36 Weeks. And Also, Poop.
How to Drive a Pregnant Woman to a Sobbing, Hysterical Breakdown in Three Easy Steps

He Said, She Said, They Said, You Said

Since comments for yesterday's post turned into an impromptu "guess the birthday" game, I figure it's time for the inevitable Official Guess When I Will Give Birth and What Size Child I Will Pass Through My Vagina Entry.

BUT FIRST:

Also from yesterday's comments: "you must share you pregnancy fitness plan with us."

Fit...ness? Plan? Pregnancy? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

No, seriously, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

My entire fitness regimen began and ended with the purchase of a prenatal yoga video in the first trimester. I put it on once, only to read a warning that said if "you are still in the first trimester and suffering from morning sickness, it is advised that you not perform these exercises." 

Well! Who am I to ignore a warning like that?  I gleefully stopped the tape and parked my ass back on the couch. And then never hit the play button ever again.

Basically: I haven't excercised at all beyond walking the dog and climbing the stairs to my condo, and I've eaten whatever I've wanted and as much as I've wanted, and most of what I've wanted has been doughnuts, ice cream and other evil processed foods high in carbs and trans fats. So clearly, that's the key to staying small and snowglobe-belly-like during pregnancy, and I heartily endorse this method.

ANYWAY. NOW THAT Y'ALL PROBABLY HATE ME VERY MUCH NOW:

Let's play the guessing game thing. Leave a comment guessing the baby's birthdate, time of birth (am/pm) and weight. At some point, I assume this child WILL be born, and then I will figure out who came the closest with their guess and send them a prize of some sort.

(And unlike the Focking Swag contest that I never, ever picked a winner for because I accidentally lost all the swag, I promise to actually FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS ONE, although probably not promptly, because HELLO, there will be an infant attached to my boob for awhile.)

To make it easier, I'll share the official opinions of a whole fleet of various pregnancy experts:

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

My due date is September 26.

I SAY:

Unless this was some kind of immaculate conception, my due date is September 28.

THE INTERNET SAYS:

Less than 5% of women actually deliver on their due date.

OUR WAITRESS THE OTHER NIGHT SAYS:

Wow, that kid must weigh nine pounds already.

MY COWORKERS SAY:

Do you think they'll induce you early? Because he's so big?

MY MOM SAYS:

I weighed 7 pounds, 13 ounces.

JASON'S MOM SAYS:

He weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces.

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

I'm measuring completely average and that I just look big because I'm carrying out in front and am overall, quite wee. The only way I'll have a huge baby is if I go late, which he promises he won't let happen.

MY MUCUS PLUG SAYS:

Am. Not. Budging. Can't. Make. Me.

MY UTERUS SAYS:

Time for a contraction! Ha! Painful motherfucker, huh?  And here's another! Or is it just gas? I'll never tell! Whee!

MY OB NURSE SAYS:

I've dropped.

MY MAILMAN SAYS:

Girl, that baby is LOW. Shit, you gonna have him any day now.

MY BLADDER SAYS:

GET THIS CHILD'S SHOULDERBLADES OFF ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

THE INTERNET SAYS:

OMFG! You've totally dropped! He's coming SOON!

GUY IN LINE AHEAD OF ME AT STARBUCKS SAYS:

You go first! And then go sit down! I will bring you your Frappuccino! When were you due? Yesterday?

JASON SAYS:

You are so not lasting another four weeks.

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

Dropped? No. His head is still way too high and your cervix is closed and not effacing at all. Calm down.

I SAY:

Oh my God, I'm going to be pregnant until Halloween.

Comments

martha

September 30, 9:45 a.m. 7 lbs. 10 oz.

gailey

September 22, 4:27 a.m. 7lbs 1 oz.

dazed

September 27, 3:35 p.m. 8lbs, 1oz.

RockStar Mommy

I HATE when people get you all excited to have the baby early. My Dr told me I'm ready to pop any second now - that was Tuesday. And ever since Tuesday, I've been waiting to pop but THERE IS NO POPPING! No matter what I do, I just will not pop. I'm thinking of calling him up and bitching him out for making this the longest 3 days of my life. Except of course for the last 2 weeks of my last pregnancy, which they also told me I was ready to pop at any minute, and then I went into labor on my due date, making that the longest 2 weeks of my life.

The only labor remedy I have yet to try is the castor oil. And I just don't think I have it in me to do something like that. Plus? I'm totally afraid it would make me go to the bathroom while giving birth - and I don't care who says what, that SO aint happening!

Sarah King

October 1st 11:30 am 8lbs 3oz

ktbug

September 29th, 8:14am, 7 lbs. 12 1/2 oz.

RockStar Mommy

And after all that, I'm gonna guess. HA!

September 19th, 6:52 PM

I'd mark your calendar if I were you.

Andrea S.

September 20; 2:48 a.m.; 8 lbs, 12 oz.

Frank

Hi Amy! My guess is September 30 11:45AM and will weigh in at 7lbs 15Oz. Good luck and congratulations

Pratt

Sept.18th -8 lbs. 4 oz.

Lori

September 23
11:13 PM
8 lbs

My brother's bday. Because that matters.

PaintingChef

September 24, 4:19 p.m.
7 pounds, 6 ounces.

sharryp

My guess is 7lbs. 10 oz.
September 30, 2005
1:30 PM

You look terrific. Hang in there.

Jamila

September 21, 9:30 pm.
7 lbs, 7 oz.

bird

September 29
5:43 a.m.
7pds 3 ozs

Amanda

Since you're due only minutes after I went in to labor with mine, I'll guess the same time/weight/etc:

Sept 29, 12:33 AM
8 lbs, 13 oz

You could even name him Alexander - sounds great with Storch!

Jenny

October 2, 8 lbs. 6 oz.

blackbird

de-lurking to say
September 17th
6:04 pm
8pds 3 oz.

Angela

September 21, 5:30 am, 8 lbs 5 oz.

Have a good weekend!

Kate

Sept. 29, whatever time he decides to come out
8 lbs. 2 oz.

kathy

September 27. 8 lbs, 1 oz. 11:42 p.m.

Ms Meh

Damnit, blackbird! I was going to say my birthday/time/weight (9/17, 845pm, 9 lb, 1 oz)!!

Okay.

September 18
5:08 am
8 lbs 3 oz

And if you get tired of waiting, get a burrito from Austin Grill in Glover Park. It worked for Ali Wentworth (Mrs. George Stephanopoulos )... twice.

A "tired of waiting" story: My sister in law's due date was 12/21. So everyone got all this cute "Baby's First Christmas" stuff and presents for the baby from Santa... she had a C-section on 12/28. Pregnant again, due in February. So much for being overzealous about a pre-Christmas baby!

Frema

My totally uneducated guess:

Friday, September 16

2:48 p.m.

8 lbs 12 oz.

This is just like The Price Is Right!

The Muse

September 27. 4:05am. 7lbs. 3oz.

Jessie

I'm going to guess September 22nd at 7am, and he'll weigh 6 lbs. 8 oz.

Sara

Amy, how much did your MIL's first baby weigh?

Sara

The reason I asked my above question was because I weighed 7 lbs 13 oz and my husband weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. So I was prepared to have about that size of baby, right? My daughter came out 9 lbs oz! My MIL's first baby was 9 lbs 4 oz. Damn her!

kentucky_kitty

I predict that Squishalah will make his grand entrance on September 25th, around noon, and tip the scales at 9 pounds 9 ounces.

But then again ... I was due April 30th, and Mom didn't start labor until midnight May 10th. I showed up at 6 pm May 12th. First babies are so much fun!

Big Important Question: How are we gonna know that you are on your way to the hospital?? I'm sure that updating your site will be the furthest thing on your mind at that point...

Martha

Dang, I bought the same DVD and did the same thing.

My due date is 9/18 and they just told me Tuesday that the estimated fetal weight RIGHT NOW is 8 lbs 3 oz. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

No budging of plugs, no dropping, no nothing going on around here except sleeplessness and aches and pains.

If you have that baby before I have mine, you suck. I realize that's a bit harsh, as I have only started reading your blog and am a complete and total stranger, but I'm a desperate woman here...

Best wishes for relief for both of us! And a return to pretty, pretty waists.

Kelly

I'll say:
October 2, 2005
10:50pm

I won't hazard a guess to weight but I'll hope for small, slippery and fast. ;)

warcrygirl

November 11th cuz that's my birthday.

HA! Kidding.

I'm going to say Sept 24 (cuz I went two days before my due date) and since I'm guess you're NOT a morning person I'll say you'll pop at 4:57 am.


Okay, that's Sept 24, 4:57 am, 8 lbs 1 oz.

It isn't always what YOU weighed at birth; it's also what your parents weighed. AFTER you give birth I will share my story with you.

sam

September 30th, 8lbs 1oz!

briar

September 18th, 6:46 PM. 8lbs 1.5 oz.

Manda

hmm.
I guess September 21, 6:37am. 8lbs 5oz.

LCA

September 24, 12:01 p.m., 8 lbs, 6 oz.

I wish I commented here more often. I read constantly but the fact that I am at work deters me from commenting. But I think I no longer care.

That, or I'm selfish and I want a prize.

Corie

LOL@Kelly That was great.
Delurking as well.. I'm going to guess September 26, 7lbs, 2oz.

tom

Sept. 21 (a wednesday), at 3:20 (ish) PM, weighing in (out?) at 7 lbs. 13 oz. (how many ounces in a pound? is that too many? ok, 7lb. 13 oz. or equivalent)

Good luck! ;)

Diana

Sept. 26th, 3:35 a.m.

8 lbs. 2 oz.

I had Billy on my due date, and you can too! Just let your natural bossy nature come through and start lecturing your stomach right away about the need for things to stay on schedule. It worked for me!

ginger

Sept. 19, I have no idea what time, but it's the full moon, and that's apt, right?

I'm guessing a midsize baby, at 7 lb. 6 oz.

Lisa Ann

-September 22nd
-just after midnight
-7 lbs, 7 oz

can't wait to find out if i'm right.

good luck!!

Heather

Hmm. September 23rd. 7am-ish. 7 pounds, 6 ounces.

JenE

September 14th 4:17 p.m. 7 lb. 6 oz.

lissa

Babalah says "i'm never coming out!! ever!"

but I say sept. 25 3:35 am 8 lbs 12 oz. lets hope i'm right.

cai

You: Sept. 21 3:40am
Britney: Sept. 22 7:30 am

You win! In so many ways!

Nola

I think it's fairly obvious you're going to try and um, "steal my thunder".
September 17th, late at night, 7 lbs.
And YES, I will be pissed.

lakeline

September 19th, 1:13am, 8 lbs. 3 oz.

Laura B

September 25 at 10:30 am, 7 lbs 2 oz

Sheryl

Because 1st babies never want to come out:
October 3rd, 11:00am, 8lbs.

megan

September 25, 6:52am, 8lbs, 6oz

Good luck!

Amy

September 17th
10:00AM
8 pounds 5 oz.


I don't want to scare you in to thinking that I think that you'll have an early delivery, but I'm just "playing the odds" like Price Is Right and comparing to other's guessings, etc. GOOD LUCK!

Minarae

September 23rd, 1:34pm, 8 lbs, 3 oz

And just for shits and giggles, I was due on April 15th and was born on May 5th....and since I was a gigantor baby (9 lbs, 9oz, 23 inches long) everyone joked she gave birth to a month old baby. And she did it without drugs! Crazy woman, my mother.

Sarah

Sept. 20 3:20 am, 7lbs :)

I have no clue how to guess these things, I just wanted in on the fun!

Lori

September 14, 8:18a.m., 8 lbs. 4 oz. 21.5"

But for your bladder's sake, I hope it's sooner.

Hugs!

Diana

September 20, 2005
7lbs, 11oz.
and absolutely gorgeous!

Ginger

Mark my words:
September 27, 11:42 am. 8 lbs and 6 ozs.

Joy Hayworth

You could paint your tummy and go as a pumpkin if you are still pregnant on Halloween.

Yeah, not helping=Me.

I went past my due date, and it wasn't funny to me, either.

Therefore, I must say a delivery date of Oct 1. Because I'm sick like that. I will hope for sooner though!

Robyn

I predict.......you will NOT go into labor on your due date, but after....maybe even induced. I'm feeling good about the 28th of September..... baby will weigh right about 7 pounds (at the most). I remember last time I was pregnant, and going to the grocery store and having the 15 year old bagger chick snicker "That's only one baby!! Oh my God - you are sooo big!" She kept talking out to the car, unloaded the groceries, and strangely, that was the last time she was ever seen, ALIVE. People are weird and never know when to shut up about the whole big pregnant thing. The funny thing is, that people always seem so mortified, and you will still get even bigger!! You feel like a circus freak show towards the end!

stephanie

September 28... 7:11AM... 7 lbs 4 oz.

spammit

October 5th, and you'll be so hating on me when I'm right. Will I feel bad? Not a bit - you are way too cute for being pregnant bitch. :^)

Kirsten

OMG you're too funny. My co-worker's daughter-in-law is due the same week as you as is my ex-niece, and they're both HUGE as well. I think that the baby will come when he's ready. My first (and only) child was a boy .. and 5 days early.

I say September 23 3:03 am
7 lbs, 8 oz

Amy Beth

I will say September 29th at 2pm because that's my anniversary and the time we got married.

As far as weight and whatnot...I have NO idea. Because you are wee, I will say 8lbs and 22 inches long.

Good luck!

zanie

Let's see...

September 22

7:35 a.m.

8 lbs 7 oz.

drea

Now, see, because I was born on my due date, but only half an hour into the day, we're going with that.

September 26th.
12:35am
8lb, 7oz.

Good luck with that whole mucus plug thing. When I was a kid, our neighbor across the street went into labor when she was on the toilet. Fun Stuff, I tell you what.

lex

September 22, 10:30pm, 8lbs 2 oz

Annie

September 16th 1:41 PM 8 lbs, 2 oz
And don't forget to take notes during birth, we want the story as only you can tell it.

Liz in Maryland

I say September 24th, 8:30 AM. 7lbs. 12 oz.

That's when my daughter turns 13, only she was 6lbs 11 oz and I think your baby looks bigger!

sommer

sept 30th (also my birthday, so you can see why i'm picking it) 2:45 am 9 lbs.

Bonanza Jellybean

Monday, October 3

12:45-1:00 pm (I am in no way psychic enough to get it down to the damn minute)

7 lbs. 14 oz.

Trish

September 18th, 1:18 am, 8 lbs.

Keisha

September 30 at 3:30PM
Weight 7lbs 9oz

anna

September 30 - 5:15am
weighing around 8lb 2oz

Jenn

September 30th, 3:45 am, 7 lbs 5 oz.

Micki

Delurking...you crack me up and I love, love, love the hair advice.

Anyway...

September 29
12:47am
6 lbs 15 ozs

My son was 9 lb 14 oz, born the day before my due date!

Ashley

September 29, 2005
10:57am
9 lbs 1oz

Amytoo

Hmmmm...

2:11 a.m.
Sept. 23
7 lbs. 7 oz.

Why? Total SWAG (that would be "scientific wild-ass guess").

No babies for me so I can't even use that. My mom said I was two weeks early. But at 8 lbs. 4 oz.? Methinks doc figured wrong.

Lindsay

de-lurking to say:

september 25th
early morning
7lbs. 9oz.

dawn

Sept. 27. 6 lb, 14 oz. Time? Hmph. My guess is that contractions (the real ones!) start when you'll be standing in the returns line at IKEA. I'll say he's a noontime baby, though. :)

Nicole

I don't give a rat's ass about the Guessing Game. I'm just Pissed OFF that you've stayed small and wee while eating donuts. Shit man. I ate cake and gained, like, 35 pounds. I'm 5'3". So basically, I hate you and your Donut-And-Not-Cake secret. (But I went 10 days early. Maybe it was the cake?)

Boozie

I hope I'm not guessing someone else's guess, but I say 9/21 at 6:48am, 7lbs 2oz.

Good luck :)

Kevin

de-lurking as well..

Spet. 15
5:37 AM
7 lbs. 6 oz.

Jen

Ok, I'm gonna say Sept. 13th at about hmmmmm
how about 7:03 am?

Totally random and uneducated guess.

Amanda

October 3, 2005 at 6:36pm
7 lbs. 10 oz.

Oz's Mom

Hmmm... Sept 13, 9:00am, 8 lb 5 oz.

Incredimom

September 14
7 pounds 11 ounces
19 3/4" long
:)

Kathleen

October 1, 12:30 AM, 8 pounds 2 ounces

And yeah, I'm wondering about the labor too... will you have a guest blogger? Mayhaps Martha can take over and tell us? And give us a room number for to send flowers to?

C

I'll be working my baby guessing mojo now - October 3rd, 7lbs 13oz

Hilary

Sept. 27th 6:46 p.m. 7lbs 9 oz

alfredsmom

My guess:

Saturday September 24th, 10:51 pm
6 lbs. 9 oz.

jamielynnlynn

Ok. First of all, anyone who is saying you're going to have a baby over 9lbs is MEAN AS SHIT. Second, I hate how the comment box moves as I am typing and I have to back up to read the end of every line. Third and Finally, my guess for Little Man Squishy is:

September 27, 10:20am and 7lbs 5oz.

Don't forget to stick post-its all over Jason during labor. Catch all that, you know, joy and glory and excitement of childbirth. Or something like that. THE INTERNET WANTS TO KNOW!!! :)

Sarah Holland

September 26

7 lbs 15 oz.

mmc

I'll guess Oct. 1. I guess 7-14. No dice on time, though.

Both my sons were late, the first one day, the second 10 days....then induced. People told me from about 7.5 mo. that I wouldn't make it to the due dates. Time will tell.

As for the "fitness plan" it's almost completely about genetics here. I carry as you do, can eat whatever I want, and only gained 24 lbs. with each son. They were both approaching 10 lbs. (which is between what my hubs and I were born at - but wWAY toward his #0

capello

Both of my children were evicted, and I do not wish that on you. My guess...

Sept. 29th, 10:13 pm, 7lbs, 13 ounces

gwen

September 29th
12:17am
9 lbs 2 oz

Sorry for the huge weight, but I was so "small and petite" (say the midwives) and it was guessed that my little guy would be 7 lbs. Maybe 8 (going by the ultrasound). HAHA 9 lbs 6 ozs. And the response? Well, we're either really close or WAY off. No kidding.

Cindy

De-lurking for a guess..

Sept. 22
2:36 p.m.
8 lbs 6 oz


Jen W

I'll guess for the due date, September 26, purely because it's my mom's birthday. Weight? Hmmm...even though every seems to think your boy loks huge, it's probably only in comparison to your tiny self.
7 lbs, 3 oz.
Time? He might be a night owl, say 1 or 2 in the morning.

Laura

9/24/05
7 lbs, 5 ounces
11:14 a.m.

Zoe

Damn, some of your commenters are mean expecting that you'll go past your due date. So my guess will be September 19th, 10.27pm, 8lbs 3oz.

I also think it will be a boy...Shit, wait, did we already do that one?

Does anyone else think that if you read the word September over and overagain it begins to lose all meaning?

Magpie

Damn, someone beat me to the pumpkin commment.

I call October 3, 4:17 PM, 7 lbs., 2 oz.

cheryl b.

Sept. 26th at 7:52 AM and about, say 7 lbs 2 oz.
You are so cute you make me all verpy.

missbanshee

Let's see...Monsieur Squishypants will emerge from your hoo-ha on...

Sept.30
2:12 pm
7 lbs, 11 oz.

And he will be super-nice to Mamalah and give her a nice easy (ha!) labor with no ghastly things like tears and stitches and such. Behave, little man!

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