He Said, She Said, They Said, You Said
In Which I Start To Think That Maybe Remodeling the Kitchen Was a Bad Idea

How to Drive a Pregnant Woman to a Sobbing, Hysterical Breakdown in Three Easy Steps

Step One: Deliver Pregnant Woman's new kitchen cabinets on a Friday. Deposit in dining room. Do not open, because what this place really needed was some more goddamn cardboard boxes.


Step Two: Tell Pregnant Woman you will demolish her old kitchen and install new cabinets on Tuesday. Which is today! Which means every item in her kitchen needs to move to the living room. Preferably, in boxes.


Step Three: Call Pregnant Woman and tell her that one of the new cabinets is cracked. And two are missing. Because the boxes? When they were delivered? Were not opened.

Begin discussing new-cabinet-ordering timeline that simply does not match up with her countdown-to-baby timeline and listen to her crumble in defeat.

For bonus points, tell her that her old cabinets have already been demolished.


You aren't blaming this one on me, bitch! At least you got your goddamn drawer already.





Bless the Pregnant Woman's heart.


At this point, I think you are the Very Pregnant Woman.

Did you happen to mention that your hormones are raging out of control because you're about to push a living human being from your nether regions?

Zoots Mom

You know, of course, that as a pregnant woman you are first in line for everything to go wrong. You do know it just comes with the territory, right? You condo looks very pretty, even with boxes in it. Life will be fine, if just a tad inconvenient, hang in there (I'm practicing for when this crap starts happening to Zoot)


When did the stretch marks start? Recently? Am at 29 weeks and furiously checking every day for them...


If it's any consolation, your IKEA drawer looks fucking fantastic...

Hang in there!


Ahhh man, Amalah, that stinks. Really really badly. Focus on the happy babalah, maybe that'll help. And on how cute you are! Those are all excellent happy things!

I hope the kitchen situation is resolved quickly! Can they at least install the unbroken cabinets?


E-gads...the infamous "nesting period" that I keep reading about. I am not looking forward to it-since we will be knee deep in the building of our new house when I get to that stage. Or we may be living with my in-laws. You never know.

And my best friend, still has NO KITCHEN sink. They started a kitchen remodel before their baby was born. The baby will be a year old in 2 weeks.

Good times.

Good luck to you and your little family. Don't worry-it will all come together!


I quite literally ERUPTED in stretch marks over the weekend. Which also made me cry, because EW. Am ruined. Like cheap IKEA furniture and my dreams of having a somewhat-together house in time for the baby.


Oh man, that cannot happen. You must get those cabinets in before the baby comes. Email me the cabinet-dude's number, I promise they WILL be done sooner.


(Warning for the sensitive: strong language and imagery ahead.)

Make those fuck-ors install the cabinets they have and hop to getting you new ones to undo their lame, inexcusable mistake. Once again, I am compelled to point out you have the ultimate weapon: threaten to feed your placenta to them raw if they do not bend to your will.


Wicked sucks... sounds like what my neighbor is going through. Their bathroom is JUST about done... she's due the 26th.

Also, I came back about the excel thing...you could just plug it all into expectnet.com and it will calculate a winner. Or so it says... anyway, hang in there girl


I hope the cabinet issue is resolved quickly. You've got enough to deal with. I had a really great Ikea experience this weekend - of course, I haven't opened all the boxes yet...


Your situation absolutely calls for a hysterical breakdown! Don't they know not to mess with you now? I would totally pull the pregnancy card on this one to get them to move faster!


That entry makes me want to make a sad face. I feel defeated just reading it.


Good grief! Makes me glad that I am just organizing my basement and garage before our baby comes in October.

Hang in there! Keep your eye on the prize - a new kitchen!!!!

Real Girl

Wee bright side? Any remaining flour beatles must now resemble the dust they love ever so much...

I'm going to have to redo my kitchen cabinets in another year or so, and I am scurred. Of course, since mine is a teeny tiny New York kitchen, Les Cabinets must be custom made. Joy. So, other bright side? Looking at your sheer amount of cabinetry is enough to make this NYC apartment dweller drool...


Man, that f-ing sucks! But that's so self-evident. :-\



My hubby and I went and picked up our cabinets yesterday! What a mess! I barley got through it and I am not even pregnant....good luck!


Whoah-what a mess... The whole internet feels for you in sympathy, I guess...
Get some chocolate for you, and a threat suggested by Ginger for those who refuse to remedy the situation.

BTW:You know, we are remodelling our - house. Our kitchen has literally no back WALL. Only a plastic wall. And winter is ahead. And winters are serious over here.


WHAT the ... ? Those kitchen cupboard Nazis!!!!!!

Stretch marks? Am. Shocked. Not. You!? I'm sure you're still adorable and with all the lotions and potions you know about will fade those fucktards fast!!!


Oh my word. I am so sorry - I'm getting frustrated, and I'm neither pregnant nor redoing my kitchen!

Have you threatened to give birth on the kitchen cabinet people's showroom floor? Do they know you're pregnant? If not, you should definitely throw the pregnancy card around.


Dear sweet Jeebus, I feel your pain. We did the kitchen remodel back in July and it was nonstop hell on wheels.

Did you try crying? Not that I advocate such manipulative ways... except when they work for me.


jeez louise you are holding it together better than i would. see? i'd take the sledgehammer to ALL of it: new cabinets, old cabinets, whatever's in my path. (no wonder hubby keeps it locked up!)

and that would be just a warm up.

hang in there, it will all work out.

(and don't you just want to kill me for saying that?)

Bonanza Jellybean

I think I would still be crying... then I would call and unleash hell over the phone at the evil cabinet people.

Raise all kinds of hell, and then blame it on the hormones. You have an automatic out.


i also have stretch marks that erupted seemingly overnight somewhere around the 37th-38th week mark. i want to sue the damn author of the book that said if i was going to have them, i would have had them a long time ago.

also, i'm three days past my due date and the doctor just told me i haven't progressed any since last week. pregnancy is no longer enjoyable.


Dear God - I think they should have pregnant women running the government. Imagine all that could be handled while under so much stress. Hang in there - too much stress isn't good for you - it makes you constipated.


Oh. My. God. I thought for sure, you had to be joking. I wish you were. OK, if you think it would help At All, then I agree that this would be a good time to play the Pregnancy Card. Otherwise, just, oh my god.


you have taken nesting to a new level and i must say i bow down before you. most of us start washing stupid things like baseboards. you? you redo your kitchen, top to bottom. now that's nesting, sister.

it is no wonder that you have crumbled in the face of this cabinet mishap. it is no wonder and if i were you i would have someone on the phone and vow that if your kitchen is not finished your baby having experience will be forever ruined and put it on their heads and see if anyone dares suffer that guilt for life. who would want to live with that?


most important point I learned from just doing my kitchen: when the vendor tells you it takes 4-7 weeks to get your cabinets they are lying. It only takes 2 weeks to get replacement cabinets if you bug the cabinet rep from the manufacturer. As for stretch marks, I have triplets - need I say more?

Jay Gatsby

I remember when my wife was at your stage of pregnancy and we were trying to finish the reno of our home. Each and every contractor was scared to death of her. I came home one day to find the 6'8" 300 lb ex marine hardwood floor guy walking her dog around the block for her. My advice - go nuts on them! Get husband involved. Good cop pregnant cop time. We had electricians at our place 'til 10pm - its time to do what must be done.


Holy crap. Just hearing about it stresses me out.

Poor Amalah.


am so sorry about everything! sending warm fuzzys your way.


Your drawer looks fabulous. Kudos.

Sorry about your kitchen fiasco. Apparently them dudes have no idea what a pregnant woman scorned is capable of. I hope all is finished in good time and waaaaay before mister dudde shows up so you can get plenty of nesting and pot and pan rearranging in....



Stretch marks? One word: StriVectin!

Use as directed. It works. I swear and I would not lie to a pregnant woman with stretch marks. (It also does the trick on wrinkles btw).


Huuummmm.... tell the contractor you're going to hold final payment exactly the amount of time he holds your cabinets... ie. if the cabinets take another two weeks, then hold payment for two weeks after the job is finished. Just tell him you're going to do that and see how fast the cabinets get finished and put in!


All of this stretch mark talk is making me very upset. I'm going to get that StriVectin stuff. I hope it works.

Amy I'm so sorry for your breakdown. I know how you feel. I just had one this morning (for a completely different reason-- my husband got LOUD with me at 4:30 in the morning. the nerve of that ass.). I hope your kitchen gets done soon and you are happy again. Have a slice or two of cake. And a Snickers ice cream bar.


Poor pregnant woman! I insist you retire immediately to the nearest Ritz for rest and recuperation.

RockStar Mommy

There is no (woman) judge who would convict you if you burnt down the building in which all these stupid fucks work. I got your back until 7:30 tomorrow morning - after that, I'd probably go to jail. 'Cause burning shit down when you're not pregnant is just plain old Left Eye Crazy.


That would piss me off and I'm not even pregnant. Never fear, my dear; things WILL get done. Now, deep cleansing breaths; in through the nose, out through the mouth...


A mindless comment because I keep forgetting to put NOSPAM in my email addy. There's nothing to see here, move along.


de-lurking to say:

wow, you just convinced me that my kitchen is perfectly fine the way it is. My husband will be sending you flowers. :-)

and stretch marks? you guys are seriously worried about stretch marks? i have so many from puberty that i look like i gave birth to twins. does it bother me or my husband? no. trust me, if you use lotion every day on them, very soon they will almost dissapear. at the least they will fade to become the exact color of your skin and the only way you'll know they're there is because you know where to look. personally i'm more worried about my breasts staying this large (can we say custom sized bra? eeek!) and supposidly less enjoyable sex.


That sucks!
I'd threaten them with bodily harm and tell them that you're pregnant so you don't have to worry about getting charged with anything.

Lisa Ann

You defintely need some cake!!


**Note to self: Begin nesting period of pregnancy approximately 6 months prior to conception.

suzanna danna

Poor Amalah... let Sheryl call the guy... she'll give him the what for!


OMG I am so v v sorry. This calls for Coach retail therapy. Clearly.


Oh man, I'm sorry. That would drive me to tears even NOT pregnant. What crappy timing. :(


just cry right at them. that'll scare them into submission.

baby timeline schmimeline. according to your last post, and what my sister says, you've potentially got 4 days past your due date anyway. but you know, little babalah may have his own agenda...i'm sure he's dying to get his mitts on all his loot. ;)

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