Mocking Stupid People is Fun
March 24, 2005
I'm back in burritos, y'all!
In what may be the clearest sign yet that the second trimester will be infinitely more bearable than the first, I am eating a Chipotle barbacoa burrito for lunch today. With MEAT. And HOT SALSA. and OTHER FOOD PRODUCTS THAT ARE NOT SALTINES.
And yesterday, while working from home, I made about 45 bowls of delicious, delicious grits for myself, all of which required boiling water. Up until about three days ago, the smell of boiling water made me throw up. (And don't tell me boiling water doesn't have a smell. It DOES and it's HORRIFIC.)
Anyway. This could be the beginning of the end of all the puking talk. But let's not jinx things. Instead, I would like to share with you some of the very stupid things pregnant women post on message boards.
I get about a dozen pregnancy e-newsletters, all of which I signed up for the day after my positive test result, because I really needed 400 different sources reminding me that I was pregnant!pregnant!pregnant! on a daily basis.
You know, in case I forgot.
All of these newsletters are linked back to various pregnancy sites (iVillage, BabyCenter, WebMD, etc.) where you can read tons of articles about every possible pregnancy concern, see how ugly your embryo is and get yelled at about not exercising. Or, if you're like me, you can troll around the message boards and make fun of the things women ask about.
just wondering if cream cheese would be considered a soft cheese and we should not eat it. I love cream cheese but have been hesitant to eat it just in case?
Holy shit, people. The soft cheese thing is killing me. Somewhere along the line, it was determined that pregnant women were too stupid to understand big words like "unpasteurized" and now we have women scared to eat pizza because "cooking makes the cheese all melty and soft." Of course, this comment was posted as a reply to an in-depth article that did use the word "unpasteurized", so maybe pregnant women really are that stupid.
(Oh, and to the woman who keeps posting the same comment over and over about how her fetus died from a listeria infection brought on by Kraft American cheese singles? Please shut up.)
When is too soon to get in a tanning bed I may be pregnant I am not sure. How long should I wait after trying to concieve? And does tanning effect conception?
Tanning WILL "effect" conception, but only if your RE is attempting to do an IUI at the same time and accidentally leaves the syringe of your partner's sperm on the tanning bed for more than 20 minutes.
tanning also has cooked peoples insides, from over doing it... i would not want to risk doing that to my child. I would defanitly stick to self tanners... or lay out in the sun a little at a time not as hazardus as tanning beds.. with a low spf at least a 4 well more on your face... is better... but don't be selfish it is only a few months that you are going to think about your baby over yourself...
I would defanitly say that you also need to shut up. Although thanks for pointing out that "it is only a few months that you are going to think about your baby over yourself." A lot of women forget that once the baby is born, it totally will take care of itself while you lie around tanning beds all day eating cream cheese without a care in the world.
WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT SOMETIMES WE CRAVE CERTAIN FOODS. THAT'S HOW I KNEW I WAS WITH CHILD BECAUSE OF THE STONG CRAVING OF TUNA. THIS IS VERY FRIGHTENING INFORMATION TO ME.
i am only 12 weeks pregnant and just got my newsletter for this week and was shocked to see a photo of a 5-month pregnant woman at the top of it. please redo the photos as this is very disconcerting to me.
I bet you're the type who sends soup back at restaurants because it's too hot. Please shut up.
Because of all the shocking and disconcerting things in the world, a photo of what your belly doesn't quite look like yet kind of pales in comparison to say, a big brother government creating legislation that inferferes with the private health decisions of its citizens because the same people who bomb abortion clinics have decided to take a very sad story and turn it into a political platform. Or if the governor of your state decided to demand custody of your family member because he didn't agree with your medical decisions. And how's about banning gay marriage while refusing to honor the rights that a male-female marriage gives you in regards to guardianship of your spouse because a big brother government thinks that you were a less-than-perfect spouse, because naturally, a big brother government has the right to be the moral judge of us all? Huh?
THAT's fucking disconcerting. Go make a living will for yourself and stop kvetching about your damn pregnancy newsletters.
(Breathes. Sorry. Am done now and will never attempt current-event-like commentary again. Is tiring.)
Is it safe to get pedicures, i know you are not suppose to go in jacuzzi's or saunas, what about the foot soak from a pedicure?
Only if you are carrying your baby in your feet. Call your doctor and demand an ultrasound right now to rule out this possibility, which occurs in one out of every 140,000 pregnancies where the mother is really, really stupid. Also stop wearing high heels until you know for sure that you do not have an embryo in your instep.
CAN THE DOCTORS REALLY TELL IF YOU SMOKED WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT IF YOU TOLD THEM YOU DID NOT.
Right, because what the doctor doesn't know can't hurt your baby.
Is it safe to use vibraters when you are pregnant?
Safe and 100% effective.
I am going on 17 weeks tomorrow. My mom keeps telling me I need to wear loser pants to let the baby move around. Does this hurt them??
Okay, that's it, we're done. I'm officially slamming my head against the wall now.
Wait. Could slamming my head against the wall hurt my baby? Shit. I better ask the Internet.