Baby Mama Did A Bad, Bad Thing
July 26, 2005
Sidenote to "someone who used to care," and who sent the delightful hatemail regarding my whorish decision to post my baby registry online: Yes, my cyber-begging is indeed quite loathsome. Particularly the way I personally force each and every reader to spend their hard-earned money on baby supplies, usually at gunpoint. I totally did not post the registry because people repeatedly asked me to, or so my far-flung family would have an easy way to access it. No, I posted it because I feel entitled to get everything my greedy, selfish heart desires. Clearly, I cannot fool you, dear former reader, as you completely nailed both my motivations AND my financial situation based on the 500 words or so that I write each week. Your ability to document every single dollar I've spent during my pregnancy on extravagant handbags (I USED A COUPON, YOU MORON) and kitchen remodels (HOME EQUITY LOAN, YOU DUMBASS), is very impressive and also a little creepy. And while I am not usually the type who emails emotionally-fragile pregnant strangers to call them names, I DO feel close enough to you to confidently call you a raging, bitter asshole.
Love, Spoiled Materialistic Pig Brat Girl.
P.S. Email again and I'm posting your address. Kisses!
P.P.S. Although I doubt you will since you feel too strongly about my lack of character and concern for starving blog readers in Africa to read the site anymore. Which, hooray! Less asshole, more bandwidth.
I got a LOT of email after yesterday's post, and only some of it was hatemail and/or penis enlargement pill-related.
(Ironically, several messages were, in fact, from readers who wanted to send the babalah a little something, even though I totally was NOT holding a gun to their heads and demanding payment for the hours of timesuck my stupid archives provide. One email was from Bethiclaus, who KNITTED HIM A BLANKET HER OWN SELF, and it made me cry, because y'all! Are too damn sweet. With the knitting. And the caring.)
Anyway. Most of my email yesterday came from other pregnant readers who wanted to confess their sins. And so we confessed together.
We confessed all the horrible things we've done or said, and the even more horrible things we've THOUGHT about doing or saying. We confessed to hating other pregnant girls who only write about the joy and the glowing and who seem to love every minute of their stretch-mark-free pregnancy. (Confession: my belly pictures are stretch-mark free because YOU CANNOT SEE MY ASS OR THIGHS. There. Now you know.)
And we debated whether our crazy pregnant behavior would warrant a coach or a business-class ticket to hell. I don't know if it made anybody else feel better, but it sure as hell helped me.
Well, temporarily, anyway. Until I woke up for the fourth time at 4 a.m. after getting kicked in the ribs AGAIN and then starting thinking about breastfeeding twenty times a night for months on end and dammit, now I have to pee, only when I go to pee, the baby's head is squooshing my bladder in such a way that peeing requires some complex acrobatics involving leg-stretching and bending and OKAY, I'M WIDE AWAKE NOW AND READY TO OBSESS OVER WHAT I WILL DO WHEN I DISCOVER AN EMPTY CONDOM WRAPPER IN MY 14-YEAR-OLD'S ROOM LIKE HULK HOGAN DID ON HIS SHOW AND WHY AM I WATCHING THAT SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ALSO CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, WHICH I BET YOU FOUR FRILLION DOLLARS WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED CELEBRITY FAT CAMP.
Anyway. I'm all freaked out and jiggy again today. So clearly, it's time for another round of Seekrit Pregnancy Confessions.
Here is a limited list of sins, bad things and crimes against humanity and my pregnant readers and I copped to yesterday over email. I'm protecting everyone's identity, and will not be identifying who thought or did or said what. Including myself, because damn, I already told you about the ass stretch marks, what more do you want from me?
THE GIRLFRIEND'S GUIDE TO (A BATSHIT INSANE BUT ULTIMATELY NORMAL) PREGNANCY
We've called our husband "the biggest asshole on the planet" in the diaper aisle of the supermarket.
We've told him "we'll have sex when I feel pretty again."
We've considered offering a blow job in return for painting the baby's room.
We've thought about kicking the cat for the sheer hell of it.
We've refrained from kicking the cat, but shoved it off the bed instead.
We've begged to be held.
We've kicked our partner away after five minutes of holding because it's too damn hot.
We've called our unborn babies brats.
We've threatened divorce.
Repeatedly.
We've wondered aloud if this whole baby thing was a colossal mistake.
We've compiled a list of our partner's features that we secretly hope the baby doesn't inherit.
We've been disappointed when the ultrasound revealed a girl or a boy because we wanted the other.
We've found that guilt trips are really the best and only way to get what we want.
We've screamed "YOU DID THIS TO ME" and we're not even in labor yet.
We're really worried that our babies will be ugly.
And who likes an ugly baby? Who?
We're worried that there's something wrong with our babies and it's all because of what we ate/drank/did/thought during pregnancy.
We're worried we won't love our babies.
We're worried our babies won't love us.
We're worried our boobs won't work.
We're worried we'll poop during labor and that our partner will see us poop during labor.
We're scared to death of postpartum depression.
When asked how we feel, we always say that we feel great, no matter how fucking miserable we are.
We've cried.
Over nothing.
Over everything.
And we've eaten a combined total of 438 pints of Ben & Jerry's.
Amy after you have the baby you'll have a new list of sins.
1.) This whole Mom thing is fucking hard!
2.) Sometimes I wish it could be like what it was like before we had the baby.
3.) Would someone take this baby before I go berserk?
4.) You want me to have sex with you when I have had a baby attached to my hip all damn day? Yes, I know the baby is asleep. Finally. Now leave me alone so I can____ (Fill in the blank).
I found that I was quite normal for feeling those things, even though I thought I must be the worse wife/mother on the planet.
That wingnut that posted the meanie email is a fucktard! :)
Hope you got my email yesterday, Amy, it was a tad bit more favorable I dare say!
First off: BOO to the hate-mailer. If someone wants to buy Babalah nice things, I say let em. ;)
And I can DEFINITELY admit to some (or more) of the items in the pregnancy sin list. Particularly the one about calling the baby a brat in utero. Maybe not THIS pregnancy as I'm only 14 weeks along and the child hasn't had a chance to be a brat yet (give him/her time). But I know I have in the past. Many times. Particularly when my first born LOVED to lodge one of his feet in my ribs and then kicked. Loved that. :P
The poop thing? Happened to me too. And in front of approximately 80 other people, including my husband. My kiddo was a month early, so there were extra people there for that, plus apparently whoever wandered by in the hallway popped in for a peek at my poop. Luckily, my husband didn't mention this embarrassing detail until months later (after the hormones had calmed down, of course. He's no fool.)
The worst hormonal meltdown I had was a few days after I gave birth. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it does take a while for the hormones to leave you in peace.) Due to the previously-mentioned early arrival of our daughter, our entire upstairs was still being painted and painters were traipsing through our house at all times, even after I came home from the hospital. One had the nerve - THE NERVE! - to clean his brush in my kitchen sink, leaving little paint droppings in the drain. I completely lost it and accused my husband (who hadn't even been home at the time) of trying to kill our baby (who, btw, was still in the hospital in the NICU at the time) with paint fumes, and just what kind of mother was I going to be with only half my brain left because the half the minimally was working had BEEN POISONED BY PAINT FUMES???
Our daughter is a perfectly normal 9 year old now. No residual brain damage from paint fumes that I can see. Her mom? Not so normal, but motherhood'll do that to ya, and at least I rarely accuse my DH of poisoning us anymore. :-)
Um, we don't need no hateration. How is that not clear to people?
Well, it's a good thing your web stalker never looked at Buffalo Bill's Blog, because not only does he have an Amazon wish list, but he KILLS PEOPLE with the things you buy him! Her. Whatever. Oh look, a little white yappy purse dog!
see, now I have to ask if my mom felt that way when she was pregnant with me. I should also apologize to her for what changes I caused.
Screw the hate mail. Who thinks like that? Other than Tom Cruise, I mean. Because fuck knows, hormones aren't a good enough reason to become crazy.
Firstly, haters: get lost, and back off Amalah. I'm a reader, I don't know Amy or Jason and I still often feel like I want to get them and Squishy something just because there is something beautiful and hopeful about a baby [not the pregnancy, anymore ;)].
Also, we're not even going to be trying to conceive for at least another year and I already told my husband I don't want them [the future kids]to have his eyes, they're kinda crooked! I'm such a bitch... but I'm glad other ladies are, too!
Diana, I'm really nice and am only writing this because I'm like Hermione, an insufferable know-it-all. Jackass is actually MTV's version of the CKY (camp kill yourself) movies that Bam and his friends made (his brother is in a kick-ass band with the same name). Bam owns all the rights to Jackass. Before he made a ton of money doing that and skateboarding his parents lived in a crap-ass trailer. Everything they own, the house, cars ect. Bam bought for them. And he is actually scared to death that Phil is going to have a heart attack and die because of his weight.
Thank you for speaking out about pregnancy. Why do people in this country perpetuate the myth that pregnant women should be unconditionally ecstatic about pregnancy and that those who aren't will necessarily be bad mothers? Pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable / painful! I recommend Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood.
Amalah,
I love your site! Just wanted to let you know that I clicked your link for "Woulda Coulda Shoulda" and I think it's misdirected. Just a heads up.
Begone "someone who used to care." You suck. All your base are belong to us.
Oh, and Duckie & Frema have it right. Chunky Monkey is the ULTIMATE B&J flavor. You must try it. Banana ice cream with walnuts and dark chocolate chunks. Yum.
And Amalah? Your Seekrits are safe with us. :)
Ok Missy.... Being Pregnant.... Yup, I thought all of those things too. Especially hoped that the baby wouldn't turn into an asshole like his father. Then after 5 minutes I would hope the baby would be just like his father because at THAT 5 minutes in time, I loved the man crazily.
I distrust women who always tell me how wonderful their lives are. In those cases, you listen to what they AREN'T saying that gives you more info...
And I don't know why people would get pissy over the ads or registry. So silly. Life is too short.
Ok Missy.... Being Pregnant.... Yup, I thought all of those things too. Especially hoped that the baby wouldn't turn into an asshole like his father. Then after 5 minutes I would hope the baby would be just like his father because at THAT 5 minutes in time, I loved the man crazily.
I distrust women who always tell me how wonderful their lives are. In those cases, you listen to what they AREN'T saying that gives you more info...
And I don't know why people would get pissy over the ads or registry. So silly. Life is too short.
That list is one of the funniest damn things I have read. Makes me wish I was pregnant instead of trying to get pregnant, just so I could bitch with you!
For the record, the best Ben and Jerry's Flavor is by far...the Oatmeal cookie with cinnamon. It is just too good for words.
And, what an asswipe, to get all bent out of shape over a registry listing. Sounds as though they are bitter.
What asshole messes with a pregnant woman -- someone who must be very sad. They should be pitied for being so pathetic.
Alright, I had to comment--y'all are a bunch of liars if you are trying to claim that any flavor of Ben and Jerry's but CHUBBY HUBBY is the best. I'm sorry, Amalah, I don't want to have to point out what bad people your readers are, but that's just blatantly WRONG to deny the clear superiority of Chubby Hubby. Chocolate.Covered.Peanut.Butter.Filled.Pretzels. Deny that, bitches!
Be sure you follow through on that blow job for painting the baby's room. If he paints the baby's room and you don't ahem "kneel", you won't get him to move the piano with the same promise.
OH and just so you know... Speaking of guilt... If you have the baby and don't feel the love, don't worry either. Apparently one of the wierd side effects of having an epidural is that sometimes it tends to "numb" your emotions. When I had my child, the only thing I could think was, "Oh my god, there really WAS a baby in there." And I remember thinking, "I could sign adoption papers right now, walk away, return to my normal life and wouldn't even feel sad. I probably wouldn't even look back." I felt really bad for it but over time, I started to love my little man. And if you end up experiencing that... It is perfectly normal too.
There's always this grand romantic view of love at first sight but that's not always the way it works. Don't freak.
OH and just so you know... Speaking of guilt... If you have the baby and don't feel the love, don't worry either. Apparently one of the wierd side effects of having an epidural is that sometimes it tends to "numb" your emotions. When I had my child, the only thing I could think was, "Oh my god, there really WAS a baby in there." And I remember thinking even as I left, "I could sign adoption papers right now, walk away, return to my normal life and wouldn't even feel sad. I probably wouldn't even look back." I felt really bad for it but over time, I started to love my little man. And if you end up experiencing that... It is perfectly normal too.
There's always this romantic talk of love at first sight but that's not always the way it works.
The blanket I made is actually crocheted, but thanks for the shout-out.
Clearly, there are more angry pregnant women than one might assume from watching television.
Glad I could be a happy email after one from such an asshat.
Okay, before there's some kind of Ben & Jerry's Smackdown over here, I am going on the record to say that yes, Chubby Hubby is delicious and all, but for a weepy pregnant woman there is nothing better than the current "limited batch" flavor called Chocolate Therapy.
Chocolate ice cream with chocolate-chocolate-chip cookie bits, and swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream. Holy God.
If it disappears from stores BEFORE September 28, there will be bloodshed, is all I'm saying.
You rock Amalah! I can SO relate to that pregnancy list... argh. I am always saying that, but being pregnant is getting HARD now and WHAT... we STILL have 2 months to go.
..and onthe topic of B&J, I gotta add my two cents. New York Super Fudge Chunk, heavenly...OH OH and for some strange reason I'm digging the coconut kind that you can't find in any store. What's up with that?
Screw that dumbass reader!
I was all debating whether I should send a present to the babalah but self-righteous bitch pushed me right into action! Seriously, the internet/blogging produces enough scary shit why complain about a nice thing, like a network of women wanting to celebrate with someone who makes them laugh.
hee! Sarah, you know Amalah only posted that letter so that people would respond by sending her gifts, right? She's so transparent! Good thing that woman can see right through it all..
And Amalah? Chocolate pudding ice cream? What now? That's LEGAL?? Don't come looking for it in Chicago--I'm going to buy every pint in the city and stockpile it. I've already single-handedly caused a Pudding Pop shortage at my grocery store..
When I see little donate buttons or wishlist links or whathaveyou on people's sites, I think of it as being like busking. Someone is putting themselves out there, creating for the masses, and what's so awful about throwing your hat down on the sidewalk? I gave money to a violinist downtown the other day. Should I have called him a greedy attention-whore instead?
Isn't it funny how the chickenshits always email instead of posting a comment?
Don't worry- I recently got some hate mail saying what a horrible wife I was and how lust is a deadly sin and I'm bound for hell because of a post on my blog saying John Taylor of Duran Duran was my Imaginary Blog Boyfriend. IMAGINARY.
And all the Mommy stuff, I said it all too and felt horrendously guilty about it. BUT... I am smart enough to know what kind of names my daughter will be calling me when she's 16, so I figure I'm allowed to think what I want.
I'm apparently a bad mom too. Email away, assholes! Leave Amalah alone- she's pregnant in a heat wave and cannot adequately defend herself.
OK, seriously? Did you know that pregnant women are in a super special protected class with respect to the tort of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? What that means is: YOU HAVE TO BE NICE to pregnant women, IT IS THE LAW! :)
"Be sure you follow through on that blow job for painting the baby's room. If he paints the baby's room and you don't ahem "kneel", you won't get him to move the piano with the same promise."
I think this was secretly posted by Jason.
I've been there with almost every single one of them. Excpet replace cat with random person at the store.
I'm there again with you. Amalah, I have my own and trust me, IT IS BAAAAAAAAAAAD. So bad I just don't share with the random internet so I don't get hate mail.
Think! At the end of this? You get a baby that walks around your house with your dirty sock in it's mouth!
Being pregnant sucks. And anyone who sends you hatemail saying the contrary obviously has severe emotional issues and needs to have another creature living off her in order to feel a shred of self worth.
Not that every woman who enjoys being pregnant (is there such a thing?) is a needy freak - just the ones that judge you for not being the same way.
Welcome to the world of motherhood, where you will be stared at and judged for the REST OF YOUR GODDAMNED LIFE on every single fucking decision that you make. Having a tough skin helps, but knowing how to throw a really good left hook seems to work the best....
You have no idea how much laughter you bring to my day. Your writing is superb. I just wanted to add that I spent all last week in Washington and I don't know how you people do it. The sweltering heat up there made me yearn for Florida. In July. I couldn't believe it. I don't know how you do it - pregnant, no less. But I'm sure your greediness and threats to others to supply you with a diaper genie and mobile can be attributed to the heat messing with your brain. Take care.
Hey Amy, if you get Maola ice cream up your way I strongly suggest you try a flavor called "Death by Chocolate". It's chocolate ice cream with bits of chocolate brownies, chocolate chunks and chocolate syrup. At least I think that's all, all I know is it's absolutely DIVINE!
The reason why everyone says that pregnancy is so great is because about 7 days after you give birth you start to totally forget how it was to be pregnant. I know, I know. At 20-odd weeks preggers I SWORE that I would remember every detail and I couldn't understand how my friends with babies didn't remember going through this. But now, almost 17 months later.. I swear I only remember how much I used to love to rub my belly and feel the baby kick.
I threw up for the 4 months and was on bed rest for hypertension the last 8 weeks and remember telling people how much I hated being pregnant, but I don't really remember how it felt. Obviously this is a little trick that nature plays on us to get us to get knocked-up again and cont. to propagate the human race.
The same phenomenon happens with the baby/toddler stage. And it prompts people like your mother in law to say things like "Oh, my babies NEVER threw a tantrum like that in public! I could take them anywhere and they were just perfect!"
Good lordy lord, when I wrote my response to the stupid hatemailer, I so DID NOT intend for people to rush out and start buying presents in defense of poor little put-upon me. Honest. Was just mad and cranky and OH MY GOD, IT'S 107 DEGREES OUTSIDE.
Oh! And I had my work shower yesterday and got many lovely, awesome things, including the almighty car seat and Pack N' Play. This is what happens when all your coworkers know you have a blog and want to stay on your good side lest you write about the cheap-ass shower gift they bought you.
So no more gifts required. I'd pull the registry link down but then, you know, the hatemailers would win.
Plus, I have really pretty thank-you notes to send out and I LOVE sending out really pretty thank-you notes.
(Can you tell I'd like to be writing an actual entry but stupid TypePad isn't working? So yadda yadda pudding ice cream blah blah blah.)
what an asshat!
because you should be totally spending every penny you have and every second of the day devoted to your unborn child.
you're doing a great thing by letting women know the truth about pregnancy. how many of us, including myself, had no idea what the real woman endures. and that it's normal and that's it's okay to express these emotions. so there.. rock on!
Someone who used to care,
So what? Go away.
Shiz
Pregnancy is a strange thing and at the same time it is one of the most natural things in the world. No wonder that poor mom's head, overflown wiht various hormones results in strange/quite normal thoughts, right?
I myself enjoyed being pregnant, despite the throw ups, but I can feel those people's pain who are not totally happy about their condition.
You're lovely. You really are, and don't let any idiot tell you otherwise.
Think how many Mums-to-be are reading and have just thought to themselves 'oh my GOD I'm so glad someone articulated that and it's not just me and I also feel a little bit like I need some Ben and Jerry's and now I KNOW that's ALRIGHT' and other stuff too.
I am not pregnant, but I was still warmed by that post.
Well, Dove now has the ice cream out with the chocolate ganache on top. Because damn, a pint with carmel swirls isn't enough.
plus, i see no reason why you can't put up a wish list, so the whole world can see how very selfish you are.
;x
Oooh...you got your pack-n-play...WEE! Those things are so cool! Good for your coworkers. I only work with four men in my office and two of them have hours cut back like I do, so I'm doubting I'll get a "work shower"
So I'm going to post a link to a gift registry so I can be a materialistic spoiled brat too!
Wow, you have a lot of readers! I love your posts. I am expecting myself, and it's nice to know people are actually honestly having the same thoughts and feelings I am. I pooped on the table last time to my undying embarrasment. But they tell me the nurse scooped it away before anyone could even tell what it was. Plus, you have other things to worry about than taking a crap!!
Amy, you kick ass. Thanks for being so honest. All of us need to bitch sometimes about our perfectly good lives, whether we're pregnant or not.
Okay, I came back to read the additional comments AFTER I defied the hate and visited your registry. But...I did get you practical things.
God, I'm turing into my grandmother. Next I'll be buying you socks and underwear for Christmas...
Sit down, lift belly, pee. It works great. Did someone already tell u this? sorry, no time to read through your volumes of fan mail.
have fun, hon.
Wacky Mommy
Welcome to the world of Blogging As a Parent, in which certain lovely people will throw unsolicited advice at you and call you an asshole if you you do anything that they, in their infinite wisdom, deem un-Perfect-Motherly. Yaaaaaaay.
Screw the haters in the ear and keep on rocking.
OK, have been on vacation, so I know this post is way late and no one will care, but am catching up on all the Amalahs since I left. And I won't offer any ass-comments-vice about the 'list' as it has been thoroughly covered above.
But I had to confess, in a public forum, that I am obsessed with Celebrity Fit Club. Who are these people? Has everyone in America been on TV now except for me? And what is with the Snapple Lady? Isn't it kind of a bad sign to be on Celebrity Fit Club TWICE? Isn't that some sort of indicator that it does NOT work? And Harvey? The poor man's answer to Billy Blanks?
I could go on. I won't . I told you I was obsessed. There's nothing else on at bedtime on Sunday except news and who the hell? wants to watch that depressing shit.