Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Well, Fuck.

The Growing Insanity

(First of all, OHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GAAAWWWWD. There's a heartbeat over at Zoot's! I have been a curled-up little ball of anxiety on her behalf all damn day, and now? Bitch is all knocked up proper and shit. And she's just four weeks behind me, which gives me great joy from a someone-else-to-kvetch-with perspective. And to think how far we've both come from this dark day. JESUS GOD, ZOOT, WE FUCKING DID IT.)

Back when we were on Clomid, which was TOTALLY going to work for us, like, immediately, I bought a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. I threw it out during a temper tantrum sometime after our fourth or fifth negative. I never bought another copy, but opted instead for The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and a guide from the Mayo Clinic for all the technical shit that I never read about because GAH, episiotomies.

The Girlfriend's Guide is definitely better than What to Expect (which is more like What to Panic About When You're Doing Everything Wrong), even if it does fall into that your partner = your male-husband-whom-you-married pattern that most pregnancy books seem to fall into.

Although when I first read it, I was a little surprised to see an ENTIRE CHAPTER titled "Pregnancy Insanity." That seemed a little...meanly stereotypical, I thought. Especially since I had just recently been horrified when someone only-sort-of-jokingly asked, upon learning of my pregnancy, when I was "going to start acting all crazy."

(Answer: RIGHT NOW, BUDDY, NOW STAND STILL WHILE I THROW THIS PAPERWEIGHT AT YOUR HEAD.)

The chapter is mostly about 1) pregnant women doing stupid things like forgetting their phone number, 2) crying because there are no pickles left, or 3) becoming slightly hysterical when they don't get their way in a variety of scenarios.

Other than #2, I didn't experience anything remotely like this for the first two months of pregnancy. I'd say I was a remarkably easy-going pregnant lady. Once I got a little mad because Jason thought I was kidding when I told him to bring home Chicken McNuggets (Why would I kid about McNuggets? Why?), and then there was the Paneer Makhani Incident where Actual Tears Were Shed, but you know, that was the SECOND FUCKING TIME that restaurant had messed up my order and my order alone and I was kind of feeling like they had it in for me.

I haven't been so easy lately. I bawled while watching A Walk In the Clouds, which I left on for the express purpose of making fun of Keanu Reeves' horrible delivery, I swear to God. First I wouldn't shut up because the supposedly newly-pregnant love interest has absolutely no first trimester symptoms and is going around eating zucchini flower soup without barfing and being all sexy and seductive instead of gassy and bloated. Then the vineyard caught on fire and it was just SO SAD and I cried and then I got mad because GOD BITCH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING FIRES WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT.

Then there's been this entire week, which has been one long experiment in Crazy. Jason is going to a bachelor's party this weekend, one that's been planned for months and fine and whatever. (I was supposed to go to the bachelorette's party in New York City, but opted not to, because damn, wouldn't I be the sober hoot n' a half who heads back to the hotel room to sleep at 10 p.m.)

However, I just learned on Tuesday night that the boys' party involves the words "Atlantic" and "City" and will basically be ALL WEEKEND LONG.

"Okay," I thought, "I'll just head up to Pennsylvania to visit my mom who will take me shopping and stuff."

Then I got a voice mail from my sister in Arizona, talking excitedly about dirt-cheap airfares from Phoenix to DC for the weekend. Would it be cool if she came to visit?

"Yay!" I thought.

Then Wednesday morning the bad news started rolling in. My aunt, who also lives in Arizona, had another stroke. A bad one that has pretty much left her brain dead, so they were turning off the life support.

Very sad news.

But then my mom started talking about how they were flying out to be with my cousin and help with the arrangements and they were going to stay with my sister and...

"Wait," I thought. "What? This weekend?"

Then I actually said it out loud. I actually had the gall to complain to my mother that no, SOMEBODY had to not be in Arizona this weekend and keep me company. They couldn't ALL not be available to go shopping for maternity clothes.

Apparently, in my mind, Life, Death, Loss of My Father's Older Sister and Last Immediate Family Member pales in comparison to Clear Your Schedules, the Pregnant Girl Wants You to Take Her to a Movie.

I would say this is vaguely insane behavior. Especially the part where I sniffled a little bit after hanging up the phone because no one in my family loves me.

The week of Crazy continued to this morning, when I stopped for a bagel and cream cheese on the way to work. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted and I ended up throwing it away once I got to the office.

And I nearly cried again, because all I ever wanted in my WHOLE LIFE was a nice bagel and cream cheese. I honestly fought back tears.

I ended up eating a brownie that was left over from some meeting instead. Even though it was left over from a meeting YESTERDAY.

It was the second most disgusting thing I have ever tasted, but I ate the whole thing. Because I'm INSANE and PREGNANT and either get the fuck away from me or I will start throwing more paperweights.

Unless you offer to take me shopping. Then I might cry and hug you a little bit.

Comments

Rbelle

So far in this pregnancy I have lost a pair of my favorite and expensive sunglasses and my favorite and expensive watch. Neither of which I can afford to replace. Tragic! And I certainly will not replace either until I have the baby and the pregnancy brain has gone away!

kalisah

my insanity manifested itself by turning me into the BIGGEST AIRHEAD. How embarrassing. But it passes. All those crazy roller-coaster emotions? They'll go away somewhere around your child's 7th birthday.

Martha

I'm sorry about your Aunt. But come to Phoenix -- apparently the flights are cheap and I'll take you shopping AND buy you chicken mcnuggets.

Pratt

Leaves food ...backs away slowly ..not making eye contact.

ginger

First - I'm sorry about your aunt. It might just be that you're a little crazy with the transferring of the crazy onto other things because of the whole sad aunt thing. Just a thought.

Second - what if one of us offers to take you shopping and you, you know, kill us with a heavy object because we looked at you funny or smell bad? You may be pretty but I'm certain you're deadly when roused to ire. You know, like a lioness. Or a dragon or something.

Third - In contrast, I look forward, in a schadenfreude-y kind of way, to watching you fillet the first Mommy Drive-By that comes into this sphere. Delicate feelings yet potentially deadly accuracy with a paperweight or sharp word.

Morgan

I am very sorry about your aunt's stroke, although that is not the theme of this post. My grandma had a stroke Sunday...so I know it's hard. And tell your husband he can fuck that bachelor party big time stuff!

laura

I'd like to take you shopping for paperweights.

Kristie

I could bring you a breakfast ham and cheese on plain bagel from Manhattan Bagel if you want...
those are yummy...

Erin

awwe. i'm sorry, haha.
i'm feeling your pain, but kinda not the same way.
i was stuck in the emergency room all day yesterday and now my doctor has ordered me to not eat and all i want are mcnuggests and bagels and cream cheese ( i kid you not) and now i can't go to the super fun jazz dance tomorrow night because the world hates me...
see, not alike at all, but totally feeling your pain.

Stevo

Been there done that and have the scars to show for it, from the male perspective I would like to offer one piece of advice, RUN JASON RUN!

Whoa, was that a paperweight that just missed my head? She's just pregnant, I'm sure her aim will improve.

spammit

During pregnancy, I seem to remember keeping a running commentary in my head. Something along the lines of, "whoa, I am so not one of those 'crazy pregnant women' - I mean, I am being so cool even though that bitch of a sister-in-law sent me maternity clothes in the mail. Who the hell does she think she is, anyway?".

It took me about six months to look back and realize I was a touch nutty. Swear to God, in my head I thought I was keeping cool. So brava to you with your self awareness in the crazy department.

Hope you can keep something down soon. I don't want to piss on your food parade, but for the love of Pete, don't ever look into the cavity of the McNugget. Just don't.

Totally jealous of Aruba!

Dr. Johnny Fever

Sounds like it's time for you to graduate from McNuggets to the sordid world of sausage, egg and cheese McGriddles. Now THAT will give you something to cry about. I'm told that the two finalists for the name of this particular McProduct were:

1. McGriddle
2. McHeroin

When my wife was pregnant with our second child, the pimple-faced goobers who work at our neighborhood McDonalds knew her by her first name.

Heather

Awww, I'll go shopping with you. And ply you with Nuggests and paperweights.

lindsay

the pregnancy brain is a special one. it leaves you with the feeling that every single thing that you do is the most important thing in your sphere of influence. my own darling husband has been a trouper during my pregnancy -first because I thought that every single thing that I did would jepordize the baby -soft cheese O NO, sushi!! ARG! and I made myself crazy reading the what to expect book. finally put it away after giving my poor unborn child every disease and syndrome mentioned. you will learn how to cope with the lack of brain function, and there will be days where the tears seem endless and people make you want to scream. BUT there will also be the day you feel the baby move for the first time, they day that Jason will feel it move for the first time and a day when food seems normal again. Maybe you should just go to Arizona to be with your family -sounds like they could use a crazy pregnant lady's help.

emma

I'm so sorry about your Aunt. I've been there.
I haven't, however, yet been to pregnancy-world; and if I continue to share your stories with my beautiful boy, I may never be allowed to visit!
And I am never buying the what to expect book. My secret super-hero persona is worst-case-scenario girl (I know, how stink is that!), and I think it would tip me over the edge. So thank you for the heads-up on that.

Sheryl

Gah, pregnancy brain, oh how I do not miss that. Although the phrase "I'm pregnant, step off bitch!" is a deeply satisfying one. Enjoy!

Tc

Honey I'm sorry and I know what you are going through! I would so love to take you to a movie and shopping!!

warcrygirl

Okay, this is the reason I SO wish I had a blog when I was pregnant. I know I was crazy and stuff, yet I remember none of it now.

I used to hate HATE butter cream frosting. During my pregnancy with my second son I seemed to have developed a sweet tooth; I can now eat the stuff by the spoonful.

Crazy.

Mirella

I am going shopping this weekend. In Georgetown! Such fun! You can come, but no throwing stuff.

Real Girl

Condolences to you and your family.

And come on. It's not like Jason isn't going to bring you a present home from Atlantic City. And if you're lucky, it might even be HUGE GAMBLING WINNINGS--of course to be used only for shopping.

Mom

I am so sorry I can't take you shopping and touch that precious belly and hear that glorious heart beat!!!! I can't wait till I can. Always remember how much your Aunt Betty loved you and remember all the good times we had with her. She was so happy about this baby! At least she heard your happy news before her stroke. Love you, Mom

Zandria

Awwww...I just read the above comment from "Mom," and had to mention how awesome Mom's are. Sounds like something mine would say. :)

type a

geez mom, how am i supposed to comment after that?

all my love girl!

Sarcastic Journalist

wait until the 9th month when you'll be busy tweaking your nipples and trying to convince your poor husband to have sex with you after walking 5 miles uphill because, damn, you will get this baby out.

Okay. I'm horrible. I know how you felt. It will get better.

Amy

The pickle comment reminded me of something a friend told me recently. She said one of the best snacks is a pickle speared with a peppermint stick.

Sounds so totally absolutely gross to me, but she said it was surprisingly tasty. I'm gonna have to take her word for it.

cheryl b.

*Ahem* I work at Mcd's and could totally get you half off. And while I am somewhat of a goober (on-line at 2 in the morning, hello) my face is pimple free.

Kitty

Sorry to hear about your Aunt, that's never good news. And sorry no one is there to take you shopping. But like Real Girl said, maybe Jason will win lots of money and then you can have a gigantic shopping spree. Or you could save the money for Aruba and have a shopping spree there. :)

Jen Dangergirl

You don't have to be pregnant to need some retail therapy. There's very little a new pair of shoes won't fix.

junkie

I totally can relate to the pregnancy insanity theory...I knew how screwed I was when I sat and watched 2 hours of "Cops" one night (I can't think of a show I've ever hated more in "real life") and BAWLED the ENTIRE way through it...and still wasn't able to turn away!

So, yes....much love and sympathy for you.

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