Wednesday Advice Smackdown
SpongeBob PukePants

The Weekend, Part One

We went to Philly this weekend, y'all! And I hung out with Diana and I ate cheesesteaks and have lots of stories about it.


I had my second prenatal appointment today, in all its boringness. Three highlights:

The nurse called to me in the waiting area and told me I could go ahead and use the bathroom, which I thought was nice of her, as I ALWAYS have to use the bathroom. But it turns out that "go ahead and use the bathroom" is a secret OB code for "go pee in a specimen cup." I did not know this and did not pee in the specimen cup. The code was then explained to me and I was shown the self-serve specimen cup station that I am to familiarize myself with from now on.


After Specimencupgate, and my sincere promise that I would most certainly have to pee again by the end of my visit, I stepped on the scale.

Get this, I've LOST WEIGHT.

Despite my best efforts, and the efforts of about 346 orders of Chicken McNuggets and 143 bags of Doritos, I'm losing weight. The damned morning/afternoon/evening sickness has deprived my body of all the essential fatty goodness that one would usually get if one usually consumed eight or nine mini-Twix Bars every day. I'm wearing nothing but maternity clothes now and am actually sporting a noticeable little bump, yet the bump appears to contain nothing but featherdown pillows and air. Possibly helium.

Clearly, I need more milkshakes.

THEN, the doctor came in, revealed that the ultrasound place never sent over the ultrasound films or the ultrasound report, so he could not review it with me and tell me what a perfect and clearly indestructible embryo I'm carrying.

THEN, he whipped out the little doppler thingie.

Him: Now, it's probably too early to this to pick up the heartbeat, so don't panic if we can't hear it.

Me: Oh, I know. It's about a week or two too early. Is okay.

Him: Right. So don't panic.

Me: Right. Right right.

Him: *starts searching for heartbeat*

Me: *oh shit*

Him: Nope, too early. Next visit! Don't panic!

Me: *panics*

And that was that. Go pee in cup. See you in four weeks. Try to fucking eat something already.

Now I am at home, where I should be packing, but I am not packing, because I am TIRED and PREGNANT and need to have a good talk with my baby regarding the polite volume for one's heartbeat.


Then I should pack. We're taking a weekend trip to Philadelphia, where we will be going to see Carbon Leaf with Diana, and staying in a nice hotel and eating lots and lots of room service. Hopefully. Because damn, I can throw up at home for FREE.

Also, Ceiba will be staying at a PET RESORT. No, seriously. Mostly because we totally forgot about her until like, yesterday, and our vet had no room to board her. So she's going to board at a place that sounds even nicer than our nice hotel. She's getting a SUITE, people. With rooms and everything.

I'm so excited for her.  I wish I could send her with a camera to take pictures.

Max will be staying home alone, because I trust him not to throw loud parties.

Another reason I am not packing: delivery food trauma. Earlier this evening my stomach and I decided that the only thing I could eat tonight was paneer makhani from this one Indian restaurant near us. So we ordered, and it was delivered, and there was no paneer makhani.  And I swear to God, I cried. And I said the f-word many, many more times than was really necessary. And then Jason sighed, put down his fork (they got HIS fucking food right, naturally), put on his coat and drove out in the cold to obtain my paneer makhani.

Welcome to pregnancy, baby. Isn't it the greatest thing EVER?



well, at least it's good for getting what you want out of your husband. Go ahead and milk that for the next 6 or 7 months.


You make me sccccuuuurrrreeeeddd of pregnancy!

Dr. Johnny Fever

I have no idea what paneer makhani is, but one assumes it is made of the same ground-up and pressed chicken beaks, claws and asses as McNuggets. Maybe with a little curry powder mixed in? Sounds good.


I'm glad your first doctor visit went well for ya. I didn't hear either one of my daughers' heartbeats at the first visit either. Enjoy this because when they get to be 6 and 9 (like mine are) you can't get them to shut up.

And what's the deal with the ultrasound? Gah!


Wasn't Paneer Makhani in Eight Mile with Eminem?


Obviously, you need to supplement those McNuggets and Doritos with some Pop Tarts now and again. We can't have you becoming a stick figure with a bump, now, can we? I hope your allthedamnedtime sickness abates soon so you can spend the next several months satisfying inexplicable cravings.

Is it totally weird that I cried a little bit when I found out you were pregnant? Must be the shared Amy Beth thing. Congratulations to you and Jason! Now go eat something!


I once got home from the grocery store only to find that I had everything I'd purchased EXCEPT the foot-long turkey/swiss deli sandwich I had made for me. It was even on the receipt!! I called, complained, and a Bagger drove out to my apartment in his Honda Civic to bring me my sandwich, Bizzich! Ask and yee shall receive is now my official motto!


Your husband rocks. When I was pregnant with my first, my husband drove over an hour to get me the crab legs I was craving. I'm not sure why he had to drive over an hour for seafood, in a town near the ocean, but oh well. I got my carb legs and he got a happy wife.


Carbon Leaf so totally rock. I saw them last night at the 9:30 club, where they were opening for Big Head Todd and the Monsters. Terrific show. So terrific that I went home and purchased "Indian Summer" off of the iTunes Music Store.

Anytime you go from "who?" to "OMG, I MUST buy their stuff!", you know you've stumbled into something special.

Yeah, that sounds corny, but I'm suffering from acute sleep deprivation...

RockStar Mommy

Okay, you came to Philly and totally didn't call me! I hate you! We could have done weird pregnant stuff together! Like rubbed our belly's together or something equally as creepy.
Really. I'm done talking to you. For the next 5 minutes, anyway.


I've said it before, and you've just confirmed it for me: Talking to Actual Pregnant Women is the Best. Birth Control. Ever. Seriously.

Nine months of barfing? I think not. Pass the condoms.

(Also, glad to see Jason is totally taking care of you and your tempermental stomach. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.)


Umm... Might not make you feel better, but I had something I was TOTALLY going to leave in the comments. And now I have no idea what it was. And I'm not pregnant and so have no excuse. GAH!

Oh, oh!!! I remembered! Here: I love you for recommending the foundation brush. It makes me pathetically happy.


Mmmmm, Philly cheesesteaks. Where did you happen to get yours from? One of the famous places like Pat's or Geno's? Mine was from Pat's and was very, very good.


I completely agree with Dawnie! Anytime I start thinking about how great it would be to have a baby and oh! Look at these tiny clothes, how cute! I either 1)Read your current post or 2)Go to WalMart and find a family with 8 screaming bratty kids.
Works every time...

Oh, and my friend kept losing weight too so don't worry, it happens to alot of people.


I've cried & cursed over botched Indian food many times, and I am not pregnant. Don't feel bad!!


Why do doctors feel the need to give /non-existent directions re: pee specimen? If you want me to pee in a cup, you're going to need to tell me. That whole "you can go use the restroom now" and "why don't you empty your bladder?" stuff flies right over the head of a frequent pee-er like me. I just figure, "Yeah, why DON'T I go pee? It's been about 15 minutes since my last trip to the bathroom..."

And I'm not even pregnant. So sad.


I LOVE Indian food. Gah thanks for bringing THAT up! :0P

Sarcastic Journalist

i lost weight as well but ended up gaining 28 pounds. you can always ask for the meds if you feel you need it...but the "eat all you want" can be kind of fun.


Dear Amy, just imagine you reach like 8-9th month, and you'll have to go EACH week to monitor the baby's activities :)
When I was carrying my son (now aged 8), he used to sleep over these visits. Means almost no heartbeat, no movement. In fact, he was asleep. My doctor sent my to climbing the stairs in the building. 3 levels, all the way up and down, do it at least 3 times. Now, back to the ultra-sound room.
Me: *ah, ah, I AM tired*
Baby's heart: Thump, thump, thump.
Lady: Now, we got him, see?
Me: *very funny, indeed* aloud: Oh, yes. yes.
Baby: *Now, let's get some sleep*
Lady: Oh, he's asleep again.
Me: *My kind of boy. Just does not like to get disturbed in the middle of his precious sleep.* Aloud: Oh, yes. yes.

Have a happy pregnancy all the way to the end :)


Isn't there a special flavor of WRONG in calling your own child a motherfucker?
I'm just asking.
Then again, sometimes I like to refer to my precious sons as S.O.B.'s, just 'cause it makes me giggle.

Scarlett Cyn

I lost 42 pounds while I was pregnant with Arianna. Best damn diet I ever went on. Heh.

Hmmm, I think I need to get knocked up again. Now if only my goddamn ovaries would cooperate with me on this brilliant idea.

Probally not.

I craved chocolate iced devils food donughts. I made hubby drive EVERYWHERE FOR THEM. I mean for hours and shit people. I threw them up, but on the bright side? They were good going down and coming back up! Can't say that for the Penne Arribiata, but, well.

Hope your tummy is settled down soon Amy. I'm sure you are a perfectly gorgeous pregnant lady.

With all my barfing? Gatorade saved my ass (And Arianna too.) You'll be fine puss.


I wish I would have known you were coming to Philly!!! We could have hung out!!! Even though you have no idea who I am!!! I will stop using multiple exclamation points now!!! I Your presence in the same damn city as me finally prompted me to de-lurk. Hope you had fun.

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