Not So Much With the Magical Time Bullshit
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Baby Mama Did A Bad, Bad Thing

Sidenote to "someone who used to care," and who sent the delightful hatemail regarding my whorish decision to post my baby registry online: Yes, my cyber-begging is indeed quite loathsome. Particularly the way I personally force each and every reader to spend their hard-earned money on baby supplies, usually at gunpoint. I totally did not post the registry because people repeatedly asked me to, or so my far-flung family would have an easy way to access it. No, I posted it because I feel entitled to get everything my greedy, selfish heart desires. Clearly, I cannot fool you, dear former reader, as you completely nailed both my motivations AND my financial situation based on the 500 words or so that I write each week. Your ability to document every single dollar I've spent during my pregnancy on extravagant handbags (I USED A COUPON, YOU MORON) and kitchen remodels (HOME EQUITY LOAN, YOU DUMBASS), is very impressive and also a little creepy. And while I am not usually the type who emails emotionally-fragile pregnant strangers to call them names, I DO feel close enough to you to confidently call you a raging, bitter asshole.

Love, Spoiled Materialistic Pig Brat Girl.

P.S. Email again and I'm posting your address.
Kisses!

P.P.S. Although I doubt you will since you feel too strongly about my lack of character and concern for starving blog readers in Africa to read the site anymore. Which, hooray! Less asshole, more bandwidth.

I got a LOT of email after yesterday's post, and only some of it was hatemail and/or penis enlargement pill-related.

(Ironically, several messages were, in fact, from readers who wanted to send the babalah a little something, even though I totally was NOT holding a gun to their heads and demanding payment for the hours of timesuck my stupid archives provide. One email was from Bethiclaus, who KNITTED HIM A BLANKET HER OWN SELF, and it made me cry, because y'all! Are too damn sweet. With the knitting. And the caring.)

Anyway. Most of my email yesterday came from other pregnant readers who wanted to confess their sins. And so we confessed together.

We confessed all the horrible things we've done or said, and the even more horrible things we've THOUGHT about doing or saying. We confessed to hating other pregnant girls who only write about the joy and the glowing and who seem to love every minute of their stretch-mark-free pregnancy. (Confession: my belly pictures are stretch-mark free because YOU CANNOT SEE MY ASS OR THIGHS. There. Now you know.)

And we debated whether our crazy pregnant behavior would warrant a coach or a business-class ticket to hell. I don't know if it made anybody else feel better, but it sure as hell helped me.

Well, temporarily, anyway. Until I woke up for the fourth time at 4 a.m. after getting kicked in the ribs AGAIN and then starting thinking about breastfeeding twenty times a night for months on end and dammit, now I have to pee, only when I go to pee, the baby's head is squooshing my bladder in such a way that peeing requires some complex acrobatics involving leg-stretching and bending and OKAY, I'M WIDE AWAKE NOW AND READY TO OBSESS OVER WHAT I WILL DO WHEN I DISCOVER AN EMPTY CONDOM WRAPPER IN MY 14-YEAR-OLD'S ROOM LIKE HULK HOGAN DID ON HIS SHOW AND WHY AM I WATCHING THAT SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.

ALSO CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, WHICH I BET YOU FOUR FRILLION DOLLARS WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED CELEBRITY FAT CAMP.

Anyway. I'm all freaked out and jiggy again today. So clearly, it's time for another round of Seekrit Pregnancy Confessions.

Here is a limited list of sins, bad things and crimes against humanity and my pregnant readers and I copped to yesterday over email. I'm protecting everyone's identity, and will not be identifying who thought or did or said what. Including myself, because damn, I already told you about the ass stretch marks, what more do you want from me?

THE GIRLFRIEND'S GUIDE TO (A BATSHIT INSANE BUT ULTIMATELY NORMAL) PREGNANCY

We've called our husband "the biggest asshole on the planet" in the diaper aisle of the supermarket.

We've told him "we'll have sex when I feel pretty again."

We've considered offering a blow job in return for painting the baby's room.

We've thought about kicking the cat for the sheer hell of it.

We've refrained from kicking the cat, but shoved it off the bed instead.

We've begged to be held.

We've kicked our partner away after five minutes of holding because it's too damn hot.

We've called our unborn babies brats.

We've threatened divorce.

Repeatedly.

We've wondered aloud if this whole baby thing was a colossal mistake.

We've compiled a list of our partner's features that we secretly hope the baby doesn't inherit.

We've been disappointed when the ultrasound revealed a girl or a boy because we wanted the other.

We've found that guilt trips are really the best and only way to get what we want.

We've screamed "YOU DID THIS TO ME" and we're not even in labor yet.

We're really worried that our babies will be ugly.

And who likes an ugly baby? Who?

We're worried that there's something wrong with our babies and it's all because of what we ate/drank/did/thought during pregnancy.

We're worried we won't love our babies.

We're worried our babies won't love us.

We're worried our boobs won't work.

We're worried we'll poop during labor and that our partner will see us poop during labor.

We're scared to death of postpartum depression.

When asked how we feel, we always say that we feel great, no matter how fucking miserable we are.

We've cried.

Over nothing.

Over everything.

And we've eaten a combined total of 438 pints of Ben & Jerry's.

Comments

Dyllenne

I'm just stunned that someone would send you a nasty email like that. So many blogs have an Amazon wish list attached, so a baby registry is par for the course. Gimme a break. But you shouldn't have to justify it anyway.

It's just jealousy. You get an outlet to voice your fears and fierce love from your daily readers on how to get through the hormonal swings and obsessive thoughts on why pregnancy sucks and everything else that sucks in life. You might be living the life that she wishes she could - Coach handbags and home improvements and a cute dog to pee on the Boppy pillow, and damn you to hell for it.

You don't need that shit, and she should be ashamed she wrote it in attempt to make herself feel better.

I don't know if you've read it, but the best book I found on pregnancy is aptly titled Pregnancy Sucks. Defiitely not the Hallmark version and worth the read :)

Take care and stay out inside in these next two days (Excessive Heat Warning and all that).

Cagey

Thanks for posting the Sins. I needed that. I wonder if we can cut to the chase and just book a charter cruise straight to Hell? Then, we could at least enjoy the trip down there together, right?

Look closely - you CAN get a "martini" out of "maternity".

Chris

Less asshole, more bandwidth. I love it!

Dyllenne

oops should have simply said 'stay inside'...stopped myself from typing 'stay out of the heat' and forgot to delete the 'out'.

Sarah King

I am definitely not pregnant, but I used to want to be pregnant one day. Is it normal that I am sort of resonsidering all that? If I wait a few years, I will be able to send a lab our genes, wait three more years and go pick up a smiling toddler, won't I? I better send money to a good scientist so she gets cracking on that!

Seriously though, congratulations on being brave enough to admit that nothing in life is easy and some things are worth a whole lot of shit.

Miss W

May I also add that I personally? HATE being pregnant. I don't like it. And I catch myself wishing it were just over already; except I've had so many "over alreadys" with nothing to show for it that every time that thought comes into my head, I end up going to bed to cry myself to sleep because I am such a horrible person for even thinking that!

As for Celebrity Fat Club and Hogan Knows Something (about causing his skinny daughter to turn to bulimia)...My husband pointed out to me while obsessively watching them ALL DAY Sunday that *I* am the real reason that we can't get away from reality TV and go back to the joyful times of our youth when all things televised were scripted and problems were solved in 30 minutes. (Also, when even those orphan kids on Diff'rent Strokes and Sister Kate were truly superior in all things virtuous and materialistic than the average middle-class girl..but I digress)

Duckie

Delurking! Don't worry! I'm nice! Don't listen to those bizzitches, you are going to be a good Mamalah, you aren't selfish or a shellfish, and you are very pretty. Want me to kick some ass for you? I bet I can take'm if they are pregnant. Also, if you haven't tried Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, you seriously don't know what you are missing. I want to get knocked up just to be able to eat an elephants weight of that stuff. I might even roll around in it and then eat it.

Real Girl

That blanket is adorable! Yay for ribbons on blankets.

And why have I also eaten 438 pints of Ben & Jerry's this summer (and Godiva ice cream, which is God-like) and I'm nowhere near preggers?

Heather

Damn, girl. People suck, but I feel as though you handled that email with all kinds of style and grace.

Shiz

I'm so glad Asshole hit it right on the head like that. So good of her to be all nice and helpful and point out the truth to you, her self-righteous self, and to the rest of the internet! Rock ON, self-righteous bitch! You da shit!

This was a very funny entry. Keep on rocking in the free pregnant world and it's ok to have major freak-outs because it means you're normal. The other girls are Stepford Wives.

VHMPrincess

Celebrity Fit Club! I'm not the only one!

What the HELL happened w/Janie Lane? He went from super-stud to potato round geek?

Pratt

Amalah, I know you will persevere through all this and you will be an amazing mom. Would you mind if I send you Beatrix Potter stuff for the baby? I dig the bunnies ya know.

Amalah

DUDE. Celebrity Fit Club may be the greatest thing ever. Fat Crazy Gary Busey losing his shit at the Snapple Lady? While the lead singer from Warrant has some kind of divorce-induced meltdown? And Willie Ames, aka Bibleman, is like, the most normal person there? You cannot ask for better television, really.

I feel so much better after talking about this.

Minarae

I totally bought something for Squishy this week and it's totally not on the registry. Now stop aiming that gun at me! ;-) (Seriously though, it's too cute and it's been in my totebag waiting to be mailed because I am a slacker extraordinaire when it comes to mailing things)

halloweenlover

So glad to hear that you are feeling a little bit better. I hear from everyone that pregnancy is hard and that hating being pregnant except for the moments that the baby kicks is normal also.

And that asshole emailer sucks. I love that you put the baby registry. No complaints here. Well, maybe one. MORE PICTURES!!!

~L.

Wow. Ho-bag has nothing better to do than to get all hissy about someone's website? I wish I had nothing better to do. I would write you nice emails, thought, and therefore am more deserving of having nothing better to do.

Also, thanks for being normal and proving that everyone has a tough time now and then. Even if they do have cute purses and (currently) vermin-free kitchens.

Jessie

I have to say that your letter to the asshat who wrote you a nasty email is great. I wish I could come up with the words to express myself like that when I am angry.

Also, I think that you and the other pregnant ladies are perfectly normal pregnant ladies. It's a big thing, growing and birthing a baby, and you have every right to go batshit crazy whenever you want.

beth

That list of Seekrit Sins?

Is the exact list that scares the crap out of me so much that I'm terrified of being pregnant.

So, thanks for posting it. I can show it to my husband the next time he wants to make a baby. He'll run away and I can avoid being pregnant for a little longer.

I want kids, just not necessarily pregnancy. Does that make me a bad person?

beth

Also. Poo on the mean person who is a big lame-o. And hooray for you for calling him/her on his/her lameassery.

gwen

My husband used to be horrified when in my 38th week I would look at my belly and scream "Get out!" But, seriously, there came a point when one of us had to go, and it wasn't going to be me.

My only advice, as someone who has indeed been there, is to enjoy the amount of time that you have to yourself now. There are some days when I would kill to be able to go into the bathroom by myself and use the toilet!

bd

Um, how did you girls get my input on the whole pregnancy convo when I wasn't even there? The only thing I would add is being envious of someone who went and gave birth early when we had the same due date and now she is already walking and feeling better but more to the point, she isn't pregnant anymore.

MK

OK, I about peed my pants reading the list...not that peeing my pants would be a new thing, because I am also pregnant! I would like to add to the list though...

I have cursed my husband and told him that it is his fault I am sick because he put his "demon seed in me" (I have to say though that no matter what we are fighting about- this one makes us both laugh).

I scare him with my horrible prganancy nightmeres.

I tell him that dealing with me and my moods is his penance for doing this to me.

Just a few of my commen ones...

Hang in there! And skrew the haters- they are just jealous!

lindsay

the list just grows Mamalah! the boobs will work and if not you will manage with formula... and I gained about the same amount of weight as you have (about 27 lbs. total)and was back into normal clothes 3 weeks later. Don't worry too much about coping because you will. And Babalah will be amazing to behold.

mmc

Good for you. I just don't understand people...if you don't like the content, WHY DO YOU KEEP READING? I have gotten a few negative comments, but I didn't have any responses NEARLY as good as yours!
As for the pg thing.....I've been down the road 4 times, have 2 children + 1 on the way to show for all the grief. I dislike being pregnant mostly, but, not all the time. My current gripe is about how MY being pg makes you feel YOU ought to give me unsolicited advice about my reproductive abilities....and in front of my kids! It's my right to have, or not have, as many kids as I want, provided I have the financial means and emotional stability to deal (that last part is just my opinion). I'm having a new t-shirt made up that says "Mind your own damn business."
Thanks for making me laugh.

Jamila

Excellent response to the "h8er". Now THAT was a smackdown!

Thank you for being honest about what you really feel during pregnancy. As someone hoping to be in that position at SOME point, I'd like to know what I'm up against. And once there, I'd sure like to know that I'm not alone having those feelings.

amberlyn

me too, me too! i am only 12 weeks along, and so far i HATE being pregnant. so tired of being sick and miserable and not being able to drink margaritas.

i've also been calling the little one "parasite," much to the horror of my friends and immediate family.

i mean that with love, really i do.

warcrygirl

My biggest pregnancy sin? Telling my husband if he wanted sex so badly to go get himself a girlfriend because I was too fat and too miserable to care. Thank god he recognized hormone-induced rage when he saw it.

There, I said it. :(

When I get crap like that I just go ahead and list ISPs and email addies right off the bat, but then again I'm mean.

Ninotchka

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for this post. I'm pregnant with my THIRD, you'd think I'd be a PRO. HA!

My husband has coined this "The Angry Pregnancy"

'Nuff said.

Sue

You tell 'em Amalah!! grr on the nasties all up in your grits!

Amy

I will admit it too. There are MANY times a day where I hate this pregnancy. The sick, and the sick and then oh yeah, the SICK. I can't stand this anymore. And everyone is all, "No it's a good thing you're sick." Bite me. It's not good. It sucks. And the baby is doing this to me.

Imagine the resentment factor if this wasn't planned -- off the charts!

I feel your pain and I do NOT look forward to another six months of this. Apparently, it just gets better and better.

Diana

Good lord _ you crack me up!

No joke about Celebrity Fat Camp. I am absolutely in love with Phil, mostly because we have so much in common - we both have a bewildered and scared look on our face watching all of the "real" celebrities duking it out. Have you seen this guy's kid on his MTV show. What a total a#@hole he is. The show is a knockoff of "Jackass" and last season Phil's son had a day called "Don't Feed Phil Day" where everyone in the town was banned from feeding his dad - the family, the restaurants, etc. Although actually funny to watch, my heart broke for this man and I secretly wished he would just sit on his brat of a kid for a couple of hours and show him who is boss.

Just thought I'd share (and sorry about all of the quotation marks and excessive punctuation...I obviously drank five cups of coffee too many this morning).

lisaelectric

De-lurking to say that SO brought back a memory of standing in the grocery store with my husband yelling at me, "You're killing our baby!" because I bought hot dogs...

He's: now my X-husband.
She (the baby)is: 18, 6 feet tall, drop-dead gorgeous and healthy...in spite of my best efforts to kill her with hot dogs.

You will be fine, the baby will be fine, Jason will be fine, and all your loyal, supportive and generous readers are fine, too. You are awesome!

Chris

Great googly moogly! There are some seriously insensitive pig-fuckers out there..

Doodle

Picture this...the scene in 50 First Dates where Drew Barrymore is beating "Ula" with the baseball bat, she starts to walk back to Adam Sandler and he calles her a crazy bizzzth and she yells, "keep running!" Then turns and smiles and laughs...

That's me beating up whoever was tacky about your gift registry. The bat in real life was plastic or foam but the sound effect was great!

She can go read someone else's website if she doesn't like your content!!!

Doesn't she know not to mess with a pregnant woman!

type a

damn it - are people being mean to you again? i turn my head for ONE MINUTE . . . gimme the address - GIMMIE!!

MamaKaren

I can totally identify with the Mama sins (confession: I actually did poop while in labor. I also puked. On my husband. It's his own damned fault for knocking me up, isn't it?)

gosh. I was trying to figure out how to ask you for an address without seeming stalker-y, or offer to meet you in a totally public place along Rockville Pike or something, when I finish the blanket I'm knitting, and now I see that bethiclaus beat me to it and made a much, much nicer one than mine anyway. I'm just lame.

Amalah

MamaKaren? More knitting? For the babalah?

Crap, am misty and weepy again. Quick, somebody start talking about The Surreal Life, or something.

PaintingChef

Oh my GOD I cannot wait to be pregnant so that I'll have an excuse for some of the crazy shit I do.

PaintingChef

Oh, and ew...Omarosa's little bitty titty on Surreal Life...

stella

That person who was mean to you, sucks.

CrazyRideLady

I know you've heard this a thousand times already, but really, you will get through this. I've been there, through all of this and you'll survive. Revel in it! Cry all day if you want! You will survive it all and Babalah will thrive! Wanna talk about nesting? In the week before my daughter was born, I repainted her room, the room that was painted a month earlier because I changed my mind about the color. AND, I stripped and revarnished the all the baby furniture to match the new paint job - all while bawling my eyes out because I was sure my daughter would grow up to hate me.

Frema

Duckie is right. Chunky Monkey rocks.
I can eat a pint in one sitting--er, I mean I will occasionally savor a spoonful every now and again.

Also, you think haters would no better than to send you nasty mail at this point. They should know by now that the Internet Army of Amalah is always poised and ready for battle.

Frema

And yes, I'm the idiot who just mistyped "no" for "know."

MollieBee

Beth, you're not a bad person honey.

I HATED being pregnant.

Dawn

Coming out of lurkdom to wonder ...Why would that asshole be so mean ?

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I once ate an entire large pizza in one sitting (while my husband was at work, of course... and I hid the empty box from him). When I was pregnant with my youngest, I ate an entire box of one dozen doughnuts while I read the newspaper. Again, I hid the empty box in the bottom of the trash. To this day, my husband doesn't know I did these things. Ha.

Sabine

The fact that someone would send you email like is awful. If she emails again, you post that address. Me and Type A will sick em'!

deb

You've got such a lucky little one in there! You are going to be an amazing mom. It's not all about being happy and glowing all the time. That's not real.

I did not love being pregnant and man, regularly those hormones still kick in and I become the raving lunatic, yet again. My mom will ask me if I can remember my life before kids and I still say "YES! DAMMIT!". My kids are only 5 and 20 months, and I love their guts but man - I'll confess - sometimes I wish I was single and kidless again. And sometimes I just need my meds adjusted and it all gets better (not kidding about that one). Pass the chocolate fudge brownie, please.

MamaKaren

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I once ate an entire large pizza in one sitting (while my husband was at work, of course... and I hid the empty box from him).
Damn, I just did that last night- it wasn't a large pizza, but I did eat a whole pizza and hide the box before hubby and the kids got home (luckily it was trash night.) And I haven't been pregnant since March 2003, I'm just PMS-y.

Steph

Also coming out of lurkdom to say that it was shitty for someone to say anything about your baby registry.

And, you all atleast have a very good excuse to be a bitch sometimes. I have no excuse for why I am a bitch all the time.

megan

It is too damn hot to deal with mean bee-atches.

Pick up some B&J, revel in the AC and know that there are lots of lovely and insane (in a good way) people out here sending you good vibes.

Sara

Amy after you have the baby you'll have a new list of sins.
1.) This whole Mom thing is fucking hard!
2.) Sometimes I wish it could be like what it was like before we had the baby.
3.) Would someone take this baby before I go berserk?
4.) You want me to have sex with you when I have had a baby attached to my hip all damn day? Yes, I know the baby is asleep. Finally. Now leave me alone so I can____ (Fill in the blank).

I found that I was quite normal for feeling those things, even though I thought I must be the worse wife/mother on the planet.

Starfruit

That wingnut that posted the meanie email is a fucktard! :)

Hope you got my email yesterday, Amy, it was a tad bit more favorable I dare say!

callistawolf

First off: BOO to the hate-mailer. If someone wants to buy Babalah nice things, I say let em. ;)

And I can DEFINITELY admit to some (or more) of the items in the pregnancy sin list. Particularly the one about calling the baby a brat in utero. Maybe not THIS pregnancy as I'm only 14 weeks along and the child hasn't had a chance to be a brat yet (give him/her time). But I know I have in the past. Many times. Particularly when my first born LOVED to lodge one of his feet in my ribs and then kicked. Loved that. :P

Pam

The poop thing? Happened to me too. And in front of approximately 80 other people, including my husband. My kiddo was a month early, so there were extra people there for that, plus apparently whoever wandered by in the hallway popped in for a peek at my poop. Luckily, my husband didn't mention this embarrassing detail until months later (after the hormones had calmed down, of course. He's no fool.)

The worst hormonal meltdown I had was a few days after I gave birth. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it does take a while for the hormones to leave you in peace.) Due to the previously-mentioned early arrival of our daughter, our entire upstairs was still being painted and painters were traipsing through our house at all times, even after I came home from the hospital. One had the nerve - THE NERVE! - to clean his brush in my kitchen sink, leaving little paint droppings in the drain. I completely lost it and accused my husband (who hadn't even been home at the time) of trying to kill our baby (who, btw, was still in the hospital in the NICU at the time) with paint fumes, and just what kind of mother was I going to be with only half my brain left because the half the minimally was working had BEEN POISONED BY PAINT FUMES???

Our daughter is a perfectly normal 9 year old now. No residual brain damage from paint fumes that I can see. Her mom? Not so normal, but motherhood'll do that to ya, and at least I rarely accuse my DH of poisoning us anymore. :-)

Nola

Um, we don't need no hateration. How is that not clear to people?

zambonigirl

Well, it's a good thing your web stalker never looked at Buffalo Bill's Blog, because not only does he have an Amazon wish list, but he KILLS PEOPLE with the things you buy him! Her. Whatever. Oh look, a little white yappy purse dog!

drea

see, now I have to ask if my mom felt that way when she was pregnant with me. I should also apologize to her for what changes I caused.

Screw the hate mail. Who thinks like that? Other than Tom Cruise, I mean. Because fuck knows, hormones aren't a good enough reason to become crazy.

cate

Firstly, haters: get lost, and back off Amalah. I'm a reader, I don't know Amy or Jason and I still often feel like I want to get them and Squishy something just because there is something beautiful and hopeful about a baby [not the pregnancy, anymore ;)].

Also, we're not even going to be trying to conceive for at least another year and I already told my husband I don't want them [the future kids]to have his eyes, they're kinda crooked! I'm such a bitch... but I'm glad other ladies are, too!

cheryl b.

Diana, I'm really nice and am only writing this because I'm like Hermione, an insufferable know-it-all. Jackass is actually MTV's version of the CKY (camp kill yourself) movies that Bam and his friends made (his brother is in a kick-ass band with the same name). Bam owns all the rights to Jackass. Before he made a ton of money doing that and skateboarding his parents lived in a crap-ass trailer. Everything they own, the house, cars ect. Bam bought for them. And he is actually scared to death that Phil is going to have a heart attack and die because of his weight.

Tiffani

Thank you for speaking out about pregnancy. Why do people in this country perpetuate the myth that pregnant women should be unconditionally ecstatic about pregnancy and that those who aren't will necessarily be bad mothers? Pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable / painful! I recommend Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood.

Ashley

Amalah,

I love your site! Just wanted to let you know that I clicked your link for "Woulda Coulda Shoulda" and I think it's misdirected. Just a heads up.

dillygirl

Begone "someone who used to care." You suck. All your base are belong to us.

Oh, and Duckie & Frema have it right. Chunky Monkey is the ULTIMATE B&J flavor. You must try it. Banana ice cream with walnuts and dark chocolate chunks. Yum.

And Amalah? Your Seekrits are safe with us. :)

Lisa B

Ok Missy.... Being Pregnant.... Yup, I thought all of those things too. Especially hoped that the baby wouldn't turn into an asshole like his father. Then after 5 minutes I would hope the baby would be just like his father because at THAT 5 minutes in time, I loved the man crazily.

I distrust women who always tell me how wonderful their lives are. In those cases, you listen to what they AREN'T saying that gives you more info...

And I don't know why people would get pissy over the ads or registry. So silly. Life is too short.

Lisa B

Ok Missy.... Being Pregnant.... Yup, I thought all of those things too. Especially hoped that the baby wouldn't turn into an asshole like his father. Then after 5 minutes I would hope the baby would be just like his father because at THAT 5 minutes in time, I loved the man crazily.

I distrust women who always tell me how wonderful their lives are. In those cases, you listen to what they AREN'T saying that gives you more info...

And I don't know why people would get pissy over the ads or registry. So silly. Life is too short.

tone

That list is one of the funniest damn things I have read. Makes me wish I was pregnant instead of trying to get pregnant, just so I could bitch with you!

Jenn

For the record, the best Ben and Jerry's Flavor is by far...the Oatmeal cookie with cinnamon. It is just too good for words.

And, what an asswipe, to get all bent out of shape over a registry listing. Sounds as though they are bitter.

What asshole messes with a pregnant woman -- someone who must be very sad. They should be pitied for being so pathetic.

Kathryn

Alright, I had to comment--y'all are a bunch of liars if you are trying to claim that any flavor of Ben and Jerry's but CHUBBY HUBBY is the best. I'm sorry, Amalah, I don't want to have to point out what bad people your readers are, but that's just blatantly WRONG to deny the clear superiority of Chubby Hubby. Chocolate.Covered.Peanut.Butter.Filled.Pretzels. Deny that, bitches!

Lisa V

Be sure you follow through on that blow job for painting the baby's room. If he paints the baby's room and you don't ahem "kneel", you won't get him to move the piano with the same promise.

Lisa B

OH and just so you know... Speaking of guilt... If you have the baby and don't feel the love, don't worry either. Apparently one of the wierd side effects of having an epidural is that sometimes it tends to "numb" your emotions. When I had my child, the only thing I could think was, "Oh my god, there really WAS a baby in there." And I remember thinking, "I could sign adoption papers right now, walk away, return to my normal life and wouldn't even feel sad. I probably wouldn't even look back." I felt really bad for it but over time, I started to love my little man. And if you end up experiencing that... It is perfectly normal too.

There's always this grand romantic view of love at first sight but that's not always the way it works. Don't freak.

Lisa B

OH and just so you know... Speaking of guilt... If you have the baby and don't feel the love, don't worry either. Apparently one of the wierd side effects of having an epidural is that sometimes it tends to "numb" your emotions. When I had my child, the only thing I could think was, "Oh my god, there really WAS a baby in there." And I remember thinking even as I left, "I could sign adoption papers right now, walk away, return to my normal life and wouldn't even feel sad. I probably wouldn't even look back." I felt really bad for it but over time, I started to love my little man. And if you end up experiencing that... It is perfectly normal too.

There's always this romantic talk of love at first sight but that's not always the way it works.

Bethiclaus

The blanket I made is actually crocheted, but thanks for the shout-out.

Clearly, there are more angry pregnant women than one might assume from watching television.

Glad I could be a happy email after one from such an asshat.

amalah

Okay, before there's some kind of Ben & Jerry's Smackdown over here, I am going on the record to say that yes, Chubby Hubby is delicious and all, but for a weepy pregnant woman there is nothing better than the current "limited batch" flavor called Chocolate Therapy.

Chocolate ice cream with chocolate-chocolate-chip cookie bits, and swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream. Holy God.

If it disappears from stores BEFORE September 28, there will be bloodshed, is all I'm saying.

De

You rock Amalah! I can SO relate to that pregnancy list... argh. I am always saying that, but being pregnant is getting HARD now and WHAT... we STILL have 2 months to go.

..and onthe topic of B&J, I gotta add my two cents. New York Super Fudge Chunk, heavenly...OH OH and for some strange reason I'm digging the coconut kind that you can't find in any store. What's up with that?

Screw that dumbass reader!

Sarah

I was all debating whether I should send a present to the babalah but self-righteous bitch pushed me right into action! Seriously, the internet/blogging produces enough scary shit why complain about a nice thing, like a network of women wanting to celebrate with someone who makes them laugh.

Kathryn

hee! Sarah, you know Amalah only posted that letter so that people would respond by sending her gifts, right? She's so transparent! Good thing that woman can see right through it all..

And Amalah? Chocolate pudding ice cream? What now? That's LEGAL?? Don't come looking for it in Chicago--I'm going to buy every pint in the city and stockpile it. I've already single-handedly caused a Pudding Pop shortage at my grocery store..

schmutzie

When I see little donate buttons or wishlist links or whathaveyou on people's sites, I think of it as being like busking. Someone is putting themselves out there, creating for the masses, and what's so awful about throwing your hat down on the sidewalk? I gave money to a violinist downtown the other day. Should I have called him a greedy attention-whore instead?

Bonanza Jellybean

Isn't it funny how the chickenshits always email instead of posting a comment?

Don't worry- I recently got some hate mail saying what a horrible wife I was and how lust is a deadly sin and I'm bound for hell because of a post on my blog saying John Taylor of Duran Duran was my Imaginary Blog Boyfriend. IMAGINARY.

And all the Mommy stuff, I said it all too and felt horrendously guilty about it. BUT... I am smart enough to know what kind of names my daughter will be calling me when she's 16, so I figure I'm allowed to think what I want.

I'm apparently a bad mom too. Email away, assholes! Leave Amalah alone- she's pregnant in a heat wave and cannot adequately defend herself.

Laura B

OK, seriously? Did you know that pregnant women are in a super special protected class with respect to the tort of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? What that means is: YOU HAVE TO BE NICE to pregnant women, IT IS THE LAW! :)

anna

"Be sure you follow through on that blow job for painting the baby's room. If he paints the baby's room and you don't ahem "kneel", you won't get him to move the piano with the same promise."

I think this was secretly posted by Jason.

Sarcastic Journalist

I've been there with almost every single one of them. Excpet replace cat with random person at the store.

I'm there again with you. Amalah, I have my own and trust me, IT IS BAAAAAAAAAAAD. So bad I just don't share with the random internet so I don't get hate mail.

Think! At the end of this? You get a baby that walks around your house with your dirty sock in it's mouth!

RockStar Mommy

Being pregnant sucks. And anyone who sends you hatemail saying the contrary obviously has severe emotional issues and needs to have another creature living off her in order to feel a shred of self worth.

Not that every woman who enjoys being pregnant (is there such a thing?) is a needy freak - just the ones that judge you for not being the same way.

Welcome to the world of motherhood, where you will be stared at and judged for the REST OF YOUR GODDAMNED LIFE on every single fucking decision that you make. Having a tough skin helps, but knowing how to throw a really good left hook seems to work the best....

Melanie

You have no idea how much laughter you bring to my day. Your writing is superb. I just wanted to add that I spent all last week in Washington and I don't know how you people do it. The sweltering heat up there made me yearn for Florida. In July. I couldn't believe it. I don't know how you do it - pregnant, no less. But I'm sure your greediness and threats to others to supply you with a diaper genie and mobile can be attributed to the heat messing with your brain. Take care.

warcrygirl

Hey Amy, if you get Maola ice cream up your way I strongly suggest you try a flavor called "Death by Chocolate". It's chocolate ice cream with bits of chocolate brownies, chocolate chunks and chocolate syrup. At least I think that's all, all I know is it's absolutely DIVINE!

HipMamaB

The reason why everyone says that pregnancy is so great is because about 7 days after you give birth you start to totally forget how it was to be pregnant. I know, I know. At 20-odd weeks preggers I SWORE that I would remember every detail and I couldn't understand how my friends with babies didn't remember going through this. But now, almost 17 months later.. I swear I only remember how much I used to love to rub my belly and feel the baby kick.

I threw up for the 4 months and was on bed rest for hypertension the last 8 weeks and remember telling people how much I hated being pregnant, but I don't really remember how it felt. Obviously this is a little trick that nature plays on us to get us to get knocked-up again and cont. to propagate the human race.

The same phenomenon happens with the baby/toddler stage. And it prompts people like your mother in law to say things like "Oh, my babies NEVER threw a tantrum like that in public! I could take them anywhere and they were just perfect!"

Amalah

Good lordy lord, when I wrote my response to the stupid hatemailer, I so DID NOT intend for people to rush out and start buying presents in defense of poor little put-upon me. Honest. Was just mad and cranky and OH MY GOD, IT'S 107 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

Oh! And I had my work shower yesterday and got many lovely, awesome things, including the almighty car seat and Pack N' Play. This is what happens when all your coworkers know you have a blog and want to stay on your good side lest you write about the cheap-ass shower gift they bought you.

So no more gifts required. I'd pull the registry link down but then, you know, the hatemailers would win.

Plus, I have really pretty thank-you notes to send out and I LOVE sending out really pretty thank-you notes.

(Can you tell I'd like to be writing an actual entry but stupid TypePad isn't working? So yadda yadda pudding ice cream blah blah blah.)

andie

what an asshat!
because you should be totally spending every penny you have and every second of the day devoted to your unborn child.
you're doing a great thing by letting women know the truth about pregnancy. how many of us, including myself, had no idea what the real woman endures. and that it's normal and that's it's okay to express these emotions. so there.. rock on!

Shiz

Someone who used to care,

So what? Go away.

Shiz

Franci

Pregnancy is a strange thing and at the same time it is one of the most natural things in the world. No wonder that poor mom's head, overflown wiht various hormones results in strange/quite normal thoughts, right?
I myself enjoyed being pregnant, despite the throw ups, but I can feel those people's pain who are not totally happy about their condition.

Léonie

You're lovely. You really are, and don't let any idiot tell you otherwise.
Think how many Mums-to-be are reading and have just thought to themselves 'oh my GOD I'm so glad someone articulated that and it's not just me and I also feel a little bit like I need some Ben and Jerry's and now I KNOW that's ALRIGHT' and other stuff too.
I am not pregnant, but I was still warmed by that post.

drea

Well, Dove now has the ice cream out with the chocolate ganache on top. Because damn, a pint with carmel swirls isn't enough.

plus, i see no reason why you can't put up a wish list, so the whole world can see how very selfish you are.

;x

Zoot

Oooh...you got your pack-n-play...WEE! Those things are so cool! Good for your coworkers. I only work with four men in my office and two of them have hours cut back like I do, so I'm doubting I'll get a "work shower"

So I'm going to post a link to a gift registry so I can be a materialistic spoiled brat too!

Robyn

Wow, you have a lot of readers! I love your posts. I am expecting myself, and it's nice to know people are actually honestly having the same thoughts and feelings I am. I pooped on the table last time to my undying embarrasment. But they tell me the nurse scooped it away before anyone could even tell what it was. Plus, you have other things to worry about than taking a crap!!

Heather

Amy, you kick ass. Thanks for being so honest. All of us need to bitch sometimes about our perfectly good lives, whether we're pregnant or not.

warcrygirl

Okay, I came back to read the additional comments AFTER I defied the hate and visited your registry. But...I did get you practical things.

God, I'm turing into my grandmother. Next I'll be buying you socks and underwear for Christmas...

Wacky Mommy

Sit down, lift belly, pee. It works great. Did someone already tell u this? sorry, no time to read through your volumes of fan mail.

have fun, hon.

Wacky Mommy

Trance

Welcome to the world of Blogging As a Parent, in which certain lovely people will throw unsolicited advice at you and call you an asshole if you you do anything that they, in their infinite wisdom, deem un-Perfect-Motherly. Yaaaaaaay.

Screw the haters in the ear and keep on rocking.

kathy

OK, have been on vacation, so I know this post is way late and no one will care, but am catching up on all the Amalahs since I left. And I won't offer any ass-comments-vice about the 'list' as it has been thoroughly covered above.

But I had to confess, in a public forum, that I am obsessed with Celebrity Fit Club. Who are these people? Has everyone in America been on TV now except for me? And what is with the Snapple Lady? Isn't it kind of a bad sign to be on Celebrity Fit Club TWICE? Isn't that some sort of indicator that it does NOT work? And Harvey? The poor man's answer to Billy Blanks?

I could go on. I won't . I told you I was obsessed. There's nothing else on at bedtime on Sunday except news and who the hell? wants to watch that depressing shit.

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