(First of all, OHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GAAAWWWWD. There's a heartbeat over at Zoot's! I have been a curled-up little ball of anxiety on her behalf all damn day, and now? Bitch is all knocked up proper and shit. And she's just four weeks behind me, which gives me great joy from a someone-else-to-kvetch-with perspective. And to think how far we've both come from this dark day. JESUS GOD, ZOOT, WE FUCKING DID IT.)
Back when we were on Clomid, which was TOTALLY going to work for us, like, immediately, I bought a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. I threw it out during a temper tantrum sometime after our fourth or fifth negative. I never bought another copy, but opted instead for The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and a guide from the Mayo Clinic for all the technical shit that I never read about because GAH, episiotomies.
The Girlfriend's Guide is definitely better than What to Expect (which is more like What to Panic About When You're Doing Everything Wrong), even if it does fall into that your partner = your male-husband-whom-you-married pattern that most pregnancy books seem to fall into.
Although when I first read it, I was a little surprised to see an ENTIRE CHAPTER titled "Pregnancy Insanity." That seemed a little...meanly stereotypical, I thought. Especially since I had just recently been horrified when someone only-sort-of-jokingly asked, upon learning of my pregnancy, when I was "going to start acting all crazy."
(Answer: RIGHT NOW, BUDDY, NOW STAND STILL WHILE I THROW THIS PAPERWEIGHT AT YOUR HEAD.)
The chapter is mostly about 1) pregnant women doing stupid things like forgetting their phone number, 2) crying because there are no pickles left, or 3) becoming slightly hysterical when they don't get their way in a variety of scenarios.
Other than #2, I didn't experience anything remotely like this for the first two months of pregnancy. I'd say I was a remarkably easy-going pregnant lady. Once I got a little mad because Jason thought I was kidding when I told him to bring home Chicken McNuggets (Why would I kid about McNuggets? Why?), and then there was the Paneer Makhani Incident where Actual Tears Were Shed, but you know, that was the SECOND FUCKING TIME that restaurant had messed up my order and my order alone and I was kind of feeling like they had it in for me.
I haven't been so easy lately. I bawled while watching A Walk In the Clouds, which I left on for the express purpose of making fun of Keanu Reeves' horrible delivery, I swear to God. First I wouldn't shut up because the supposedly newly-pregnant love interest has absolutely no first trimester symptoms and is going around eating zucchini flower soup without barfing and being all sexy and seductive instead of gassy and bloated. Then the vineyard caught on fire and it was just SO SAD and I cried and then I got mad because GOD BITCH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING FIRES WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT.
Then there's been this entire week, which has been one long experiment in Crazy. Jason is going to a bachelor's party this weekend, one that's been planned for months and fine and whatever. (I was supposed to go to the bachelorette's party in New York City, but opted not to, because damn, wouldn't I be the sober hoot n' a half who heads back to the hotel room to sleep at 10 p.m.)
However, I just learned on Tuesday night that the boys' party involves the words "Atlantic" and "City" and will basically be ALL WEEKEND LONG.
"Okay," I thought, "I'll just head up to Pennsylvania to visit my mom who will take me shopping and stuff."
Then I got a voice mail from my sister in Arizona, talking excitedly about dirt-cheap airfares from Phoenix to DC for the weekend. Would it be cool if she came to visit?
"Yay!" I thought.
Then Wednesday morning the bad news started rolling in. My aunt, who also lives in Arizona, had another stroke. A bad one that has pretty much left her brain dead, so they were turning off the life support.
Very sad news.
But then my mom started talking about how they were flying out to be with my cousin and help with the arrangements and they were going to stay with my sister and...
"Wait," I thought. "What? This weekend?"
Then I actually said it out loud. I actually had the gall to complain to my mother that no, SOMEBODY had to not be in Arizona this weekend and keep me company. They couldn't ALL not be available to go shopping for maternity clothes.
Apparently, in my mind, Life, Death, Loss of My Father's Older Sister and Last Immediate Family Member pales in comparison to Clear Your Schedules, the Pregnant Girl Wants You to Take Her to a Movie.
I would say this is vaguely insane behavior. Especially the part where I sniffled a little bit after hanging up the phone because no one in my family loves me.
The week of Crazy continued to this morning, when I stopped for a bagel and cream cheese on the way to work. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted and I ended up throwing it away once I got to the office.
And I nearly cried again, because all I ever wanted in my WHOLE LIFE was a nice bagel and cream cheese. I honestly fought back tears.
I ended up eating a brownie that was left over from some meeting instead. Even though it was left over from a meeting YESTERDAY.
It was the second most disgusting thing I have ever tasted, but I ate the whole thing. Because I'm INSANE and PREGNANT and either get the fuck away from me or I will start throwing more paperweights.
Unless you offer to take me shopping. Then I might cry and hug you a little bit.