! Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy...gassiness, bloating, puking and all that fun stuff non-withstanding! ;o)


Ok I'm finally de-lurking even though I should have done that on de-lurking day.

Congratulations to you and Jason, and I wish you 34 (give or take a week or 2) more weeks of bliss, good health, and pampering because you're pregnant! Yay!


Congrats! I swear, there is some virus stalking on the internet that is causing all sorts of bloggers to get knocked up! Congrats to you and Jason, see, something always happens when you least expect it! Best of luck to you these next few weeks.


Woot! You're pregnant!

OMG! You're pregnant!

And also, pregnant!!


I'm a stubborn lurker, but I had to come out from under the covers to say, pregnant! yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Pregnancies abound...the inneret must be growing up.


What wonderful news! Congratulations & best wishes to you & Jason!!!

Have you told Max & Ceiba yet?


JESUS! Don't come here for a few days and you're all getting knocked up. Ha! I just said knocked up. Congratulations and good luck! Now, just how small do they make those baby uggs?

Chris (The Ugg picture girl)

AMalah!! Congrats girl, I feel your pain, now if my fucking ovaries would only cooperate. I am so happy for you. I've been married for 11 and a half years, had one miscarriage and been on the clomid so many times, I am now cerfiably psychotic, though I haven't had it in like four damn years. So GIRL, you give me hope, we are on vacation and the hubby's in for a workout. Dammit, if Amalah can do it, so the fuck can I. You go girl. I wish you and the tadpole all the happiness your heart can hold.


Ohmigod! I am so damned happy for you!!! Squeeeee! Oh, and this: "This was also the first time I said the words "I'm pregnant" out loud to anyone, and I still felt like I was lying for the sake of dramatics" pretty much NEVER goes away. I had a gut like John Candy on a bad day, with actual, visible body parts poking the fuck out of it and I still couldn't quite wrap my brain around the fact that I really truly was pregnant and going to be a mommy. I was sure someone was going to show up and call my bluff at any second.


Meeen, i've missed some big stories. Busy too, although nothing to do with tadpoles.

Gefeliciteerd! (Congrats)



also -- my BFF and i were reading you and snarkywood the other day and were lamenting how sad it was that such a hilarious chick was being deprived the opportunity to be a hilarious/awesome mom. so now we are BOTH giddy for you.


Oh wow! I guess I'm just a tad(pole) behind! Congratulations! I had a feeling that you were pregnant when you were really stressed. When I'm pregnant (before I know I'm pj) I cannot handle stress AT ALL. I just KNEW you were pregant. Congratulations again! Big x's to you and Jason :)

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