Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Everything Is Okay

Crimes of Fashion, Plus Gratuitous Belly Photos

And also, one last note about maternity clothes...

All the pregnancy books suggest "wear[ing] your husband's clothes! Pair a men's dress shirt with some kicky stirrup leggings! His jeans won't look ridiculous on you at all! And if you're single, gay or just plain fatter than your husband, well, fuck you! Ha!"

I have actually taken this Very Stupid Advice from time to time and borrowed Jason's t-shirts. I like to choose ones that are particularly tasteful and appropriate.

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This one announces to the world that yes, I am indeed carrying the Skeletor Demonspawn of Hell, so hand over the pudding.

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Earlier this week, I received a particularly amusing comment from some (fat, lonely, unloved) troll who informed me that I am odd-looking, have feet like Fred Flintstone's and anyone who comes to me for hair and make-up advice should be really be referred to an opthalmologist.

She signed it with the classic hate-mail closing, "Just a thought." Like, sure, you're just offering some impromptu friendly advice here, and totally did not just spend over 20 minutes composing what you imagine to be a brilliant, deadly blow to my ego, and also, you totally did not have to Google the correct spelling of "opthalmologist." (edited to add: Okay! It's ophthalmologist! Google let both me and our trollish friend down. Sheesh.)

I imagine the Fred Flintstone bit is a reference to the ugly-yet-comfy-as-a-fluffy-cloud Born sandals I am wearing in this photo, for which I make NO APOLOGIES, and will instead smile with karmic delight at what this troll's feet will look like during pregnancy, when they will probably swell to Sideshow-Bob-like proportions. Yabba-dabba-do, bitch.

However, she makes a valid point about the hair and make-up advice thing. I really don't know how all that started or why people suddenly started asking me about lipglosses and hair products or why this post continues to get a zillion hits a day.

So, as penance for my audacity to give beauty tips while not being myself an actual supermodel or something, I'm presenting a list of Secret Beauty Confessions, or The Things I Do That I Know I Shouldn't.

1. I wear my hair in a ponytail to bed.
2. My hair looks best when blow-dryed layer by layer, using professional duckbill clips and a round brush. I tell my hairdresser that I do this every day. This is a big fucking lie.
3. I bite my nails. (Pregnancy has made them oddly indestructible, but at any other point in my life, my nails have been nothing but 10 brittle, gnawed-down stubs.)
4. I never get pedicures.
5. The last time I painted my toenails was in March. (To be fair, I can't see my toes anymore, much less comfortably reach them unless I do some complicated gymnastics on my stairs, and really, who cares?)
6. I still use Q-Tips to clean my ears, eardrums and brain damage BE DAMNED.
7. If I'm in a hurry, I'll shave my legs with a wet razor and nothing else.
8. I always forget to tweeze my eyebrows.
9. I use Pantene hairspray.
10. I still wear a pair of cheap, square-toed pumps from Nine West to work occasionally because they're really, really comfortable.
11. I can't properly contour blush to save my life.
12. I own eye-makeup remover, but I hardly ever use it.
13. I still love those slightly-masochistic blackhead-strips from Bioré that don't really do a damn thing except give you a cheap giddy thrill at the sight of the crud you just ripped from your pores.
14. My husband is the only one who remembers to put out a fresh washcloth, ever, as I'll keep using the same one until it's literally BLACK with eye makeup and dirt.
15. I am Very Bad About Flossing.

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Man, that was liberating. And now I will post photos of the nasty, unflossedness that is Me At 23 Weeks Pregnant. Please also note that today was not a day for the Proper Blow-Drying Technique.

From the front: I don't look pregnant at all. Just a little thick, like after eating a lot of hot dogs.

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From the side: poochie!

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And uncensored:

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(By the way, it's really, really hard to take a belly photo by yourself.)

(Also by the way, the top is from Old Navy, the hand-me-down capris are from Motherhood. This entire outfit cost me $12.99! Whoo!)

Believe it or not, there really is a baby in there, and that baby is currently 11 inches long. That's this big:

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He kicks me very, very hard. He must have inherited my Fred Flintstone feet.

Comments

alfredsmom

I think its fair to say that we are all dying to know what your tattoo says/is. What? We arent ALL dying to know? Fine, just me.

Sabine

Somehow that was a relief to know that you do those things too (sleep in a ponytail, use biore strips, etc)..... :)

And that's the cutest pregnant belly evah!

Dr. Johnny Fever

Wait! Hooooooold everything! You have a tat?! ON YOUR LOWER BACK EVEN?! What does it say?

kalisah

I think you rock the advice column. I don't care what anyone says.

Amalah

I cannot BELIEVE y'all haven't read and memorized EVERY WORD in my archives. I'm so hurt, I might just jab Q-Tips into my brain.

You can read about my tattoos (yes, plural) right here.

wn

Amalah, sometimes you really do make me snort coffee...(accidentally, of course). Christ, that was funny. We adoring fans are pleased to know that you don't always follow your beauty rules..:*)

Kristie

I would also like to know what the tattoo says.

Even though we all know that trolls are a giant pain in the butt it's kind of a compliment that people spend time drafting nasty comments to you in the most snotty way they know how. They're jealous. They aren't as pretty, they aren't as smart, and they probably don't have a dedicated readership.

tani

i'm with alfredsmom and dr. johnny. tat info stat!

CrazyRideLady

My favorite is the "bird" you're showing us in the last photo. 11 inches looks huge! Imagine how big your cute poochie belly is going to be when Squishy reaches the average 20 inches! Cool!!

Zoot

After reading your maternity clothes article yesterday, I thought "My Motherhood stuff is lasting so far" until this morning, when I pulled on of the cheap t-shirts out of the dryer and there was a HOLE in it. Damn you and your brilliance.

Also - I read Julie's article this afternoon. This "Yep, postponing telophase? That right there is a dream deferred, my friends, and therefore a dream denied." is my favorite part.

snowy

at first i thought you were measuring your nose for us-- you know, for that puuurfect Biore fit(?).
but really, i think i was just distracted by the mental imagery of this: 7. If I'm in a hurry, I'll shave my legs with a wet razor and nothing else.
no soap or cream? oWie!
also? you are adorable and do not have F.F. feet.

Mir

You know, I read Maggot's comment that day and thought FOR SURE she'd just come from Suburban Bliss and felt she was so on a role bitching about people's feet, she might as well give YOU what-for as well. Because, um, HELLO, you hadn't posted anything having to do with feet AT ALL. And sometimes it's hard to coordinate one's wee little brain when there's so much useless hate seeping out of it.

halloweenlover

Cutest belly ever!

I think that when the next person walks up to Jason he should act totally shocked and outraged and be like "WHAT? Who is Jason? What are you talking about? Is that Jason's baby in your belly there?" And then start cursing and thank the person for bringing it to his attention.

Tee hee!

And your feet are not ugly.

I have a confession though. I just switched jobs and now have to walk about 2 miles (1 mile to subway-1 mile from subway to work) every day and I am considering getting uggs for that walk. even though I have resisted the ugliness until now. Have you discovered anything remotely cute that is warm and comfy?

Shiz

Why must the trolls be hatin'? They must be miserable people.

Barefootgoddess

I'm a mom of 3 with 5, count 'em 5 tattoos, and when I was pregnant my fav thing to wear was my husband's boxer briefs. Those were comfy.

Amalah

Halloweenlover: I own Uggs. I bought them just a few weeks after posting that column. They are clunky and over and whatever, but seriously, they're so soft and warm. And as long as you aren't wearing them with tablecloth sundresses in 80 degree weather like BritBrit, I think they are kind of cute.

Also, a gentle reminder to everybody: Even if you are being nice and non-trollish, comments posted without a valid email or web address will be deleted. Sorry.

Ninotchka

(I meant to post this comment under THIS entry - sorry)

Oh wait, so you're a real, living, breathing, Q-tip using, non-flossing person? Well, shit. I, for one, am not reading your blog anymore. Ugh. What a freakin' disappointment!

(grin)

Your belly is so cute. I'm 25 weeks along with my third and my belly is riddled with silvery stretch marks. It's still cute but I could do without the filigree-like pattern on my GUT. ha ha ha

lizardek

No sign of brain damage so far. :D

Fraulein N

Wow. 11 inches is LONG; you'd never know the baby is that big by looking at you. Oh, and I'm stealing "Yabba-dabba-do, bitch" as my own comeback for assholes.

bd

Um, you don't have troll feet, and Born shoes rock. Comfy is key with pregnancy. As for the tat thing, are you still considering covering the name on your lower back? Oh, and it's spelled opHthalmology, by the way. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Amalah

Goddamn it. Serves me right for not double- or triple-checking a troll's spelling.

In other news, opthamologist/opthalmologist/ophthalmologist may be the most misspelled word on the entire Internet, with even the actual websites of doctors and hospitals spelling it all sorts of wacky ways.

Bren

Just delurking to say

1. You are not in any way trollish.

2. You are absolutely hysterical and I love reading your blog.

Have a great day!

warcrygirl

I too saw the troll's comment. I bet she's jealous because she has Hobbit feet. Also, the Kil Keaton "letter"; LOVED. IT. Sometimes I swear I'm the only one on the internet who doesn't like him.

Advice is advice, not rules to live by lest you be struck by lightning. Which reminds me, I've got a letter/request for advice I need to write...

VHMPrincess

With my last pregnancy, it was winter when I was fully "in bloom" - so when I outgrew my maternity clothes, I simply turned the heat way up in the house and stole my husbands shorts and t-shirts (yes, he's very tall and well built).

Love the bird - hope you're sending that special-like for the troll.

Amalah

Aaaaaand this is totally the last time I comment, but I'm bored today and y'all are my only source of entertainment other than throwing pens at people as they pass by my office.

Count my knuckles in that last photo. My middle finger is actually bent, while my double-jointed index finger is the one that's pointing to the 11. It's an illlluuuuusion! Wooo!

Also, and I totally cannot believe I'm just now thinking of this, but MY FETUS GOES UP TO ELEVEN.

kathy

Hey: the reason that one post gets a zillion hits a day? is because it mentions black fishnet stockings and believe it or not there are lots of fetishy people out there. Who google for things like black fishnet stockings. And lots of worse things too.

I know, it's hard to believe.

Completely unrelated? To properly contour your blush (close your eyes as assvise is on the way). Fake smile. Like the fakest smile you ever smiled. Then gently brush the blush on the high parts of your cheeks. Blend. Voila.

Jenn

Great post!

Re: The troll

Idiocy is reaching epidemic proportions, and companies are making the operation of a computer so easy that the fuckers have access to the internet and can spread their hate, ignorance and plain stupidity with wanton abandon. Oh, hooray.

With that being said, it is simply amazing how fast these little ones grow, eh? I've found if I drink a bit of Pepsi or Coke, he does a little jig, which is quite interesting!

Of course, I won't be as thrilled when he is using my bladder as a trampoline.

Nola

I WAS THINKING THAT TOO! About going up to eleven, I mean. Christopher Guest would be so proud of the squishy!

alektra

I'm sorry, I still think you are stunningly beautiful. You with the ruler? SO pretty! So there!

Anne A.

Troll, schmoll. You? Gorgeous. And the belly is bee-yew-tee-full!

jamie

Ummm, yah, just gotta say, lived in my hubby's boxer briefs with number two. man they were the best things....

deb

goddamn hilarious. screw the feet bitch. You've got the rockin' orange skull tshirt and that badass look to go with it. Gorgeous, woman!

you kick my brother's blogging ass - oh, but don't tell him that. It must be that prego lady glow.

Maria

Just delurking to say.... I LLLUUUUUUUURRRRRRRVVVEEEEEEEEEE your blog! Everything, and especially the advice.
So troll: f off.

Heather

Damn, girl...think how much time the troll took to compose that gem of a comment. You are worthy and fabulous! For real, though, fuck 'em. I think that 99% of us read you because we LIKE you. Duh.

karmajenn

Three words that should never be used together. Kicky. Stirrup. Pants. As for borrowing the hubby's clothes, I don't know...you look like you're rocking that T-shirt. When I get up to 23 weeks I might have to come back for some hatin' b/c it's completely not fair for you to be that cute while very pregnant. I'll probably end up looking a la beached whale. (Totally kidding about the hatin'. Ok, maybe not. No, really.)

LeenaBeena

Damn! You had to make a Spinal Tap reference and cause me to de-lurk!!

I love your blog, your prego belly is fabulous, and I admire a woman who wears sensible shoes


Zoe

I heart Jason's t-shirt. Lots.

And with regards to hairspray, it usually doesn't matter which one you use, the cheaper ones are sometimes the best. Professionals supposedly swear by Elnett, dahling. Your beauty sins, I do nearly all of them... So fuck the troll. I bet you she goes to the place that Dare Not Speak It's Name, that rhymes with Lair Guttery.

Real Girl

Love the wavy hair. Why the need to blow completely straight? I esp. like the Bohemian waves in the Jason-shirt-photo.

And of course with miracle-of-life-belly to look at, I'm focusing on the hair...

honestyrain

do you dye your hair because i swear you used to have short brown hair.

honestyrain

bloody hell, you have the same camera as i do. does it suck??? mine won't take a focused picture indoors without a flash. does yours do this??? if so, have you figured out how to fix it? dammit woman, please inform.

and maybe it wasn't you with the brown hair. maybe it was someone else. ya think?

Dr. Apathy

Good choice of which finger was used to destine the 11" mark on the scale.

Rahn

Anyone who could be so mean to you after you have created this wonderful site that allows us all to peek in on your world should be ashamed.

Or better yet, the bitch troll should have karma bite her in the ass and then twist like a croc in a death roll.

Just a thought

Zoot

Today? I'm bored, so I read every comment here and

A)I didnt question the tatoo b/c I remembered it being the Hebrew version of Jason's name, but for shits and giggles I read the link anyway - and damn - I'm wrong. I walked away from that entry committing WRONG information to my longterm memory. I'm a sinner.

B)I'm swollen.

qp

Google is a harsh mistress! So is spelling. Fie!

PaintingChef

Excellent list...I'm also guilty of most of those. That would be numbers: 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 15.

That is a kicky little optical illusion with the fingers you've got going on there.

Tonja

I had not previously read the post on applying makeup with a brush but have a question (not trying to be snarky, but a geniune question): Shouldn't you apply your moisturizer with a brush, too? Because you just used those dirty fingers to apply moisturizer, how come it's not OK for foundation?

Amalah

Tonja: Using your fingers for moisturizer is just a necessary evil. Moisturizer needs to be massaged into your skin where it can nourish from within. You just can't do this with a brush or a sponge.

Foundation, on the other hand, shouldn't be rubbed deep into your pores so a brush works nicely to apply a sheer coat to just the top layer of skin.

So just wash your hands with soap and water before applying moisturizer and you'll minimize the grime factor. You can also try using the back of your hand to rub it in and avoid contact with your germy, oily fingertips, but honestly, there's no need to get completely OCD about the fingers-touching-face rule. Just try not to touch it during the day or right after digging into a bag of Fritos or something.

E.

I thought you looked pretty in the pictures w/ black t-shirt (sorry, couldn't see your face in the orange shirt). At first I thought you looked like Gwynth Paltrow.

That's sounds very suck-upy, but I mean it sincerely.

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