Good Morning America (and Amalah)
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

What To Expect When You Don't Know You're Expecting

So I was having a conversation with Diana about those little moments when you were totally acting like a crazy pregnant lady, but you didn't know you were pregnant yet -- but, looking back, how fucking dense could you be?

(Well, originally we were talking about how my TiVo cut off the last minute of last week's Gilmore Girls season finale and how I called her in an ABSOLUTE HYSTERICAL PANIC to find out what I missed, but obviously, this is the perfect segue into Other Crazy Things Crazy Pregnant Ladies Do.)

Diana recalls sitting on the couch, eating Little Debbie Star Crunch Cosmic Snacks and "crying my eyes out reading The Green Mile."

Before I knew I was pregnant, I rented 13 Going On 30 and watched it one night that Jason had to work late. He came home right as the movie ended to find me sobbing on the couch. And when I say "sobbing," I don't mean the usual sniffly-snuffly girl cries, like how I cry at the end of Steel Magnolias ("BUT MAH DAUGHTER CAAAAAAN'T!!"). I mean a full-on heaving cry, complete with audio, like how Ben Stiller cries at the end of Something About Mary.

For anyone who has never seen 13 Going On 30, I would like to point out that ending is very much a happy one. Nobody dies or reunites with their estranged ghost dad or shoots Bambi's mother.

So when Jason walked in to find me on the couch, face in my hands, shoulders shaking and mascara running down my neck, because I was just so damn HAPPY for Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo, he was Very, Very Confused. And Sort Of Concerned.

And I could only explain that yes, I was crying because I was happy, but also because I didn't think the movie had done well enough at the box office to merit a sequel that would show nothing but Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo being happy and married in that happy house that looked JUST LIKE THE DOLLHOUSE HE MADE FOR HER WHEN SHE WAS 13 AND ALMOST DIDN'T APPRECIATE UNTIL TOO LATE and then the tears started again and I made Jason sit on the couch and hold me for awhile.

And it never once crossed my mind that maybe I was pregnant.

Diana's husband knew something was up the instant she suggested baking chocolate brownies with chocolate chips. He suggested that maybe she should take a pregnancy test, because honey, you hate chocolate, remember?

Jason suggested the same thing the night I puked in a restaurant bathroom at the mere sight of his beef tartare appetizer. (Thankfully, he left that incident out of his review of the evening.) I laughed at him and ordered another martini, because boy, please.

To be fair, the 427 negative pregnancy tests from the past year or two left me a tad bitter. Or very bitter. Okay, extremely bitter. But, as Diana put it: You still think you'll KNOW. Like, you'll have this moment where you're aware that LIFE has been CREATED.

You expect pregnancy to begin with some sort of cosmic hunch -- a vague new-agey feeling that your body is incubating a tiny little miracle and ta-da! Your skin will glow and perhaps a halo will descend from heaven and alight on your holy, mothering head.

Instead, your skin breaks out and you cry when there's no pudding and most importantly, you don't feel any different at all.

And it's the perfect introduction to pregnancy, which also turns out to be Not At All What You Were Expecting Either. It's worse. It's better. It's totally fucking weird, yo.

But at least, once you know, you don't feel like such a freak for crying during Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and eating an entire package of salami.

I take that back. You still feel like a freak. But you have hope that maybe, just maybe, you'll return to a less freak-like state at some point. Maybe by the time the kid goes to college.

But in the meantime, everybody ELSE better fucking respect that fucking halo resting above your life-giving, freak head, because this shit is HARD.

Comments

kathy

Oh, how I remember those crying jags. But mostly I remember Slim Jims. ( See your 'loving' column).

Jenn

Isn't that the truth! When I wasn't aware of my pregnant status, I was just SUPER tired. Tired beyond belief. My boobs were hurting, I had some cramping and I just thought I was suffering from PMS.

I was quite accustomed to having late periods, freaking out that I was pregnant and starting a few days later... so I just assumed that I was late, once again.

I am NOT a cryer at movies. People were bawling at the movie theater watchign Titanic and I didn't shed a tear. I had a crying fit while watching The Notebook. I mean, full-blown bawling.

I'll stop rambling!

Cagey

When my HPT came up positive, I thought for sure the stupid stick was "broken" (in my defense, my doctors had told me I would have problems conceiving) My husband had to calmly point out all my symptoms indicated I was probably pregnant. I then walked around for the rest of the 1st trimester very skeptical. I even tried to keep it a secret to prepare myself for the "inevitable". As my friends "outed me" left and right, they thought I was being cynical when I expressed doubt (I still think I was being realistic). It wasn't until I heard the heartbeat that I truly believed it. I am nearing 20 weeks now and am finally getting better at not using the word "hopefully".

Dr. Johnny Fever

Mad props to you, my blubbering, life-giving sistuh, even if you do watch (and ENJOY?) movies that are cheap-ass imitations of Big.

Lisa

You know whenever I acted like an idiot, I used to tell Bert "Shut up, what the hell have you done today ? I created a damn person!" Then he would slink out of the room and remember to throw chocolate ahead of him next time. It always distracted me, and he usually didn't end up bleeding.

Amanda

My first "I didn't know I was pregnant" I could not hold one ounce of alcohol. This was odd cause we had been to the shore every weekend that summer having drinking fests. That following Monday I started getting sick from the smell of the airconditioner. Do airconditioners smell?

My second "I didn't know I was pregnant" I got my laundry locked in the laundromat. I showed up at 10:03p and the place closed at 10p. I was so ticked off that I called the police and forced them to open the place. I could have waited till the morning. It was my stupid fault anyway. (I didn't see it that way at the time.)

L

Okay, so, I keep telling my husband that even though when I get PMS I cry at the drop of a hat (I sobbed one month when I dropped a Valentine's Day card under the bed. For 1/2 an hour), there's no way I could be WORSE when I get pregnant so he really shouldn't regret marrying me. This post, therefore, is worrying me a little.

Jenny

I cry at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and eat whole packages of salami and I'm not even close to pregnant. Now THAT is freakish ... haha.

warcrygirl

Before I realized I was preggers with my first I had started using some Sally Hansen's nail strengthener and I suddenly had these gorgeous, even beautiful nails! Silly me. I also had killer heartburn no matter what. I figured since I already had the heartburn I may as well enjoy myself and pretty much ate nothing but Taco Bell and chili dogs my entire pregnancy.

Of course I'm paying for it now with a huge ass and thighs to match. Dammit.

Sarcastic Journalist

I threw up every morning. Had heartburn. Wasn't able to run because I was so "tired" and was an emotional wreck. I also had nasty skin.

Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind. I thought that I had a gallbladder attack.

crazyridelady

My daughter is going to college in the fall and I think I'm getting into a MORE freak-like state. I'm going to be impossible to live with.

becky

I'm not pregnant, but I had to delurk because I had the same reaction to 13 going on 30. I cried on and off throughout the whole movie. My fiance stared at me the whole time perplexed and confused. He's in for a treat if we do have a kid in the future.

Erin

haha, so i'm not pregant and not planning on it for a very long time, but that was hilarious!
and steel magnolias makes me cry like a baby every time.
and so does that stupid chase visa credit card commercial where the little girl is getting married...

Jen

It's ET that does it to me everytime. Uncontrollable sobbing as the spaceship is flying away at the end. I'm not pregnant, though. What's my excuse?

Real Girl

13 Going on 30...was it baby's first movie?

not-for-profit-dad

13 Going On 30 was one of the first movies we dared rent and actually try and watch after we got the kids home. Post-partum, my wife bawled her eyes out at the end for that plucky little couple. Ah, to be thirty and flirty and thriving...

Terri

I was a vegetarian for 10 years and suddenly started craving rare steaks and eating bacon bits like they were candy. I wasn't even late and yet i knew something was up.
Oh - and the crying at stuff may never diminish. Hopefully for your sake but i'm so much more sensitive than i ever was before being pregnant and cry at the most absurd things....but happy absurd thank god.

stella

I'm not pregnanat, not even dating, but that Extrem Makeover Home Edition makes me blubber each time.

Cathy

Please tell me you found out what happened on the season finale of Gilmore Girls - because the best part was literally in the last 5 seconds!!!!

bellabelly

Ha! I so feel you on this one. I bought a cd with different hair metal ballads-- and cried my eyes out at every one of the songs-- especially Love of a Lifetime. That one REALLY got me.

I also cry when I puke up Taco Bell, because I love Taco Bell so much and hate to see it wasted.

junkie

I already knew I was pregnant, but even if I hadn't known....the fact that I was bawling my eyes out while watching "Cops" (one of my most hated shows ever) would have hopefully clued me in.

And yes, like lots of others have said...Extreme Makeover:Home Edition is designed to make everyone cry, pregnant or not. No one is immune.

allison

Unless immaculate, I should not be pregnant...but I too found myself hysterically sobbing at Extreme Makeover H.E. - so much so that I wrote an entire blog entry about it (including a brief mention about the commercials by which I was referring to that Visa one with the wedding). And yes, Steel Mags and ET, too. And Beaches. *sob*

brandi

I am not pregnant. Never have been. BUT -- I did hysterically sob upon watching "13 Going on 30" and my roommates STILL relentlessly make fun of me for that very fact. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one, although small consolation that it's a crazy pregnant woman. Oh, but the end with the dollhouse, and then that part where she crawls into bed with her parents...gaaaah so much crying!

Laura B

I'm not pregnant yet, but I also cried watching 13 Going on 30! I cried at the end and when she goes home to see her parents and that fabulous Billy Joel song, Vienna, is playing.

suzanna danna

I am already a big bucket of crazy. And the husband and I sat at the back of the movie theater and cried like little sissie girls for the last 20 minutes of "The Notebook". Note to self: Prepare well... or go into hiding when pregnant.

Johanna

The first time I was pregnant and didn't know it, I smelled stale condensation in our air ducts! We had every neighbor in the area in our house smelling it because my husband decided I was loosing it! And of course that made me cry.

This time, the heartburn got me before the smells... but it was the wrong season for stale condensation.

And I'm going to have to rent 13 going on 30 this weekend. I can't believe I lived this long without a good Jen Gardner cry!

Frema

I always cry at the end of Terminator 2, but I've never been pregnant, so I don't know what my excuse is.

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