36 Weeks. And Also, Poop.
How to Drive a Pregnant Woman to a Sobbing, Hysterical Breakdown in Three Easy Steps

He Said, She Said, They Said, You Said

Since comments for yesterday's post turned into an impromptu "guess the birthday" game, I figure it's time for the inevitable Official Guess When I Will Give Birth and What Size Child I Will Pass Through My Vagina Entry.

BUT FIRST:

Also from yesterday's comments: "you must share you pregnancy fitness plan with us."

Fit...ness? Plan? Pregnancy? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

No, seriously, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

My entire fitness regimen began and ended with the purchase of a prenatal yoga video in the first trimester. I put it on once, only to read a warning that said if "you are still in the first trimester and suffering from morning sickness, it is advised that you not perform these exercises." 

Well! Who am I to ignore a warning like that?  I gleefully stopped the tape and parked my ass back on the couch. And then never hit the play button ever again.

Basically: I haven't excercised at all beyond walking the dog and climbing the stairs to my condo, and I've eaten whatever I've wanted and as much as I've wanted, and most of what I've wanted has been doughnuts, ice cream and other evil processed foods high in carbs and trans fats. So clearly, that's the key to staying small and snowglobe-belly-like during pregnancy, and I heartily endorse this method.

ANYWAY. NOW THAT Y'ALL PROBABLY HATE ME VERY MUCH NOW:

Let's play the guessing game thing. Leave a comment guessing the baby's birthdate, time of birth (am/pm) and weight. At some point, I assume this child WILL be born, and then I will figure out who came the closest with their guess and send them a prize of some sort.

(And unlike the Focking Swag contest that I never, ever picked a winner for because I accidentally lost all the swag, I promise to actually FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS ONE, although probably not promptly, because HELLO, there will be an infant attached to my boob for awhile.)

To make it easier, I'll share the official opinions of a whole fleet of various pregnancy experts:

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

My due date is September 26.

I SAY:

Unless this was some kind of immaculate conception, my due date is September 28.

THE INTERNET SAYS:

Less than 5% of women actually deliver on their due date.

OUR WAITRESS THE OTHER NIGHT SAYS:

Wow, that kid must weigh nine pounds already.

MY COWORKERS SAY:

Do you think they'll induce you early? Because he's so big?

MY MOM SAYS:

I weighed 7 pounds, 13 ounces.

JASON'S MOM SAYS:

He weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces.

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

I'm measuring completely average and that I just look big because I'm carrying out in front and am overall, quite wee. The only way I'll have a huge baby is if I go late, which he promises he won't let happen.

MY MUCUS PLUG SAYS:

Am. Not. Budging. Can't. Make. Me.

MY UTERUS SAYS:

Time for a contraction! Ha! Painful motherfucker, huh?  And here's another! Or is it just gas? I'll never tell! Whee!

MY OB NURSE SAYS:

I've dropped.

MY MAILMAN SAYS:

Girl, that baby is LOW. Shit, you gonna have him any day now.

MY BLADDER SAYS:

GET THIS CHILD'S SHOULDERBLADES OFF ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

THE INTERNET SAYS:

OMFG! You've totally dropped! He's coming SOON!

GUY IN LINE AHEAD OF ME AT STARBUCKS SAYS:

You go first! And then go sit down! I will bring you your Frappuccino! When were you due? Yesterday?

JASON SAYS:

You are so not lasting another four weeks.

MY DOCTOR SAYS:

Dropped? No. His head is still way too high and your cervix is closed and not effacing at all. Calm down.

I SAY:

Oh my God, I'm going to be pregnant until Halloween.

Comments

Maria

Hmm! I'll take Sept 27th at 7:40 am, and the gorgeous one will weigh 8lbs 20z.

BTW, you are looking seriously good.

When I had my first baby, people were like "sooooo, you're due any second now?", and I was horrified, because I was only entering my 7th month. BTW, I'm a very tall 5ft nothing, and so gaining even a couple of pounds REALLY show...

leandra

September 25, 8lbs 3oz at 11:30am. Good luck to you! :)

jomama

September 26, 8:43 a.m., 8 lbs 2 oz

Dawn

October 10. 6:00 p.m. 8lbs, 8 oz.

Junebug

Delurking to give my "professional opinion"... Sept. 12th, 4:36pm, 7lb 6oz.
Relurking. :)

Pam

September 29, 4:15am
7 lb 8 oz, 20" long, with all parts accounted for...

Had wild pregnancy-hormonal sex (YOU WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH AS MUCH AS THE BED!!) one night late in my pregnancy, and went into labor four hours later. And the nurses could tell. After examining me, they were all chuckling to each other.

Real Girl

Ooh! Guessing game!

Sept. 30, 9:30 PM. 9lbs, 2 oz.

Also? It will be an easy labor. Because you're eating everything and gaining nothing and clearly you've either been blessed by some unknown being...or you've made a deal with the Baby Devil. Also known as Minfantstopheles.

Lisa B

My guess -- Sept. 27 at 1:57 p.m. weighing in at 8 pounds and 1 oz.

TINIDINI

My guess is:

September 20
7:35 pm
7 lbs 13 oz

Kelli

okay, I have to delurk to say:
Sept 18th
7 lbs 12 oz
3:21 a.m.

JuJuBee

Damn, I am not going back to read all of those guesses, so if I use one somebody already used? O-well, I lose...

Sept. 9
8:38 am
6 lb. 9 oz.

JuJuBee

I meant Sept. 19th

Shell

I'm delurking to say

September 30, 10:20 am

7 lbs, 10oz

good luck!

Ronda

I just recently discovered this site, and making my way through the archives, love it!

September 20, 11:45am

8 lbs 2 oz

Ang

I guess 7 lb. 14 oz. arriving 5am Sep. 30.

Fizz

Another de-lurker:

Sept 25th, 3:33pm, 8lbs 4oz. Super fast labor.

Love the blog, though it's introduced me to pregnancy fears I never even dreamed of (pooping during labor...eeewwww!!). I look forward to the post-babalah-birth entries!

baseballmom

I say September 22
at 6:25 am
8lb, 10oz.

Nicole

September 16th, 2:37pm, 7lbs 9oz.

callistawolf

I say:

September 19, 7:42pm, 7lbs 5oz.

:)

Shannon

My guess:

September 25th, 7:28 am, 7lbs 8oz.

crystal

september 18th, 5:42 a.m., 8lbs 2oz.

Richard & Stephene

Hi Amalah!

We say September 24th
5 AM (US time.)

7lbs 8 oz.

kerri

September 25th
6:35pm
7 lbs 4 oz.

cate

I guess I'll throw my two cents in. I'll guess Squish is born on September 30 at 8:21 am and his weight will be 7 lbs, 10 oz. Good luck!!

Jen

oops, totally forgot to add the weight to my post which I am cut and pasting and amending to add weight.
< how about 7:03 am?>> ***weight..let's say 7 lbs.***

Totally random and uneducated guess.


Posted by: Jen | Sep 2, 2005 2:03:13 PM

Jem

September 22nd, 8 pounds 2 ounces, although I know nothing about that 'cause I deal in kilograms.

Also...random time...6.32 AM. :)

Jen

Jeez...can't win, now I erased the date totally.
Time to call "do-over!"
Date: Sept. 13th
Time:7:03 a.m.
Weight: 7 Lbs

Final Answer!!!

That was exhausting. Now I want a Frappucino and I can't have one cuz it's 2 am. Insomnia is a crazy thing.

Kim

September 24, 6:53 am, 8 lbs 6 oz.

Good luck!

Melissa

September 17 at 8:52am and will weigh 7lbs 2oz.

Congrats and best of luck to you...

Steph

Sept 30th, 9:35pm, 8lbs 2oz

Kat

September 14, 2:30 AM, 8lbs even.

Lisa V

Sept 29th at 11:45 pm. 7lb 14 oz, with a taste for both expensive food and shoes.

Floyd

Okay, let's see...

I'm going to go with....just to be different I'll say -

October 1 at 4:15 am with the little love bucket come in at 8 lbs, 6 oz.

By the way, I was due on May 20 but born June 14th. My mother looked like beached whale - poor gal.

Starfruit

September 30, 8:35 pm, 7 lbs, 10 oz's

sar

29 Sep, 1930h -- 7 lb 13oz

whee!

Stacey_73

Personally, I’m with Martha in hoping for small, slippery and fast. As for when, as long as I get a photo of the three of you before the launch date (sorry, hubby has effectively corrupted my girly vocabulary in this instance, the joys of being wed to a nerd :P) I’m happy.

Though its been forever and you likely don’t remember, I’m the dork who emailed about the portrait gift. My email has been hosed, so I’m posting here as a last ditch effort. I GET email ( got your reply, thanks! :P) but everything I send is currently being bounced back. Clearly, the email Gods are wroth with me for not providing my monthly sacrificial offering of annoying neighbor...but I only have so much freezer space, yanno?

So! if you actually read this and are still interested, zap photos to the same addy and I'll get my ass to work.

... And if anyone pegs the guessing game exactly, I'll toss my hat into the reward bin and offer up a freebie portrait for the winner as well ;)

Now... POP already. Good lord it hurts just to look at you *winces*

Kate

September 25th
9:19AM
8lbs, 1oz.

Children born on the 25th are VERY SPECIAL.

At least that's what my parents tell me every year...

anne

september 21st
3:35am
7lbs, 14oz

honestyrain

september 28, 7:18 am. sorry about the 7:18 am because it'll mean you've been up all night but really, that's bound to happen no matter what. and also 7lbs 9oz.

Buggie

I say September 17 3:30 am. 7 lbs 3 oz. and adding 19 inches.

Angie

Sept. babies are awesome! Two of my Four were born in Sept. One on the 5th and one on the 17th.

So I'll predict Sept. 21. 6:35am. 7 lbs. 11 oz.

Kelly

I'm going to guess one month prior to Jenelle's birthday- so September 22, 2005 at 1:41 p.m.

Just thing, you are going to get even bigger! LOL Sorry!

Enjoy!

SallyinUK

September 26th, 8.45 pm 7lb 6 0z
Good luck!

Kitty

September 27th (since you and your doc can't agree, I'll take the date in the middle.)
Um, 5:06 pm and weighing 8lbs. 2 oz.

And of course I'm sending speedy delivery wishes to you (speedy and painless!).

Siobhan

Guess: September 27th at 6:47 p.m. 7 lb 14 ounces

I went into labor 2 days before my due date at 5 a.m., had him by 7:51 p.m. It was my first so that doesn't sound too bad except I had been 2 cm and 90% effaced since I was 36 weeks. So dialating doesn't mean shit. I had also lost my plug 2 weeks before so the docs kept saying "anyday now!" which made me want to kill them. I did start taking evening primrose oil 5 days before I went into labor and I had a very good labor pattern according to my docs. I never really had early labor, when I woke up my contractions were already 5 minutes apart and we went right to the hospital. Not sure if the EPO helped or not but you never know. I'm guessing Sept 27th since that will be my son's 2 month birthday and just for the heck of it I will guess his same weight since you look about how I did at 36 weeks, which is to say miserable and ready to pull the baby out yourself any minute. Good luck, I know it's hard now but if I can give you any advice it's to try and sleep as much as you can. My baby is almost 6 weeks and I haven't had more than 4 hours sleep at a time since before he was born. And I'm told that that is pretty good. But of course he's adorable so it's all worth it. Sorry for the gratitous pimping of my baby's cuteness but I'm a mom, I can't help it.

Amanda

September 27
7:44 a.m.
8 lbs. 4 oz.

:-)

Annie

September 21st, 9:43 p.m.

8 pounds, 9 ounces

Merrilee

September 30
7lbs 14 oz
and...it will hurt. (no. Really)

Elizabeth

September 29
12:21 p.m.
8 lbs. 1 oz.

I remember waking up on my side and realizing that my entire belly was laying on the bed next to me, like some alien pod.

Liz

I'll line you up with my wedding and put you at September 24th at 7:00pm. Um, 7.4. Very exciting!

Lucinda

Sept. 20
11:35am

8 lbs 5 oz.

tiffany

amalah--
i won't make any guesses as to when your baby will arrive. i'll let you be in charge of that.
i just figure i've read your blog enough times now--laughing my ass off almost the whole time--that it's time to say thanks for sharing.
you're an amazing writer and i hope everything goes well with the babalah.
if you're half as good at mommyhood as you are at the whole writing/being funny thing, then surely this will be a blessed child.
ok. i never say anything nice to anyone so i totally have to go now.

Franci

Hi Amalah,
weight depends on the new-born weight of You and dh combined, like an average.
As I am lacking these data, I don't want to make a guess.
Delivery time?
When Baby feels like coming and you are relaxed and confident enough, he will come out.
*please note that guesses for delivery time range between Sept 13 and Oct 5 - OMG, people!!!
it's almost a month's difference!

Rose

Oct 3, 4 am, 7 pounds, 1 ounce.

Penny

September 23rd (Bruce Springsteen's b-day, btw)
6:00am
7lbs, 8oz

mary ann

October 2, 12:45 PM, 8 lbs 8 ounces.

Saramnou

Delurking also just so I can get in on that offer Stacey made ;) if I hit it.( Man her stuff rocks)

Sep 21 7:05pm 7lb even

Best of luck, you are adorable and I love the site.

Sarah King

Has anybody thought of putting all these guesses on a spreadsheet in Excel for Amy's convenience? Then whenever she has the baby, recovers enough to care about a stupid guessing game and wnats to work out who was really closest to the average, she can add the true date, time and weight, subtract from the guesses, take number of days out times number of hours out times number of minutes out time number of pounds and ounces out and get a long list of massive numbers so she can stare in disbelief that she ever seriously considered rewarding internet people for being nosy and throws the whole idea away?

Did I just write that sentence? Amy, I apologise for going all Excel on yo' ass. Seriously though, if you like I offer my services as guess recorder, and I even offer to draw up a formula to calculate accuracy, based on the true details. If you like, just let me know.

I love numbers. Maths rock!

Lisa

September 24
2:48pm
7lbs 1 oz

junkie

September 27...8 lbs 3 oz

junkie

September 27, 2:30 am...8 lbs 3 oz

QueerFatGirl

My guess: Sunday, September 25th at 10:45pm, 8lbs. 2oz. :)

De

Dude, you so better not go before me! I've been effacing for WEEKS already. ahhh! I swear its going to be any day now... SO. MUCH. PRESSURE. bah.

My guess is, ummm, Sept. 25 at like 4:32 PM and he'll be like 7 lbs 14 oz.

kentucky_kitty

I can do the Excel spreadsheet if you want me to.. I've got the time, and I've got Excel. :) Let me know!

Amalah

Oh my god, anyone who plugs this into an Excel spreadsheet will automatically get a prize, and my undying love.

(I planning to Excel it up myself, but then 165 guesses later? It's looking like a bigger task than my dozen or so unsent thank-you notes.)

Oh, and to anybody who guessed a baby over 9 pounds and/or a birthdate past October 5? IS DEAD TO ME, FOR YOU ARE MEAN.

kentucky_kitty

What?? Prizes? Undying love?! Woohoo! I'm starting the spreadsheet now. If my boss will leave me alone I'll have it done by end-of-business today.

Juliedee

September 22... my son's b-day. At 6:12 AM, and he will weigh a perfect 7 lbs. 6 ozs.

Dana

September 24th; 1:05 p.m.; 7lbs., 11oz.

Theresa

Sept. 30th
5:35 pm
6 lbs. 12 ozs.
It will be a boy.

nanann

3:42 am on September 24th, weighing a wee 6 pounds 9.5 ounces.

Why? because that was the weight and time for my baby born here just August 24th (and yes, I'm also in disbelief that I'm on the internet b/c why? I'm exhausted and should be napping since she is napping. Also -- must eat lunch or shall perish, but that just sounds too tiresome to get up and put together, so instead just post on this).

Arwen

September 24, 10:23 pm

7 pounds, 11 ounces
20.5 inches long

Occidental Girl

October 4: 7 pm
8 lb. 9 oz.

Good luck!

Jen

I am going to guess my own birthdate, because I'm unoriginal:

September 25, 12:04 am, 8 lbs, 2 oz

Peyton

September 15, 7 lbs., 9 oz. For your sake, I hope he's early!

Katrina

...I'm going for September 23 at 4.20pm, weighing 7lb 13 oz - because they are my birthday stats too. :-D (Yeah, yeah, I know, but I couldn't help myself! ;-)

afrindiemum

because mine was born one year ago on september 28th at 2:30 p.m., weighing 6lbs, 8oz., that's my guess for you, too :)

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