The Death of Dignity
Dreams of Baby & Expired Car Insurance

Mocking Stupid People is Fun

I'm back in burritos, y'all!

In what may be the clearest sign yet that the second trimester will be infinitely more bearable than the first, I am eating a Chipotle barbacoa burrito for lunch today. With MEAT. And HOT SALSA. and OTHER FOOD PRODUCTS THAT ARE NOT SALTINES.

And yesterday, while working from home, I made about 45 bowls of delicious, delicious grits for myself, all of which required boiling water. Up until about three days ago, the smell of boiling water made me throw up. (And don't tell me boiling water doesn't have a smell. It DOES and it's HORRIFIC.)

Anyway. This could be the beginning of the end of all the puking talk. But let's not jinx things. Instead, I would like to share with you some of the very stupid things pregnant women post on message boards.

I get about a dozen pregnancy e-newsletters, all of which I signed up for the day after my positive test result, because I really needed 400 different sources reminding me that I was pregnant!pregnant!pregnant! on a daily basis.

You know, in case I forgot.

All of these newsletters are linked back to various pregnancy sites (iVillage, BabyCenter, WebMD, etc.) where you can read tons of articles about every possible pregnancy concern, see how ugly your embryo is and get yelled at about not exercising. Or, if you're like me, you can troll around the message boards and make fun of the things women ask about.

just wondering if cream cheese would be considered a soft cheese and we should not eat it. I love cream cheese but have been hesitant to eat it just in case?

Holy shit, people. The soft cheese thing is killing me. Somewhere along the line, it was determined that pregnant women were too stupid to understand big words like "unpasteurized" and now we have women scared to eat pizza because "cooking makes the cheese all melty and soft." Of course, this comment was posted as a reply to an in-depth article that did use the word "unpasteurized", so maybe pregnant women really are that stupid.

(Oh, and to the woman who keeps posting the same comment over and over about how her fetus died from a listeria infection brought on by Kraft American cheese singles? Please shut up.)

When is too soon to get in a tanning bed I may be pregnant I am not sure. How long should I wait after trying to concieve? And does tanning effect conception?

Tanning WILL "effect" conception, but only if your RE is attempting to do an IUI at the same time and accidentally leaves the syringe of your partner's sperm on the tanning bed for more than 20 minutes.

tanning also has cooked peoples insides, from over doing it... i would not want to risk doing that to my child. I would defanitly stick to self tanners... or lay out in the sun a little at a time not as hazardus as tanning beds.. with a low spf at least a 4 well more on your face... is better... but don't be selfish it is only a few months that you are going to think about your baby over yourself...

I would defanitly say that you also need to shut up. Although thanks for pointing out that "it is only a few months that you are going to think about your baby over yourself." A lot of women forget that once the baby is born, it totally will take care of itself while you lie around tanning beds all day eating cream cheese without a care in the world.

WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT SOMETIMES WE CRAVE CERTAIN FOODS. THAT'S HOW I KNEW I WAS WITH CHILD BECAUSE OF THE STONG CRAVING OF TUNA. THIS IS VERY FRIGHTENING INFORMATION TO ME.

Noted.

i am only 12 weeks pregnant and just got my newsletter for this week and was shocked to see a photo of a 5-month pregnant woman at the top of it. please redo the photos as this is very disconcerting to me.

I bet you're the type who sends soup back at restaurants because it's too hot. Please shut up.

Because of all the shocking and disconcerting things in the world, a photo of what your belly doesn't quite look like yet kind of pales in comparison to say, a big brother government creating legislation that inferferes with the private health decisions of its citizens because the same people who bomb abortion clinics have decided to take a very sad story and turn it into a political platform. Or if the governor of your state decided to demand custody of your family member because he didn't agree with your medical decisions. And how's about banning gay marriage while refusing to honor the rights that a male-female marriage gives you in regards to guardianship of your spouse because a big brother government thinks that you were a less-than-perfect spouse, because naturally, a big brother government has the right to be the moral judge of us all? Huh?

THAT's fucking disconcerting. Go make a living will for yourself and stop kvetching about your damn pregnancy newsletters.

(Breathes. Sorry. Am done now and will never attempt current-event-like commentary again. Is tiring.)

Is it safe to get pedicures, i know you are not suppose to go in jacuzzi's or saunas, what about the foot soak from a pedicure?

Only if you are carrying your baby in your feet. Call your doctor and demand an ultrasound right now to rule out this possibility, which occurs in one out of every 140,000 pregnancies where the mother is really, really stupid. Also stop wearing high heels until you know for sure that you do not have an embryo in your instep.

CAN THE DOCTORS REALLY TELL IF YOU SMOKED WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT IF YOU TOLD THEM YOU DID NOT.

Right, because what the doctor doesn't know can't hurt your baby.

Is it safe to use vibraters when you are pregnant?

Safe and 100% effective.

I am going on 17 weeks tomorrow. My mom keeps telling me I need to wear loser pants to let the baby move around. Does this hurt them??

Okay, that's it, we're done. I'm officially slamming my head against the wall now.

Wait. Could slamming my head against the wall hurt my baby? Shit. I better ask the Internet.

Comments

kalisah

holy shit people are stupid. I'm surprised god lets them have children.

Junebug

What the heck are "loser" pants?

Tjej

Holy crap. Are people really that stupid? Are people who are going to be PARENTS really that stupid? I know nothing, I mean NOTHING, about pregnancy but even I want to slam my head against a wall after reading all of that.

oh God help us all

shawnessy

Loser pants, you know. The ones you're wearing after you drop salsa or spaghetti sauce on them during lunch and have to give a presentation at work later in the day. Or the ones you wear when you're getting too fat to fit into your "non-loser" pants.
I'm wearing some now.
But I won't tell you if they're style 1 or style 2 (see above)... heh heh.

alfredsmom

I work in a very open (architurally) office. Because of your funniness, I have to mask my giggles with coughs. Thanks. Thanks a lot. And it is hard to answer the phone ( my job) while laughing. I especially liked the tanning beds and cream cheese part. I look forward to one day when I have a child and I can relax at the tanning bed with my cheese. ( perhaps the bed will soften the cheese even more so)

SpaceCase

Oh wow! I should never be allowed to have babies, because I didn't know until today that you can carry them in your feet without knowing it! I mean, that must be true, right, because I read it on the internet!

cheryl b.

Are you fucking kidding me? You crack my shit up.

Martha

I used to go to those websites when pregnant with Donovan. My favorite was the woman who was "bending over to pick up a grape Jolly Rancher and felt something go pop and oh my god DID I JUST BRAKE MY BABY?"

Martha

I used to go to those websites when pregnant with Donovan. My favorite was the woman who was "bending over to pick up a grape Jolly Rancher and felt something go pop and oh my god DID I JUST BRAKE MY BABY?"

joaaanna

Loser Pants! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

BRAKE MY BABY! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Stop it - I'm at work here!

maricar

*snort* Ohmigah! My 9 month old is staring at me laugh my ass off. She's all like, "Whatever mom, you were just like those people." LMAO!!

Kathryn

Amalah, you have SO got to start a Thursday Advice Smackdown for stupid pregnant women!

Good god, people. How are such stupid people allowed to procreate??? THIS is something the Big Brother government health care decisionmakers should be regulating!!!

supine

Hilarious post. It's like that line in "Parenthood," where Keanu Reeves is all, "You need a license to catch a fish, but they'll let any old asshole be a father."

Nicole

I found out I was pregnant and started reading infertility blogs. They were (are) far more useful than the pregnancy boards, which are capable of causing a miscarriage, what with all the banging of one's head against the wall. Assuming your pregnancy is located in your forehead.

Amanda

I decided to stay away from the message boards when I was pregnant after I figured out the age of the average poster was approximately 14.7 years old. Those women scare me.

Dabney

I'm just trying to figure out how you read those boards without having seizures from the blinking things and the smiley faces and the rest of that stuff.

Dr. Johnny Fever

I remember reading some similar boards when I was disgnosed as clinically depressed. Oy! The side effects they describe! Turns out one in five people who take Zoloft have experienced hardcore priapism and/or have had a small Ethiopian man named Kip crawl out of their ass.

L

Have you seen this website that documents the horrible baby names floating around the internet? And sadly, the world?

And yes, if I had been drinking, this post would have made me spray beer out my nose. (ooh! I should go drink beer! I'm not pregnant, is it safe for me to drink?)

Lisa

How did these women figure out the penis goes in the vagina? I would bet they thought you could get pregnant sitting on a toilet seat. Don't tell my mom you can't by the way.

Yes I took a brief foray into current event blogging a couple of days ago. Same issue. I agree with you. Made my head hurt.

Jenn

I, too, visited a number of these websites when I found out I was pregnant.

Between the flashing animations and the lack of brain activity taking place, I couldn't leave the sites fast enough.

I believe that the world is being taken over by idiots. Sad, but true.

I must admit that I do enjoy such commentary, at least such moronic behavior can serve a purpose.

Mary

HAH! That was so completely awesome. Please make mocking the pregnancy message boards a regular feature for the duration of your pregnancy...I was laughing outloud at this.

Also, congrats on the burrito! WAIT! It didn't have cheese on it, did it? Because if the cheese was next to the hot meat it could have gotten SOFT! Oh noooooo!

Real Girl

I once had an embryo in my instep. Until I killed it with a Kraft American Cheese single.

Damn you, Kraft singles!

Anne A.

HA! Hahaha! Hee. I only wear my loser pants on the way to the sauna, where I eat soft cheese by the gallon.

Erin

hahahahaha!

oh, people crack me up!!! although its a bit scary at how dumb some people are.

deb

I'm Dr.Johnny's sis. Hi.

I know being pregnant made me feel stupider and now that I've got two littles running around I feel even stupider than I did then sometimes, but godallmighty! I think those loser pants are in order. In fact, I think I'm gonna get me some. There are days. Loser pants...

Dig your 'tude. Love the cranky pants!

Chris

..I'll bet people tell you all sorts of horrible birth stories, and they think THEY are the only ones who went through such a thing, right? Drove me fucking nuts during my own pregnancy and I miscarried at eleven weeks! Geez! I would have hated 40 weeks of that bullshit. lol People have horrible births, they miscarry, then there are the majority who have perfectly healthy babies, and I'll bet everyone of them ate cream cheese, dammit. lol Stupid people are just downright scary. But they sure are funny! Hee!

B Watson

1) you are fucking hysterical - pardon my language, I hope no one finds it disconcerting.

2) when my mother passed away, the only thing my brothers and I fought over was a picture of her, clearly very pregnant, with a drink (screwdriver) in one hand and a cigarette in the other. we don't know which of us it was, but we turned out OK. probably because she avoided soft cheese.

3) boiling water smells? hmm, I haven't heard that strangeness, but for a short period my wife (20 weeks) thought everything smelled like corn, but now her nose detects dust wherever we go. you guys don't get a break...

Dawn

just had my baby 3 months ago. i drove myself insane reading the Ivillage pregnancy board, until my husband finally made me stop.
want to really spark things up? post something to the effect of i had 1/4 glass of wine / ate some sushi / took a mildly warm bath DID I KILL MY BABY!!!! i guarantee 54 responses before the end of the day.
your site is hysterical, just stumbled upon it for the first time.

Carrie

Yikes. I was reading those boards with my first pregnancy, too. (Stayed away with the second, older, wiser, yadda, yadda). The average poster seems to be awfully conservative as well...

MamaKaren

My bad mommy confessions: I ate a lot of cream cheese during my last pregnancy, because we have bagels every Friday (I did skip the lox, tho.) I also ate lunch meat with all three of them. I had a pedicure, too, in my eighth month. And I took Tylenol. My yogurt has aspartame in it. I periodically indulged in a caramel macchiato. I reached up over my head to get things on high shelves, even though my co-worker told me I would strangle the baby with his umbilical cord.

I guess I should have been wearing loser pants to show the world how awful I was.

Fraulein N

My God, these people are PROCREATING. They are going to be RAISING CHILDREN. Who will most likely be as stupid as they are. Someone please stop them!

But loser pants, hee hee.

bd

Can I crave dirt and bleach? Can it hurt my baby? I love that one. People are SOOO stupid. But I have to admit, I gave into the sushi yesterday. It was only a California roll but damn, it was good. What do pregnant Japanese women eat??

ktbug

Oh Amalah - how I do loave you and your incredible sense of humor. Hysterical and yet frightening. My bet is that the folks talking about "loser" pants, breaking babies, cooking babies or embryos in the feet are the same (i must correct a previous poster) "butt-reaming assholes" they let be parents...and President. Also, my godmother used to dip our pacifiers in her scotch when we were teething. My grandmother's o.b. told her when she was pregnant with my mom to "cut back" on her smoking to 1/2 pack/day. Information and progress IS good, but TOO much information will give you an OCD! Oh, and another friend of mine (okay it was the 70's) got busted by the nurse smoking a doob in the bathroom of her hospital room after having her son.

Hot Wife

I am Dr. Johnny's hot wife.

I sure hope someone has told you to stop reading tons of pregnancy stuff and start reading some baby stuff. God knows you won't have time once your precious little angel with no owner's manual arrives.

Sara

OMG, my SIL kept telling me to read you. I am preggers with my 2nd. you got it goin on, chicky. Funny stuff!

Jennifer

You should join us at www.sybermoms.com. We mock the other parenting boards as well. No blinkies, no dollz.

Boozie

People who cannot use proper grammar, punctuation and/or spelling should not reproduce.

Ever.

MelV

Too funny!! There should be some sort of minimun IQ test to be a parent. As far as anyone ripping on you about caffine. Too much caffine is bad but a some is fine. This comes from not only my dr but also the wise and all knowing internet. So if hot choc. does it for ya, more power to ya!!

Anna

I am dying right now. If allowed myself to say 'roflmfao', I would say it.

Dianne

I recently stumbled on this site. I adore you amalah. I just started reading the archives..I'm on December 21. Straight up I'm addicted I can't wait to get caught so I can really enjoy.

Editrix

O Ms. Amalah, do you have any idea how much the world needs you? I've sent this post to all of my pregnant friends. You, my dear, are the unpasteurized goddess of snark.

OK, I will stop typing and gushing now and finish my wine.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Not a stalker xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

madrigalia

I think that if I ever get pregnant, I will live in a blanket-cave with nothing but saltines and baby Mozart CDs. Nothing can go wrong then.

Merrilee

Hmmm...Isn't Britney Spears 'officially' pregnant? Now that is scary - someone who is as dumb as a box of hammers- reproducing. She's fit right in at those message boards.

Jodi

I think I just pissed myself from laughing so hard.

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