The Weekend, Part One
Cheez Whiz Inc.

SpongeBob PukePants

GAH.

So I owe you a "Weekend, Part Two" entry, a photoessay about cheesesteaks, and an Advice Smackdown. I know this. Y'all pay good money to read this site, and I'm totally letting you down.

Except that you don't pay shit, so technically I don't owe you shit, which means I can freak out about my pants instead.

Today I must speak in front of my entire company as I am recognized and congratulated for not getting fired. Monday marked my three-year anniversary with my company, and today I get to make a speech about it and bask in the glow of my colleagues' forced attendance and polite golf claps.

Usually when one is expected to speak in front of the entire company, one dresses accordingly. Like in a suit with a jacket and neatly pressed pants and you'd probably even comb your hair.

Now, aside from the fact that my suits were the first thing banished to the back of my closet for the duration of this pregnancy, I also completely forgot about today's festivities until I arrived at work. I dressed with the idea that I would be confined to my desk all day and am wearing non-maternity dress pants with a Bella Band.

What's a Bella Band? Why, it's the greatest thing ever. It goes over your unbuttoned/half-zipped pants at the waist and creates the illusion that you're wearing a tank top under your shirt -- a tank top that happens to cover, smooth and hold up your wide-open-too-small-but-dag-gummit-I'm-still-wearing-them pants.

Brilliant, right? Except that I am completely rattled by the realization that I will be addressing my entire company while my PANTS ARE UNDONE.

Also, I didn't get much sleep last night. Or the night before. So I may very well get up there and make a huge ass out of myself, pants issues aside.

Since we got back from Philadelphia, I haven't been able to keep any food down. I started throwing up Sunday night and it continued until...nowish, probably. I stayed home on Monday and spent most of the day on the bathroom floor -- starving, exhausted and headachey because I couldn't even keep a goddamn Tylenol tablet down.

And then Ceiba decided to upstage my misery and has had projectile diarrhea for the last 24 hours, complete with farts so loud they woke us up in the middle of the night.

Guess which Storch Girl Jason stayed up with all night to comfort and pet and research home remedies for.

Hint: NOT THIS ONE.

On the bright side, there will be free pizza after today's Great Open-Pants Speech, which DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO EAT A SLICE OF PIZZA WITHOUT HURLING.

ALSO PLEASE KEEP MY PANTS ON. AMEN.

Comments

Chris

Amy, I hope you enjoy pizza without puking and public speaking without your pants falling down.

That was probably the weirdest sentence I have ever typed in my whole life.

Sarcastic Journalist

been there...i gave a career day speech to 8th graders with my pants unbuttoned.

as for the barfing...been there too. hope you get to feeling better. for MOST, it ends at 13 weeks. and if you get really sick of it, try b6 and unisom.

but that totally isn't unwanted advice. but you know...it worked for me so its worth a shot.

Cincinnati_Girl

LOL @ the golf claps. LOVE the golf claps!

Dear Lord, please let Amy's pants stay on today while she's up there accepting her award. You know that if she drops trou in front of everyone they will never let her live it down. Conversely, please allow her to eat one slice of congratulatory pizza afterwards and not see it again five minutes later.

So, to recap, that's... PANTS UP, PIZZA DOWN ..

Oh yeah and send some Pepto Bismol to Ceiba so Jason can get some sleep. :) Amen.

Mirella

Lordie -- the threat of vomiting AND undone pants during a speech! It is a banner day in Amalahland.

I hope you are able to consume mass quantities of pizza and that the undone pant issue does not prevent you from making a kick-ass speech.

And I hope Ceiba gets better soon. No upstaging Mommy on the illness front. No.

bmh

I had my 3 year anniversary at my work and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cared.

Good luck with the pants and pizza.

Jenny

I'm so sorry the morning (all day?) sickness is giving you so much trouble. I hope today goes well! I'm sure you'll be the only one (well, and all of us) that knows about the Bella Band.

Dabney

I echo the pants up, pizza down sentiments. Good luck, and if something bad happens just remind them that you are pregnant, and that they can't be mean to you.

Kristie

Isn't being pregnant great? I hear that the nastier the pregnancy the better the baby. According to that logic...Baby Storch should be sleeping through the night from day 1.

It gets better. Hope you feel better soon.

andi

Perhaps you could imagine the entire audience with THEIR pants unbuttoned also...is not as repulsive as imagining them without them on altogether...

naughty jason! he owes you 176 chicken mcnuggest for this abandonment of you during your puking!

type a

that little ceiba is such a drama queen spotlight-stealer. why do we love her so?

sending you all the best vibes, girl!

lakeline

You rock for the Bella Band advice. I don't need it yet, but I KNOW I'm going to be an Immediate Bloater because I'm short and small. I've been spending more time than is necessary worrying about stuff like that. Maybe I need to be less obsessive? :)

Heather

I'm sending positive thoughts to your pants as I write.

RSM

I've never been able to wear the Bella Band exactly for that reason. I just can't get used to the fact that I'm walking around with my pants unbuttoned. It's a great invention, I just can't stop thinking about it. So, I got new pants 2 sizes bigger because I'm so not ready for maternity clothes yet. I don't know if I will ever be.

myllissa

Don't drop anything and have to bend over. The pants might slip out of the bella and fall down. Just a thought...I don't mean to freak you out or anything.

Stacy

::::crossing fingers:::: Pants up, pizza down, pants up, pizza down... what a fabulous mantra.

Boozie

If you do barf, just tell everyone you're hungover!

alfredsmom

Ah, I am jealous. Going to work with your pants undone. Today I am wearing pants that snap closed. Occassionally when I sit down they pop open... But I dont think its the same. And it definetly isnt for the same reason.. Oh well.

Anne A.

...am praying the Pants Prayer for you RIGHT NOW!!!

Kitty

Ugh! Poor Amy.
Here's to hoping that your speech thing goes quickly, your pants stay up and you keep a piece of pizza down.

And our puppy has had the same illness that Ceiba has - it's not fun for anyone. I feel your (and Jason's) pain.

Shanee

Ohh I'm not sure if you know this or not but God has one WICKED sense of humor.

Says the girl who is also wicked and named her child Ireland, the child that caused me to upchuck the whole 9 months! On a plus I could fit back in my clothes 1 week after I had her!

Real Girl

They give you a celebration for a three year anniversary? With pizza?!? Either your company is very, very nice, or they just sure do like to celebrate. I can only imagine what the baby shower will be like!

But I'm sure your faux-layered top look was a smash hit.

Dr. Johnny Fever

Pizza my ass. Three years should be a Rolex or a Miata or a key to the executive shitter.

nightngale

I totally sympathize. Here's praying that your "morning" sickness phase passes quickly.

Chris

Only three years? Gad! Why did I think you were there for longer? No wonder we didn't bump into each other much. You were a newbie when they canned me.

Nyah Nyah! Health has just outlawed 3 year anniversary speeches and the 5 year speeches are trending towards the shorter side. They've also abolished the "new hire" speeches in favor of a hazing ritual which varies from month to month.

Me? I'd rather talk. It's a voice thing. I can do five minutes on ball bearing production and leave 'em riveted to their seats...

Lee

Hmmmm.....I know several men that could use a Bella Band. Suspenders only work so well you know.

Mrs.Strizzay

Good luck with the pizza pants thing.

Sarcomical

that is very very cute, that bella band thing. something to remember in the future. oh and please write and let us know whether or not your pants stayed on properly. immediately. and also, how was the pizza?

Green Hills Happy Home

no. time. to. read. hi. from. par. iss.

Squeeee!

Shiz

Okay. That, above? Was me. David had some weird thing on his computer and I had already left the Rue Montmartre McDonald's with free internet by the time I found out.

Now I am in San Fran, on my way home.

Glad that, besides puking, and the Ceiba shitz, that things are going well. Or, sorta.

PS - I got the baby something in Paris. ;)

dawn

I'm sorry I missed your speech -- deadlines got in the way. But I did see you afterward and thought you looked like your usual uber-fabulous self. ;)

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