Crimes of Fashion, Plus Gratuitous Belly Photos
This Entire Entry Is One Long Sentence

Everything Is Okay

You know what makes for a super-extra-great weekend? An emergency trip to Labor & Delivery! You probably never would have thought of that, but seriously, it's a fucking gas.

Luckily, as the post title indicates, Everything Is Okay. But for a while we thought maybe everything was not okay, and that was very much Not Fun. NOT FUN.

(Warning: If you decide to read all about the Not Fun, you will encounter some girly-parts talk and words like "discharge" and "vaginal." If this also sounds like Not Fun, you have my blessing to skip this entry.)

Once upon a time, it was a day called "Thursday" in an age known as "last week," and I noticed a slight change in the...um...

In the...stuff that...

Oh, fuck it. Let's be all grown-up and medical and say it. I noticed a change in the consistency of my vaginal discharge. Instead of white and goopy (EW), it was clear and watery (EW EW). I thought nothing of it, even when it continued on Friday and was a heavy enough flow to make me look like I'd peed myself or something (EW EW EW). And again, I ignored it.

(At this point, pregnancy veterans or anyone who has read a pregnancy book all the way through are starting to scream, "YOU DUMB FUCK. CALL YOUR DOCTOR." at their computer screens.)

Finally, on Saturday night (right before we were heading out for dinner), I decided to pull out the pregnancy book and look up this newest annoyance and threat to my clean underwear.

And I found it, right in the section about PRETERM LABOR SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS.

Holy FUCK. What?

I consulted the Internet and found it again on babycenter.com, listed as one of the 10 PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS YOU SHOULD NEVER IGNORE.

Amy's Brain: Amniotic FLUID, you stupid shit. You've been leaking it for TWO DAYS now and slowly killing your baby and doing NOTHING ABOUT IT.

At this point, I also realized that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before.

Amy's Uterus: *eerily quiet*

Amy: *pokes stomach repeatedly* Hello? Baby?

Amy's Eyes: *here come the waterworks*

Jason was outside walking the dog during all of this, by the way, and returned to find me on the phone with my doctor's answering service, sobbing hysterically.

Amy: (to Jason) We can't go out for dinner. I think the baby is in trouble.

Amy: (to answering service) Heellllllllllllp. Doctor. Discharge. Vagina. Water. Ack.

Answering Service: (is a GUY, for Christ's sakes) I hate this job.

Jason: No...dinner?

While we waited for the doctor's call and I filled Jason in on the discharge situation (Jason: And you are just NOW telling me about this? And looking it up? And how about some more steaming hot guilt, you murderer of my son and denier of my dinner?), I pulled out the rented doppler that I've been meaning to send back one of these days, I SWEAR.

Y'all, I couldn't find his heartbeat. And I died. Died!

The doctor called, and surprise surprise, we were off to the hospital.

Doctor: Well, it could be nothing. Or it could be something. Definitely one of those two things. Go to the hospital to be sure.

And so we had our first official dry run to the hospital. Drive time: 17 minutes, thanks to the new car and Jason's belief that if we got pulled over we had a damn fine excuse.

Stuff I thought about during the drive to the hospital: Whether or not I should return the maternity clothes I'd bought that day or keep them, although it's not like I could ever wear them again after knowing that I bought them the day the baby died and I swear to GOD, if Britney Spears has a baby this September and I don't, somebody will DIE.

I thought I felt him kick in the car, but wasn't sure. Usually he kicks pretty damn hard, but all I could sense was faint tapping, which just made me think that he was alive but suffering from a loss of fluid and it was ALL MY FAULT and WHY IS BRITNEY SPEARS ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE? HAVE THEY NOT SEEN HER REALITY SHOW? CAN WE ALL JUST WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE HER GO AWAY FOREVER?

We arrived at the hospital and they made me fill out a Very Long Form, which was not appreciated, nor was it appreciated when I was told to go fill out the Very Long Form elsewhere as a Very Very Pregnant Woman came in after me and needed my chair.

Jason:  Jesus. I know she was probably in labor and all, but it's not like you're just hanging out here for fun and the free chairs, or something.

Amy: Dear God, if I make it until September? I will never, ever make anyone give up her chair. Amen.

Anyway. I was taken to a room before the Very Very Chair-Stealing Pregnant Woman, so in the end, I won, or something.

And let me testify that NOTHING, but NOTHING wakes up sleepy little unborn babies faster than one of those hospital-quality fetal monitors that they strap to your waist, because the INSTANT that thing was turned on the little guy started to KICK KICK KICK FLAIL FLAIL PUNCH PUNCH HI MOM YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

"He's just mocking you now," my nurse laughed after about 15 straight minutes of this kung-fu action.

After monitoring his heartbeat (142 bpm) and my uterus (no contractions) for about two hours, she did a PH test (a yellow strip of paper shoved up the cooch) and determined that the discharge, while still clear and watery, was NOT amniotic fluid. And then Jason laughed because apparently you can buy that kind of PH-testing paper at Home Depot. It has ALL SORTS of great uses! Test your faucets AND your vagina!  It's great for parties!

So I was sent home with an all-clear and "discharged with: zero (0) babies" marked on my discharge papers. And I really, really wished it was September already so I could be discharged with: one (1) baby and put this whole gestation roller coaster shit behind me already.

(Seriously though, the whole night was scary and tiring, but I'm really glad we went. Because there is nothing more reassuring and awe-inspiring than spending three hours hooked up to a fetal monitor while the sounds of your child's heartbeat and movements are literally the only sounds in the room. The little guy is doing SO WELL I can hardly stand it. And I can't believe my stupid body is pulling it off, Mystery Fluid notwithstanding.)

(The End, and I promise to never mention vaginal discharge ever again, and also to NEVER EVER check my referral stats for this entry.)

Comments

spammit

glad everything is ok!!

alfredsmom

Oh my God! I am so glad everything is ok! I can only imagine how scary that must have been. But good for you for noticing changes and being proactive about it.

Clink

Despite the reassuring title of the post, I starting tearing up somewhere around "I couldn't find his heartbeat."

I don't think I've ever been so relieved for someone I don't even know.

So glad everything truly is okay.

VHMPrincess

So glad everything is ok...please finish reading those pregnancy books NOW!!! All the way through!

Cagey

You big ole liar. You KNOW you just can't WAIT to talk about your vaginal discharge again. Admit it!

Anyway, glad to hear everything ended well. It is better to be safe than sorry! Hang in there!

Oh, and DITTO on each and every single one of your Britney comments.

halloweenlover

Oh thank goodness. I also started panicking a little when you said you couldn't find his heartbeat. My heart would have up and stalled out right around there.

SO GLAD to hear that everything is okay. But admit it, were you peeing your pants? Is squishy kicking the bladder and causing a slow urine leak? We won't tell, we promise.

Ross

Heh. The day my wife went into labor she had a discharge and was worried, so we took a trip to the emergency room. The pH test said positive for amniotic fluid, but then they did the more accurate "add some gunk and look under a microscope for crystals" test and said that it was not actually amniotic fluid.

We got sent home, and my wife promptly began having contractions. 6 hours later, she had all she could stand of trying to wait it out at home and we went BACK to the hospital (40 minute drive each way, by the way), and they put her in the labor room and she was on drugs about 2 hours after that (she calls 'em the longest 2 hours of her life).

Glad you and the baby are okay, and tell squishy not to scare us like that again!

maricar

I'm so happy everything was okay Amy. So glad it wasn't amnio fluid. Hella scary. With Malia, my water broke at 15 weeks. Yes, I died too. But she's here now. 5 months of bedrest really did the trick. She just turned 12 months. Crazy things happen in my girlie parts.

And won't Britney just go away?

deb

She-it! These things are just too, too much. Scarier than anything. It's good when the hospital folk treat you as they should and care for you kindly and make you feel better. Tell that little bugger, no more shenanigans or he's busted - big time!

Amalah

Jason is convinced that we went to the hospital because I am incontinent. But I swear, the fluid was NOT pee.

I know this because it didn't smell like pee.

Yeah, I smelled it. Don't you dare judge me.

kalisah

I'm so glad everything's OK, but you do yourself a disservice - the entry was actually pretty humorous what with the Britney references and all.

Just promise me, PROMISE ME, if you sense any changes in anything at all you will waste no time and get thee to an ER.

Who cares if they taunt you or roll their eyes or say, "Here comes that crazy paranoid lady AGAIN." YOU HAVE PRECIOUS CARGO.

Dr. Johnny Fever

Phew. Hang in there, Squishy. You're not fully cooked yet, dude.

Amalah, you just KNOW there are going to be some uh-guh-lee Yahoo! searches that bring people to your site because of this entry. Matter of fact, I'm gonna run off right now and Google "goopy cooch discharge" + dumb fuck. Wish me luck.

Mirella

*huge sigh of relief*

SO glad you and baby are OK. Tell Babalah to wait until he's at least in diapers before he starts scaring Mom (and Dad) shitless.

Sabine

What a relief. It's a good thing you started off with "Everything is Ok", or we'd all be having little heart attacks whilst reading this post! Let me be completely unoriginal and say that I am really glad that everything is ok.

amy

Amy, I am SO SO SO GLAD you and the little guy are OK!

laura

I'm going to do my part to make sure you are the number one hit for "goopy cooch discharge". And I'm making jokes so you won't notice that I'm crying a little bit. So scary. So glad everything is OK.

Incredimom

Been there, done that. You're not crazy, it's amazing what the body can produce down there at the spur of the moment to send you into a tail spin of shock. I'm so glad everything is ok with the baby!!!!

Rahn

To YOU and all those expectant mothers out there,
I wish you all peace & happiness with your upcoming bundles of joy.

I'm glad you and the little one are ok.

Mary

Glad you and baby are ok. And there's nothing wrong with smelling your cooter juice.

MKN

Don't you LOVE the way that they go into superstealth mode when you are worried about them? Would it kill you to wiggle a toe in there buddy? That used to make me nuts!! Glad that all is well. This is just warm up for when he's really here to scare the living daylights out of you on a regular basis. (Hey, who has not put their hand on their sleeping child, just to make sure that tiny chest is in fact rising and falling?) Hang in there!

Dooneybug

Wow, very scary night. I'm glad the little guy is doing well!

Margarita Mama

Your promise to never mention vaginal discharge was made in vain if you ever plan on blogging after the birth of your little boy.
I dare you to post about your labor and the six weeks after, without referring to it!

Dawnie

Ack! Oy! That does not sound like a fun way to spend an evening. Gah.

However, I'm glad to hear that everything with the babalah is A-OK. Whew. But, man. Not even born and already he's giving you heart attacks.

Kathryn

Wow, glad to hear everything is okay! But remember this one for when Babalah is older--not only is he going to put you through umpteen hours of labor, but all the stress he's put you through before he's even born?? Use it to its full guilt advantage.

Jenn

If being pregnant is this scary, I don't want to think about when the little one is out and about, eh?

Thank goodness everything is ok, phew!

And, hey, I would have smelled it, too.

Mir

Ack! Also, ACK! Glad everything is okay, and--more importantly--you got a good story out of it. ;)

Time to start wearing pantyliners. The placenta does bizarre things, woman. I always figured as long as it keeps the baby alive, that compensates for the skin flaps and the discharge and all the other stuff. You may have it for the remainder of the pregnancy, so now that you know it's nothing bad, say hello to your new best pal, Stayfree.

Also? Next time Squishy rolls over and plays dead, have some juice. ;)

Shiz

I'm glad you all are all right! You had me scaaaared!

kat

So glad everything is okay. How is it you can take a scary scary matter and make it so funny?

bond girl

Thank God it's good news. Stay safe, Squishy.

kathy

Thank God everything is A-OK. You held up extremely well. Just think, you could have gone all 'I'm pregnant too and leaking something scary and if you stand up you'll have your baby faster' on the chair stealer. But you didn't. And we are all proud of you.

Anne A.

WHEW!!!

Lisa B

Don't feel bad. Two days before my due date I noticed a reddish hair in my underwear as well as some fluid. I didn't bring it up at the doctor's office because I didn't want him to give me a "you are the most paranoid moronic twit I've ever encountered" look like he'd given me several times before. My water had broken (Like a tiny pin prick of a hole.) and that strand was from the head of my little boy. And although I had no labor symptoms, by the time I got to my scheduled office visit, my bp was through the roof and I was induced for fear of toxemia. I shudder when I think about how I could have hurt my little man.

But now you have proof. Little boys ARE scarey.

So happy all is well with you and squishy boy. WHEW!

Jenn

Hey, someone said skin flap...what exactly would that be in reference too, lol.

Heather

Even with the preface, minor heart stoppage. I am so glad you and your mischeivous little Squishy are okay.

ktbug

YOu will most definitely have more discharge speak, not to mention discussion about the frequency and consistency of baby poops. It will amaze you how much it does not faze you in the least.
I am thrilled that everything is okay. I had a non-discharge ER visit around the same time. Mine was an incredible stabbing pain that turned out to be some damn LIGAMENT stretching. Stretch this, mother fucker! And by the way (just cause I like to say this out loud to anyone who'll listen - I gave birth without drugs.) And the damn ligament thing? More painful than labor. So I am with ya -- don't you dare judge. Even if ya been there.
As much as you are totally in love with Squishy right now -- just wait. It will blow you away the moment he joins you as his own separate little being.

blackbird

Whew!
Hah!
Now when your water breaks, if it breaks in a trickle, you won't believe it. Then again, it could break with a gush! Wet shoes!
Everyone gets sent home from the hospital once...
if only I had a chance to tell my hemorrage story. Boo hoo, that child is 14 now.
Glad all is well.

Jill

So did you ever get to eat dinner?

Very very happy all is well.

Y

That happened to me several times whilst pregnant with Gabby, so I had to start Sniffing my panties. Ah, The Joy.

Maria

Am sooooooo glad you and Squishy are OK! Can relate, because had similar scare when I was pregnant, and the little sproglet only started moving when I was hooked up!! Ha ha!

Zoe

Damn. I feel like I know too much about you now...

Still, I'm so. So. Glad. That Squishy is doing well. If the title of the post wasn't "Everything Is Okay", I would've had a heart attack by now!

Keisha

Glad you can find humor in such a scary situation, you will be a great mother.

MamaKaren

Even with the title assuring us all was OK, I got all choked up about your ordeal. I was in a car accident when I was 24 or so weeks along w/DS1, and went straight from my scheduled OB appt to observation at the hospital. Scared the crap out of me, but it also allowed me to get all the pre-admission, long forms done so that all I had to do when the right day came was come in and have a baby with no extra paperwork! Glad Squishy is safe and well.

Cow

Love your blog, Amy! So, so glad everything is fine, and wonderful, and happy.

karmajenn

That was certainly scary. Glad to hear everything is fine.

Joy

What the doctors forget to tell you is that the second trimester is that, well, the time of copious vaginal secretions. Yay! So when you are sleeping, as you're lying down all of that kind of pools behind your uterus. And when you wake up....that's when it all starts coming out. And it feels like a lot, it can totally feel like your water broke. You did the right thing in going to the ER! But I wanted to let you know to expect it to last for a while. (This assvice has a medical degree behind it.)

In other non-dischargey news ~ you mentioned in an entry last week that you don't do the round brushing of layers as you blowdry thing. Neither did I....until I bought this. http://www.walgreens.com/store/product.jhtml?id=prod1182019&CATID=100318&skuid=sku1182009&V=G&ec=frgl_670445 It's a brush that dries your hair as you roll it. It seems like it wouldn't dry your hair too well....but seriously it looks like your stylist did your hair everytime you use it. It gives you supermodel Vogue hair. It's worth the 20 bucks.

Anyway, so glad you and the baby are okay!!

Serenity

Thank God everything is ok.

warcrygirl

ACK! Glad to hear the baby is doing well and mocking you. EVERYTHING is a big deal when you're preggers, especially during your first one. And don't feel guilty about making sure it was an actual emergency before going to the hospital; don't be the mom-to-be that runs to the doctor with every single little burp or fart.

Oh, have Jason call the local PD when you do go into labor explaining that he's rushing to the hospital with his laboring wife. Then he can do Mach 10 and not get into trouble or be stopped. Hell, you might even get a police escort!

beth

you managed to make even this topic funny. you are officially a genius.

theresa

I went to the ER at 28 weeks because of the exact same thing. And I smelled it too. And I thought it was amniotic fluid but it wasn't. So I know what that was like. The doctor told me it was just normal vaginal secretions and they change over the course of pregnancy. But it was so watery that I had to wear, ahem, feminine protection. So glad everything is okay.

Her Ladyship

Wow. So glad that everything worked out. How scary that must've been though...

Busy Mom

So glad to hear all is well.

Tammy

I am so glad all is ok with you and your precious lil miracle. Hang in there!!

Zoot

You just taught your son a very valuable lesson. Mom is ALWAYS going to be all UP in his business whether he wants it or not. Wait until the first time he's home past curfew, THEN he'll REALLY learn how Mom panics.

And I'm betting this entry is going to do a lot more damage to his psyche than the one showing his ultrasound privates.

Franci

Uhhh...
I am glad you are both fine.
I read it through like a nightmare and finally the kung-fu part assured me of your (Mom and son) being in good condition.
Keep on being expectant!
Ps: don't care about what you said about V.D.
Agree with Margarita Mama, bwah-ha-ha

Franci, mother of two

DavidS

Longtime reader de-lurking to say that is the über-scariest post I've ever read. So tremendously glad you and Squishy and Jason are okay.

Jen311

That totally happened to me at 24 weeks. Terrifying. And my husband was out of town and I was by myself, and the most horrible feeling in the world is when they wheel you out of the OB's office on their way to take you downstairs to labor and delivery WAY too early, and then they leave you sitting there for a minute while they go back and get something and all the other pregnant women in the waiting room stare at you and start crying themselves because you are all crying and snotting and they know that something is wrong with your baby and the ENTIRE ROOM goes up in wailing before the befuddled nurse comes back and wheels you down to L&D and straps you to the super-strong monitor and you find out everything is FINE. Horrible.

But so glad you are all good.

dawn

But did Jason ever get dinner? ;) Seriously, glad this was just a scare and nothing else!

Catt

Get used to him mocking you. It will happen throughout his entire life. Kids are like cars. They make that "clunk clunk" noise up until the second you get them to the mechanic. And I think they laugh about it behind your back - the kid I mean.

Good luck!

callistawolf

Thank GOD everything is okay! You must have been terrified. Why is these kids like to freak us out so much? I swear, they're lucky they're not born grounded.

Take it easy!

Angela Paton

I'm glad to hear that you, your baby and your cooter juice are back to normal. Good luck!

Real Girl

EEKS! Thank goodness for the post title and the reassuring preface, because that was so hard to read! Also? You seem to be cooking the next Beckham in there.

But of course he'll marry someone *much* less skanky than Posh Spice.

karla

Dear Squishy, If you wanted a night at home with mom and dad instead of dinner out, a note would have been better.
Love Karla
Glad the Babalah is OK My baby did almost the same thing. Something about those monitors wakes them up and makes us look like hysterical freaks!

deb

PS - WARNING - Assvice ahead - I remember them telling me at the ER during a similar preg sitch that if I was getting worried that I hadn't felt the baby move in some time a (completely forbidden and of course never, ever, ever consumed under any other circumstances, uh huh) can of coke would surely wake the wee one up in a jiffy. What with all that sugar, caffiene and bubbles popping.

Sara

I went to the doctor at 22 weeks thinking I was leaking amniotic fluid. It was either that or sperm from our very rare sex-capade from the night before. I was standing in my bathroom naked and something trickled down my leg. Scared the crap out of me. I went to the doctor and the nurse said, "22 weeks? Well you can't go into labor now!" No shit Sherlock, thanks for reminding me. It was not amniotic fluid so I guess it was the other stuff. Ew. Sorry.

Glad everything was ok! We are so vulnerable as mom's and mom's to be, aren't we?

Shelly

Welcome to motherhood! My kids are always scaring the bejesus out of me. I'm glad that it was only a scare, and that everything is a-okay and you that you can keep those cute maternity clothes.

lrstan

So glad everything is ok!! Pregnancy can be so wonderful, but scary too!

beth

soooo glad you are all okay!

Homestead

Too bad you couldn't morph this into a Very Good Reason for another ultrasound.

I read (EW) and thought egg whites 'cause, well, ya know, that means something when you are trying to conceive but I was a little confused since you've already mastered the "conceive" part. Then I read (EW, EW) and thought extra watery egg whites?? What? I had to get all the way to EW, EW, EW before I realized sometimes an EW is just an EW.

Laugh all you want, thiis is what motherhood does to you.

Glad all is well.

mapletree7

My 8-months pregnant friend went to the hospital last night for a similar reason. Except hers was green. 'Nuf said.

ben

I wanna go to a party with Jason. But we'll have to drop by Home Depot on the way.

What a way to meet girls! And, determine their PH level before you really get intimate.

I'm glad y'all are ok. For the record we skipped the 'in utero' ER visits but we've made plenty now that the kids breathe air, and yes it is reassuring when somebody in a white coat tells you everything is fine and you're just paranoid. It's REALLY great when they don't follow that with "I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

RockStar Mommy

I too have been wondering why the media just isn't catching onto the fact that there isn't a single normal person left on planet earth that wants to know any more about Britney Spears. She's scary. And her reality show completely defies the laws of stupidity. And she's dirty. But anyway. Bigger fish to fry, etc.

Glad to hear everything is okay. I had a "oh my God these are NOT gas pains, these are definitely labor pains!" scare the other night and it almost sent me into cardiac arrest. Of course, they were just gas pains [bigger EW] and not labor pains but for that 15-20 minutes there I thought I was going to die. So, things are good for everyone. Good to know :) Keep up the good work.

Amy

I can't wait until I am pregnant and I have opportunities to discuss my vaginal secretions! Because otherwise? It's impossible to bring up in polite conversation. And sometimes even non-polite conversation.

There are going to be some VERY disappointed pervs Googling "Britney Spears" and "cooter juice", y'all.

Seriously though, glad everything is okay.

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