All Belly, All the Damn Time
September 19, 2005
Oh Internet, I had such grand ideas for today's post -- we have artwork and a-fancy paintin' type things in the nursery now, and lo, it is gorgeous and very ready for the Prince of Everything's debut. My mother-in-law? Scary, scary talented. And patient. And not asking me to help at all, which is the best part.
I took pictures this morning but...well, I am an idiot who forgot to turn on the flash. So I have pictures of shadows and things which are not at all interesting.
Here's a preview, courtesy of the one photo that actually came out, kind of.
So instead of nursery photos and some hilarious commentary about me stenciling leaves (yes), repainting our bathroom (no), and pouring spoiled milk into everyone's morning coffee because I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE THE CURDLES (yes), I will post some belly pictures, because THOSE came out just fine.
Jason took these last night, when my belly looked especially pointy and lopsided.
There really isn't any way to describe the feeling of having a full-sized, actual infant inside you. Except impatience, because clearly, this kid is just freeloading at this point.
Then I took these this morning, just to give you the full, uncensored horror.
(Yes, there are stretch marks. Many, many stretch marks. But because I am a lousy photographer whose photos are never properly lit, you can't really see them here. But I won't deny their existence. Am so sexy I can hardly stand it.)
Completely unrelated addendum: Thursday's post turned out to be quite the barn-burner. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds! I tried to reply to everybody, but I failed miserably, as I think I burned out around email number...twelve, or something.
And the great thing? Out of those hundreds of emails? I got exactly two telling me where to stick my "ridiculously rude" or "completely unrealistic" opinions regarding reader advice. Oh, and one person who went back through my entries to find one with open comments just so she could slam me there, because she was determined like that. Heh.
So three people hate me now and will never read the site again. And hundreds (hundreds!) of you love me and all but ordered me to stop defending myself all the time.
(Which means I'm going to defend myself one last time.)
FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #1: I got some emails from people apologizing for their comments when they did not need to apologize for their comments. And I felt mean and bad, because I didn't stress enough that there is a HUGE difference between saying "Hey, this was my experience" and saying "Hey, this was my experience and thus, the only way it should be done."
Sharing experiences is Good. We like sharing experiences. We are like Oprah, only with more cursing.
Not Good: judgement, scare tactics and a lack of respect for people who make different choices than you.
FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #2: The worst offenders of my zero-assvice-tolerance policy did not leave comments. They emailed me directly. Emails that, when forwarded to other friends, ellicited the same toe-curling reaction of "who the fuck is this person and how can she possibly think this is helpful?" So while you may think that all of the comments left last Wednesday were fine and dandy, rest assured they were the tip of the "unless you do things this way, horrible, horrible things will happen" iceberg.
And while I can handle a few of those, once I start getting dozens and dozens of scary stories that make me feel completely trapped in at every angle and I don't even KNOW THESE PEOPLE and now my head is full of botched forceps deliveries and maternal hemorrhaging and GAH, anxiety attack, I simply have to draw the line and plead with the Internet to Make. It. Stop.
FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE...wait, fuck that for this one. I am sick and tired of hearing the blah-blah-talkyspeak about how because I write things on the Internet and have a comments section, I should totally be okay with whatever people choose to say to me.
Maybe I should totally be okay with it. But guess what! I'm not. I'm sorry I'm not as big of a person as you think I should be, but maybe you'd rethink your position if you had to live a week with my email inbox and actually saw some of the stuff people say to me day after day.
Okay, I'm done now. I heart the Internet once again and will maybe think about not closing comments permanently after all.
Let's all talk about something else. Is anybody wearing any particularly cute shoes today?
Bought new shoes and a used Coach bag from Ebay this summer, thanks to reading you and deciding "over thirty" does not have to mean "totally unhip." However, you're probably not over thirty. But I am.
I havent been able to wear anything but flipflops the last six weeks. Thanks for reminding me.
Your belly is VERY big.
How're Ceiba's knees coming along? =)
Ok, for real? Remember when Jennifer Aniston was "pregnant" on Friends, and they gave her a fake belly but--hey, because it's tv--NONE OF THE REST OF HER enlarged at all?
Um, hello Jennifer Aniston.
Have you looked at your thighs in that pregnancy photo of yours? They are like 1/3 the size of Britney's pregnancy thighs in the many, many (oh God, why so many?) available internet photos of her in skimpy-ass pregnancy wear. They are small for a non-pregnant lady.
Tree mural? Gorge. Belly? Ginorm. Posting comments once again? Priceless!
(((((((((((Amy))))))))))))
Many, many hugs for you... I can only *imagine* what's been going through your mind and heart lately, and all I can tell you is that there are so many of us out here that love you even though we've never even MET you, and whatever decisions you make we realize that it's your life and are just so appreciative that you continue to let us in day after day. And that was the longest run-on sentence ever. Point being, I think you're great, I think the nursery looks great and I'm just happy that you're back!
(Oh, and no cute shoes today--just icky camouflage uniform and combat boots... blech. But I'm proud, I am!)
I think it was your blog where you said you forgot you were wearing flip flops one day to work? Well, I slid mine on to get some stuff out of my car, and when I got to work this morning (after taking my car to get serviced), I looked down and just went, "Oh shit..." Yep. Flip flops.
We heart you Amalah, we really really heart you!
no cute shoes today. Am boring. But, do have my very first Coach bag that my hubby brought back from LA for me. Love him.
You inspire me. And I mean that in a totally NON "internet stalker" way.
I swear.
Thanks for the pics. Can't wait to see the rest of the nursery.
Haha, no cute shoes today, just a band-aid on my toe-nail cause I probably stubbed it in the dark in the middle of the night trying to get my dear daughter her cup of milk.
Don't worry about the internet. Yeah, easier said than done. Try not to, these people have no tact, they are bombarding a very heavily pregnant woman. What does that say about them?
Here's hoping the babe will come out tonight! And you MUST find some way of letting us know!
I'm not wearing shoes. And my feet are not the least bit cute.
Heather
Oh! And these are my new shoes from Anne Taylor Loft (where I'd never shopped before, but woah those are some good shoe prices) that I heart. I got them in brown, not the bizarre tealy blue.
I have lurked for months. Lurk, lurk, lurk...
Wow! Am delurking!!
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are awesome. Completely and totally awesome. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to handle things the way you do. I'd be crying, and probably deleting my blog.
I hope everything goes well for you-no matter the circumstances-because like I said before, you're awesome.
Love it!! You can always make me smile. Nursery is incredible, as is your bellah :)
no shoes. still in pajamas. mondays i don't have to work. so i suck.
hundreds? Hundreds? really?
love the slanty belly shot. and the nursery - GAHHHHH! to die for. that woman has got some seriously mad skills with the painting and the standing on a ladder and the overhead-working and whatnot.
Wow. Jason's mother truly is brilliant. I mean seriously, I would totally love that room for myslef (albeit without the crib).
Plus, you have very skinny thighs. Am trying to contain my complete and utter jealousy.
The troll who scrolled back a few entries just to unload some verbal diarrhoea is priceless. She must have felt completely important posting that. *Golf clap*
I was going to wear cute shoes today. Cute BCBG-tan-snake-print-pointy-toed mules with a kitten heel. But, I had forgotten how I bruised my heel jumping up and down when the Spartans beat Notre Dame this weekend (Go Green!) and accidentally hit my couch therefore bruising and scraping the skin of my heel. Not too conducive to wearing shoes with heel-straps. So I'm wearing ugly black ankle boots that have not been in for some time (weird square toe).
Oh! Sorry for double post, but these are my new shoes from Anne Taylor Loft (where I'd never shopped before, but woah those are some good shoe prices) that I heart. I got them in dark brown, not the bizarre tealy blue. I pet them and call them Fluffy.
Dear god! if I was only -half- as cute as you when I was pregnant I would have totally taken a gazillion pictures and plastered them up every where and shown them to anyone who would have held still long enough.
I looked like a bloated dead whale with a alien visitor inside who kept thrashing around without rhyme or reason.
Also..stupid assvice people who go into different entries to badmouth you there? thats -way- more work than I want to put into something, she needs a hobby.
I love it when you're so pregnant that your belly actually gets CORNERS.
You can never go wrong with a fine pair of pirate boots. Because today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! That's something different to talk about. And anybody who leaves assvice should be made to walk the plank. Arrr!
I don't think there's a person in the world who likes the "you're on the internet and you have comments so you should suck it up when people say mean things to you." You are not alone! When people hate me, I wish I could censor them. With extreme prejudice.
It sucks when people are asshats.
I have on a blah pair of Payless platforms and I cut my bangs myself. I am the Anti-Amalah! Scary.
Also, you are much too adorable and I am super jealous.
Ummm, I forgot all about my shoes when I saw your belly. I had actually considered having another kid, and boy, did it pass QUICKLY.
Just kidding- you look great. HUGE, but great.
Back to the shoes. It's tennis shoes today, but it will be cute 4" snakeskin wedges tomorrow. How's that?
That last entry was awesome, I was just too lazy to email you and say it because I knew a gazillion other people would email you about how awesome the entry was.
Also, I thought of you this weekend as I spent close to $200 at Sephora on new makeup. And yes, there are cute shoes on my feet today (these ones if you're curious).
Hurry up Babalah, we're impatient people who want to see you!
I am actually wearing black-heeled Candies that I heart very much, but I am not sure if I should be embarassed to admit that or not, because once? On Sex and the City? Stanford said to a group of NYC socialites, "I knew Carrie when she was in her twenties and wearing Candie's for God's sakes and I loved her anyway."
Alas, no new shoes in my world. But, I get to start ballet class tomorrow! And I get to whirl and twirl my lumpy post two babies self around the room!!
I remember the lopsided belly thing. It's funny that they don't stay put, and everyone can see them squirming around in there!!
I have on kinda cute TOTALLY comfortable shoes today. They are slip on black suede with a cute little buckle. They are my only nice shoe for work at the moment, as I totally puked on my brown leather ones last week in a hellacious "morning sickness" episode. I guess I'll have to buy another pair!!
I checked here this morning and saw no post and thought "YAY! The baby came!" So now I'm kind of bummed that today's post wasn't about your perfect & easy delivery, but I love the nursery. I saw that your Amazon gift registry is under Jason Storch - is that the new baby's name?
I have some cute black Etienne Aigner's on that I thought looked pretty stylish. It wasn't until I was tromping through my house ready to go to work, did I realize I was looking at the legs and feet of my long-gone Grandma. These are the same shoes she wore for years. Sheesh.
My purse is a pretty baby-butt soft leather Perlina and my bangs, which I am growing out, are now finally long enough to tuck behing my ears. Damn. Now I have to make sure I pluck my eye brows.
It's always something.
There. Did that help?
I heart babalah bellylah.
I use Bed Head After-Party on my 18-month-old's wispy hair, thanks to you. She also made me buy both of us shoes today. I just thought you should know this.
My cute shoes gave me blisters, so, no.
But may I say? You have crazy thin legs. I'm jealous.
So it's like you were talking directly to me. I was so afraid I might have offended with my stupid trying-to-be-funny comments but now you're telling me that it's all good and we're best friends just like in 3rd grade and I didn't even need to apologize in email at all. I'm sooo relieved and I totally take back everything I said about you. hahah OK, I didn't say anything about you and you're probably all freaked out about the 3rd grade comments especially since I might be old enough to be your mother and I'm really not all that funny no matter what I think.
But still, it's all such a relief. hahha
The bottom line of all this is that you are a nice person and you will very very soon be holding your baby (fingers crossed it is sooner rather than later). Anybody who is so unhappy and angry that they will vent on somebody's blog and email them hate-mail is just not worth getting too upset about. I understand that it upset you, and by god it would upset me, but I hope that you are feeling better and aren't letting them bother you as much as they want to bother you.
Have to say though, I *almost* admire Sandra's tenacity. That kid just does not let go, does she?
Beautiful nursery. The leaves must have taken hours to paint!
And if Ms. Open Comments Seeker still has excess time on her hands, I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a dog who needs his anal sacs squeezed.
I'm barefoot at the moment, but I'm waiting for these babies to show up because they were on clearance they're cute. So.
I think I would like to make out with your MIL a little bit.
Whenever you post belly pictures, I always picture a little infant curled up inside. So adorable! I hope I look as cute as you do when I'm pregnant.
No cute shoes today. Woke up late and grumpy, had to grope around in the dark for shoes (curse my boyfriend for waking up later than me!).
Tomorrow is officially Cute Shoes Day.
And so it shall be!
Didja get my e-mail Amy? Didja? Didja? *jumps up and down in the back waving* I de-lurked!
I am wearing what I consider to be fabulous shoes (for me). I'm a grad student, so my fabulous meter is somewhat off. Maryjane sneakers by Sketchers. Comfy and cute. Perfect for low-maintenence, tall me.
No cute shoes today, but very cute new skirt from Talbot's Outlet. Yay.
You are cool and I dig your stuff and poo on anyone who sends you scary labor e-mails.
No cute shoes HOWEVER I was a dork and bought 2 new Juicy Tubes so I could get the Lancome free gift with purchase. You must get it too since the make-up brushes are too cute for words:)
Inside every fat, thin, or average person is an angry advice columnist trying to get out.
(or ass-vice, if you prefer)
Also I just wanted to say that I send very best wishes your way for you, your baby and your mom. Your whole family, actually.
(I hadn't said that because I have been frankly scared to.)
Oh, and don't let the Maternity Mafia get you down!
P.S. Arrr, matey! :)
P.P.S. Isaac Mizrahi for Target sandals. Do they count as cute?
Wow. People must really be determined to send assvice. How insane... and not in a good way.
De-lurking to say hope things go well, no matter what. remember--when people venture into the realm of extreme assininity, you're pretty, thinner than them even when pregnant, and you've got a wonderful baby and husband in your life. Also? cute shoes, an excuse to shop, and a bitchin nursery. So there. Most people your age (including me) don't have all those things :) I've got a divorce pending and a man I want to marry who lives 7 thousand miles away. Also? I have a blog I need to actually keep up with. Yeah, you're beating me out by far :)
Cute shoes? Well.... i did just go shoe shopping but it was locally, and so nothing super-exciting or really worth talking about. Bastards here can't come up with a decent mall or shops. That's Ok.
ok, It's not. But today I'll be wearing the glorious flip flops- because I DID put on a pair of super cute shoes the other day, and the pain of the blisters is excruciating.
And in 10 days am leaving the country to go on an international mission called :Julianna gets to go see her new boyfriend who she loves very much but can only see a few times a year and has to look fantastic which means waxing and all kinds of TMI things. So that's the shoe story.
I hate my shoes because the heel is broken on the inside somehow and it is creaking. So I sound like I weigh more than I do, and trust me I need no help in that department. And, it is your blog/journal and you can get mad and delete whatever comments you want.
Delurking...
No cute shoes today. Only ugly, worn-out flip flops, the only thing my swollen pregnant feet will fit :(
I too am sick of assvice - my SIL thinks that because she had a kid 7 years ago she is the ultimate authority! YUCK!!!
Hang in there :)
I used to wonder why pregnant chicks would always sit with their hands clasped over their stomachs. Now, I realize they are just trying to hide the freak show that is their baby belly.
My own little Freeloader (yep, official nickname that is in my blog AND his baby book. dammit, I had better raise a kid with a good sense of self-deprecating humor, right? :-) is lying in a position called vertex, so he is ALWAYS lopsided at this point.
BITCH! Your legs are sooooo skinny and you are sooooo pregnant! I love being big enough to actually see the baby move and tell what body part is where. Did you pat his little tushy? Too cute! I was so going to e-mail you the other day but like someone else said (and we were right) I knew you would be bombarded with e-mails so I refrained. Just like every pregnancy and every baby is different, so is every labor! I wish some of these people could go back to BEFORE they had their babies and remember how terrified they were of the unknown. I think people are forgetting this is your first! I remember how nervous and scared I was before I finally had my baby last year but once things starting rolling, in a very weird way, all my nervousness just went away. I hope you get everything you want! I know you will because eventually (very soon) babalah will make his debut and you and Jason will totally lose all of your heart to him! Shoes, oh please woman, I wear pretty much the same pair of shoes everyday (even though I have a TON in my closet): a pair of American Eagle brown sandals I got three years ago for the bargain price of $15!
How about some sweet brown swede kitten heels?
Seriously, though how can you talk about shoes? At near term, the only thing I could wear on my feet were slipper like objects or plastic bags (see Zoot's comment abouve). If you can still wear cute shoes, I am jealous.
When I started my new job a few months ago, my old department gave me a $50 gift certificate to Nordstrom's and I said I needed a new pair of black pumps. Everyone figured I wouldn't be able to find a decent pair of shoes for $50 or less, but by checking out the sale rack, I got TWO pairs- a cute pair of pink fabric flats and a sexay pair of silver strappy sandals, but not the black pumps I needed. I was so inspired by my good shoe fortune at Nordy's, however, that I went to another department store to check out its shoe clearance, and found the perfect pair of sassy black pumps (which I am wearing today) and the same style in a bee-you-tiful rose color.
Why yes I am. Thank you. You can see a picture of my tiny feminine little feet in my adorably girly shoes here. http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a78/trishbailey/95659787_327446182_0.jpg
God I miss watching the itty baby body parts roll by on my belly. You look fabulous, dahling, stretch marks and all!
Oh yes, I should probably have mentioned that I am merely seeking to live vicariously through Other People's Footwear.
I haven't worn Actual Shoes in about two months, and am currently wearing some absolutely hideous black platform slides (circa 2001) that still squish my little sausage toes.
So, yesterday my husband and I were already in the garage about to leave for church when I looked down and realized I was still wearing the rainbow-striped rubber waterproof Birkenstocks that I had worn to walk the dog. I had to change because I just didn't see them as being church-appropriate...