Wednesday Advice Smackdown
March 30, 2005
Today's Wednesday Advice Smackdown will be even more particularly half-assed than previous installments. Why? Because I'm tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Vaguely comatose. Etc. It is probably all the Babalah's fault, as I am getting approximately 19 hours of sleep a day, yet still. So. Damn. Tired.
This is how tired I am: diohv ccoljuoi caljlllllllldijulj
HAAAAAAAAAA. That's the funniest thing I've typed EVER.
This is also how tired I am on a regular basis: On Easter Sunday, neither Jason nor my parents woke me up to go to CHURCH. On EASTER. And then they let me sleep through PANCAKES. Out of PITY for my tired, tired self.
Anyway. Here are some questions, some answers and some typos that I will probably not fix.
Dearest Amalah who I would recognize if i saw on the street and hug and then run before she called the police on the tiny girl she doesn't know,
Very soon, I am graduating from college. I have always used (gasp) drugstore foundation. By always I mean the same kind since sixth grade. I actually spend more on things like eyeshadow, but for some strange reason, have never ventured past Maybelline for foundation (I ventured past it for mascara and came straight back). Aaaaanyways, I am going to be a grownup very soon. Kind of. And I would like to upgrade my foundation. As I already took your foundation brush advice (with excellent results) and as you always look so pretty with such lovely dewy skin, I thought you could advise me on a nicer foundation to switch to. I like them pretty liquidy and seemingly sheer yet powerful enough to really cover.
I apologize for my overuse of parentheses (but I kind of talk in parentheses actually) and hope to have an answer whenever your lovely self is bored of the doppler and has a notion to do an advice smackdown.
I still stand by the foundation pictured in my infamous and frighteningly-often-Googled foundation brush entry, and that's the Sue Devitt 70% Triple Seaweed Gel Foundation. 70% water, this stuff is light and gelly (it's a word now, shut up) and goes on easy and smooth. Also won't clog your pores or destroy the rain forest or steal your boyfriend.
Yes, it's $38 a bottle. I could try to justify that for you, but I'm tired. (Which brings us to the half-assedness of this Smackdown.) Dewy don't come cheap, chickies, and if it did, I'd likely just find some way to be a snob about it.
Oh great goddess of all things hairtastic!
I am in desperate need of hair advice. I just had my regular below chin length bob cut today and found out the hard way that you should never be the last customer of the day on a busy spring Saturday. I foolishly told the stylist to angle my hair in the back in a wedge, and then cut the front to chin length and add a few little angled-in pieces in the front. And since it was Saturday and the stylist had just finished cutting the hair of a six-year-old whose mom was a royal pain who wanted the impossible-the stylist was tired and just said, okay, instead of, wait, no way this will work with your fine, thin, curly hair, you’re going to look like you cut your hair with a lawnmower. Which is exactly how it looks now. So now, I come to you, great goddess, Amalah, asking for advice on how to fix this mess other than cutting it even shorter (not an option, as my husband said, just go get a Subaru Outback and some flannel shirts and call yourself a …..you can guess the rest, he’s not very politically correct!) So anyway, hair goddess, what hair products do you recommend to help me achieve some sort of hairstyle that people won’t laugh at?
First, let me take issue with the idea that a bad haircut can only be corrected by further drastic cutting. Not true. A decent stylist (and by "decent" I mean "expensive" and "homosexual") can RESHAPE a butchered cut without sacrificing a lot of length.
(Trust me, for at one low point in my life, I was laid off from my stupid dot.com job like the rest of the entire world. I burned through my severance package and was soon a miserly ball of misering, reusing tea bags and canceling HBO and, at the lowest low point, going to the HAIR CUTTERY for trims. Sometimes, even a half-inch trim is too much for certain scissorly-challenged people to handle. That's all I'll say, but indeed, I know your pain.)
But as for products, there are four billion and one options. From your email, I'm trying to guess as to what will make your hair look better. Straighter? Thicker? Piece-y-er? (Also now a word. Continue to shut up.) So I'll just go half-assed (again) and recommend my favorite products for the most common hair complaints.
(All of these, I believe, have been recommended here before. Am officially one giant re-run.)
Bed Head Control Freak. A gentle straightener and de-frizzifyer that's perfect for thin hair. Work a dime-sized amount through wet hair and then blow-dry straight.
Bed Head Small Talk. A volumizing, thickifying goo that will pretty much solve world hunger one of these days. Use a small amount on dry hair to fluff, lift and separate. Like a bra! For your hair! Sexy!
Bed Head Hard to Get. A finishing paste for piecing out your hair, which I imagine could come in particularly handy in lawnmower-inspired haircuts.
Bed Head After Party. The infamous dildo-shaped tube of smoothing cream. Any fly-away crazy hair? Stubborn assy cowlicks? A little of this stuff with make your hair your well-behaved, shiny bitch.
can't remember whose site linked to it, but found you through my daily readings. yours is just the second (including mine) that makes any reference to infertility, and deals with it in a manner that could help other people understand it, instead of the doom and gloom stuff on the newsgroups and other websites. we were lucky that clomid worked for us the first month, but wow, when I think about the wasted year of trying, well, I try to not get bitter. more because a simple fertility test from the doctor, who told us to "relax" (you know the drill), would have put us in a position to make smarter decisions earlier instead of exercises in futility.
it sounds like you are in about week 16, and my wife in 19, so two infertility babies coming within weeks. i look forward to reading your blog more as the weeks go on as i am sure i will be able to relate. oh, and in reference to the Girlfriend's Guide you made, and What to Expect...what did your husband read? you sound like a well read couple, and my wife and i had a very difficult time finding any books that made sense for me to read. while i appreciate the 15 pages in What to Expect on the father feelings, the mass of the books out there for men are either 1) all science and volume, 2) sensititve pony tail type books, or 3) Man Show type books. we really couldn't find a book that was like the Girlfriend's Guide, but for men. Just curious.
(I'm actually right at 14 weeks now, but everybody assumes I'm further along than that, thanks to the BELLY THAT WILL SOON EAT MANHATTAN. Along with everything else, because DAMN, I'm hungry.)
Also? Jason? Read books? Pregnancy books?
He did accompany me to Border's when I purchased the Girlfriend's Guide and some technical Mayo Clinic guide after my first prenatal appointment confirmed that I was, indeed pregnant. (Because five or six home tests? Clearly lying to me out of spite.)
I picked up a copy of The Expectant Father and asked Jason if he wanted it. And he looked at me like I was giving birth to a litter of puppies right there in the Parenting section.
"Everything I need to know I can read on the Internet," he said.
"But this will tell you how to be all, loving and supportive and shit," I countered.
"I AM loving and supportive and shit."
"Fine." I shoved the book back on the shelf. "But I reserve the right to tell you if, at any point in time, I do not feel you are being loving and supportive and shit."
And that was our agreement, which meant during the first thirteen tortuous, nausea-filled weeks, I routinely called Jason an asshole.
(Usually for various food-related offenses.)
So I have no book recommendations for you, B. Which brings us to the half-assed portion of this question.
Readers? With literate, supportive, non-asshole husbands who read pregnancy books? Any suggestions?
(Oh, and I'm totally kidding about Jason being an asshole, as he had two dozen roses delivered to my office today for no reason at all except to make my coworkers jealous. That's just awesome.)
Have a question for next week's Smackdown? That requires a half-assed answer? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Or maybe, if we're lucky, I'll get that second trimester energy boost everyone keeps yakking about, which SHUT UP, you're making me tired.