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May 2005
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July 2005

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

DISCLAIMER: It has been recently discovered that your advice-giver's kitchen is completely infested with a common household pest known as the "confused flour beetle." So please think twice before taking advice from this individual, because 1) ew, there are tiny little bugs in all her dry goods, and 2) even those tiny little bugs are confused and stupid. Dear Amalah, Queen of Everything, I have an embarrassing problem, which I am sure you do not have because you are so polished and lovely. I have not been able to find an anti-perspirant that works for me. The deodorant part works... Read more →

Amy Is Stupid Sometimes, Part 34835497123

Friday was a huge day in the exciting, glamorous life of Amalah. For starters, I finally got my car's stupid safety inspection renewed. It only took me two months! And $200 in tickets! Which, I KNOW, Parking Enforcement Lady. I KNOW. I'm aware that my inspection expired and you can slap $50 tickets on my windshield EVERY DAY and it WILL NOT MATTER, because I KNOW, but I don't have time. Also because I am chicken and will not drive to D.C.'s ONE LONE INSPECTION STATION by myself, because the neighborhood scares me. It's a very COPS kind of neighborhood,... Read more →

Amuse Bouche

Last night, I surprised Jason by taking him out for a decadent, three-hour dining extravaganza for his birthday. A foodie's dream meal. All I can say this morning is: DAMN YOU MICHEL RICHARD! Damn you and your inventive and whimsical take on contemporary French cuisine! Damn you and your amazing nine-course tasting menu with the foie gras and the lobster and the three goddamn dessert courses! Damn you for the free birthday sorbet you sent out for Jason, because clearly, we had NOT HAD ENOUGH FOOD. Damn you and all that to hell! So yeah. Dinner was awesome, but my... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

(Also an interlude to say HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY JASON! Whee! Whoo! I hope you love the new fancy camera that you bought for yourself, because really, I am very thoughtful like that.) BUT FIRST, A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE SMACKDOWN Y'all, the Advice Smackdown was never intended to become an actual advice column. Really. One Wednesday, back in April 2004, I was bored and without inspiration so I bugged some friends to send me funny and fake questions so I could answer them with The Worst Possible Advice in a somewhat humorous fashion. This continued until we all got really... Read more →

Random Asshole Sighting: The Guy Next to Me at the Sushi Bar

(Yes, I went to a sushi restaurant this weekend. But no, I did not eat raw fish, so calm down.) (I've officially reached the stage of pregnancy where my diet has suddenly become The Entire World's Bizness, so even the parking valet was all, "Sushi for baby? Really?" No, dipshit, sushi for husband, veggie tempura for me, and delicious, wholesome placenta for baby.) (Placenta laced with sake. Rice wine is good for babies, right? Because of...rice?)* *Hello! This is a joke. Please don't email me. So we went to a sushi restaurant and sat at the bar, atop the most... Read more →

This Is Your Brain On Work

Blrrptt! Geffrribbddlle! And also, plrrawwr! So the work thing, not getting any easier, that. But does your job make you wear a lampshade collar? No? Then shut the hell up, Mom. Love, Glowy McEyeball. Ceiba's eyes are much better. A checkup on Tuesday revealed that the puncture wound in her right eye has all but healed and the infection is gone from both eyes. Yay for the ointment in a tube! The lampshade collar is a thing of the past, but the pictures, they are FOREVER. And? I have nothing else to say. Here. Belly at 25 weeks. Going to... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Yesterday's all-day meeting went well, or at least was going well until I had to open my gigantic trap and propose some big huge idea that is so absolutely brilliant that Very Important Work People who previously thought my name was probably Annie or Jaime or Blond Girl are now personally congratulating me on my brilliance. Which is all well and good, except that I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning wracked with terror and stress and oh-my-God-what-have-I-done because now I have three months to make all this brilliance happen and I HAVE NO TIME FOR EXTRA BRILLIANT PROJECTS.... Read more →

More Pet Photos Than Are Really Necessary

Big important meetings all day today, folks. Place your bets on the following: 1) How many times I'll need to leave and pee. 2) How many times I'll get distracted by Squishy's acrobatics and completely lose track of the conversation, then totally make some bullshit up to cover this fact. 3) How many sandwiches I'll eat at lunch, and in what manner I will kill anyone who dares comment on how many sandwiches I eat at lunch. In the meantime, please enjoy some random pictures, taken by our brand! new! camera! A Canon Digital Rebel XT, which is Jason's father's... Read more →

Everything Is Ocular

Last weekend was the weekend we thought we might lose the baby. This weekend was the weekend we thought we might lose Ceiba's eyeballs. Seriously, y'all, can we get a break over here? When I came home on Friday I had Big Plans of Doing Nothing. We were going to order Indian food. We were going to sit on the couch. We were going to watch Band of Brothers for the hundredth time and I was possibly going to treat myself to a small glass of red wine, because SERIOUSLY. But then I opened my front door and got beaned... Read more →