(Yes, I went to a sushi restaurant this weekend. But no, I did not eat raw fish, so calm down.)
(I've officially reached the stage of pregnancy where my diet has suddenly become The Entire World's Bizness, so even the parking valet was all, "Sushi for baby? Really?" No, dipshit, sushi for husband, veggie tempura for me, and delicious, wholesome placenta for baby.)
(Placenta laced with sake. Rice wine is good for babies, right? Because of...rice?)*
*Hello! This is a joke. Please don't email me.
So we went to a sushi restaurant and sat at the bar, atop the most uncomfortable stools I have ever put my ass on, pregnant or not. I spent the first 20 minutes of our meal bitching about said stools and struggling to find a comfortable position and then promptly taking the martyrrific "No, it's okay" stance when Jason asked if I wanted to get an actual table instead.
I spent the next 20 minutes eavesdropping on the couple seated next to us. Because lo, he was an asshole, and she was slowly discovering that maybe he was kind of an asshole, and it was FASCINATING.
He was the kind of asshole who, when asked if he was an adventurous sushi eater, responded in a booming voice, "I DARE them to TRY and serve me something I won't eat. GOD HIMSELF has not invented something I won't eat."
And then he proceeded to order what appeared to be assorted wuss-variety sushi.
He was the kind of asshole who decided to impress his date with tale after tale of ex-girlfriends tracking him down on the Internet in hopes of reconnecting with him. Because, you know, dating him forever leaves you with a big asshole-shaped emptiness in your heart.
He was particularly fond of the story where an ex emailed him using her married name so he didn't know who she was. She emailed again and provided her maiden name, and he still didn't remember her. He finally figured it out, but it took her telling him what his favorite drink was at the time they dated. (Whisky and pineapple juice.)
He was the kind of asshole who started slurring his words halfway through his second beer.
He was the kind of asshole who loudly complained about the dating scene. "Women just have so much fucking BAGGAGE, man, you know? I don't wanna hear about your fucking ex-husband. I just don't wanna hear about it. It's in the PAST, right? Move on already!"
And then he proceeded to bitch about his ex-wife. A lot.
His date unsuccessfully tried to change the subject and asked about his two daughters.
"So Chelsea's mother is...?"
"Shithead. Chelsea is Shithead's daughter."
"Lauren's from back in high school."
It was sometime around the "Shithead" comment that I grabbed Jason's knee so hard he let out a yelp. Then I muttered something about "the living embodiment of the main characters from Sideways" and made exaggerated eyeball-rolls over in the Asshole's direction. Jason looked over just in time to see the couple inexplicably sucking face. He recoiled in horror.
"Are you trying to get back at me for ordering beef tongue at lunch today or something? I told you, I didn't realize it would look so much like an actual tongue when I ordered it."
"It had BUMPS on it, Jase. TONGUE BUMPS."
Asshole was now in the middle of a full-on tirade about Shithead. Specifically, how much weight she gained during their marriage.
He was the kind of asshole who would talk about a woman's weight while his own gut bulged six inches over the waistline of his too-tight jeans.
"When we got married, she was 105 pounds! Now? 250, EASY. I swear."
His date quietly mentioned that she hadn't weighed 105 pounds since junior high.
The Asshole plowed on. "Well yeah, she was really dinky. But then she had a baby and BOOM, she ballooned right up and didn't even TRY to lose the weight afterwards. Didn't even TRY."
I was starting to have fantasies involving one of the sushi chefs flying over the counter at him, knife in hand, and then things just got violent, so I decided to at least TRY to NOT LISTEN ANYMORE and focus on my non-asshole husband for the rest of the meal.
"Baby, I love you. Don't ever, ever leave me."
(Somehow, and I don't know how he did it because I DO NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF WILLPOWER, Jason refrained from saying that he would never leave me as long as I lose all the baby weight. I know I would have said it, and it wouldn't even have made sense.)
"So I says to my daughter, I says the ONLY WAY your mother is eating dinner at the wedding is if I receive a PERSONAL CHECK for the price of her meal and the check clears BEFORE the wedding because I am NOT PAYING for that woman to eat."
Clearly, I wasn't able to tune him out. He was the kind of asshole who said stuff like that to his own daughter about her own mother before her own wedding.
And then bragged about it later, on a date, over some sashimi.
His date was very nice-looking, and had very impressive arms, like she could knock his fat ass off his twee little stool with a single backhanded slap. But she didn't. I hope she at least wanted to, and DEAR GOD, I hope all the sake she was downing lessened her pain but not her awareness that HER DATE WAS AN ASSHOLE.
Then we left, and as we were waiting for the Very Nosy Valet to bring our car I filled Jason in on all the tidbits of conversation I'd overhead all night.
And then we made out a little, because what else can you do when you realize that you've found someone who really, truly loves you and who will never, ever refer to you as "Shithead" someday?
There is nothing to do but kiss that person madly, right there in public, like a total sentimental asshole.