In Which I Go Through An Awful Runaround About Posting Belly Pictures
Thurwednesday Advice Smackdown

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Good lawd, what a day.

Super-extra-mega apologies, but the Wednesday Advice Smackdown has been pre-empted until tomorrow because work is crazy and it's a friend's birthday and we have plans after work and then at some point I need to watch Lost and then I will need to go to bed. Don't send me hate mail.

Actually, none of you would send me hate mail, because you love me, apparently, and will kick the ass of any troll who dares dump a guilt-trip worthy of my mother on me.

For the record, the crazy speeding ticket email actually made me laugh, what with the specious logic that I was clearly someone who was also going to strap my newborn into a recalled car seat in the front passenger seat while putting on mascara in rush hour traffic. Yep, speeding is the gateway moving violation, kiddos.

(Type A added: you forgot that babalah is also holding your cigarette and drinking coffee all the while.)

Anyway, in summary: I love you all more than my brand-new Coach sunglasses. And that is more love than the human heart can ever fully understand.

But I'm still not doing an advice column today.

(OH! WAIT! I forgot! Britney is pregnant, y'all, along with me and Punky Brewster. And I'm obsessed with finding out her due date because I SWEAR TO GOD, she better not give birth on the same day as me, is all I'm saying.)

(Yes, the new greatest fear in my life, replacing all other anxieties about impending motherhood, is that my child will share a birthday with the Federfetus. THAT IS NO WAY TO START OUT IN LIFE.)

Comments

bd

OOOhhh! Does Coach make baby bags??

kalisah

well rest assured in knowing that you look WAY CUTER THAN PREGNANT BRITNEY SPEARS!

Kristie

Federfetus? BAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dr. Johnny Fever

My mom shares a birthday with Adolf Hitler, but I'm sure she'd rather have that than to share one with the spawn of Ms. Cheetos and Red Bull herself.

bellabelly

I'm having a hard enough time swallowing the bile that keeps erupting everytime I think that Britney is going to have a baby in the same YEAR as me. I'm so sorry that you have to even be in the same trimester as her. And Kevin's pants make me gag, too. That is all.

Heather

Not wanting your kid to share a birthday with the Federfetus? Amen, sister.

MKN

Federfetus!??! I love it!

But there really should be some law to prevent that man from procreating yet again.

Yuck.

Sabine

Federfetus - priceless!

Trance

Can you imagine randomly running into the Spederlines at like, a Baby Gap or some shit? I think the Babalah would have the good taste to spit up.

Shiz

Do not forget, of course, to snort lines of coke off Babalah's tummy. I hear it's a terrific bonding moment.

Erin

federfetus...how do you come up with snappy remarks like that?
this is why you are the queen of everything.

also, the carseat is also facing the front window, don't forget that either.

Alexis

Completely random but...........

You and Britney Spears are pregnant at the same time :)

Alexis

*smacking forehead* That's the last time I read a post half way through *laughs*

Punky Brewster and Britney Spears *haha* Not a bad combo.

Maybe you should name the baby Kiwi, or Pineapple?? To match with Gwyneth

TheLadyIsRotten

Wow....Trance is commenting in this journal? It is, indeed, a small internet world after all. And, to think, I read you both - - every morning...Ahhhh....

Anyway. Britney pregnant. Bee-jeezus. And you too! I think it's a divine sign. Or not.

megan

Coach Baby Bags?

Oh yes they do!

My cousin's fancy New York friends got her one. It is quite FABULOUS.

amber

that man must have the most potent sperm around. i mean, someone else JUST had his baby. i wonder if they make pants for the baby that will show his/her diaper. like father, like...federfetus?

Sarcomical

if your baby DOES share a birthday with the spawn of brit-brit, you do realize you'll have to shelter her from all tabloid and news items containing any info about them, right? i mean, to protect the innocent child and all.

Heather

Oh my dear god. You know, I don't actually laugh out loud that often when I'm reading online? But Federfetus? BWAH! That? Is literary and comedic genius.

Real Girl

I heard today that when Britney sold her house, she sold the DOGS WITH IT. Her yorkie and her German Shepherd security dogs. WITH THE HOUSE.

A woman who throws her pets in with the deal is going to be a mother, and you get emails about speeding tickets? Oh, the humanity!


xx

Orrie

Somehow, I feel that you and Britney getting pregnant at the same time is a karmic thing. Your babbalah will be SO much cuter and the world will love it and despise the federfetus. Britney's baby will be one of the contestants on "showbiz Moms and Dads", and you will have the most well-adjusted and non-neglected child EVER and you can totally make comparisons each and EVERY DAY of babyhood.

Sara

I feel like such a lazy ass for just NOW taking the time to comment and I'm sorry. It took "Federfetus" to get my ass in commenting gear. HAAAAA...I needed that.

annie

OMG! Ferderfetus!!! I think I just pee-peed on myself.

Val

I think the ferderfetus (LOL) won't be born, it'll just crawl out and run away as far as it can. You have nothing to worry about.

Morgan

Federfetus... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sarcastic Journalist

what if your baby and brit's cletus end up being BFF? And have sleepovers? And brit drops the kid off and you have to talk to her but you can't stop staring at her zits and bad hair?

Do me a favor, though. Touch her boobie and see if it is real.

Zoe

You are much cuter than Britney Spears. And at least with you being pregnant people don't just assume that you got fat. And god, if in a bizarre twist of fate your baby has to be born in the same hospital as the Federfetus, make sure they disinfect your room. Poor Babalah should not have to tolerate those conditions. To sum up, Britney has nothing on you. And Ceiba could totally kick Bit Bit's ass (and I really hope you happen to run into the Spederlines for that reason).

Btw, have you thought of any baby names yet? I know it's none of my business, I'm just interested...

Zoe

I just noticed how many sentences I began with 'and'. I am ashamed of myself.

Also, not to scare you but the Smackdown is throwing a bitch-ass hissy fit. She (or he, I'm not totally sure...) is currently destracted by the scary-ass pictures of what the Federfetus could look like on Defamer. I hope your friend has a good birthday, meanwhile :)

Siobhan

The very first thing I thought when I heard Brit was four months along is that she would be due the same time as you. I'm due in July and for some reason it makes me feel better that I will have my child before Britney. I have no idea why. I'd almost say I hope she has a boy so we don't have to deal with Britney 2.0 in a few years but that poor little boy would be even more screwed up than Cher's son. Also, hasn't she been seen smoking up a storm as usual lately? Nice. You should sic crazy speeding ticket email person on her. I'm sure red bull can't be good for a fetus, especially one that is already getting the short end of the genetic stick.

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