The Thing About Assvice
Home Implosion, Part Infinity

All Belly, All the Damn Time

Oh Internet, I had such grand ideas for today's post -- we have artwork and a-fancy paintin' type things in the nursery now, and lo, it is gorgeous and very ready for the Prince of Everything's debut. My mother-in-law? Scary, scary talented. And patient. And not asking me to help at all, which is the best part.

I took pictures this morning but...well, I am an idiot who forgot to turn on the flash. So I have pictures of shadows and things which are not at all interesting.

Here's a preview, courtesy of the one photo that actually came out, kind of.

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So instead of nursery photos and some hilarious commentary about me stenciling leaves (yes), repainting our bathroom (no), and pouring spoiled milk into everyone's morning coffee because I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE THE CURDLES (yes), I will post some belly pictures, because THOSE came out just fine.

Jason took these last night, when my belly looked especially pointy and lopsided.

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There really isn't any way to describe the feeling of having a full-sized, actual infant inside you. Except impatience, because clearly, this kid is just freeloading at this point.

Then I took these this morning, just to give you the full, uncensored horror.

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(Yes, there are stretch marks. Many, many stretch marks. But because I am a lousy photographer whose photos are never properly lit, you can't really see them here. But I won't deny their existence. Am so sexy I can hardly stand it.)

Completely unrelated addendum: Thursday's post turned out to be quite the barn-burner. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds! I tried to reply to everybody, but I failed miserably, as I think I burned out around email number...twelve, or something.

And the great thing? Out of those hundreds of emails? I got exactly two telling me where to stick my "ridiculously rude" or "completely unrealistic" opinions regarding reader advice. Oh, and one person who went back through my entries to find one with open comments just so she could slam me there, because she was determined like that. Heh.

So three people hate me now and will never read the site again. And hundreds (hundreds!) of you love me and all but ordered me to stop defending myself all the time.

(Which means I'm going to defend myself one last time.)

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #1: I got some emails from people apologizing for their comments when they did not need to apologize for their comments. And I felt mean and bad, because I didn't stress enough that there is a HUGE difference between saying "Hey, this was my experience" and saying "Hey, this was my experience and thus, the only way it should be done."

Sharing experiences is Good. We like sharing experiences. We are like Oprah, only with more cursing.

Not Good: judgement, scare tactics and a lack of respect for people who make different choices than you.

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #2: The worst offenders of my zero-assvice-tolerance policy did not leave comments. They emailed me directly. Emails that, when forwarded to other friends, ellicited the same toe-curling reaction of "who the fuck is this person and how can she possibly think this is helpful?" So while you may think that all of the comments left last Wednesday were fine and dandy, rest assured they were the tip of the "unless you do things this way, horrible, horrible things will happen" iceberg.

And while I can handle a few of those, once I start getting dozens and dozens of scary stories that make me feel completely trapped in at every angle and I don't even KNOW THESE PEOPLE and now my head is full of botched forceps deliveries and maternal hemorrhaging and GAH, anxiety attack, I simply have to draw the line and plead with the Internet to Make. It. Stop.

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE...wait, fuck that for this one. I am sick and tired of hearing the blah-blah-talkyspeak about how because I write things on the Internet and have a comments section, I should totally be okay with whatever people choose to say to me.

Maybe I should totally be okay with it. But guess what! I'm not. I'm sorry I'm not as big of a person as you think I should be, but maybe you'd rethink your position if you had to live a week with my email inbox and actually saw some of the stuff people say to me day after day.

Okay, I'm done now. I heart the Internet once again and will maybe think about not closing comments permanently after all.

Let's all talk about something else. Is anybody wearing any particularly cute shoes today?

Comments

Dorothy

Bought new shoes and a used Coach bag from Ebay this summer, thanks to reading you and deciding "over thirty" does not have to mean "totally unhip." However, you're probably not over thirty. But I am.

Zoot

I havent been able to wear anything but flipflops the last six weeks. Thanks for reminding me.

Your belly is VERY big.

Danell

How're Ceiba's knees coming along? =)

Real Girl

Ok, for real? Remember when Jennifer Aniston was "pregnant" on Friends, and they gave her a fake belly but--hey, because it's tv--NONE OF THE REST OF HER enlarged at all?

Um, hello Jennifer Aniston.

Have you looked at your thighs in that pregnancy photo of yours? They are like 1/3 the size of Britney's pregnancy thighs in the many, many (oh God, why so many?) available internet photos of her in skimpy-ass pregnancy wear. They are small for a non-pregnant lady.

Tree mural? Gorge. Belly? Ginorm. Posting comments once again? Priceless!

Angela

(((((((((((Amy))))))))))))

Many, many hugs for you... I can only *imagine* what's been going through your mind and heart lately, and all I can tell you is that there are so many of us out here that love you even though we've never even MET you, and whatever decisions you make we realize that it's your life and are just so appreciative that you continue to let us in day after day. And that was the longest run-on sentence ever. Point being, I think you're great, I think the nursery looks great and I'm just happy that you're back!

(Oh, and no cute shoes today--just icky camouflage uniform and combat boots... blech. But I'm proud, I am!)

Ms Meh

I think it was your blog where you said you forgot you were wearing flip flops one day to work? Well, I slid mine on to get some stuff out of my car, and when I got to work this morning (after taking my car to get serviced), I looked down and just went, "Oh shit..." Yep. Flip flops.

kentucky_kitty

We heart you Amalah, we really really heart you!

Isabel

no cute shoes today. Am boring. But, do have my very first Coach bag that my hubby brought back from LA for me. Love him.

You inspire me. And I mean that in a totally NON "internet stalker" way.

I swear.

Thanks for the pics. Can't wait to see the rest of the nursery.

Amy

Haha, no cute shoes today, just a band-aid on my toe-nail cause I probably stubbed it in the dark in the middle of the night trying to get my dear daughter her cup of milk.

Don't worry about the internet. Yeah, easier said than done. Try not to, these people have no tact, they are bombarding a very heavily pregnant woman. What does that say about them?

Here's hoping the babe will come out tonight! And you MUST find some way of letting us know!

Heather

I'm not wearing shoes. And my feet are not the least bit cute.

Heather

Real Girl

Oh! And these are my new shoes from Anne Taylor Loft (where I'd never shopped before, but woah those are some good shoe prices) that I heart. I got them in brown, not the bizarre tealy blue.

Maggie

I have lurked for months. Lurk, lurk, lurk...

Wow! Am delurking!!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are awesome. Completely and totally awesome. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to handle things the way you do. I'd be crying, and probably deleting my blog.

I hope everything goes well for you-no matter the circumstances-because like I said before, you're awesome.

Cindy

Love it!! You can always make me smile. Nursery is incredible, as is your bellah :)

Sarcomical

no shoes. still in pajamas. mondays i don't have to work. so i suck.

hundreds? Hundreds? really?

love the slanty belly shot. and the nursery - GAHHHHH! to die for. that woman has got some seriously mad skills with the painting and the standing on a ladder and the overhead-working and whatnot.

Zoe

Wow. Jason's mother truly is brilliant. I mean seriously, I would totally love that room for myslef (albeit without the crib).

Plus, you have very skinny thighs. Am trying to contain my complete and utter jealousy.

The troll who scrolled back a few entries just to unload some verbal diarrhoea is priceless. She must have felt completely important posting that. *Golf clap*

Jessie

I was going to wear cute shoes today. Cute BCBG-tan-snake-print-pointy-toed mules with a kitten heel. But, I had forgotten how I bruised my heel jumping up and down when the Spartans beat Notre Dame this weekend (Go Green!) and accidentally hit my couch therefore bruising and scraping the skin of my heel. Not too conducive to wearing shoes with heel-straps. So I'm wearing ugly black ankle boots that have not been in for some time (weird square toe).

Real Girl

Oh! Sorry for double post, but these are my new shoes from Anne Taylor Loft (where I'd never shopped before, but woah those are some good shoe prices) that I heart. I got them in dark brown, not the bizarre tealy blue. I pet them and call them Fluffy.

Magnolia

Dear god! if I was only -half- as cute as you when I was pregnant I would have totally taken a gazillion pictures and plastered them up every where and shown them to anyone who would have held still long enough.

I looked like a bloated dead whale with a alien visitor inside who kept thrashing around without rhyme or reason.

Also..stupid assvice people who go into different entries to badmouth you there? thats -way- more work than I want to put into something, she needs a hobby.

Undisclosed

I love it when you're so pregnant that your belly actually gets CORNERS.

Penny

You can never go wrong with a fine pair of pirate boots. Because today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! That's something different to talk about. And anybody who leaves assvice should be made to walk the plank. Arrr!

lissa

I don't think there's a person in the world who likes the "you're on the internet and you have comments so you should suck it up when people say mean things to you." You are not alone! When people hate me, I wish I could censor them. With extreme prejudice.

It sucks when people are asshats.

I have on a blah pair of Payless platforms and I cut my bangs myself. I am the Anti-Amalah! Scary.

Also, you are much too adorable and I am super jealous.

Bonanza Jellybean

Ummm, I forgot all about my shoes when I saw your belly. I had actually considered having another kid, and boy, did it pass QUICKLY.

Just kidding- you look great. HUGE, but great.

Back to the shoes. It's tennis shoes today, but it will be cute 4" snakeskin wedges tomorrow. How's that?

Minarae

That last entry was awesome, I was just too lazy to email you and say it because I knew a gazillion other people would email you about how awesome the entry was.

Also, I thought of you this weekend as I spent close to $200 at Sephora on new makeup. And yes, there are cute shoes on my feet today (these ones if you're curious).

Hurry up Babalah, we're impatient people who want to see you!

Frema

I am actually wearing black-heeled Candies that I heart very much, but I am not sure if I should be embarassed to admit that or not, because once? On Sex and the City? Stanford said to a group of NYC socialites, "I knew Carrie when she was in her twenties and wearing Candie's for God's sakes and I loved her anyway."

jamie

Alas, no new shoes in my world. But, I get to start ballet class tomorrow! And I get to whirl and twirl my lumpy post two babies self around the room!!

Robyn

I remember the lopsided belly thing. It's funny that they don't stay put, and everyone can see them squirming around in there!!

I have on kinda cute TOTALLY comfortable shoes today. They are slip on black suede with a cute little buckle. They are my only nice shoe for work at the moment, as I totally puked on my brown leather ones last week in a hellacious "morning sickness" episode. I guess I'll have to buy another pair!!

MissIzii

I checked here this morning and saw no post and thought "YAY! The baby came!" So now I'm kind of bummed that today's post wasn't about your perfect & easy delivery, but I love the nursery. I saw that your Amazon gift registry is under Jason Storch - is that the new baby's name?

baileyswedishfish

I have some cute black Etienne Aigner's on that I thought looked pretty stylish. It wasn't until I was tromping through my house ready to go to work, did I realize I was looking at the legs and feet of my long-gone Grandma. These are the same shoes she wore for years. Sheesh.

My purse is a pretty baby-butt soft leather Perlina and my bangs, which I am growing out, are now finally long enough to tuck behing my ears. Damn. Now I have to make sure I pluck my eye brows.

It's always something.

There. Did that help?

I heart babalah bellylah.

Nancy

I use Bed Head After-Party on my 18-month-old's wispy hair, thanks to you. She also made me buy both of us shoes today. I just thought you should know this.

Vanessa

My cute shoes gave me blisters, so, no.

But may I say? You have crazy thin legs. I'm jealous.

JustLinda

So it's like you were talking directly to me. I was so afraid I might have offended with my stupid trying-to-be-funny comments but now you're telling me that it's all good and we're best friends just like in 3rd grade and I didn't even need to apologize in email at all. I'm sooo relieved and I totally take back everything I said about you. hahah OK, I didn't say anything about you and you're probably all freaked out about the 3rd grade comments especially since I might be old enough to be your mother and I'm really not all that funny no matter what I think.

But still, it's all such a relief. hahha

Sarah

The bottom line of all this is that you are a nice person and you will very very soon be holding your baby (fingers crossed it is sooner rather than later). Anybody who is so unhappy and angry that they will vent on somebody's blog and email them hate-mail is just not worth getting too upset about. I understand that it upset you, and by god it would upset me, but I hope that you are feeling better and aren't letting them bother you as much as they want to bother you.

Have to say though, I *almost* admire Sandra's tenacity. That kid just does not let go, does she?

Liz

Beautiful nursery. The leaves must have taken hours to paint!

And if Ms. Open Comments Seeker still has excess time on her hands, I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a dog who needs his anal sacs squeezed.

Mir

I'm barefoot at the moment, but I'm waiting for these babies to show up because they were on clearance they're cute. So.

I think I would like to make out with your MIL a little bit.

xtine

Whenever you post belly pictures, I always picture a little infant curled up inside. So adorable! I hope I look as cute as you do when I'm pregnant.

No cute shoes today. Woke up late and grumpy, had to grope around in the dark for shoes (curse my boyfriend for waking up later than me!).

Tomorrow is officially Cute Shoes Day.

And so it shall be!

Theresa

Didja get my e-mail Amy? Didja? Didja? *jumps up and down in the back waving* I de-lurked!

I am wearing what I consider to be fabulous shoes (for me). I'm a grad student, so my fabulous meter is somewhat off. Maryjane sneakers by Sketchers. Comfy and cute. Perfect for low-maintenence, tall me.

scoutsadie

No cute shoes today, but very cute new skirt from Talbot's Outlet. Yay.

You are cool and I dig your stuff and poo on anyone who sends you scary labor e-mails.

Dee

No cute shoes HOWEVER I was a dork and bought 2 new Juicy Tubes so I could get the Lancome free gift with purchase. You must get it too since the make-up brushes are too cute for words:)

mrsatroxi

Inside every fat, thin, or average person is an angry advice columnist trying to get out.

(or ass-vice, if you prefer)

Also I just wanted to say that I send very best wishes your way for you, your baby and your mom. Your whole family, actually.

(I hadn't said that because I have been frankly scared to.)

Oh, and don't let the Maternity Mafia get you down!

P.S. Arrr, matey! :)

P.P.S. Isaac Mizrahi for Target sandals. Do they count as cute?

Julianna

Wow. People must really be determined to send assvice. How insane... and not in a good way.

De-lurking to say hope things go well, no matter what. remember--when people venture into the realm of extreme assininity, you're pretty, thinner than them even when pregnant, and you've got a wonderful baby and husband in your life. Also? cute shoes, an excuse to shop, and a bitchin nursery. So there. Most people your age (including me) don't have all those things :) I've got a divorce pending and a man I want to marry who lives 7 thousand miles away. Also? I have a blog I need to actually keep up with. Yeah, you're beating me out by far :)

Cute shoes? Well.... i did just go shoe shopping but it was locally, and so nothing super-exciting or really worth talking about. Bastards here can't come up with a decent mall or shops. That's Ok.

ok, It's not. But today I'll be wearing the glorious flip flops- because I DID put on a pair of super cute shoes the other day, and the pain of the blisters is excruciating.

And in 10 days am leaving the country to go on an international mission called :Julianna gets to go see her new boyfriend who she loves very much but can only see a few times a year and has to look fantastic which means waxing and all kinds of TMI things. So that's the shoe story.

Rbelle

I hate my shoes because the heel is broken on the inside somehow and it is creaking. So I sound like I weigh more than I do, and trust me I need no help in that department. And, it is your blog/journal and you can get mad and delete whatever comments you want.

Beth

Delurking...

No cute shoes today. Only ugly, worn-out flip flops, the only thing my swollen pregnant feet will fit :(

I too am sick of assvice - my SIL thinks that because she had a kid 7 years ago she is the ultimate authority! YUCK!!!

Hang in there :)

Cagey

I used to wonder why pregnant chicks would always sit with their hands clasped over their stomachs. Now, I realize they are just trying to hide the freak show that is their baby belly.

My own little Freeloader (yep, official nickname that is in my blog AND his baby book. dammit, I had better raise a kid with a good sense of self-deprecating humor, right? :-) is lying in a position called vertex, so he is ALWAYS lopsided at this point.

Hilary

BITCH! Your legs are sooooo skinny and you are sooooo pregnant! I love being big enough to actually see the baby move and tell what body part is where. Did you pat his little tushy? Too cute! I was so going to e-mail you the other day but like someone else said (and we were right) I knew you would be bombarded with e-mails so I refrained. Just like every pregnancy and every baby is different, so is every labor! I wish some of these people could go back to BEFORE they had their babies and remember how terrified they were of the unknown. I think people are forgetting this is your first! I remember how nervous and scared I was before I finally had my baby last year but once things starting rolling, in a very weird way, all my nervousness just went away. I hope you get everything you want! I know you will because eventually (very soon) babalah will make his debut and you and Jason will totally lose all of your heart to him! Shoes, oh please woman, I wear pretty much the same pair of shoes everyday (even though I have a TON in my closet): a pair of American Eagle brown sandals I got three years ago for the bargain price of $15!

Diane

How about some sweet brown swede kitten heels?

Seriously, though how can you talk about shoes? At near term, the only thing I could wear on my feet were slipper like objects or plastic bags (see Zoot's comment abouve). If you can still wear cute shoes, I am jealous.

MamaKaren

When I started my new job a few months ago, my old department gave me a $50 gift certificate to Nordstrom's and I said I needed a new pair of black pumps. Everyone figured I wouldn't be able to find a decent pair of shoes for $50 or less, but by checking out the sale rack, I got TWO pairs- a cute pair of pink fabric flats and a sexay pair of silver strappy sandals, but not the black pumps I needed. I was so inspired by my good shoe fortune at Nordy's, however, that I went to another department store to check out its shoe clearance, and found the perfect pair of sassy black pumps (which I am wearing today) and the same style in a bee-you-tiful rose color.

Tricia Bailey

Why yes I am. Thank you. You can see a picture of my tiny feminine little feet in my adorably girly shoes here. http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a78/trishbailey/95659787_327446182_0.jpg

Amanda

God I miss watching the itty baby body parts roll by on my belly. You look fabulous, dahling, stretch marks and all!

Amalah

Oh yes, I should probably have mentioned that I am merely seeking to live vicariously through Other People's Footwear.

I haven't worn Actual Shoes in about two months, and am currently wearing some absolutely hideous black platform slides (circa 2001) that still squish my little sausage toes.

~L.

So, yesterday my husband and I were already in the garage about to leave for church when I looked down and realized I was still wearing the rainbow-striped rubber waterproof Birkenstocks that I had worn to walk the dog. I had to change because I just didn't see them as being church-appropriate...

Aimee

I've not been down the whole procreation road, so I can't really offer any advice on that. I have loads of friends who've given birth heaps of different ways to some fine-lookin' babies, so I can't see how there could be right or wrong ways. All I will say is that no one tells me what to do with my cervix or vagina, so I think they need to get the fuck out of yours. Stick to your guns! And for those who question you, fuck 'em and feed 'em fishheads.

Now for shoes, I just received these "sassy Mary Jane sneakers" from Zappos.com (all hail the Internet shoe god Zappo): http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/6647061/c/72.html. Totally too cute for words.

Lori

Seeing the lopsided belly is making me miss the tumbly baby tummy!

And no, I'm not wearing cute shoes. But I'm not wearing nonslip safety shoes, so that's a step up from my day to day life.

warcrygirl

My mom is the queen of the scary stories. My cousin recently had her gall bladder removed and because my mother had hers removed felt the need to share with her every horror story known to man BEFORE her surgery. So yes, there is a way to share experiences without being judgemental and scary.

I'm wearing ugly walking shoes because I'm about to walk to the school to pick up my kid. I could really use a new pair of cute shoes...

Balto Beppie

No cute shoes, but I did get a great pedicure on Saturday!

I want a big belly full of baby... someday, someday..... (although God, if you are reading this, what can we do to speed this up?)!!

S

I'm wearing cute shoes, thanks to you Amalah! After all of your talk and pictures of cute shoes, I decided that I needed a super shoe shopping spree. With a little help from generous relatives that send me birthday money, I now have some cute shoes that were bought after 1995. Yay! Thank you for making my feet feel pretty again.

MK

1st off- can't wait to see the nursery pics. We are 5 months pg and just starting to work on the nursery! So lucky to have a talented MIL that can paint for you!

2nd- screw all thpse mean people! What is wrong with people! I love you and your blog! I completely understand about the assvice! I am having a C-section, based off dr. advice and have gotten lots of mean and unasked for comments and advice (or should I say comments on what I am doing wrong) to my face! I also keep having people tell me that they don;t like the name we are giving our baby girl! I feel for you and thought your response to everyone was perfect! Cheers to you! You are great! Keep your head high and hopefully those people will keep their mouths shut next time or go away!

Elise

Was blog surfing, found yours. Love the murral on your baby's wall. So cute! And a wonderful job. congratulations to you!

MK

1st off- can't wait to see the nursery pics. We are 5 months pg and just starting to work on the nursery! So lucky to have a talented MIL that can paint for you!

2nd- screw all thpse mean people! What is wrong with people! I love you and your blog! I completely understand about the assvice! I am having a C-section, based off dr. advice and have gotten lots of mean and unasked for comments and advice (or should I say comments on what I am doing wrong) to my face! I also keep having people tell me that they don;t like the name we are giving our baby girl! I feel for you and thought your response to everyone was perfect! Cheers to you! You are great! Keep your head high and hopefully those people will keep their mouths shut next time or go away!

drea

Too bad on the still way pregnant, without child, and done nursery.
But your due date is rapidly approaching.

Damn, I want a pedicure. Is a pedicure when you're that pregnant practical, since you can't see your toes?

MK

1st off- can't wait to see the nursery pics. We are 5 months pg and just starting to work on the nursery! So lucky to have a talented MIL that can paint for you!

2nd- screw all thpse mean people! What is wrong with people! I love you and your blog! I completely understand about the assvice! I am having a C-section, based off dr. advice and have gotten lots of mean and unasked for comments and advice (or should I say comments on what I am doing wrong) to my face! I also keep having people tell me that they don;t like the name we are giving our baby girl! I feel for you and thought your response to everyone was perfect! Cheers to you! You are great! Keep your head high and hopefully those people will keep their mouths shut next time or go away!

Elizabeth

That leaf design in the nursery? Sooo jealous! And your belly is way too cute! Glad you're posting again. :)

zambonigirl

Am currently wearing some adorable bone-colored three-inch heels with the fashionable Clinton And Stacy Pointy-Toe with dark chocolate brown pants, white blouse, and grass-green sweater, and I think I look hot. No, wait, HOTT!

Now, if I only wasn't a landmass the size of Hawaii, things would be quite perfect, but I guess I'll just describe myself as "voluptuous" in my personal ads.

Good luck, Amy! And I support whatever you do, because I'm not you, and I am not facing your personal decisions, nor do I live in a body like yours. The only thing I ask if for lots and lots of picspam after The Prince Of Everything is born.

Diana

Just wanted to say that you have handled this whole thing so well - I stand in awe of your talents.

Amytoo

At least all the cool Internet people still love you, Amalah.

So yeah, you put yourself out there on the Web for the world to see and criticize, but PLEASE crazy people, use some common sense! I'm sorry you had to read all that horrific crap.

Anyhoo...take heart because I don't think your belly can get any bigger. Babalah HAS to make his appearance soon.

P.S. Can't help you with the shoes. Bare feet today. One has really ugly bruises and it actually looks kind of cool. I'm odd that way.

andi

In an interesting tale of Single White Female...I returned from vaca last week to see my boss sitting at her desk with a VERY Cute pair of black wedge-heeled ankle-strap sandals on...very chic...just exactly as tasteful as the IDENTICAL ones I had been wearing for three weeks...hmmm... ser interesante, no?

Shiz

I'm wearing shoes kinda like these, except they have pale yellow on black, and a jagged stripe instead of the flame. I want the ones in the pic, too.

Fluevog = funky shoes.

Don't delay, Fluevog today!

PS - We DO love you!

callistawolf

Unless you count barefoot to be cute shoes? Which... you probably don't. I plan to wear black birkenstocks later on though. I know, I know.. *hangs head in shame* :)

Hey, what it comes down to this is your blog and you can say or do whatever you darn well please. :) And anyone that says otherwise needs to get their own blog so they can do everything the way they want or get a life or both.

Kathleen

Thanks to you, dearest Amalah, I am the proud owner of some very adorable bolo by born kitten heeled sandals which I adore!

Ahh... methinks you'll enjoy the return to cute shoes more than you will the liberal libations.

And there's nothing wrong with that

:o)

reenie

Okay – I hope this falls under the category of comments you lovalah.
My SIL is 4 feet, 10 inches tall, and a size 4 normally…about 98 lbs soaking wet. She had an 8lb + little girl naturally five years ago. It didn’t take any longer than expected. And just this June, she had a little boy (forget how big), but she pushed for 10 minutes. I’m not shitting you. Dad came out and said he was still in there, and not 15 minutes later he said, “He’s here!”. 10 minutes. 123456789-10! So – I’m hoping you’ll have no problem. You just never know. At any rate – you’ll go in to the hospital with a smooshalah in your belly and come out with him in your arms.

zorgon

Yay!

All my shoes now have the soles falling off. Even my fuzzy ugg-knockoffs. I'm going to spend the weekend getting high on barge cement fumes glueing them all back together like the thrifty norwegian I am.

Paula

I just wanted to say Thank You and remind you that on-line journals like yours, do a lot of very positive things.

I am 26 weeks pregnant (soon to be a 1st time mom). I love my family, my in-laws, and my friends. However, none of these women have had a child in the past 8 years. Much of their advice ranges from dated and opinionated to downright witchcraft.

Between wearing out my library card and reading journals like yours, I'm actually well-informed. I can keep the women of my family silently transfixed just by discussing the new advances in breastfeeding technology (electric breastpump with black nylon travel case - ooh, ahhh). However, being informed doesn't mean that I'm not scared. Reading your site lets me know that I'm not the only one scared and having minor freak outs from time to time.

So once again, Thank You for taking the time to write.

p.s. Don't believe them when they tell you that eye of newt will help induce labor. Hogwash.

Joy Hayworth

You are going to be a way better momma than Britney and her Federfetus. Or whatever the hell they named it.

Kat

I can't even tell you how totally mortified I was to think that you may have misconstrued what I wrote was meant as "assvice!" I was just sharing my experiences...never meant to scare! So very sorry. All the best to you and your little family! PS...Your belly is gorgeous! I would NEVER have permitted belly pics in my 9th (or any other, for that matter) month!

mapletree7

I just wanted to let you know that I was a pointy-headed baby (forceps and all). My head recovered.

Amanda

No cute shoes, unfortunately. Just my barefoot, pregnant self moping around the house because my husband is out of town for the next two days. I'm so pitiful. Thanks for keeping me entertained in my pitifulness. :)

lizardek

I was a bit worried too that you would think my sharing my experiences meant I thought you should do it my way or the highway. ANYONE who thinks ANY pregnancy/delivery is like ANY other is delusional. Helpful experience stories only go so far. Here's hoping Babalah eases out fast enough for you to be glowing online for us within days :)

Ashlie

Your belly is amazing! The only person I've ever seen bigger was my mum when she was having twins. I was ten and all I remember is that her belly precedded her into any room about 10 minutes earlier.

You are one of those adorable pregnant woman that we love to hate (cause we may never look that good!) and want to be.....

I'm countin down!

Whimsy

Love your blog. Read it religiously. I am not pregnant, have no intentions of being pregnant nor have I ever been pregnant (you'll get no assvice from me!). So why do I read it? Because you are fucking funny. And oh so human. You've made me care about you and your baby.

Oh and you've given me a burning desire to visit Sephora. Even though I DON'T WEAR MAKEUP. Thanks a lot. I'd never even heard of Sephora before reading your blog. Sadly, I've never learned to apply makeup without looking like a trollop.

As far as shoes...I drive public transit for a living so I am stuck wearing some truly ugly black shoes that are acceptable by the uniform standards set my company. Since I have to wear them eight hours a day whoever set that standard needs to be hunted down and hurt.

MandyGirl

I never have cute shoes because I have really big feet--and though I LOVE cute shoes, I can never find any to fit. :(

I am, however, wearing my super cute glasses that brought on a nice "I love girls in glasses" comment from a very cute guy. :)

Lori

I just want to thank you--and curse you in thge same breath for recommending those Ivins Spiced Wafers in your post about the Diana Visit. Always looking for the Über Gingersnap, I thought I would try a box, and i am hooked for good. Mmmm. How's your mom doing?

samantha

I wore very cute shoes all weekend - some seriously high olive green Chinese Laundry skyscrapers - oops, I mean, shoes - and they have a funky nylon strap around the ankle - kinda a d'Orsay look. Someone glanced down at my feet and said, 'I think you're missing part of your shoe.'

They make me feel like I could take over the world!

And good for you for standing up for yourself. It's so hard to establish boundaries on the Internet, and people can be such idiots. So, don't take any shit, is what I say.

pabpaj

You look simply marvelous!

I've been reading your schtuff for about three weeks now and it's so wonderfully funny, bitchy (dare I say it?? Snarky!) and your writing makes me laugh and smile ALOT!

Yes, your belly is HUGE. But it should be -- you're 9 months pregnant, right? It's normal. (You're just so petite that it looks really, really large in comparison to your small frame.)

YOU are going to be fine and have a wonderful little baby boy and it will be the best, most exciting accomplishment you'll ever have done in your life! You just wait and see... :)

Ignore the preachy drama queens (hey drama queens, you know who you are!) -- you don't need their crap.

Listen to all of the lovely readers who worship Amalah!

Can't wait for the next update from your doctor's visit on whether you're effacing or not. (I bet you will be....

anna

Sorry, no cute shoes today. The tree limbs look awesome in the nursery. Sounds like everything/one is ready. Except the stubborn little boy. You could always start playing "Hit the Road Jack!" to him and see if it helps.

pabpaj

Oh, not really wearing any cute shoes (unless you count my Birkies as "cute"). I'm a comfort goddess so I stick to my Birkenstocks.

I do like Real Girl's Fluffy, though. Cute!

Nico

Love love love the (preview) of the nursery. Very cool. That is a talented MIL you have.
Am. lost. for. words. about the belly!

Deb

Delurking here--having crap day so invitation to mention my favorite boots can not go unresponded to. And, yes, though also a writer for a living, I know the rules, so have chosen to end that last sentence on a preposition. So there, Stupid Rule!

Borden, Hi Choice, Red Fluevogs with adorable heart-shaped heels. I have a pair of black ones, too--they were my 40th birthay present to me.

Amy, I think what you're doing out here is brave, funny, and completely undeserving of assvice. Ever. Of course, I feel that way about most people and their stupid, scary judgments.

minnie

you go girl! mean people suck. :) no cute shoes here today, but some closure from the past over the weekend happened!

Occidental_Girl

The internet is a lot like the real world: full of nice, nice people but with some whacked out nutjobs who take pleasure in hurting others. There ought to be a filter for those!

Until then, keep up your humor and feistiness. Don't let 'em get away with their nasty comments. There are plenty of people who love you, and hopefully you get that more than the other crap.

Oh, and I would die without Snarkywood. OMG I Love it!

jomama

I had been meaning to post a rant about how hard it is to wear anything other than flip-flops when you're past 7 months pregnant. You're lucky you'll be dropping that load before the weather gets cold. Have you tried putting on socks lately? Don't even think about tying shoes.

So yeah, I have no cute shoe stories for you. I have been wearing Payless moccasins and Old Navy flip-flops this entire summer. Because I have fat feet that I can hardly reach without hyperventilating.

I must also mention that I am so jealous that your nursery actually looks like a nursery instead of an empty room with some baby stuff in it. With my nesting instinct also came my picky-as-hell-nothing-looks-right instinct.

Kitty

I love the pics of your lopsided belly - like your son finally found a super comfy spot and he doesn't care that he's only over on one side. :)

I can change the subject - I'm in Houston and we have a projected Cat. 3 (possibly 4) hurricane headed our way to hit on Saturday. Yay!

Kelli

I have to say I am wearing the cutest natural colored wedge heels in the world today! I wish I had a cute picture to show everyone, but I am not that special. Okay, sorry to change the subject to that whore britney, but has anyone heard the birth weight of the baby yet? I have heard that a lot of the stars get either induced, or have a planned c-section up to 4 weeks early to avoid those last stretch marks!! how selfish and thoughtless! is this true? I thought someone in here would know. I'll bet she did. stupid girl

maricar

Thanks for the email reply Amy. I totally am in love with you now. Well, if I was a clam-digger. But I'm loving my Dansko shoes from Nordy's. They keep my footsies happy while I stand for over 6 hours on the job. Love love love them.

HipMamaB

YES! You need to get a fun pedi - maybe a bright color or a flower - to use as your "focal point" while pushing! ;) At least that was my excuse to have someone rub my feet for 20 minutes at 39 weeks!

GOOD LUCK! OHHH, I'm excited for all the newborn baby love you are going to get!!! WHHEEE!

poobou

No cute shoes today. Am currently on my 3rd week or so of unemployment. It's a miracle if I even put on a bra before 3 p.m. these days. I have given myself a nice little pedicure, though. (Seeing as I have all this free time...)

Thank god for the Internet. Now you can have a Mommy Drive-By before you even have a baby! Yippee!

C

I totally wanted to give a piece of assvice because I thought to myself: now self, that would be funny.

But then I realized, I don't know shit about babies or being pregnant - and who said ignorance wasn't bliss?

Elizabeth

I had to hunt down and read the comment left by Sandra. Using her logic, as long as you hold yourself out for presents, you are obligated to put up with whatever rude officiousness a potential gift-giver chooses to offer. I think this means that if you have a baby or wedding shower, people who are invited can promptly call you up and tell you all the things you ought to do to re-arrange your life to their satisfaction.

Your belly is impressive. Here's some advice (haha): get a nice long massage after babalah arrives because your poor little back muscles must have gotten a work out supporting the belly for so many months. Ooh, while you're at it, have your toes painted too. Heck, go wild, get a manicure and a scalp treatment! That's the kind of advice Amalah needs.

Pegomh

Its still hot as hell in Texas but I need a new Coach purse. And I need direction on WHICH Coach purse from the Babalah's Mama. I will be retiring the magical scribble boxy tote to ebay and searching for... tell me, oh shopping Queen of Everything. Are you still keen on the patchwork or should I keep it simple with black?

Peyton

YES! I AM WEARING CUTE SHOES! OK, now that I have your attention. I promise, I really am wearing cute shoes. I went shopping this weekend in Atlanta and bought two pair of awesome, kick-butt Calvin Klein pumps with 4-inch heels. My favorite pair is the red pair with a rounded toe. They are a thing of beauty.

Meanwhile, holy large belly! You look fantastic...you will be one of those women who has lost all of their baby weight within 6 weeks, I predict. You go, girl! :-)

Lori2

I was wearing my black snakeskin Charles David pumps w/ the buckle on the front (about 7 years old so probably hopelessly outdated, but since I bought them full price I feel like I NEED to wear them as much as possible) when I went to court this morning, but immediately upon returning to the office changed to red suade Camper tennis shoes (I'm 7 months pregnant and need to wear comfortable clothes & shoes)...

Hed

That's EXACTLY what my belly looked like. Mine definitely preferred one side, and hung out there a lot. Good news is, it won't be lopsided for long.

-H

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