Reassure Me All You Want, There's No Denying That All This Nursery Talk Must End NOW
August 24, 2005
The Wednesday Advice Smackdown will not be seen today, so that we may continue our round-the-clock coverage of NurseryWatch 2005.
(What? You people DEMANDED photos! Who am I to deny the will of the people? Especially when the will of the people calls for a photo essay that's a million times easier to churn out than an advice column.)
First up, Hangergate!
It's not trash, it's ART, sweetie darlings. My husband is an avant-garde genius.
And now, the crib!
Hello! I am a crib. And...well, I don't do very much except sit here and look cribbish.
I would like to take a moment and defend the absolute boringness of the nursery walls. My mother-in-law will be doing all the actual decorating and fancy painting in a few weeks. Rumor has it there will be an oak tree that canopies across the ceiling and lots of woodland creatures like bunnies and turtles and things. In the meantime: blaaaaah.
The bedding set. So lovely, so soft, so coordinated.
I am currently sleeping on shrunken sheets that have multiple holes from the cat's claws and a big ink stain from that time I fell asleep while trying to write about a dream I'd just had and dropped the pen. When I woke up there was ink everywhere and the only thing I'd written legibly said FAT HOT HAM.
That was the first and last time I ever attempted to keep a dream journal.
Chifferobe. Closet door. Reflection of crib in closet door. Vacuum. Pile of junk that I just kept moving across the room in an attempt to make the room look cleaner and less cluttered for the Internet, because I want to impress you.
Then I gave up, because there's just no hiding all the junk and clutter and various baby-killing things still lurking in this corner. Including:
A. The blanket from Bethiclaus, which is neither junk nor baby-killing.
B. An exposed cable wire running upstairs, perfect for baby to learn rudimentary noose-making skills!
C. Lots more wires from our print server, wireless router and cable modem. Great for simulating boot camp obstacle courses!
D. A nursing stool from Miss Doxie. I did not know there were stools made expressly for nursing purposes, but I knew I had to have one. Now I do! Pretty!
E. IKEA drawer unit full of junk. Possibly some pens and envelopes.
F. Candles, wood putty, screws and sharp pointy sticks. I think these can stay right where they are.
G. Printer, which presents an even greater relocation challenge than the ironing board.
Also pictured: Ceiba, sitting on an antique rocker from my own infancy, where she is not supposed to sit, because I was totally intending on keeping my nursery pet hair free.
HA.
The changing table! Now with new-and-improved non-funky-hanging door!
Please note that the diaper stacker matches the bedding set. I would like everybody to note this because I have a feeling it's going to go COMPLETELY UNNOTICED by my son. Kids really have no appreciation for little touches like that.
The basket on top of the dresser was actually part of the packaging for the bedding set. I reused it because I'm clever. I'm sure no one else on the planet would have ever thought of that.
The closet! With wee little clothes, all with wee little tags still attached.
Also pictured: the infamous diaper bag, for which I have gotten more crap and hate mail than any other entry combined. (It's dry clean only! You're stupid! It's expensive! You're a brat! YOU DO REALIZE THAT BABIES POOP AND SPIT UP, DON'T YOU? DOOOON'T YOU? Your pretty bag will be RUINED AND I WILL BE GLAD, BECAUSE I TOLD YOU SO, YOU STUPID BRAT GIRL.)
(Dear Internet: you're just jelus, bitchez.)
Oh, and the iron. We hung the ironing board behind the door (we don't have any full-sized doors in the loft upstairs) using one of these thingies, but our iron is too narrow or something and keeps falling out. So there it stays, where it plots to singe that uppity bitch of a diaper bag.
And...that's kind of it. The most boring photo essay ever. It's hard to be snarky about furniture.
But lest you get too proud of us and all our glorious sort-of progress, I'll leave you with a shot from our living room.
If I go into labor and we need to get out the front door in a hurry? We're doomed.
P.S. One request, folks. Let's try to keep the comments assvice-free, k? Like, I know not to leave toys and blankets in the baby's crib when he's in there. I know that I need to get rid of the wires and the toxins and the whatnot in the corner. And I would rather NOT discuss my reasons for choosing a particular breast pump over another with the entire Internet. And I even know about Dreft! I have a mom who tells me things! I know you mean well and all, but when the unsolicited advice just keeps pouring in I kind of feel like y'all must think I am a giant dumbass. Besides, if you don't let me have the occasional parental fuck-up, what in sam hill am I going to write about?
I love that beautiful rocker! How wonderful to have an heirloom like that!
I wonder how long it will be before you find a doggie or kitty in the diaper stacker?
Exactly. You're not a good parent unless you make some mistakes. That's a beatiful looking crib.
No advice, but let me say that I think it's a damn fine idea to leave the little tags on most of the wee little clothes. Even if you're just doing it for neurotic purposes, it'll work out for you in the end -- the Babalah will probably grow at such an alarming rate (if he's at all like my kids were) that he will have outgrown half of the 0-3 month clothes before you even have a chance to dress him in them. This way, you can return them if you need to! And buy yourself a mink diaper bag. (Which I totally think you deserve.) ;)
Are my eyes deceiving me or is the boppy thingy also the same color as the changing table pad and crib stuff? I just had to point it out because your son is likely not to notice that detail either.
Excellent color choice, Mom!
The nursery looks so cute - what. a. nice. crib! I swear its nicer than my own bed. And for the record, I LOVE the diaper bag. I don't care what any smack-talking internerd says. You are gonna be one yummy mummy.
I have to find the irony in that there are only a handful of comments when you tell everyone no assvice, I suppose it's early yet. I adore you nusery, and your diaper bag and the color of your living room walls.
C - I know! I have rendered the masses speechless! They're all, "Must...tell...Amalah...SIDS...
statistics...does...not...compute."
Oh my God - look at how cute you are. Thanks for giving us a look at the hangers. And all that baby stuff, too. How anybody could think that you wouldn't buy a beautiful and wondrousmous diaper bag is beyond me.
Diaper bags...I choose one from another pricey diaper bag maker that is so FABULOUS...and all my girlfriends are giving me such crap I am completely STUNNED. And one of them is a "purse person", I thought she'd understand!
Whee! A 'new' journal (to me)! About a baby! Not that I'm obsessed with new motherhood or anything. I thought *I* was going to paint murals on my son's walls... he's six months old now and we are no closer to murals. Can I borrow your mother in law when you're done with her?
I am so jealous of your beautiful diaper bag. To all others - BAH - who cares what they think. My son spit up over EVERYTHING except our diaper bag.
I like to keep knives in my crib. Makes naptime a little more exciting, in my opinion.
Holy crap! How can one be so tiny and yet so big at the same time! Since there is a picture of you in this one, I can say, seriously, beotch! You are still so adorable prengant! Let me just say one thing about the diaper bag...it's gorgeous and has some EXCELLENT baby features on it! The baby is going to poop in a diaper or on his clothes and is going to spit up on his clothes, on you, or on a bib. It's not like the diaper bag doubles as a damn toilet that the baby will run to as soon as he feels the need to puck! Good gosh! I can't believe people actually say that! I've only been reading for a couple of weeks and can already say if you got any old diaper bag, I would have been VERY disappointed in you, young lady! Amen.
Well, the dangerous wires, vicious dog and precarious iron perching in the closet ready to pounce are obvious items for assvice fodder. BUT, did you know that you are not to eat sushi, shellfish and soft cheese, right??????
Love the nursery. Fully appreciate the matching, solid-wood furniture (mine is full of painted-to-match ex-college crap, and my sister STILL called me a yuppie because I painted it all white). Oh, am so jealous of the furniture.
Ignore the Dreft. It is a shameless marketing scheme. Just wash it first before putting it on baby in whatever the rest of the fam uses, like what's on sale at Costco.
awww. yay baby stuff.
i want a baby now :( lol
but not really, because well.. herm.. no, not yet.
Hey, Sarcastic, that's a great idea!
Personally I let my kids sleep in the oven. Then I don't have to worry about them messing up the crib. ;)
I suppose a Wednesday Assvice Smackdown is better than no Smackdown at all.
Also, great looking stuff. :)
I was torn between tasteless assvice options, so I share both:
OMG I CAN"T BLEVE YOU HAVE WIRE HANFERS IN YOUR NURSERY YOU COULD HAVE AN ABRTION BY ACCIDENTS !!!11!!!
and
We're gonna see how many wire hangers you've got in your closet. Wire hangers, why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers.
I have no kids and don't want any. I just like reading you because you are hilarious. Never in my life did I think I would be so Compelled!to! Look!at!Someone's!Nursery!
"Must...tell...Amalah...SIDS...
statistics...does...not...compute."
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Hilary beat me to it...exactly! Babies don't throw up or make a mess of diaper bags unless you just happen to be holding them directly over the diaper bag at the time...possible? Sure! Likely...hell no! I also agree that if you got anything less than a designer ANYTHING I would be disappointed. This is a great time, you can do what you do and buy (like that incredible nursry furniture) what you buy and that's a FANTASTIC thing! And your photo?? Yeah, you've changed, but damn!! you're still so bloody cute! It suits you. Now pass the ice cream, cake and the whatnot.
Ginger, while I hate to drag out the oldest Internet message board cliche in the book, you totally owe me a new keyboard, because HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I am currently feeling really, really bad about the fact that my baby's closet is filled with shoes, and not adorable organizer thingies. Um, MY shoes. Shoes that do not even FIT my GIANT BLUBBER FEET.
Also, Ginger? That was awesome.
My nephew has never spit up nor pooped in/on his diaper bag, probably because my brother and his wife do not keep him in said diaper bag--or because it was from Wal-Mart and cost approximately 65 cents. Or maybe that's just him.
He's awful cute, though.
And also, your belly is adorable, and I totally share the wire-hanger hatred.
Oh my god Amy! Im worried you might fall over! You really ARE carrying 100% in the front! Good Lord! How do you stay standing up? Cute though.
Kick-Ass nursery, seriously.
and I am jealous your so pregnant skinny!
Congrads on getting the nursery done!
So, now I'm in love with Amalah AND Ginger. Hanfers. Hee.
Once I became a mom I would tell my husband, "Its cold outside, so you need to wear a jacket" and other assorted stupid things. He's a grown man! The assvice from others is probably because they are moms. And once you become a mom it is hard to turn "it" on and off like a switch. I know. My hubby bitches about it all of the time. heehee.
But you look so cute. You are going to be one of those moms wearing normal clothes within a week of giving birth. I am jealous.
Here is a picture of our crib..in case the internet gets bored and wants to hate me today..
http://www.flickr.com/photos/94111255@N00/36601262/
sorry couldn't get the html to work...typical
Have you people not read what Amalah has gone through to get to this point? Do you really think she would just up and let her precious Babalah play with wire hangers/sharp pointy sticks? Hello!?!
Leave the cute pregnant lady and her cute baby bag alone!!!
fat hot ham
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The wire hangers! Holy cow! What the frack are you going to do with them?
And "HOT FAT HAM"? I just snorted like a pig when I read that. Co-workers are staring at me. Must go.
Hmmm. How to decide what's advice and what's just commenting on schtuff? While reading delightful photo essay, including unbelievable photo of Woman With Pregnant Belly Who Somehow Managed Not to Gain Weight Anywhere Else Except Boobs Lucky Bitch, I thought I would say: What a good idea to let Ceiba and Max around the nursery! Babalah will have awesome immunity and no pet allergies!
Now? Am scared. Am not meaning that you don't already know this. Am just...sayin'...you know, "neat."
Amy, Out here in LA LA land, EVERYONE carries that diaper bag. Which just proves you are oh so stylish and cool. SO TAKE THAT HATERS! ;)
Good grief! I not sure why people feel a washable diaper bag is so important. (Nor do I get why they feel the need to give you grief about it.) It has been two years and mine has never been cleaned in any way, shape or form. It hasn't needed it. It isn't like the kids are reclining on it or anything. Your room looks adorable. Enjoy all the folding and whatnot. It's such fun, don't let anyone spoil it!
Real Girl - if your comment includes any reference to how awesome or smart I am, it's not assvice.
Ugh -- I think I am one of those mothers who have a hard time not giving advice. IT IS HARD! Especially when I feel like I have just made some of the stupidest mistakes and crazy oversights of my life these past six months with my baby. It truly comes from a desire to steer others clear of the same craziness. However, I will try to hold back. Hopefully it did not come across as assvice but if it did I am sorry. You are wise and pretty and are clearly doing an amazing job already.
Also: Hot Fat Ham? Keeps cracking me up every time I think about that part of this entry. You are v. funny.
A photo essay just wouldn't be complete with Ceiba. I actually find myself looking for the photo with her in it first and then going back and reading the rest of the post.
That dog always makes me laugh with her poses.
Hottie. Swooshy hair hottie.
Also? Just rolling my eyes now that I see what you posted thirty seconds before I posted my comment. Now the internets will think I am just a false flatterer. Rest assured that it is not so.
I love the diaper bag and I hope then when I have kids, Coach will come out with a diaper bag and then the hate will come off of you and on to me. Because every mother needs a designer diaper bag!!! So all you people just lay off of amalah!
So I was totally fine through the whole photo essay until I saw the closet and then all I could think was "holy shit, she's bringing a baby home!" Isn't that silly? It wasn't real to me until I saw the little outfits hanging so cutely on the hangers. Then it hit me.
Love Beth's blanket! And the bedding! And that top you are wearing in the picture! Very cute!! And you did get big boobs! What was all this talk of no boobs?
Um, assvice: TOTALLY give up on keeping the wee hairy creatures away from the wee, not-so-hairy one's room. You know as soon as you try, they will be interested in nothing else. Besides, somewhere, I guarantee you that there are studies that show that children who grow up with pets are kinder, more social, and less prone to allergies. So, see, Ceiba and Max? Good for babalah! That just means you're even better prepared to mother.
And your nursery? Cute. And that's good, because I'm with the group wondering how you still balance!
I cannot get over how fantastic you look! :D
The nursery furniture looks fabulous, and Ceiba looks so cute sitting so delicately and certainly not shedding even a little on the beautiful chair.
I love the cute little baby Pooh mobile.
Fuck assvice, that crib is so delicious it needs to be licked. The only thing more beautiful than the crib will be the crib with the Babalah actually IN it.
That hair! Looking so much more healthy and luxurious since the last time I stopped by the old workplace. It's oddly familiar, but...but...from where?
Oh, right.
Okay, I'll go stand in my corner now...
I saw a bag like that and wanted it really REALLY badly, but for some reason Mark said I could only have it if we have another baby. I can't see any reason why I can't have it now. Love the look on your oh so pretty face in the hanger picture. That's the same face I would make if I found a tangled wad of wire hangers being horded by Mark.
The whole room is perfect, just perfect!
Are you having a boring day at work Amalah? You have lots of comments today! Or is it just that you are having a BABY and really who cares about stupid things like work. Only paychecks to buy baby things with.....
WHO could possibly not like that diaper bag? I don't even have kids and now I want one JUST SO i CAN HAVE THAT DIAPER BAG. Love the furniture too, it's beautiful!
I love your diaper bag. My friend is buying one too, (after seeing it here, you are such a trend-setter). I'm jealous of you both, but not in a bitchy way. You and the baby deserve all the cool trendy things you can afford.
BTW, that nursing stool is a comfortable place to rest your feet even if you're bottle feeding.
Yes, I was an evil bottle-feeder of 3 deprived children.