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September 2005

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

But first, a few questions that cropped up from Friday's post about the Big Fancy Photo Shoot: Q) Come on! Post the Polaroid! A) No. Am not allowed. It technically belongs to the magazine and they've told me not to post it, so I won't, for I am Obedient and Good. Q) Will you scan or link to the article when it comes out? A) I will be allowed to scan the article, but not until the magazine is off newstands (late October). The Washingtonian's website doesn't offer the current issue's contents online, and I'm not sure if they even archive fluffy little articles like this one after the next issue comes out. So basically -- I will let everyone know when the issue is available, but non-locals will have to wait a few weeks before I can scan it or (possibly) link to it. In other words: chill out, I'll do the best I can. Q) Fuck this photo shoot noise. WHAT DID YOU BUY AT SEPHORA? A) My apologies for leaving out this scintillating piece of information. This is everything I used. From the top: Marc Jacobs perfume (because smelling good totally makes you more photogenic), Sephora volumizing... Read more →

IKEA Jones and the Dresser of Doom

Three IKEA trips in three days = A very bad three days. Now let me just state for the record that I love IKEA. So much. I love the Swedish designs and the low prices and the product names like BJÖRKENTOPES and the big flat boxes. I love how adorable everything looks in the catalog and I love the promise that if I just buy that set of baskets and that particle-board cubby-thing my organization problems will be solved forever. And I love the meatballs. Yet I'm beginning to realize that IKEA is not very good to me. The store is far away, crazy and crowded. By the time you get to the lighting section you realize that every couple in the store is having a nervous breakdown and/or screaming match and suddening you are yelling at your significant other too because IKEA doesn't have the lamp you wanted but BY GOD WE ARE LEAVING THIS STORE WITH A LAMP SO JUST PICK OUT A LAMP THEY DO HAVE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. And by the time you get to the self-service warehouse to find the four boxes that comprise the ZRÅDALEKTOP shelving unit and find that they are... Read more →

So Not Ready For My Close-Up

Once upon a time, when my belly was small and my belly button was not visible through my clothes, I was interviewed by an Actual Media Professional for an Actual Media Publication. I know I said a lot of boring, stupid things, but apparently, they've decided to run the article anyway. (It's gotten bumped several times because, well, it's an article about some dumb girl and her blog. "Filler," as I believe the Actual Media Professionals would call it.) Accompanying the article will be a full-page color photo. Of me. THE VERY VERY PREGNANT ME. The photo shoot was yesterday, which is why I didn't post anything. Because anything I posted would have been stuff like this: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ACK! PANIC! WHAT SHOULD I WEAR, INTERNET? WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? I HATE MY HAIR. HAAAATE. I HAVE NO NICE LIPGLOSS. WHY DO I HAVE SUCH CRAPPY LIPGLOSS? GOD LORD IN HEAVEN, I AM SO HUGE AND NONE OF THE CUTE MATERNITY STUFF FITS YOU WHEN YOU ARE THIS HUGE EXCEPT FOR THINGS THAT SHOW OFF MY ARMS AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO SHOW MY PREGNANT ARMS IN THE PAGES OF THE WASHINGTONIAN BECAUSE PEOPLE I HATE ARE... Read more →

Reassure Me All You Want, There's No Denying That All This Nursery Talk Must End NOW

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown will not be seen today, so that we may continue our round-the-clock coverage of NurseryWatch 2005. (What? You people DEMANDED photos! Who am I to deny the will of the people? Especially when the will of the people calls for a photo essay that's a million times easier to churn out than an advice column.) First up, Hangergate! It's not trash, it's ART, sweetie darlings. My husband is an avant-garde genius. And now, the crib! Hello! I am a crib. And...well, I don't do very much except sit here and look cribbish. I would like to take a moment and defend the absolute boringness of the nursery walls. My mother-in-law will be doing all the actual decorating and fancy painting in a few weeks. Rumor has it there will be an oak tree that canopies across the ceiling and lots of woodland creatures like bunnies and turtles and things. In the meantime: blaaaaah. The bedding set. So lovely, so soft, so coordinated. I am currently sleeping on shrunken sheets that have multiple holes from the cat's claws and a big ink stain from that time I fell asleep while trying to write about a dream I'd... Read more →

The Carousel of Progress!

Hello! No, I have not gone into labor or run off to Vegas on a Greyhound bus. I'm just really tired of writing about my goddamn nursery. But that's all I have to talk about, because that's ALL I DO AND THINK ABOUT AND ALSO DO. Nurserynursery nestnestnest. See? You're bored already. I can tell. But boring or not, this is where we stand: Crib: Assembled, despite missing instructions. We are smart and handy, although there are an awful lot of screws left over. The crib is outfitted with a heartbreakingly pretty bedding set that my brother sent us -- a bedding set so extravagant that when Jason zapped it with the registry scanner thing at the store we both sort of laughed at the mere IDEA of anyone actually buying it for us because NO ONE loves us that much. But shockingly enough, my big brother does and I'm so glad, because we probably would have waited another three weeks to assemble the damn crib if we hadn't both been foaming at the mouth in anticipation of seeing the bedding set in action. Thank-You Notes: Horrifically behind. Have not even acknowledged receipt of bedding set to brother via phone... Read more →

The Week in Pictures

Actually, just one picture sums it up nicely: See? Crumbs? Of Cake? Because my week was...(wait for it)...CRUMMY? GEDDIT? (Oh my God, I'm so sorry for that.) So let's see. Where to begin? Mom update? Check. She's doing good. Really, really good. Like buying baby clothes on the Internet good. She's meeting with a breast cancer counselor next week who will help with a prothesis and she's found a little store where they actually sell NICE bras for masectomy patients. (The women in my family, we enjoy our lacy underthings, which is why I have yet to buy an actual nursing or maternity bra and will probably still be wearing some cleavage-enhancing lacy thing when I go into labor.) Baby furniture? Check. We chose some very nice solid oak furniture, which happened to be the heaviest furniture in the entire store. And possibly on the east coast. We live on the third floor, and we are never moving again. We haven't attempted to assemble the crib yet, but we did inspect the two pieces that came assembled (a crazy concept, as we are only recently learning that you can buy furniture from places other than IKEA and there are no... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

The Day Thus Far: Baby furniture is here! Remembered the $70 CASH at 6 am this morning, took Ceiba on a detour during her morning walk to ATM, reaffirming my love of city living despite small condo and lots of stairs because having an ATM a block from your house is just so beautiful. Contractors are here! And making a godawful racket. I'm so sorry, neighbors-who-smell-like-cats. And also sorry to your cats, who are probably freaking the righteous fuck out, like mine. If it makes you feel any better, my darling cat dug his claws into my belly while I was attempting to corral him into the baby's room when I left for my doctor's appointment. I didn't realize the damage he'd done until I got to the office and the nurse shrieked at the site of my bloodied t-shirt. Or maybe it was the sweaty pit stains, because CHRIST, it's hot. The baby has dropped! But is measuring completely average and is not huge! But again! He's dropped! At 34 weeks! This seems early to me, as the whole "baby dropping into the pelvis" thing always seems to get mentioned in the same conversation as "and then I went... Read more →


Momalah Update #1 (left as a comment yesterday, but HA, like anyone other than me was going to slog through all those comments and find it): Thanks everybody -- I just got off the phone with my dad, and my mom is out of surgery. Very, very sick from the anesthesia, but is at least in a private room. I'm going to call her later tonight. The doctor said the surgery went "okay." Over-analyze that as you see fit. (And the cake is from Balducci's, and seriously, I have eaten four pieces today.) Momalah Update #2: I called her last night around 8 p.m., and she sounded, well, "okay." Very tired, very sore, very much still throwing up from the anesthesia and pain medication (a fairly normal reaction for her, but still draining and NOT HELPING THINGS). She had it together enough to send my dad home so he wouldn't have to drive in the dark, and she wanted to know how the baby was doing and laughed when I complained that he'd been hiccupping for the past hour and taking out his frustration with the hiccups on my ribcage. And then she asked if Diana (who'd encountered car problems... Read more →

Of Cake and Coping

Today is my mom's surgery. I'm working from home today and trying not to think about it too much. I ate leftover cake from my baby shower for breakfast. Which was wonderful, by the way, and the cake was nicer than my wedding cake, and looked like this: Unbelievable, right? Way too pretty to eat. Somehow, I have managed. (Come and get it, flour beetles! You miserable little shits.) I have completely amazing friends. Friends who went out of their way to make me feel spoiled and pampered and stuffed to the gills with mind-blowing chocolate cake. (It takes three people to plan a shower for someone like me, apparently.) (Also, hello and welcome to the Supersized Amalah! Good lord.) We picked a really, really bad weekend for the shower, as about 75% of the guest list couldn't attend for various important and not-made-up reasons, I swear. But it didn't matter at all, because everybody who was there -- and even people who couldn't be there but took the time to make sure there was a gift or card or a message on my phone (one person called just to sing me a little "I'm so sad I'm not at... Read more →

The Belly: Bigger Than A Breadbox

BUT FIRST... Behold! Furniture! Constructed using my own two hands! And a hex key! Also a cordless drill because WHO ARE THEY KIDDING WITH THAT HEX KEY SHIT? I only assembled one side sort of upside down, which I discovered after putting everything else together, so meh, it's staying like that. And after looking at this picture I see that I didn't do such a great job snapping that one side together because there's a gap. A gap that will surely lure small fingers in and then mysteriously close itself up around them, like an evil, possessed toy box portal from hell, which would make a really cool horror movie now that I think about it, but instead I'm just going to give the left side a few swift kicks when I get home to properly close up that gap. By the way, the box? Is already near overflowing with toys. I have no crib or changing table or even a decent supply of diapers, but Lord, this child has about four frillion toys. All of which are promising to thrill, delight and stimulate him and have him solving complex math problems by the age of six months. AND NOW...... Read more →