Wednesday Advice Smackdown
What To Expect When You Don't Know You're Expecting

Good Morning America (and Amalah)

7:00 am: Alarm goes off across the room (where it was put to prevent mass snooze-button abuse).

7:02: Roll over, discover that left ear formed some sort of vacuum seal with pillow overnight which now HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

7:04: Get out of bed, stumble towards clock, turn alarm off, get back in bed.

7:05: Momentary stumbling has awoken the babalah/boybalah/squishy/whatever-I'm-calling-it-these-days, which awwww, but also STOP KICKING AND LET MAMA SLEEP.

7:10: Wide awake now, gripped by horrible reality that in four months, there will be another human being in my house who will most likely want to wake up at 5 a.m., and who cannot be ignored like the large, plaintive eyes of my dog.

7:20: Anxiety makes me tired. Back to sleep.

7:30: Secret backup alarm goes off.

7:32: Shuffle downstairs with one eye open to make sure I don't step in any Ceiba's overnight accidental shit piles.

7:35: Pee. Congratulate self on making it through the night without getting up to pee. Thank uterus for finally getting its punk-ass self out of my pelvic cavity and off of my damn bladder, like the pregnancy books promised would happen WEEKS AGO.

7:37: Feed pets. Max immediately begins slurping and inhaling his food at an alarming rate, while Ceiba sits by her untouched bowl, quietly observing the frenzy.

7:38: Max is done. And now he is sad. Ceiba takes her cue and starts loudly and happily munching on her kibble, occasionally walking up to Max to crunch in his face. Max, completely forgetting that he ever had food in the first place, looks at me like, "Why? Why do you make my life so very hard?"

7:39: I swear I am not making this up. 

7:42: Jason is in the shower. Shit. Might as well go back to bed and lie down for a few more minutes.

8:03: Vaguely aware of Jason calling my name. What?

8:05: SHIIIIT.

8:06 - 8:18: Shower. Try to think of way to blame lateness on Jason.

8:19: Because Jason strongly prefers long hair, I am forced to keep my hair long and therefore I require tons of primping time in the morning, so really, it IS all his fault. Ta-da!

8:20: Hate. Maternity. Clothes.

8:22: So much.

8:30: Need to leave for work this instant.

8:31: Jason returns from walking Ceiba, finds me standing in the kitchen eating a chocolate pudding cup, still in my underwear.

8:32: Shirt. Pants. Hate.

8:35: Apply makeup. Momentarily debate drawing smiley face on belly with eye pencil and taking picture. Jason enters bathroom to kiss me goodbye and pretend that he didn't actually see me staring at the mirror with my shirt up and an eye pencil in hand.

8:42: Hair, which has been wrapped in a towel, turban-style, has dried all bent and frizzy.

8:43: Should be fired from Advice Smackdown duties.

8:44: Untangle cord to blow-dryer.

8:45: Which is not happening.

8:46: How does a cord get so tangled in 24 hours? By just SITTING THERE in a CABINET. It is EVIL and POSESSED.

8:52: Hair is dry and sort of vaguely straight. Decide to over-product-it-up and scrunch it so it looks like I purposely went for bendy-straw-hair.

8:53: I want more pudding.

8:56: Run upstairs for jewelry and shoes, check reflection in full-length mirror for first time. Red bra totally visible through pink shirt.

8:58: Options: change to white bra from two cup sizes ago, iron a new shirt, blame the lighting and change nothing.

8:59: The lighting in my bedroom IS really weird, actually.

9:00: Cannot find full pair of footie socks.

9:01: Where are all the footie socks?

9:02: I swear to God, I've bought 400 pairs of footie socks in the past six months alone.

9:03: Find one footie sock mixed up with the dish towels.

9:04: Find other footie sock stuck to the side of the washer, soaking wet.

9:05: Put on one dry footie sock and both shoes, gather purse and keys while frantically waving wet footie sock in air.

9:06: Stop looking at me like that, Ceiba.

9:08: Outside! Headed towards car!

9:09: Parking enforcement. Shit. Must act casual yet get to car quickly before expired inspection sticker is spotted.

9:10: Is impossible for a pregnant woman to look casual while trying to walk quickly.

9:11: Especially if said pregnant woman is carrying a footie sock.

9:12: Parking enforcement person is ticketing out-of-state car parked behind mine. Frantically and not-at-all-casually get into car, fumble with keys and drive off just in time.

9:14: That was all very James Bond, wasn't it?

9:15: Hang wet footie sock on air vent.

9:22: XM Radio exists merely so humans have the option of going from Lucinda Williams to The Killers to 80's dance songs in a single commute.

9:24: I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it...

9:30: So. Late. 

9:33: Footie sock is still not dry. Turn up fan. Footie sock sails off of vent and into backseat.

9:37: At work. Park, retrieve slightly damp footie sock from backseat. Decide pneumonia is better than blisters and put on.

9:40: In office. If anyone asks, I had an offsite meeting at 9 am and it was totally productive.

9:41: I wonder if anyone would notice if I ran out to Starbucks real quick?



oh man, are your mornings going to get INSANE when you throw a child into that mix!


The section at 9:24 made me laugh loudly. And my coworkers gave me weird looks. But I worked it worked it anyway.


I laughed through the whole thing, and luckily I don't have co-workers.. but especially 9:24. That would have been me, except it would have been: Groove is in the hearrrrraaaaaaaiiihhht, Groove is in the heaarrrrraaaaaiiihhht.


I disagree with Kalisah. Having the child will not make things HARDER - it will just give us better excuses for being late.

Laura B

Haaa! I had to forward this to my husband to show him I am not the only one who tried putting my alarm clock across the room! After a couple of months of getting up, hitting snooze, and getting back in bed 3-5 times each morning, the clock has moved back to the bedside table. Was not working. But maybe I needed the secret backup alarm! Maybe we both need this:


I finally realized where all my footie socks were going; the dog was eating them. And they're even less attractive regurgitated.


I like to move it move it. I like to move it move it.



It's true, I am now also cursed by the 80s dance song. Seriously, Amy, your timline entries are the best. Friggin hilarious.

Dr. Johnny Fever

1:04 p.m. PST: Dr. Johnny Fever laughs his ass off.


Holy sheee-ite Amy... that really cracked my shit up. My mom wanted to know why I was laughing so hard and I couldn't speak.

And I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who is now singing "I like to move it move it... I like to move it move it...." HA!



Will you and Jason come over for dinner this weekend? I love you two.

I mean, three. The Babalah, I love him so!

type a

wait - so the footie socks exist to prevent blisters?


you're just telling me now?

bond girl

Loved the timeline. Loved.


I hope it was Cozy Shack pudding. mmm!

Every pregnant woman I know just loves that stuff. :)


(1) my alarm clock is also across the room (2) my dog also eats socks and poops them out in the backyard (3) tell me about the footie socks, what kind they are, what kind of shoes you are wearing them with, etc. That is all.


OMG I totally have that cd. And who DOESN'T stand in their kitchen eating chocolate pudding in their underwear?

Pump up the jam, pump it! Yo, pump it!


Not only do I purposefully set my alarm clock ahead by an "unknown" number of minutes, but I hit the snooze button so, so, so, so, so, SO many, many times.
I would like to add that if I could download the very cool Eddie Izzard
ring tones and alarm tones - I would be much happier because I would wake and do so laughing.


Jessica: It was indeed pudding from the Shack of Kozy. I'm buying it in bulk these days.

Laura: My footie socks are the wee nude-colored kind, also known as "not socks." (clicky) I wear them with just about any kind of shoe that might otherwise require socks or hose, both of which I hate wearing.

Footie socks are great for preventing blisters and foot stank, and are practically invisible while on. Unfortunately, dogs like to eat them and they tend to vanish in the wash. Footie Sock Gnomes, perhaps?

And to everybody else, I knew y'all liked to move it move it. Now you must excuse me, as I must take Miss Ceiba to a neighborhood Doggie Happy Hour thing. And no, I'm not making that up either.


oh god, I HATE! that panicky feeling when I know my inspection sticker is up and I've forgotten to renew it until a police officer is sitting facing me at a light or checking meters... HATE. You have my full sympathy and empathy and whatnot--I forget every year, so I know the feeling well...


Lowest forms of life:
1) Shysters who bilk old people out of their life savings.
2) Crack-dealing-child-molester-animal-abusers.
3) DC Parking Enforcement. Congratulations of your clean getaway. It was a victory for us all.


Oh, I so competely feel your pain on the running late mornings-o-panic. And my alarm clock...well...sometimes my husband hides it in different places so that I'll have to drag my lazy ass out of bed in the morning and find the piece of shit. That. Sucks.

I'm going to have to look into this whole footie sock thing. Because hose...summer...Augusta, GA...oh HELL NO.

At least its the weekend now, right?


My husband keeps his alarm clock at the end of the bed so he can reach down and hit snooze with his big toe. Yes, my 4 year old has mastered the snooze abuse as well. I keep telling him he is enabling daddy.


Hi Amalah!

I'm just a random girl who came across your website and now loves it! I feel a little weird knowing a little about you and you not even knowing that I'm here. (Can you tell I'm new to blogs?) So, HI! My name is April, I'm 29, single, and live in California with my Chihuahua Ernie and my very kind mom and dad. Congrats on your precious boy!

April ;)


Laughing my heinie off, as per usual. Seriously, I have two girls, both of whom are past the whole "waking up mommy" stage. Soooo, good luck with that. Ha.


I am still laughing. ...And I totally agree with Zoot.


Comment having nothing to do with this post:

I flew into Dulles this afternoon and saw a woman in the ladies room with your diaper bag, but in red. She seemed very cool as she calmly waited her turn at the changing station with her (about) 6 month old. The child was also quite relaxed. The bag appeared to be a great shape while receiving regular use.

All good omens for you - the bag brings serenity to mother and child in crowded airport bathrooms!


Amy- I love your blog! Oh, how you make me laugh. As for your hatred of maternity clothes, I must offer some unsolicited advice: have you discovered gap maternity? They have some of the best looking maternity clothes, there is always a bunch of stuff on sale on their web site, and you can return it to any gap store if it doesn't fit. OK, advice over. Congratulations on squishy!


Hilarious and why do footie socks always get misplaced with dish towels? There is a cult.


Hilarious and why do footie socks always get misplaced with dish towels? There is a cult.


My morning was pretty much the same, except that I skipped the shower. Also, I had a "doctor's appointment" that I forgot to tell anyone about. Tom Cruise and Katie are going to be on Oparah this week!


Correction, Tom and Katie are going to be on Oprah TODAY! I so wish I had Tivo....


hey - did you try putting a footie sock in a lingerie bag? You'll need to put babalah's stuff in a lingerie bag anyway (socks and washcloths)...

We found out the hard way - a washcloth (baby size) got out from inside the washdrum and into the workings of the machine. As soon as the repair guy figured out I had a little one, he knew what to look for to fix it. Said you have to put the little things in a bag (we'd gone 3 YEARS without incident, but when it happens, it SUCKS)


Could you get me a latte if you go to Starbucks? :)


By the way, what's so great about Cozy Shack pudding? I don't think I've ever had it--do you have to be pregnant to appreciate it?

Mrs S.

Hahaha, I loved this post! I have never commented before, but I had to this time. You never fail to make me laugh!

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