Except that you don't pay shit, so technically I don't owe you shit, which means I can freak out about my pants instead.
Today I must speak in front of my entire company as I am recognized and congratulated for not getting fired. Monday marked my three-year anniversary with my company, and today I get to make a speech about it and bask in the glow of my colleagues' forced attendance and polite golf claps.
Usually when one is expected to speak in front of the entire company, one dresses accordingly. Like in a suit with a jacket and neatly pressed pants and you'd probably even comb your hair.
Now, aside from the fact that my suits were the first thing banished to the back of my closet for the duration of this pregnancy, I also completely forgot about today's festivities until I arrived at work. I dressed with the idea that I would be confined to my desk all day and am wearing non-maternity dress pants with a Bella Band.
What's a Bella Band? Why, it's the greatest thing ever. It goes over your unbuttoned/half-zipped pants at the waist and creates the illusion that you're wearing a tank top under your shirt -- a tank top that happens to cover, smooth and hold up your wide-open-too-small-but-dag-gummit-I'm-still-wearing-them pants.
Brilliant, right? Except that I am completely rattled by the realization that I will be addressing my entire company while my PANTS ARE UNDONE.
Also, I didn't get much sleep last night. Or the night before. So I may very well get up there and make a huge ass out of myself, pants issues aside.
Since we got back from Philadelphia, I haven't been able to keep any food down. I started throwing up Sunday night and it continued until...nowish, probably. I stayed home on Monday and spent most of the day on the bathroom floor -- starving, exhausted and headachey because I couldn't even keep a goddamn Tylenol tablet down.
And then Ceiba decided to upstage my misery and has had projectile diarrhea for the last 24 hours, complete with farts so loud they woke us up in the middle of the night.
Guess which Storch Girl Jason stayed up with all night to comfort and pet and research home remedies for.
Hint: NOT THIS ONE.
On the bright side, there will be free pizza after today's Great Open-Pants Speech, which DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO EAT A SLICE OF PIZZA WITHOUT HURLING.
ALSO PLEASE KEEP MY PANTS ON. AMEN.