The Thing About Assvice
Home Implosion, Part Infinity

All Belly, All the Damn Time

Oh Internet, I had such grand ideas for today's post -- we have artwork and a-fancy paintin' type things in the nursery now, and lo, it is gorgeous and very ready for the Prince of Everything's debut. My mother-in-law? Scary, scary talented. And patient. And not asking me to help at all, which is the best part.

I took pictures this morning but...well, I am an idiot who forgot to turn on the flash. So I have pictures of shadows and things which are not at all interesting.

Here's a preview, courtesy of the one photo that actually came out, kind of.


So instead of nursery photos and some hilarious commentary about me stenciling leaves (yes), repainting our bathroom (no), and pouring spoiled milk into everyone's morning coffee because I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE THE CURDLES (yes), I will post some belly pictures, because THOSE came out just fine.

Jason took these last night, when my belly looked especially pointy and lopsided.



There really isn't any way to describe the feeling of having a full-sized, actual infant inside you. Except impatience, because clearly, this kid is just freeloading at this point.

Then I took these this morning, just to give you the full, uncensored horror.



(Yes, there are stretch marks. Many, many stretch marks. But because I am a lousy photographer whose photos are never properly lit, you can't really see them here. But I won't deny their existence. Am so sexy I can hardly stand it.)

Completely unrelated addendum: Thursday's post turned out to be quite the barn-burner. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds! I tried to reply to everybody, but I failed miserably, as I think I burned out around email number...twelve, or something.

And the great thing? Out of those hundreds of emails? I got exactly two telling me where to stick my "ridiculously rude" or "completely unrealistic" opinions regarding reader advice. Oh, and one person who went back through my entries to find one with open comments just so she could slam me there, because she was determined like that. Heh.

So three people hate me now and will never read the site again. And hundreds (hundreds!) of you love me and all but ordered me to stop defending myself all the time.

(Which means I'm going to defend myself one last time.)

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #1: I got some emails from people apologizing for their comments when they did not need to apologize for their comments. And I felt mean and bad, because I didn't stress enough that there is a HUGE difference between saying "Hey, this was my experience" and saying "Hey, this was my experience and thus, the only way it should be done."

Sharing experiences is Good. We like sharing experiences. We are like Oprah, only with more cursing.

Not Good: judgement, scare tactics and a lack of respect for people who make different choices than you.

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE BACK-PEDALING #2: The worst offenders of my zero-assvice-tolerance policy did not leave comments. They emailed me directly. Emails that, when forwarded to other friends, ellicited the same toe-curling reaction of "who the fuck is this person and how can she possibly think this is helpful?" So while you may think that all of the comments left last Wednesday were fine and dandy, rest assured they were the tip of the "unless you do things this way, horrible, horrible things will happen" iceberg.

And while I can handle a few of those, once I start getting dozens and dozens of scary stories that make me feel completely trapped in at every angle and I don't even KNOW THESE PEOPLE and now my head is full of botched forceps deliveries and maternal hemorrhaging and GAH, anxiety attack, I simply have to draw the line and plead with the Internet to Make. It. Stop.

FRANTIC SELF-DEFENSE...wait, fuck that for this one. I am sick and tired of hearing the blah-blah-talkyspeak about how because I write things on the Internet and have a comments section, I should totally be okay with whatever people choose to say to me.

Maybe I should totally be okay with it. But guess what! I'm not. I'm sorry I'm not as big of a person as you think I should be, but maybe you'd rethink your position if you had to live a week with my email inbox and actually saw some of the stuff people say to me day after day.

Okay, I'm done now. I heart the Internet once again and will maybe think about not closing comments permanently after all.

Let's all talk about something else. Is anybody wearing any particularly cute shoes today?



Delurking today because I have especially cute shoes on today.
closed toe Black kitten heels with pink piping around top. A painted on pink wide eyed kitty on the toe. They are my fave.

I think you are a gorgeous mommy! Can't wait to see pictures of the new baby.

Sarah Holland

Ok I know we shouldn't be demanding things of the WAY pregnant lady but I really really want to see more pictures of the nursery. The beautiful tree limbs were a cruel tease. Make Jason take them!

Sarah Holland

Ok I know we shouldn't be demanding things of the WAY pregnant lady but I really really want to see more pictures of the nursery. The beautiful tree limbs were a cruel tease. Make Jason take them!


the nursery looks gorgeous... and you look amazing... and screw anyone who sends you nasty emails - this is not required reading or commenting? (except for your fanbase!)

well feel good... keep your feet up!


You are so pregnant now. Time just flies by now doesn't it? And it will continue too, so please, take to heart what us moms always, always say...savor every single moment you have with your baby boy. It's stupid (and I hated it when people told me the same when I was pregnant or a new mom), but they really do grow up way too quickly.
We're done at two and it never fails that I'm the one at the party carrying around a friends newborn. Or even just an aquaintances.
And I'm the one that was not a baby person!


I guess that was assvice...sorry.

Lisa B

Ok Miss Amalah, since I stay at home and have no money for cute shoes I'm going to ask you something totally stupid.... Do you know a couple named Karina and Dave? They live in DC in one of those fancy-schmancy neighborhoods you talked about in a previous post. Can't remember which one. I just saw a reception invite with their return addresss and thought of you. The reason I ask is that Karina seems to know and be friends with everyone in DC and even in New York and Rhode Island.

You probably don't. I know it is a huge place and all but sometimes its a small world. Example: We got some paperwork from a financial company because we'd paid off our second mortgage. They send someone else's paperwork. Upon looking at it, we realized we knew the people named on said paperwork -- my hubby worked with the guy for 5 years about a decade ago. Apparently, they had a second mortgage and paid theirs off too. So that's why I ask...

Lisa B

And nursery looks so adoreable. And no fair for having skinny arms and legs! You obviously did not eat nearly as many pudding cups with hot fudge sundae chasers as I did when I was pregnant. Heehee.


Shoe story of the day.

My 17 year old son comes home wearing pink flip flops. Apparently a girl he likes in school traded him shoes for the day so they could walk a mile in each others shoes.

Lisa V

Jeez- 108 comments- you are a damn rock star!

"I'm not as big a person as you think I should be" Honey, yes you are. I've seen the photos.

Luck, love and all of it. A truly wonderful birthday for your beloved baby boy. Can't wait to see his lovely little face.


Rahn - that is SO cute about switching shoes. Not sure why, but it made go, "awwwww!"


typo - supposed to say, it made ME go "awwwwww!"


Keeping you in my thoughts, no cute shoes today though. I wore some great heels over the weekend, got tons of complements and blisters so I'm done for the week.

Rahn, your son is completely precious.


Amy, it's safe to say that I like almost everyone else that reads your BRILLIANT blog, heart you.

Also, the nursery? I. LOVE. IT!!!! Love it!

Heehee, am glad that was not the only pregnant woman with a HUGE belly!


Apple green fluevog slingback flats that are the only out-of-the-house shoes for the feet attached to my 7 months pregnant body.

But previous fluevog posting-people - no thanks for the link to the fluevog site. You have given me my first shallow-person pang of 12 months maternity leave = no money = no cute shoes. (the new ones are cuter than my old ones!) At least here in the UK, they pay you for 6 weeks properly, and then let you have another 46 weeks with almost no/no pay. Better than what US future mommies have to look forward to, I suppose.

Is it 52 weeks off = no job?


I tried the foundation+brush trick today - BRILLIANT!! Never has my makeup blended so easily and flawlessly - even if it is cheap-arse Rimmel (AU$15, but the colour and added sunscreen make it a winner).

Als, i do not understand this love of 'flip flops' (aka 'thongs' here) - they just hurt my poor toes. At least pretty strappy heels are worth the pain.


No snazzy shoes...trying, in vain, to make summer last longer....thus vain, to extend sandal wearing a *wee bit* longer.

TREE on ceiling = SO NICE!
ever increasing belly = round and beautiful!

Thank you so much for being you and simply taking the time to share some of your stuff with us. The world can be a big boring place, and I, like many others, have a few little niches that make me smile.

Amalah = fun little niche that makes my day just a little better.


My shoes are not cute. Their cuddly.

And your belly? Is FINALLY bigger than mine. That's quite an accomplishment.

Lisa Ann

I'm not wearing them yet but I did buy some totally fab shoes over the weekend.


I am SOOO ungirly.. I dont care about shoes or purses...

But, wait.. I do like make up.. does that work?

As for peeps scaring you .. pfffftt.. I worked in the nursery at the hospital for the past few months..and I saw tons and tons of beautiful babies delivered in all different ways.. C-section, suction, forceps.. etc.. bla blah blah .. point is.. babies are babies.. you are going to love it in every way shape or for.. and it will be beeyoooteeful. :D

So pfft on the negative peeps..

Hmm I am going to be wearing Reeboks to the Dr.s office.. yeah .. back to the ... "I'm not a shoes type person"

Sowwy :(



Oh honey.... Wow. Your belly. Just wow.

This doesn't make you feel any better I know, but......


Her Ladyship

First off: eff the assvice-givers. I know, you're way ahead of me there, but if it's any consolation, you have been more than gracious to them and given them far more consideration and thought most people would have done in your shoes.

Second: cutest nursery ever! Stenciling requires a steady hand, I'm impressed. It looks gorgeous.

Third: Damn girl. You need to save these photos to lord over bubalah's head when he becomes a surly teen; everyone's gotten the "I carried you and I own you" lecture from their mother, but you my dear deserve a special dispensation.


Who the hell is telling the cutest pregnant person in. the. world, about delivery horror stories like that?

#1 - You never, never, ever tell stories like that to a first time pregnant person on the verge of giving birth.

#2 - You never, never, ever tell stories like to any pregnant person.

#3 - I cannot believe how you are carrying that baby! I kinda wish I carried that beautifully. I was all over pregnant, which is not cute in the least.

#4 - Love the nursery (what I can see).

Rest up, and have that baby soon!

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