This Is Your Brain On Work
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Random Asshole Sighting: The Guy Next to Me at the Sushi Bar

(Yes, I went to a sushi restaurant this weekend. But no, I did not eat raw fish, so calm down.)

(I've officially reached the stage of pregnancy where my diet has suddenly become The Entire World's Bizness, so even the parking valet was all, "Sushi for baby? Really?" No, dipshit, sushi for husband, veggie tempura for me, and delicious, wholesome placenta for baby.)

(Placenta laced with sake. Rice wine is good for babies, right? Because of...rice?)*

*Hello! This is a joke. Please don't email me.

So we went to a sushi restaurant and sat at the bar, atop the most uncomfortable stools I have ever put my ass on, pregnant or not. I spent the first 20 minutes of our meal bitching about said stools and struggling to find a comfortable position and then promptly taking the martyrrific "No, it's okay" stance when Jason asked if I wanted to get an actual table instead.

I spent the next 20 minutes eavesdropping on the couple seated next to us. Because lo, he was an asshole, and she was slowly discovering that maybe he was kind of an asshole, and it was FASCINATING.

He was the kind of asshole who, when asked if he was an adventurous sushi eater, responded in a booming voice, "I DARE them to TRY and serve me something I won't eat. GOD HIMSELF has not invented something I won't eat."

And then he proceeded to order what appeared to be assorted wuss-variety sushi.

He was the kind of asshole who decided to impress his date with tale after tale of ex-girlfriends tracking him down on the Internet in hopes of reconnecting with him. Because, you know, dating him forever leaves you with a big asshole-shaped emptiness in your heart.

He was particularly fond of the story where an ex emailed him using her married name so he didn't know who she was. She emailed again and provided her maiden name, and he still didn't remember her. He finally figured it out, but it took her telling him what his favorite drink was at the time they dated. (Whisky and pineapple juice.)

He was the kind of asshole who started slurring his words halfway through his second beer.

He was the kind of asshole who loudly complained about the dating scene. "Women just have so much fucking BAGGAGE, man, you know? I don't wanna hear about your fucking ex-husband. I just don't wanna hear about it. It's in the PAST, right? Move on already!"

And then he proceeded to bitch about his ex-wife. A lot.

His date unsuccessfully tried to change the subject and asked about his two daughters.

"So Chelsea's mother is...?"

"Shithead. Chelsea is Shithead's daughter."

"And Lauren...?"

"Lauren's from back in high school."

It was sometime around the "Shithead" comment that I grabbed Jason's knee so hard he let out a yelp. Then I muttered something about "the living embodiment of the main characters from Sideways" and made exaggerated eyeball-rolls over in the Asshole's direction. Jason looked over just in time to see the couple inexplicably sucking face. He recoiled in horror.

"Are you trying to get back at me for ordering beef tongue at lunch today or something? I told you, I didn't realize it would look so much like an actual tongue when I ordered it."

"It had BUMPS on it, Jase. TONGUE BUMPS."

Asshole was now in the middle of a full-on tirade about Shithead. Specifically, how much weight she gained during their marriage.

He was the kind of asshole who would talk about a woman's weight while his own gut bulged six inches over the waistline of his too-tight jeans.

"When we got married, she was 105 pounds! Now? 250, EASY. I swear."

His date quietly mentioned that she hadn't weighed 105 pounds since junior high.

The Asshole plowed on. "Well yeah, she was really dinky. But then she had a baby and BOOM, she ballooned right up and didn't even TRY to lose the weight afterwards. Didn't even TRY."

I was starting to have fantasies involving one of the sushi chefs flying over the counter at him, knife in hand, and then things just got violent, so I decided to at least TRY to NOT LISTEN ANYMORE and focus on my non-asshole husband for the rest of the meal.

"Baby, I love you. Don't ever, ever leave me."

(Somehow, and I don't know how he did it because I DO NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF WILLPOWER, Jason refrained from saying that he would never leave me as long as I lose all the baby weight. I know I would have said it, and it wouldn't even have made sense.)

"So I says to my daughter, I says the ONLY WAY your mother is eating dinner at the wedding is if I receive a PERSONAL CHECK for the price of her meal and the check clears BEFORE the wedding because I am NOT PAYING for that woman to eat."

Clearly, I wasn't able to tune him out. He was the kind of asshole who said stuff like that to his own daughter about her own mother before her own wedding.

And then bragged about it later, on a date, over some sashimi.

His date was very nice-looking, and had very impressive arms, like she could knock his fat ass off his twee little stool with a single backhanded slap. But she didn't. I hope she at least wanted to, and DEAR GOD, I hope all the sake she was downing lessened her pain but not her awareness that HER DATE WAS AN ASSHOLE.

Then we left, and as we were waiting for the Very Nosy Valet to bring our car I filled Jason in on all the tidbits of conversation I'd overhead all night.

And then we made out a little, because what else can you do when you realize that you've found someone who really, truly loves you and who will never, ever refer to you as "Shithead" someday?

There is nothing to do but kiss that person madly, right there in public, like a total sentimental asshole.

Comments

Jenn

What a dick! Pricks like that make me wish there was some hyper-strain of herpes that would affect only people of his calibur. Side effects include painful blisters on the penis followed by it turned black and blue and eventually just falling off. I haven't quite mastered the contraction method at this point in time.

Now that, makes me smile ;).

Fuckers like that can sure make one realize what they have, eh?!?!

Kathryn

Ha! I love to hate that kind of person for precisely the reason you concluded with--it makes me appreciate my wonderful husband, who has never once called me Shithead, all the more.. I'll have to thank him tonight for refraining from doing so.

Nathan Peters

I love the "this is a joke don't email me".

It's like some people don't have a sense of humor online or something.

andi

yay for pda!!!

kentucky_kitty

:) Only you could make that excruciating evening hilarous!

Amalah

Nathan, if you saw my hate mail queue, you'd know for a fact that there are many, MANY people online with no sense of humor.

Coincidentally, I think many of them are also assholes.

kathy

boo to assholes, but yay for Amalah for the amusing eavesdrop. and yay for making out with one of the good ones.

Laura

*un-lurking or de-lurking*

Been reading for about 2 weeks...but this is BY far my favorite! It would have taken every ounce of my being not to say something to him or to stop my husband from doing so.

So glad I don't have an asshole but I can say I think I went on a date with someone much like him once and no amount of liquor, beer or sake can make him go away OR make him not so annoying.

Thanks for the laugh!

Rai

That guy sounds far too much like my ex-husband. Thank you for reminding me what I am no longer married. =]

Mir

Give Jason a kiss from me, too, just because the few non-asshole guys need all the reinforcement we can throw their way to keep them from succumbing to the dark side.

That's my personal favorite, when fat guys complain about fat women. Bwahahahaha. For some reason those assholes like to share that with ME, cuz I'm skinny and I guess they figure I won't realize they're assholes. DUDE, I'm thin, not retarded.

Zoe

Bah! The only good thing about these assholes is that they are endless sources of humour to be posted on blogs and are ridiculed by the entire internet. I loaved this, reminds me of the posts of Olde (not that I was a reader before, like, December, but I totally read your whole archives*).

*Joke... except that it totally wasn't.

Pratt

Thanks Amalah- this made my day.

suzanna danna

amy -

still love you... mean it.

-s

ps, this was awesome. (YAY Jason!... BOOoo White trashy fat-ass retard asshole boy! Booo.)

Dooneybug

Awww...assholes bringing people together all around the world. :) The guy sounded like a complete loser, hopefully the chick with him actually listens to the chimp in her head dancing around with the red flags.

bond girl

Yay for total sentimental assholes! And really, yay for the other kind too. Because what else would entertain me on a dull, gray Monday afternoon were it not for stories about them too?

halloweenlover

What a grade-a asshole. I am amazed that you didn't actually tap the woman on the shoulder and ask if she wanted to leave with you two.

And yay for Jason! I do the same thing to my Josh, eavesdrop on other people and then tell him the outrageous things that they said. I love that you made out with Jason a little too, right in the lobby. Love it!

Floyd

Oh god, I KNEW I shouldn't have emailed my ex-boyfriend....that'll just tell you what a little whiskey and pineapple juice will do to you. (and seriously, who the hell drinks that??)

Real Girl

Hate him! Feel bad for his daughter!! God, he reminds me of this guy sitting behind me and Real Boy at the Mets game last weekend--the guy who kept bellowing out loudly "Veronica! I want a divorce!" Because a) he thought the cameras would somehow pick that up and b) Veronica would be watching? Is that it, asshole?

Thanks for the second-hate hatefest!

kat

wait, they were sucking face despite all his asshole comments? love is blind.

karmajenn

He may have been a complete asshole, but what was her excuse for staying? Yeeeck. But now I want maki rolls.

Also? "...a big asshole-shaped emptiness in your heart." That's pure poetry.

KT

Is the dating world so desperate that men like that can get dates? And get kissed on them? GAH.

And although fat doesn't make a person bad, she must have been a Shithead for a while -- because she stayed with Asshole! Glad the ex got smart. Hope the GF will, too.

Happy Monday, Amalah.

L

That was just brilliant. And you're right -- it made me want to kiss my husband.

The nosy people? Are the main reason I'm TERRIFIED of our lets-start-trying-to-get-pregnant- in-a-couple-months plan. Because I already get comments all the time about how I look 15 (or 13, or 12 depending on the person). I'm not looking forward to having people make comments about teen mothers. TWENTY-FIVE, people!

Sorry. You struck a nerve...

Bethiclaus

Journaling seems like a much less confrontational way to deal with assholes like this guy.

Usually, I start making loud and obvious comments about how much of an asshole he is.

allison

Cheers to being a total sentimental asshole. Someday I hope to be one, too.

drea

I'm so amazed that he wasn't married. Because god knows he deserves someone supermodel thin who will wait on him hand and foot.

Yay for pregnancy making out!

what a life

Dear God,

Please help women like this (the date, not Amalah) who make out with guys (the dickhead, not Jason) who are total asses.

Thanks.

Heather

"and then we made out a little". Oh, I love your attitude Amy, and you guys are adorable. This is definitely the best entry in a while...I really enjoyed it. Thanks :)
(It wouldn't let me type my addy as muirnait[at]gmail.com)

Anne A.

Awwwwwwww!!!

deb

I've been with my hubby for 18 years (yikes!) - we started dating at 19 - and I'm so not sad that I pretty much completely missed the whole entire dating thing. What a nightmare of a man that guy was.

Why oh why, then is my insanely wonderful, handsome, kind, talented, fun, single friend who wants to be married and have kids still single? Driving both of us batty...

ah! the mysteries of life.

Great post, Amy!

Amalah

You're right, Heather. My comments require an actual @ symbol. I posted the additional comment guidelines in a bit of a snit today (god. damn. anonymous. trolls.) and didn't think it through. Have fixed it now.

Lisa V

Oh my god, hilarious! I didn't know my former brother-in-law was dating again.

I sat with a table full of women a couple of months ago, where we overheard a similar conversation. We really wanted to write the girl a note that said "RUN," but we somehow contained ourselves.

mutts

How did you not knock his block off?

PaintingChef

Never underestimate the therapeutic qualities of a good makeout session.

Assholes like that just KILL me. But look at you keeping the hormones in check and not knocking his trashy ass right off that stool. I don't know that I would have been able to do it...

El Fid

I have a similar problem of overhearing everything in restaurants. It drives my husband batty when I inform him what every single table is talking about. My husband is a darling though, and has never stopped making out with me in public even when we were pregnant. Crazy, he thinks I'm gorgeous even though I still have 15 baby pounds extra to love.

I usually end up talking just as loudly about disgusting gut-splaying assholes. It's amazing to see how they can't take what they dish out. "It just make me want to puke, his belly folded all the way over his belt so that you couldn't even see his buckle. I mean how can a guy think of himself as a man if he can't even find his genitals in all that pizza dough?!"

*p.s. I'm not really mean to normal people. :)

junkie

FABULOUS post.....really. I love them all, but this has got to be my favorite in a while. Love reading how you see again how lucky you guys both are...good for the soul.

Rockstar Mommy

I hate how everyone is all ignorantly up in my food business. It's strange how I can now say "back da fuck up out my grill" and be completely literal.

But whatever. Everyone thinks they know what's best for you and your baby. This is WILL NEVER change. Just wait til the baby is born and everyone tells you how differently they did it from how you're doing it. As if post partum isn't enough to make us want to jump off a bridge.

Hey, when is your due date. Our kids are all close together, like twins. With different parents. In different states.

beth

Happy first day of your third trimester!

I am so proud that you didn't just haul off and smack that guy. I know I would have. You have admirable self-control.

Princess

I am totally cracking up becuase this weekend we were at a party where a woman was throwing a hissy fit becuase they ran out of pineapple juice for her rum. Maybe the two of them should hook up?

dawn

What I would not GIVE to read that girl's blog if she has one! Although I think you summed it up divinely. Ewww. Made the poor excuse of a date I had on Saturday seem like a near-human in comparison. :)

andrea

wow.. i didn't know my father was back in DC. Sadly he was never without a girlfriend or six at any given time. These women just tolerated the same behavior. I never understood it, but apparently because he had a good job, house, good looking he was a "good catch". course when my father would piss me off.. i'd rat him out to their daughters.. heehee..

Lisa V

Amalah,
Please say you are going to the blogher convention.

Amalah

Lisa V: I wish I was, but July 30 is well past the third trimester cut-off date for me and flying. And as I'm in no mood or shape for a road trip from DC to CA, I won't be attending this year.

Jen

Please tell me you have a book!! hahaha THat is great. I didn't stop once and was sad when your post was over! :( Can I have permission to share your blog on my sites?

http://mylifeuntold.blogspot.com
http://findingchrist.blogspot.com

THat's great...

angela

What a damn dirty ape, sicky sickerson!
Shithead is lucky she got away!

mapletree7

Mmmm....wholesome placenta.

betsy

Been reading your diary for some time but just had to comment on the beauty of eavsdropping at a sushi bar. What a prime specimen...A-hole extradinaire. My husband and I delight in listening in on our freakish dining neighbors. It's such a pleasure. You know, a total jerk but totally fascinating!

Cara

Oh man, not sure how you made it through that meal! But I'm glad you did b/c that asshole was quite entertaining!

Kitty

Geez! I would've made a loud (but still under my breath) comment in the guy's general direction. I mean, hey, if I was you I'd be pregnant. And there's no way a guy - even as assholey as him - would hit a pregnant woman. Right?

I hope for his date's sake that she was hearing the same stuff you were and decided to go to the "bathroom" and sneak out on him. And then change her phone number and address.

Shiz

What an asshole!

ASS. HOOOOLE.

Also, he's a jerk.

jomama

Hi. I just clicked on your page after reading Dad Gone Mad archives and I see you are pregnant too! Congrats! I know nothing about you, so I will read the archives before I ask any questions like is it your first and blah blah blah. Later :)

edsel

I had an asshole sit next to me and my own thank-god-we-found-each-other-or-else husband. This happened last week at a bar. Except it was my husband who got too distracted. I was scarfing down a pizza (like Chelsea's mother would, because, you know, that's how women ARE). The guy looked like a total skinny dweeb with pretty hair, and was staring at his cell phone every 2 seconds waiting for it to ring. When it did, he told his friend (and me and husband and poor bartender by proxy) all about this woman with--you guessed it-- baggage! but it's OK, because he took her home, "had his way with her" and then went out again. And then something about the creditors being after him and finding out there was no money for him in the ATM. Oh, and did I mention he was having a plate of asparagus for dinner with a glass of cheap wine, talking about it being "Subtly intense"?????

Sarah

I don't want to throw a damper on all those people who mean well, but I have to point out that Amy's way of dealing with an asshole at the next table is the only way. It is so not okay to tell him he is an asshole, or to make loud comments, or to stand up and ask his date if she wants to leave with you. There are many assholes in the world, but there is no need for them to multiply. I really hope none of your readers ever succumb to the temptation of becoming an asshole in reaction to witnessing one in action.

It is none of my business what somebody says to somebody else about another person who is not me or somebody I know. I don't fault you for listening, telling your husband, telling the world but not identifying him. I think you're a really nice person. But not liking what soembody says when they are not hurting anybody does not give me an excuse to humiliate or otherwise hurt the Ahole. That was my rant for the day, and please let none of your fans hate-mail me for implying they may have bad thoughts. I love Amy, consider me one of you!

Lisa Ann

Your post is a perfect example of why I have given up dating! I must give off off "you're an asshole please ask me out" vibes?

Thanks for the laughs Amy & good luck with the baby.

The comments to this entry are closed.