Amuse Bouche
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Amy Is Stupid Sometimes, Part 34835497123

Friday was a huge day in the exciting, glamorous life of Amalah.

For starters, I finally got my car's stupid safety inspection renewed. It only took me two months! And $200 in tickets! Which, I KNOW, Parking Enforcement Lady. I KNOW. I'm aware that my inspection expired and you can slap $50 tickets on my windshield EVERY DAY and it WILL NOT MATTER, because I KNOW, but I don't have time.

Also because I am chicken and will not drive to D.C.'s ONE LONE INSPECTION STATION by myself, because the neighborhood scares me. It's a very COPS kind of neighborhood, and our friends who had an apartment nearby finally moved because, you know, how much arson can you take before all the fire alarms and middle-of-the-night evacuations start really fucking with your sleep cycles?

So I made Jason drive me, and he kept trying to explain the route he was taking to get there and how not to get lost because you know, the next time I'll totally be going by myself, because Jason still doesn't fully understand that he married a total child who will NEVER DRIVE TO THAT SCARY PLACE BY HERSELF, EVER.

He's cute.

So we got the car inspected, and they gave us a new sticker and did not demand payment on our 700 outstanding parking tickets, which was awesome of them. One of these days I'll pay them. Or else one of these days I'll find my car booted and I'll cry and make Jason call the phone number and take care of it and then he'll probably divorce me.

Anyway. After the inspection we went to a prenatal checkup, and it was time for my glucose screening. Which I was expecting to suck in a completely different way than it actually sucked.

I figured the sugar-water-glucose-solution I'd have to drink would be nasty, but actually, I thought it tasted just like that McDonald's orange drink stuff your elementary school used to get for picnics and field day. Which come to think of it, most people WOULD consider that stuff to be nasty, but since pregnancy already makes me crave kid-centric foods (pudding! Spaghettios! Kraft Mac & Cheese! bananas with peanut butter!), I thought it was yummy.

I also figured I'd be pretty bored (you have to wait an hour after drinking the sugary stuff before your blood is drawn), so I came all prepared and brought a book. Except that I passed out cold about 10 minutes later.

Amy's Blood Sugar: Mmmm, glucose! Yum yum yum. AND YUM! AND WHEE! AND I'M HYPER AND EXCITED. LET'S DISCO DANCE! BUZZZZZZZZZ! WHEE! And...wait...oh. My. God. I'm crashing...crashingrightnowsohardandtiredandIwilljustclosemyeyesand zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jason woke me up when it was time for the blood test and I kind of stumbled to the exam room. The nurse was freaking out about my purse and I just nodded and mumbled something about my head hurting. (By the way, I felt like shit on toast ALL DAY after the glucose screen. Had a pounding headache and I couldn't stay awake and I also whined a lot.)

I was so sleepy that when I was asked if I wanted an ultrasound I just shrugged and said, "Whatever."

(Yes, I know. I almost turned down an ultrasound. Clearly, that glucose solution is a more mind-altering hippie trip than LSD.)

Luckily, a small part of my brain (also known as "Jason") snapped to attention and said that yes, we would like an ultrasound.

And hey, anybody remember all the bullshit I went through with my doctor regarding the 20-week ultrasound? Where he wanted to wait until 26 weeks because of "picture quality?" And I was all, "WTF?" And then I was all, "He's evil and calculating and I'm going to destroy him?" And then I went for the ultrasound someplace else and got the most amazing, high-quality pictures and was all, "WTF, again?"

So I think I solved the mystery. My doctor's ultrasound machine is an ancient piece of shit.

(And also, I finally figured out that my doctor looks and talks and everythings JUST LIKE Corky St. Clair from Waiting for Guffman, complete with the references to a wife who probably doesn't really exist, because DUDE, YOU'RE GAY.)

I've had one sonogram in his office, but it was at 11 weeks and was via the cooch cam. Friday's peek at the Squishy was via the tummy cam, and the picture quality really and truly did suck.

I'm not even going to scan the photo, because it looks like an ultrasound done entirely in Microsoft Paint. There's a head and maybe an eye socket and some kind of hand-like blob and the only really obvious thing is my very full bladder which is getting smushed by Squishy's blurry head.

However, we did learn some important things:

1) Squishy is indeed a boy. Very much so a boy, no question there, thank you Mr. Very Prominent Scrotum.

2) Squishy is huge.

3) No, really. He's gigantic. He's measuring (in length) over a week ahead of schedule, and his estimated weight is about two weeks ahead of schedule.

4) His feet are 5.5 centimeters long and are oh, so cute.

5) Squishy is in the wrong position and needs very much to roll the heck over.

Squishy is in the "occiput posterior position." Which means he's facing up, towards my stomach, instead of down, towards my back. And that means labor can be longer and extra-super-painful. Also: Forceps. Gack. But hey, he still has plenty of time to move into a better position, so try not to think about it!

Excuse me?


Telling a pregnant woman to "try not to think about <insert something>" is a surefire way to ensure that her every waking thought will be consumed by <insert something>. WE CAN'T HELP IT.

I asked if there was any way to know if he rolls over between now and my due date, and Dr. Corky said, "Well, if labor starts and you feel your contractions in your front, and they feel relatively okay, we'll know he flipped over. If your contractions are in your lower back and hurt like a motherfucker, then we know he didn't."

(He probably didn't really say motherfucker.)


So here I am today, Monday, still not thinking about it, except for every time the baby moves or twitches or kicks. (Is he rolling over? Did he just roll over? Is that his head? Or his butt? Dammit.)

Am also waiting to find out if I passed the glucose screen, something I really WAS able to totally not think about -- until I was told how big the baby is. And now I'm convinced it's because I have gestational diabetes and won't be able to eat pudding or donuts for three more months and will still end up giving birth to a 10 pound baby who will come out sideways, or something.

I'm going to eat lunch at Krispy Kreme. That should take my mind off <insert something>.



Eh, don't worry about the face-up thing. I had two girls that way and my baby is face up now, due in 3 weeks. It can make labor longer, but it wasn't more painful. Hello epidural! Ideally of course, Squishy will flip over, but don't stress about it!

suzanna danna

I had that stuff and almost passed out on my way home after they failed to mention that OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO HYPOGLYCEMIC IT IS DANGEROUS!


So yeah... suck.

Glad, you are ok, and I hope he turns over too.


OMG. You have THREE MONTHS. Why are they telling you scary things? That baby has time to roll over, get his head in the right postion, write a hit song for Kelly CLarkson and fund an internet startup business for sobbing out loud.

You? are going to be so fine.

Also - As a fellow DC'er - here's the thing. You can totally wait for them to boot you. I've done it. BUT - the boot fee is like, $300 bucks AND you have to pay your tix to get the boot off too. Just so you know. I'm not under any circumstances trying to give you advice.


So remember this test. So also remember the dreaded "triple-test" after which I got the dreaded "amniocentisis" because could not ignore the fact that my baby might be retarded when the odds came back ONE IN 275. She is normal, but my husband still wants to kill me for putting us through the "I have to know in case I need to join a support group" stage. So remember the shock, pain, awkwardness, sobriety, fat toes, etc. of pregnancy. So feel sorry for you. Go ahead and wallow in worst-case scenarios - it actually works better than trying not to think about it.


I thought your entry scared me. But then I decided your comments scared me more. Why can't people just tell happy stories? About genius babies and five minute labor?


Damn. Even your blood sugar is funny, and can expect an invite to my next part.

Also, I'm sure Squishy will be good to you. Whatever happens, just think of how many times in the future you can guilt him into spending time with his mother rather than going out with his friends because, Hey kid, guess who GAVE BIRTH to you?! I'm loving it already.


Flip, Squishy, flip!

Also, your traffic cops are much nicer than the Denver traffic cops. Those assholes boot you after just a a handful of unpaid tix, and the regular $15/$20 tix at that. Bastards.


Squishy will flip over. Mine didn't flip until the last month. And my second baby was a 10 lb. baby. She actually came out faster than my fist baby did but it didn't hurt. I had epidurals both times. Don't let any of those 'natural childbirth' nazis try to convince you that your experience will be better without it. They are liars.


If you pass the 1 hour glucose test, do a happy dance. I cannot stress this enough because? Because I didn't and had to then take the 3 hour test. It goes somethign like this: Go to lab, have blood drawn, drink orange stuff, wait 1 hour, blood drawn again. Another hour and another blood sample. Wait 1 more hour, have final blood sample drawn and then you can go home. Also? The fasting. Try telling a hungry pregnant woman hyped up on that orange stuff that she can't eat before the three hour test. egads.

Unless you don't pass the 1 hour test. Then? The 3 hour test, well it's not so bad.


I had Gestational Diabetes with my first child. Are you tired all the time? Did you not get that burst of energy in your 4th month? Does eating sugar or drinking soda (the caffiene will pick me up!) make you feel worse? If not then I doubt you're diabetic. Also, your teeth when your diabetic? Ick.

Hang in there, lots of positive things can happen in three months.


What?? Only one station in all of DC?? Doesn't that make you miss Pennyslvania, which you probably never thought of as a rational state, but which will let you get your damn inspection done at any non-scary garage??

And regarding Squishy.. I'm sure he'll roll over in time--you've got a couple months, and isn't that what they do anyway? (I don't know, I've never had a kid, but I thought they generally get into position shortly before you go into labor? Thank you, 8th grade health class for apparently giving me that misconception..)

Lisa V

Hey I wonder why they don't use Krispy Kreme for glucose tests, with like a Slurpy chaser.

My niece was in the same position. The hippie midwife told my sister to lay upside down on an ironing board while her husband talked to the baby via coochphone and tell it to turn around. They didn't do that. Baby turned anyway. All turned out well, except that she is now 13 and likes Usher. Maybe you should yell at Squishy to prevent bad taste in music later.


The MS Paint ultrasound was freaking hilarious.

Also, I have a tendency to faint when I haven't eaten in a while. My oral surgeon (hee) was nice about this when making an appointment, so I'm confused as to why an OB would be so dismissive. Perhaps he's just thinking more about the baby than you? It's sad.


nice paint photo, i especially found squishy's, um, member representation hilarious. is that drawn to scale? lol


Baby will turn heads down. Talk him into it. He is able to understand if you believe it, too.

My first kid was heads up for a while, than flipped and came heads down. However, he was actually facing the doctor, which is a different story (his face was not to my side, but downward, quite an awkward position, indeed - that was the reason for the c-section.)

But you have another 3 months! Anything might happen. Just enjoy. Now you are the center of the attention. Within 3 months, it will be the baby :)

Real Girl

Hmm. Will think very flippy thoughts between now and Due Date. Such as: Flip, Squishy. Flip like the wind.

As for big babies--I am SCARED of Real Boy's nephew: he's a year and a half and almost THREE FEET TALL. Boys are birthin' big these days.


sorry, no "heads", head.


I have sooo been to that inspection place. I had to drive my first car there as an innocent little 19 year old without a husband or a daddy or even a friend willing to come along for the ride. Not only is it in a godawful neighborhood, but I got totally lost and ended up in an even MORE godawful neighborhood. Traumatizing, let me tell you.

As for the rest, I have complete faith that you'll pass your glucose test with flying colors and that Squishy will flip over just in time.


LOL, I totally agree with zoot, the comments are more scary! Come on people, less with the scary, more with the supporty.


Cool. I have MY glucose test on Wednesday. CAN'T WAIT. Woo hoo!

Anyway, glad that your hubby was able to be there with you. That sounds pretty scary to have to go through alone. Yikes!


So what exactly is a safety inspection? Do you have to drive through an obstacle course to prove your car won't fall apart or something? All we have to do here is renew our tags.


Here you go Zoot and Anna - My squishy didn't turn, I went completely natural, no drugs, I was in hard labor for about an hour, the doctor didn't even get there in time to deliver. The nurses were great and my baby was 9 lbs, 10 oz. It was easy, couple pushes and it was done. I have to admit the lower back contractions were a bitch for that hour.


Oh! Oh! Per Zoot's request, I will now tell you a story of quick labor and genius babies! I only pushed for half an hour, and my son's IQ is 147! Okay, it wasn't really a story, but it covered the bases.


First of all...mmmm, Krispy Kreme.
Second, I too didn't mind the taste of the glucose solution.
Third, I want Krispy Kreme.
Fourth, I hope he flips! Good luck!

Laura E

For Zoot: My second labor was terrific and easy. Insert epidural, start pitocin, after a few hours of holding court for all the family that congregated at the hospital and 18 minutes of pushing, a beautiful girl popped out.

Knew a crazy woman (simply my opinion, not medically proven) who so wanted to deliver at home but baby was breech (is that how that's spelled??) she went to a doc who pushed that baby right side down so she could go home and deliver. (See paragraph above re: epidural to figure my attitude about home delivery. More power to the women who do it. But it ain't for me!)


I really don't want to scare you but Malia was face down and in perfect position the whole two months before the early delivery. But she decided to do the sunny-side up thing and my birth canal would not let her and her big 13cm head out. Plus we were in trauma. So we had to do the emergency c-section route. I pray to God that nothing like that happens to you and that squishy is squishy enough that he just flies out of you. Your birth canal is big right? I think the main reason is that I came from a whole family of small birth canals. My mom, her two sisters and I all had c-sections. Dammit. :)


Homer: It's a boy! And what a boy!
Doctor: Homer, that's the umbilical cord.

Squishy, flip!Flip, Squishy, flip! And while you're at it, have a chat with my little parasite and make him/her flip too.


Amalah, the Squishy will turn! Squishy just likes to swim around right now! The squishy will turn.

I knew a woman whose 1st baby came in about an hour with NO pain. Seriously.

Oh, and I DID the 3 hour glucose test as a kid. Talk about long and boring. Sheesh.


How retarded of your doctor. He should have just kept his mouth shut and said that he'll tell you when the baby has turned when you present that way at the next visit (or whichever visit it happens to be) because they CAN tell. And she let me know after I experienced the following:

Anyway...when my baby turned, I felt nauseous for a few hours just like morning sickness nausea. Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

From what I've read, first babies almost always turn but it's hit or miss on the second one and on.

So seriously, don't spend too much time thinking about it :)


i am hurting just thinking about this.


He'll most likely move positions -- and if he does, you'll know it. Love Bug rolled completely over a week before I went into labor, and I could actually see him do it through my stomach. It was the weirdest, but coolest thing ever.


Squishy will flip over.
He just knows he has some time and wants to be upright so he can enjoy himself more. (Who the heck wants to be upside down that long anyway - hello, blood rushing to the head, not a good feeling.) So see, when it gets closer he'll know (just like having an internal clock) and he'll flip in the correct position.

And then every year on his birthday, you can embarrass him by telling all his friends that he freaked you out because you thought you were going to have him wrong side up.
That can also work in a disagreement - "Come back here this instant young man! I nearly had you wrong side up!"

Everything will work out just fine. I say, put all your nervous energy into something constructive. Like making up the nursery, or taking more 'cute pg lady walking her cute dog' pictures. :)


Here's another thing to think about - even if he doesn't flip, it probably won't be that bad. I had back labor with Billy, and while it was uncomfortable, it didn't kill me or anything. You'll be fine! Plus, you'll have DRUGS!


I'm a realitively new reader and am finding your writing hilarious! I completely understand where you are coming from with all that shit. I ended up going back for a 3 hour glucose testing all because my results "weren't clear" last week. It was complete torture and I was so bitter that I had to fast. FAST I tell you... AHH. I skipped my bowls, yes that's plural, of ice cream the day before *just in case*. My hub was a trooper and avoided all sweets right along with me to ease that pain. It must be love I tell you.

I hope your 1 hour works out!


Squishy's got plenty of time. He's just telling you early on that he's doing things *his* way, not your doctor's!

And Amalah? Thank you so much for honestly chronicling the good AND the horrid parts of pregnancy! For those of us not planning on following you down this path, it's nice to read the non-Hallmark version.


Oh, and since I did such a shitty job of actually defining the "occiput posterior position" (and didn't even have the right name originally), here's a link to a slideshow of fetal position horrors.

The posterior position is NOT breech -- his head is down like it's supposed to be -- but he's set to come out facing upwards, when we want downwards, because that big old head of his will fit better that way. So just keep thinking rolly kinds of thoughts.


Hmm. I'm not sure this would work for you or how to go about setting it up, my son was in the breech position and I was getting a bit panicky about it having 2 months left to go and no flip around yet. My Dr. said I should try playing music through headphones with the headphones down by my pelvic area in the theory that he would flip over to hear the music better, and IT WORKED! I was so huge by that point that we sat there on the couch watching my gigantic belly do completely unnatural contortions and wondered if it was really an alien about to bust out and scream 'QUIT PLAYING THAT FUCKING WHALE MUSIC, YOU HIPPIE'.. Since Squishy is already head-down, I'm not sure what would work to get him to crane his little head around the other way, but hey, it's a suggestion.. Or just more assvice!


De-lurking here.

Okay, so, um…I guess I’m a natural childbirth nazi, but I have a suggestion regarding getting Squishy to turn over. It’s called Optimum Fetal Positioning. It involves positioning yourself to better facilitate Squishy turning over.

This is a link that gives great advice (no assvice involved.)

While you have several months to go, I would suggest at least trying it now and getting into the habit (if this is something you want to try, of course).

Glad things are going well for you.

Humor Girl

Aww...I want a Jason. :(

Where the heck did you get him!?


Well, if it helps (which I know it TOTALLY does NOT)...laughing at your excellent post has made me able to not think about this day, which has been extra-shitty so far. Thanks!

Dr. Johnny Fever

God, I hope I never get pregnant.


Squishy will turn. When he's good and ready. Besides, don't they alwasy say men are trying to please their mothers? He will do it because he loves you and doesn't want you to be screaming in pain and getting all weirded out after the delivery like Brooke Shields.

I took a three-hour glucose test and I wasn't even pregnant. It sucks. Big time.


Just found out today that I am having my second girl. Yay for me. Anyways, you passed out drinking that orange stuff? I didn't know that could happen. I am totally the type to pass out. I passed out when I got my ears pierced and wart cut off. Gross I know, sorry. Is that common to pass out? My friend was told, when her baby was face up, to get doggy style and swivel her hips to coerce the baby to turn. You could try that. Take pics. LOL, just kidding. Good luck.


roll, roll, roll your kid...

am thinking the rolliest of rolling thoughts for you. because reading about the pain, if he doesn't roll, will be too much for me. Am a wuss.


Oh yeah he'll totally roll over by then. (I heard about the music thing working too and I just shoved some music up my crotch the other night hoping it would actually get my baby OUT, alas still pregnant). And yeah, people have a gift for telling pregnant women all the things they DON'T want to hear and for that, I'm sorry!


None of us three kids ever turned over. I remember that my little brother was upright and face forward the entire time. My mother would say "quick, feel his face", and then I would press in to quickly feel his nose before he turned away. We all turned out fine, and she had three of us all told, so don't worry. Pregnancy and birth will have its freakish aspects no matter what happens.

Wacky Mommy

Dear girl,

If your baby is huge, if your baby is posterior, if you need a g.d. c-section for these reasons (I did, with both of my huge babies)... if your baby has a huge sugar crash following birth because he's been floating in sugar water for nine months and then is suddenly deprived of said sugar water -- he'll need to be in the nursery (ie -- away from you) following the birth.

You will be bummed out, believe me. You will be like a mama elephant bellowing for her baby. Or Sal's mom in "Blueberries for Sal." "Where is my child?"

I know the sugar is tasty, but try to watch it. It makes babies huge and it makes them crash, just like it does us.

Also, the evil nurses refused to give my first baby a bottle in the nursery -- "Don't want nipple confusion!" and amped her up on what? Sugar water! Yargh.

The second baby (sugar crash for him, too) I said "GIVE HIM A BOTTLE RIGHT NOW! HE'LL BE FINE!" (My milk hadn't come in yet, and yes, he nursed just fine once it did.) They did, and he didn't have to go to the nursery or have heinous testing for three days, like my girl did.

And no, I never had gestational diabetes, so I kept thinking, "I'm fine! Gimme another cake!"

You can tell me fuck off now.



In between my glucose test and the results, I ate all the candy and sugary crap I could...just in case the results said I would have to abstain for the remainder of my pregnancy.

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