Reassure Me All You Want, There's No Denying That All This Nursery Talk Must End NOW
IKEA Jones and the Dresser of Doom

So Not Ready For My Close-Up

Once upon a time, when my belly was small and my belly button was not visible through my clothes, I was interviewed by an Actual Media Professional for an Actual Media Publication.

I know I said a lot of boring, stupid things, but apparently, they've decided to run the article anyway. (It's gotten bumped several times because, well, it's an article about some dumb girl and her blog. "Filler," as I believe the Actual Media Professionals would call it.)

Accompanying the article will be a full-page color photo. Of me.


The photo shoot was yesterday, which is why I didn't post anything. Because anything I posted would have been stuff like this:








So I spared you my freak out. You're welcome.

(Poor Miss Zoot, however, may never recover from my badgering her with whether or not I should go buy a new outfit despite 1) the fact that I will only be able to wear it for like, four more weeks, 2) the fact that NOTHING for the third trimester is attractive, no matter how many hundreds of dollars you spend, and 3) the fact that I tend to need to wear something a couple times before I decide if I like it so a photo shoot seems like a bad time to be messing with New Experimental Outfits.)

Anyway, I opted not to buy new clothes, but I did make an emergency trip to Sephora where I equally terrorized and thrilled a smiling young salesgirl with my hysterical tale of I HAVE TO DO MY OWN HAIR AND MAKEUP AND I HATE EVERYTHING PLEASE TAKE THIS BASKET AND FILL IT WITH EXPENSIVE THINGS YOU THINK I NEED.

She obliged and picked out all sorts of new shiny makeup for me and I did very little except nod and hand over my credit card.

Although I was temporarily stunned out of panic mode when she complimented my "beautiful skin tone." Y'all, I have been buying makeup since I was 13 years old, and never in my entire life have I ever been told I have a beautiful skin tone. "Uneven," "blotchy" and "pothole-sized pore-pocked," yes. "Beautiful," hell to the no. Thank you, pregnancy, (she says grudgingly).

So then I went home and tried on every article of clothing I own, including pre-pregnancy clothes that I thought might be low-waisted enough to avoid The Belly, but lo, I could not even get them past my thighs. This was very much JUST WHAT I NEEDED AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, THIGH FAT ISSUES.

I ended up in jeans and a brown t-shirt. This is a look known as, "I have officially given up."

Then I spent ages on my hair and makeup and lamented not being together enough to get a haircut or a professional blow-out because my god, THE FRIZZ and the BLAHNESS.

Then I walked out to the living room to find Ceiba eating a roach trap.

I'm such a rockstar, y'all. I cannot believe I am not on the cover of Vogue this very minute.

So again, more panic, because SHE ATE A ROACH TRAP.

Is she dying? Foaming at the mouth? Should I feed her Ipecac? Stick my finger down her throat? Should I call the vet? Call the photographer? Or just call Jason and cry and ruin my pretty new eye makeup?

In the end, I just stared really hard at her for awhile and decided that she mostly ate the crunchy plastic shell of the trap and didn't seem to eat that much of the tempting, poisonous mush inside. Or maybe I just chose to believe this because I am a Bad Person who didn't want to cancel her photo shoot.

(What happens when my baby eats a roach trap? WHAT THEN, INTERNET?)

Blah blah photographer showed up, we trekked to a nearby park where I could pose with "attitude," which meant no smiling and lots of head tilts and hands placed defiantly on what used to be my hips.

He thought everything looked cool and awesome. I just begged him to tell me if my hair looked like crap.

Behind the photographer was a road, and of course, on this road, were cars. And every car stopped to stare at us and I could see the windows going down and the car occupants debating whether or not I was Somebody.

I only barely refrained from shouting, "I'm Britney Spears, y'all!" Mostly because that would have broken the spell of my intense attitude.

And then we were done. He gave me a Polaroid he'd snapped to check the lighting, and while I do look very well lit, my hair indeed looks like crap and my expression is kind of "Whaaa?"

I have a creeping feeling that the actual photos are going to be variations on that theme. And damn, I will never make fun of ugly pregnant photos of Britney Spears again, because this rockstar shit is HARD.

(That last sentence is a lie and we all know it.)




You looked so cute in your photo yesterday, I'm sure you'll look great in the magazine, too!

Ms Meh

I am sure you looked fab-ooooh, but nobody blames you for sweattin' it (because we all would, no matter how rock-starish we were). Keep us posted when it comes out so we can read it! (And tell you how pretty you look!)

Real Girl

Girl, you always look good in photos. Do not sweat it. You are also a tiny pregnant person (you know, except for the belly), so the women you hate will be looking at you in disgust because they were fifty lbs. heavier than you when *they* were preggers. And they still had pockmarked skin and really old makeup.

My author photo? It's going to be the same photo I use on Real Girl Beauty. The one I made Real Boy take in my bathroom because Ooh! Great hair day! Am I wearing foundation? Nope. Just bronzer and mascara. In my *author photo*. Rock Star Novelist I am not. By which I mean--the background in my photo? Yeah, that's my shower curtain.


See, that's what kills me. The photo I posted yesterday was taken over the weekend, on a day when I did NOTHING but clean the bathroom and declare war on the wire hangers. So of course, it was a Good Hair Day.

Yesterday? Not so much with the Good Hair.

I showed Jason the Polaroid and he just kind of raised one eyebrow and went, "Okaaaay." THANKS BABY! YOU LOOK HOT TOO!


Tell Jason that NOW is the time for the lying to begin. We just want compliments from now on.

You look fabu in all your pictures, I am sure you look gorgeous in these and all the people you hate will hate you back : )


ok your arms are oh so skinny. so not to worry and i have never seen a bad photo of you on here so fear not as i'm sure you will look fantastic, beautiful and the envy of every pregnant woman out there who will shout "damn it why can't i look like that!"


I can't even begin to count the number of breakdowns I've had while pregnant due to bad hair days. I think my husband seriously debated shaving my head in my sleep so he wouldn't have to hear any more of my crap. There was one day though (one! In my entire 18 months of pregnant experience, just one!) where I had a GOOD hair day and I made him take me on a date even though we hadn't planned on it at all. My friends, the Good Hair Days must not be wasted.


I'm so proud. And now I'm going to have to find someone who will ship me a copy of the Washingtonian, so I can point out and say " I read her when..."


Ha! Amalah, you crack me up--you always look muy fantastico in ALL your pictures, so I'm sure you look petitely, pregnantly adorable in the ones from the photo shoot. And don't sweat it--when I first saw the casual pics taken at my wedding, I almost cried b/c they were so horrible. I figured there was no way the photographer could have done any better because I just looked too rancid. Got the pictures back? And loved them. Professional photographers, with professional fancy cameras, can catch the best shots. I'm wishing I had a subscription to the Washingtonian...must find a store in Chicago that sells it... You promise to tell us when your celebritydom hits the newsstands, right?


But...the big question is...what makeup did you buy at Sephora??


Ooooh! Which issue will it be in?


Amalah, you look ten times better than me and I am not even pregnant. (I just look like I am.) I'm sure your photos look bee-yoo-tee-full!

Strangely enough, I also seem to look the best at the most inopportune times, like when I can't go out and show off. Sigh...


Don't feed your baby roach traps. Ant traps ONLY.

I'm sure you looked fabulous in your photos, because from what I've seen you always look fabulous. I look like crap compared to you, and I'm not even pregnant.


When your kid eats a roach trap, it'll be fine. You'll just "...decide that [Squishy] mostly ate the crunchy plastic shell of the trap and didn't seem to eat that much of the tempting, poisonous mush inside."

I mean, it sounded like a good course of action to me.


Your use of FAT HOT HAM pleases me.


that's it. i wanna be interviews. i know the host of a local morning news entertainment free for all type-o-show so you'd think i'd be all over the media, right? dammit. why am i not being interviewed? somebody interview me! only, no pics, cuz i don't have expensive make up and i look like a sleep deprived homeless woman.

i'm sure YOU looked great though because all pregnant women look great. especially little tiny pretty ones.


If you hated me and I saw a picture of you looking as skinny as you are a MONTH before your due date, I would TOTALLY hate you back! I already do hate you b/c you are so adorable! People will be so jealous that you are so skinny and aren't going to give a rats ass what your hair looks like! Sorry, might be getting assvice-ish. Please, either scan the photo you have already and/or scan the actual article and/or post a link when it comes out. Something so us non-Washington-area people can read all about you! (other subject...would PPB diaper bag cost me an arm and leg?)


Amalah!!!!!!!! You're becoming as famous as well all knew you should be!

Couple of questions...

#1 What makeup did you buy?

#2 Are you still working?

And a request - scan the pic in for those of us in Canada who can't 'just' pick up the Washington paper!


I didn't read the comments above me, as I'm very lazy today. Someone else probably asked this:

Since most of us do not live in Washington, could you scan your picture and/or the article in for our reading pleasure?


Am I the first one that is going to ask you to pretty please scan the polaroid so we can see?


I don't believe I can scan the picture I have now -- I didn't ask, but since it's technically part of the magazine's shoot, I'm going to wait until the actual article comes out.

It'll probably be in the October issue, which will hit newstands in late September. I'll be sure to link and/or scan everything so the non-Washingtonians can see it if the magazine says that's cool.

But you know, anyone who CAN buy the magazine should so they will see the awesome circulation powah of and maybe let me write articles for them and stuff. Because they are awesome and have I sucked up to them enough?

(P.S. Please choose a pretty picture and maybe Photoshop the assy hair?)


Yep, I was going to ask about the polaroid, too. My guess? You're way more critical than we are because we love you. And the hair? Never looks how *you* want it to for pictures. But you had a professional and he probably made it look movie-star fantastic anyway. Is magic.

Lisa B

I'm sure you will be beee-yuuuuu-ti-ful. But please let us all know when the article is published because we can't wait to read it. Oh wait. I scrolled up through the comments are you will. Duh.

I'm one of those people that probably need "assvice". heehee


Okay - so I KNOW that most of this entry was about you and your photography session, but I am not shitting when I sat I SNORTED at the "(What happens when my baby eats a roach trap? WHAT THEN, INTERNET?)" line because, I was totally thinking "Oh shit. She is going to get torn a new one over the availability of roach traps in her house."

HA! The Internet is sometimes not so funny!

But also because I know for a damn FACT you will look gorgeous, and if you don't? Its the photographers fault.

Bonanza Jellybean

I was all about the roach trap, too. I thought for sure they'd be all over you for that one.

And what kind of photographer drags a pregnant woman OUTSIDE for a photo shoot in August? Is this guy a freelancer? Was there no cool coffee shop with AC nearby? How about a nice boring one with your computer?

I delivered in July, and I have to admit I'm jealous of your ability to refrain from kicking his ass.

Scarlett Cyn

YOU are always gorgeous, and most particulary so enciente.

Britney Spears-Federline? Not so much. Ok, ok, not at ALL. But YOU?

You da HOT MAMA.

Oh, and to help with the lipgloss problem, makeup aficionado that I am please try: Frisky Summer by NARS. Buy it. Use it. LOAVE IT. I know I do!

Ta pretty darling!


Me again...woop de freekin' do!

Forgot to ask if the furniture you bought for baby's room has a 'name/brand'? I think the change table thingy is awesome and so is the chifferobe!!


Elizabeth Arden 'Mandarin Spice' lipgloss looks goddamn luscious on practically everybody, and the only make-up over $2 I own. Worth every penny, and still only $14.


Elizabeth Arden 'Mandarin Spice' lipgloss looks goddamn luscious on practically everybody, and the only make-up over $2 I own. Worth every penny, and still only $14.


Bad hair or not—you're gonna be the best "filler" the Washingtonian has ever laid eyes on! Congrats! You deserve it.


Oh so many wonderful things to look forward to with the pregnancy. Have I told you how glad I am that I have you to experience them for me first and then I can read about them as told from your perfectly snarky and kickass view point.

Can't wait to see the article and the photo, it can't POSSIBLY be as bad as you make it sound. You are far too much of a cute precious tiny pregnant Amalah with big Babalah-only belly for it to be that bad.


"hell to the no"

Best thing you've said EVER.

Wacky Mommy

The baby won't eat roach traps. He will, however, lick the carpet of the dressing room while you're trying on clothes because even though you're not pregnant, nothing fits right, ever again, necessitating lots of shopping trips. He won't be in the stroller cuz he will have crawled out of the stroller. And if he isn't allowed to crawl out of the stroller, he will shriek his little head off til you give him what he wants Please God, just let Mommy try on these pants, please?? Please? etc.

i bet the pix will be great.


I'm sure it will look fine. At least you took the time to get ready! I always laugh at the women on the local news (who probably had time to get cleaned up a little before the interview) who have curlers in their hair, or who look like they haven't showered in months. Your picture will, of course, look a million times better than that.


hey pretty pregnant lady - SCAN THE DAMN PHOTO FOR THE REST OF US TO SEE! heh.

i mean, voyeurs-r-us, you know?


Okay, I'm late commenting on this because I never got the Notify thing (again) but am so excited about WASHINGTONIAN and I read it every month and I can't wait. And also have you been watching 'Being Bobby Brown?" Or is 'hell to the no' just something you picked up somewhere? From someone else who's been watching it?


Hell to the yeah! Congratulations! :)

P.S. I only saw one episode of that Bobby Brown show. I laughed and cried at the same time. When did Whitney Houston become simply a sideshow in her freakshow circus?



Can you send a link to the article when it's published? will it be online or hard copy?


RockStar Mommy

Okay, first of all, it is ALWAYS okay to make fun of pregnant Britney Spears pictures. In fact, it's always okay to make fun of ANY Britney Spears pictures, since it appears as if she's trying to give Whitney Houston a run for her drug money.

And second, HOW DARE YOU tell us that you have in your posession a polaroid from the photo shoot. Do you think we're stupid or something? We allllll know you just bought a scanner not too long ago. So....? What are you waiting for?

Heather B

While sifting through your archives/not sleeping, I found this post. The scary part is that when you did this photo shoot, I lived one block away from where you live/where the picture was being taken, but now I have realized that I saw you in the park getting your picture taken and thought "why is this woman getting her picture taken on a highly traveled street??" The point is, small small small world and I'm sure the picture will be fabulous!

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