Down the Toilet Bowl
Mocking Stupid People is Fun

The Death of Dignity

(Advice Smackdown? What? Eh. Didn't feel like it, frankly. Better luck next week, suckahs.)

I had to work from home today because Jason took my car keys. And his car keys. All the car keys.

Well, we do have one extra set of keys, because we're not complete fools, but the extra set is only for the Subaru, not the Ford, because we hate the Ford and want it gone gone gone so why bother making an extra key for a car we'll be trading in any day now?

Guess which car Jason drove to work today. Go on! You'll never guess. Fools.

I called Jason to make sure he had both sets of keys, just in case pregnancy stupidity was causing me to overlook the keys that were like, in my hand or something.

Amy: I think you took my keys.

Jason: D'oh! Shit. Fuck damn bitch.

(We are a household that watches a lot of Simpsons and HBO. Can you tell? But don't worry, we totally plan to buy The Incredibles DVD so the baby will have something wholesome to watch. And I already moved our Eminem CDs to a very high shelf, so we're cool.)

After sending my boss an email describing my keyless plight and swearing up and down that I actually had stuff to do and would not just spend the day surfing the Web while clearing out my TiVo queue, I received the following reply:

Sure, sure. The old "my husband took my car keys by accident" excuse.

I was tempted to write back:

Well, I figured you were tired of the old "puking my ever-loving guts out" excuse by now.

Then I thought better of it.

Either way, I actually did have tons of work to do and only spent the barest minimum of time torturing my fetus with the doppler. (And even less time torturing the dog, cat and other various parts of my own anatomy with the doppler.)

The baby hates the doppler. As soon as I lock onto the heartbeat the baby moves away. It's like a sullen teenager, running to its room, slamming the door while screaming LEAVE ME ALONE! It's frustrating, yet infinitely amusing. My child has a prenatal 'tude.

Anyway. Work. Diligence. Etc. How about some more awkward and embarrassing moments?

Yesterday, back when I had my car keys, I stalled my car at a stoplight. And in my frantic attempt to restart the car, Miss-Automatic-Transmissions-Are-For-Pussies turned on the windshield wipers. It was not raining.

Last week, back when it was my turn to drive the Subaru, for which we have extra keys and also XM Satellite Radio, I realized that I am making the conscious decision to listen to Kelly Clarkson.

When you're stuck with regular radio, you don't always have much of a choice. It's either commercials, crap pop, that one Jane's Addiction song with the steel drums or more commercials. But with XM, you have four hundred bazillion options. You can go from Pixies to Zappa to Ben Folds to to Snoop to Wilco to the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack.

It's totally awesome.

So why the hell am I listening to Kelly Clarkson? And even worse, telling the Internet about it?

I blame pregnancy. Which is also to blame for some fairly gnarly hemorrhoids and the fact that I am wearing a maternity top with polka dots today and was fully intending to go to work like this.

So maybe, actually, Jason taking the keys was a good thing. Thanks, babe. At least one of us is still thinking clearly.

Comments

Dr. Johnny Fever

I like that Kelly Clarkson song, too. Even wrote about what a pussy I am for liking it. What are we gonna do, Amalah? Can a Clay Aiken concert be far behind?

shawnessy

Ha Ha.. I remember visiting my pregnant friend and playing around with the doppler thingie one night when my tummy was being "peckish"... truly a symphony of sorts going on in there.. who knew???

Enjoy your "working from home" day!!

Anyabeth

Don't feel too bad. People all over are losing their street cred over that song. Including my husband who is a real snob about pop music. I actually enjoyed telling him who it was so he could look at me in HORROR.

myllissa

Am big loser. Not only have Kelly Clarkson CD, but listen to it often. Too often. *weeps*

Damn that song.

Heather

The boyfriend took my car keys to work a few weeks ago, and my boss, instead of being a human being about it and letting me work from home, asked one of my co-workers to COME AND PICK ME UP. Hate my job. Hate.

Kathryn

GRRR... See, in OUR house, I had the good car, and so my fiance was constantly driving it around at night and stuffing the keys in his coat pocket when he got home. I cannot tell you how many times I went to leave the house and realized that my keys (because, yes, I was too stupid to make another set and the only spare was living somewhere in my parents' junk drawer) were at work with him.

Now, neither of us owns a car, but my instinct when I can't find my keys is to start loudly cursing his key-leptomaniacal tendencies.

katie b

Swear to god, that Kelly Clarkson song is bringing down music snobs everywhere. If we
listen to it backward i bet there'd be satanic messages. I keep blaming satan, trying to justify buying the cd. I am so ashamed.

smartjuice

How can I make my boss believe that someone took my keys by mistake when he knows I live by myself. Help Amalah, help!

Zoots Mom

Well, as far as excuses...Toilet just ran over all over everywhere..or..Hose to washing machine exploded and my place is flooded...No water, excues me I mean NO WATER. Not no hot water...NO WATER...These things have happened to me over my life and I save them for times that are needy now...You can't pull it on a boss more than once...

the village idiot

You are absolutely hilarious. I love your site and your sense of humor. Thank you for sharing it with us!!

Shu

Apparently that song has been stuck in my head since I heard it on the radio this morning. Except for I didn't really realize it was stuck in my head until I read this and *ding* there was Kelly singing backup to your entry.

kathy

I am 44 years old. And not only do I like that Kelly Clarkson song? I like the video too. DO Not. Tell. my 15 year old son. He would never go out in public again.

Broad

Here's a funny womb story: My friends' first wee one? Was caught literally flipping. them. off. in the ultrasound pictures. I told them she took after her mother.

And I've been singing the Kelly since around Christmas. Damn preteen cousin who got the CD.

Zoot

I hated having to get spare keys for our hated vehicle too! Its like giving a gift to someone you don't like.

Oh, and re: your hot chocolate tidbit on your sidebar? I'm still drinking diet coke periodically. I've been scared to mention that on my site for fear of persecution. I'm going to take that tidbit as a sign I was probably right.

Oh. And I'm still smoking crack too, but crack babies are born everyday, so I think I'm okay.

kentucky_kitty

I'm laughing my butt off over Baby Storch doing the DOPPLER DODGE!

And you are WAY prettier than Punky Brewster, by the way. :)

alfredsmom

Pictures. need pictures of polka dot maternity top.

Kitty

I have to admit I like the new Kelley Clarkson song too. Geez. Alot of us are guilty here. Does she have a secret brainwashing message in that song?

Sounds like Eraserhead is playing a game. You'd better watch out - if your unborn child is smart enough to play hide and seek, just think how smart it will be when it's born! ;)

BIYF

Consider yourself lucky! My punk-ass boss would have driven to my house and picked me up! God forbid I do a job that can be done on the phone and on the computer, from my home phone and computer.

stella

My name is Joellen and I too like Kelly Clarson. I liked it so much, I bought her first CD (baby steps).

Anyway, love your writing!

Brian

Hi, my name is Brian, and I've never heard this Kelly Clarkson sing a single note. For this I am glad.

Shiz

Okay, it *is* easy to get that Kelly Clarkson (Why? Why?) song in your head. But you know what I have in my head? Bif Naked's I Love Myself Today. I met her on Saturday. I do like the song, but not the non-stop repetition in my noggin.

Seriously, go take a listen if you don't know what I'm talking about. That song was a huge hit up here.

Kudos on stopping yourself from making snark with the boss. You win a Little Debbie's Oatmeal Cream Pie. Or maybe a whole box.

honestyrain

public transportation?

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