In Which I Do Not Talk About My Kitchen
No, I Am Not Off Having the Baby Right This Very Moment

I Barely Even Thought About My Kitchen This Weekend...

...because the fabulous Diana came to visit.

Lushad

Diana brought me spiced wafers and trashy magazines, tolerated my putting us on the wrong bus to Georgetown, ignored the fact that it took me 20 minutes to find all the pieces to my coffee maker and also walked my dog so I could take care of important things, like sitting down.

(Diana is now Ceiba's best friend in the entire world, and that dog was clearly and openly pissed when I returned home on Sunday afternoon without her.)

We took not one, but two trips to Lush, purchased approximately 97 bath bombs and openly abused a tester container of $78 moisturizer, spent forever in Sephora in search of Chanel lipgloss and the perfect green eyeshadow, decided that Paris Hilton's perfume smells exactly like filthy whore, and bought lots and lots of wee baby boy clothes.

Jason took us to a fancy restaurant like the divas we are, schooled us on why the 2002 vintage is the best for Burgundy, got wasted on said Burgundy and then broke our new wine glasses from Target by accident, which was really funny and this totally absolved Diana for knocking her water glass clear across the table at dinner earlier.

Broken_2

(It's very interesting being the sober one and realizing that your loved ones are hilarious drunks.)

After Jason done passed out cold, we stayed up to watch Gilmore Girls reruns, applied face masks from Lush and then poked my belly for a good 20 minutes to get the baby to move around and entertain us.

And we discussed Serious Issues, including:

1) Racism: The real thing vs. your friends just being assholes.

2) FEMA, suckage of.

3) The Food Network, awesomeness of.

4) Natural childbirth, batshit craziness of.

5) What it was like to be in DC on September 11, 2001.

6) Who is costarring with CuteDean from Gilmore Girls in Supernatural, and oh my God, it's not Freddie Prinze Jr., right? Please tell me it's not. (It's totally not, but we were Very Scared there for a moment.)

7) Celebrity couples whose divorces we would take personally (i.e. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson).

8) What a perfume by Tara Reid would probably smell like (i.e. chlamydia and condoms).

9) How that's Dick Cheney's mansion right there, Diana, which she really didn't care about, especially since I totally interrupted an important story about her hair to point it out.

10) How starting sentences with the word "dude" is NOT lame, but merely a way of adding emphasis, as in, "DUDE, it is very important that you listen to what I say next, because DUDE, it's crazy."

Now, I ask you, could you imagine a better weekend? Because I, for one, cannot. At all.

P.S. That first photo? Some random guy in the street took for us. And he claimed to be a "maternity photographer" and made Di put her hand on my belly like that. After he handed the camera back we realized that he snapped approximately eleventy hundred pictures and was probably nothing but a big weirdo perv.

P.P.S. BUT JESUS GOD IN HEAVEN, THAT BELLY IS GIGANTIC. How am I still walking upright?

Comments

Jessie

I agree, that belly is HUGE! But? You still look great. And ew to creepy stranger taking so many pictures. That's messed up!

JustLinda

Awww... cute picture (hi little baby in there getting ready to be born!!).

Sounds like a fun weekend. I'm new to your blog and have been enjoying it immensely.

Heather B.

1) I went to Lush 3 times this weekend
2) When I lived on Mass (down the street from Dick Cheney's) friends that came to visit would always be shocked that we were practically neighbors.
3) I just started reading your blog and I totally heart it
4) I start every sentence with dude. Including when speaking to my boss.

Sarcomical

okay, so LUSH twice in one weekend? sick, sick and i am so jealous and also of the sephora visit which, okay, makes me tear up a little bit.

but seriously, what a cute little baby you've got stuffed under that shirt, he is quite the "helloooo look at me i am protruding and also round" kind of wee one, isn't he?

"maternity photographer"? ick, methinks "perverty icky man" might better fit. ah well, at least you got some photo documentation of the day!

suzanna danna

Dude? Was in the same zip code as a Lush store when in Chi-town over Labor day and did not even step one little toe inside and now? I am crying. Crying.

The bellah? She's beeeg. (Since when did I adopt a Fat Bastard accent?)

But you are oh, so cute.

Glad you ladies had a great time. Love the pic of Jason. What is eating his face?

Heather

Damn, girl, that is a big belly! But you still manage to look totally adorable.

Martha

That is the most frighteningly beautiful belly that I've ever seen! (And I totally mean that in a good way.)

Ms Meh

How the hell are you not falling over?

Mmm, methinks I should make a "birthday trip" to Lush on Saturday... where the heck is it?

KT

Yes, please explain the PPS!

zoot

I actually just called my husband and said, "OHMIGOD. Go look at amalah's belly."

We are both in awe of your belly and even discussed momentarily if it could be (a) A trick of photography or (b) A prosthetic belly because HOLY SHIT ITS SO BIG.

And yet somehow? Even with the giant belly? You look gorgeous. How do you do that?

Real Girl

Baby is obviously kicking back, chilled out horizontally within your wombalah. Because that? Is just to big to be a curled up snuffly little boy. Hang on. You weren't impregnated by a handful of magic beans, were you?

As for beauty products (swoooon!) Lush Sympathy for the Skin? Heaven in a tub. The Honey lip balm? Oh my God. Tasty and moisturizing.

Angela

You look so great! What a belly!

I have a technical question to ask you: sometimes when I click on a picture on your site, it appears on my desktop in a larger version, but other times it is downloaded, and then I am unable to open it. Do you know why this happens? I am a complete computer moron, so I have no idea, and I thought you might know, oh glorious Queen of Everything!

Thanks!

Diana

The best thing about my knocking a water glass over? I was drunk, doing my impression of being MORE drunk, when it happened. Yes, I'm sure that falls uner the "hilarious drunk" heading.

laura

I love your blue sash, underneath the YOOOGE belly, holding on for dear life. "Help! Help! I'm Amalah's sash and the belly is about to consuuuuume me!" How is your belly that big, and the rest of you so tiny?

cai

THE BEEELLLLYYY!! Gah!!! How is you are still so cute and smiley? I'm going to change my due date forecast to, um, yesterday!

zanie

Beautiful Belly! I think it's so cute how you are totally carrying him ALL up front. I bet you don't even look pregnant from the back!

I've not heard of Lush but apparently I'm going to have to check into it! I thought it was a liquor store or something. Yes, I AM a dork, why do you ask?

jomama

High holy hell, woman!! How is that belly possible? It's so incredibly huge. BUT, you are still very cute, because you haven't seemed to gain an ounce anywhere other than your belly. I'm just in awe.

You should show this picture to your son whenever he gets out of line. "Don't you dare talk back to me young man. Do you see what I went through to get you on this planet?"

Marthachick

Right there with you on the humongous belly, and not having nearly as much sassy girly fun as you ladies are. Too much sweat and napping going on down here...

Lisa

I don't think I was ready for that belly.

I hate your Lush and your Sephora, because here in Arkansas (a/k/a the Armpit of America) we have to buy our makeup at the Wal-Mart. Which totally totally sucketh.

Kathryn

oh. my. god. Amalah! Do you realize that your child is ALREADY larger than you are??? You are but a tweensy little thing, and that baby? GIGUNDO!!!!!!! It honestly looks like you stuffed a beachball (or eight) up your shirt... I am just in shock...

Don't lie--Diana's just got her hand on your belly to keep you from tipping over, doesn't she? You can admit it to us--you've hired yourself a full-time bellyholder.

TB

Dude, I can only HOPE I look that good when I'm pregnant. Who am I kidding? I don't even look that good now. I would hate you if you weren't so nice.

andi

Youuuuuu have outdone yourself today girlie!! THIS was hysterical.

EnglishSally

I couldn't think of a decent name hence the English Sally. We have Lush everywhere here, my boyf buys me lush stuff every bday, xmas, valentines etc- because he is not v original but is all good. I recommend mask of magnaminty to scrub on yr legs stops ingrowing hairs (not that I ever get those) tip of the day! also the 'big' shampoo is really rthe best shampoo in the world- makes blondie hair SHINE. Can't wait for photos of the babalah Amy I'm excited!! x

lissa

You so deserved a great weekend, and I'm glad you had it! Now don't hold back and tell us what great products you bought! The internet needs all the help we can get.

Also are you counting down till gilmore girls starts tomorrow? Because I think I am crawling out of my skin to see what luke says! (yes i have no life so don't run it in)

Zoe

So, I was just about to ask,"What does chlamydia smell like?" and I realised the answer would indeed be "Tara Reid". Then you think, "But what does Tara Reid smell like?" Then, my friends, you've got youself a Chicken/Egg situation.

(You're soooooo getting the dirty Googlers on my behalf. You're welcome :))

Also, um, that baby has to be coming out before the 28th, right?

lissa

i meant it rub it in... i also can't type. :(

Amy

Holy belly batman. My husband is working from home today and sitting next to me and I swung thw monitor toward him and said "Check out this girl who's blog I read -- she's due in like two weeks." And his eyes got VERY big.

I am not sure you can physically get any bigger. Yet the rest of you remains wee. I am very jealous and you are my pregnancy role model!

dorrie

My.
God.
That.
Belly.

Wow.

Bonanza Jellybean

I think you're going to pop soon. Just wanted to warn you. You might want to tell Jason to stand back! :)

The photographer thing kind of creeped me out... it reminded me of a guy who told me once "Pregnant chicks are hot because you don't have to worry about knocking them up."

I'm not kidding.

shokufeh

Dude, what a belly!
I feel perfectly justified in saying that because:
1) you brought it to our attention, and
2) I've got the 6-weeks-after-you version, complete with everyone questioning my due date and the number of creatures within.

At first, I thought you'd stuck a little extra padding under your shirt.
You look great!

Nola

Dude! You are going to steal my thunder! Also, can't wait for the prince of television to arrive!

Cagey

What? You didn't discuss Britney's impending birth of her FederFetus? How can you miss the weekly rag covers chronicling her every iced latte purchase?

Regardless, sounds like it was a lovely weekend!

Amalah

Of course we discussed Britney, as the trashy mags Diana brought were full of her looking awful and trashily pregnant (says the girl who is wearing one of her husband's undershirts in that first photo, but hell, at least I'm covered).

But honestly, Brit's talking about a scheduled c-section on the 23rd and I am so ridiculously consumed with fear that my baby will be born the same day. Di and I lectured him strongly about this, and I blocked it all out when I wrote this entry, and now I'm reminded and am very stressed out.

Although the cashier at Lush said I looked so much better than BritBrit, so there.

Broad

DUDE! Are you sure that's a boybalah and not a ... well, I don't know what, but it's YOOOOOGE! YOOOOGE, I tell you, and on your wee little legs, too.

Yeah, we're going to be hating how teeny you're going to be after you give birth. Just you wait.

Heather

It really is a very significant belly. You look gorgeous, and, um, ripe, I guess?

Nico

Sounds like you had a great weekend Amy - yay for you and yay for Diana for helping take your mind off the kitchen debacle!

BTW, you look fabulous!

jamie

Interesting. I don't think your boobs are any bigger. That sucks, eh? It was the best part of my pregnancy!

missbanshee

I'm amazed you don't have a very small person walk ahead of you holding up that bellahlah. Holy gravity, Batman, how DO you stay upright??? Does Babalah have a goddamn lawn chair in there with him? Or perhaps a California King bed?

Lori

Tara Reid's "Chlamydia and Condoms" perfume literally made me weep with laughter. Plus I can totally smell the Paris Hilton Dirty Whore perfume right now. Have I ever mentioned I have met her? Well, sort of, because I am short and fat and I live in Texas, and so am totally not her kind of people? Yeah, she really is that skinny, not to mention twelve feet tall, snobby and completely vapid.

crystal

i've always called my brother dude. every time i see him, it's always DUDE! i'm surprised i even remember his real name anymore, because it's always DUDE! i've been made fun of for this, but DUDE i can't help it.

Annie

You look like a very adorable human version of jiffy pop. Don't go near the stove -- you may burst.

Manda

I'm not sure if anybody answered this or not (in a hurry, can't read comments) but the co-star in Supernatural is Jensen Ackles. He was on Days of Our Lives for a little while playing .. I forget who. Sami's twin brother, i think. anyway, he graduated from the high school I went to for a year, the year before i started going there. but i walked the same halls he did, damnit. he was also in some toher stuff, but i'm sure imdb will be more than happy to help you out (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0010075/)

Abbie

I just wanted to say I'm so glad you had a good weekend - because I'm on bedrest for preterm labor and soooo glad I have something interesting to read!!!! :)

JenfromBoston

Commenting on your love of all newsies (People, US Weekly,etc.) Does anyone remember So I Married An Axe Murderer - the part where Charlie's mom refers to some National Enquirer-type rag as "the paper"?:
May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.
Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
Anyway, in reading my version of "the paper" (In Touch - though this is almsot 2 wks old) Brit is said to have "researched all birthing options and decided on underwater deivery...ease the amt. of pain giving birth." Never one to just leave it at that, she filling this special pool with 1,000 one-liter bottles of "specially blessed Kabbalah water costing a whopping $3,800." So, there you go. You know, from "the news".

And Amalah, you look great. Way to put Jason's shirt to work.

Shiz

YOU. ARE. HUGE.

Babalah, aren't you ready to come out yet?

callistawolf

Are you sure that isn't a basketball under there? Did you gain ANY weight that isn't in that belly? Seriously, adorable babalah belly!

Dr. Johnny Fever

The last time I saw something that big sticking out from the front of someone, well... never mind

Lisa V

Oh cupcake, you deserve more d------ds for carting around that beach ball. Well it will make revenge all that more sweet when you are a cute little size six again. Bitch.

Prissy

That is nothing but baby! You are so gorgeous pregnant! It is all baby! I wish I had looked like that! That is what is considered glowingly pregnant. Lisa V was right, you'll be teeny again before you know it.

Franci

Amy, your belly is now bigger than you! Wow! That is something you can be proud of! This is what you are able to produce from your own body! (Allright, your dh has definately added something to say, induce the events :)))
The first picture is so great!
Still, the way Diana puts her hand on your belly reveals that the photographer must have been an eager-preggo-perv, but thankfully, a friendly one.
Good luck, the time is near!

PaintingChef

Oh. Good. Lord. That kind of looks like it HURTS...are you so ready to meet that little babalah? I bet he's going to be such a CUTIE!

And um...yeah...what IS that in Jason's mouth?

Peyton

The Food Network rocks. And online is even better - free Paula Deen recipes so I can NEVER lose the baby weight!

FEMA sucks, agreed. Natural childbirth is batshit crazy, agreed. (Hee, my friend Robin had a baby on Sept. 1. She was gonna do the natural thing but was begging for the epidural by 3 cm. I tried really hard not to say I told you so.)

And, I feel so uneducated - what, pray tell, is LUSH? What have I been missing? I am well schooled in the virtue of Sephora, but I have never heard of Lush!

warcrygirl

Sometimes the word 'dude' IS the sentence.

"Wow, did you see the outfit on that chick?"

"Dude!"

"Totally."

And yes, I was born and raised in SoCal. Dude.

Pam

Do you have an Assistant Amalah who will be able to alert us when you go to the hospital to deliver your beach ball - I mean - baby?

I can reluctantly admit that giving birth trumps blog updates, but... How will we be able to send Happy Slippery Delivery Thoughts to you if we don't know the very minute you leave for the hospital????

mapletree7

Of course it took you twenty minutes to find the pieces of the coffee maker. You hadn't had any coffee yet.

Kitty

Sounds like you had a great weekend! Yes that belly is huge, but not for long!
And good thing that creepy guy didn't take all those pictures and then run off with your camera...

Kate

I think that qualifies as a "Bellay."

You look gorgeous and pretty and pregnant and I would hate you if I didn't already like you so much.

Amanda

DAMN! That belly is HUGE! Be careful you might tump over :) You're still beautiful and glowing like crazy.

Lisa Ann

I will fight the temptation to begin this comment with dude. YES! You got yourself one hell of a belly! And look great. Talk about a bundle of joy.

Isabel

Belly looks great. Good thing those things are only temporary.

And I thought Lush wasn't legal in the States. (who knows where I got that from). Maybe because we have to go up to Canada to buy it here in the Pacific Northwest. I l-o-v-e the flavor, Honey, I Bathed the Kids. Smells so good I want to eat it.

Amytoo

I've taken so long to post because I was shocked silent by the hugeness of your belly, Amalah. How can human skin stretch that much?!

Still, though, you're lookin' FANtastic!

HipMamaB

Oh! He's getting ready to make his grand entrance into the world!! I know that you are uncomfortable, but try to enjoy these last weeks (er, days? minutes?) there will be a time when you will miss the feeling.

No, I'm not high. I promise you.. one day you will miss it.

supine

To echo, like, everyone else who commented so far -- oh my god, YEAH your belly is mind-blowing! I am in awe. It's an adorable photo, you both have very cute smiles.

Deb

You look beautiful. New to the blog and love every entry.

A question: how is your mom? Hope she's well and I KNOW she can't wait to hold that baby!

Kentucky_Kitty

You are, without a doubt, the cutest little pregnant lady I've ever seen. And Diana's blog is the second funniest I've ever read! That pic of Jason "having brontosaurus" sent me into gales of laughter!

Dillygirl

Your belly is awe-inspiring! Wow.

I can't wait to see the little guy (soon?) and hear about his little quirks and personality. Judging from your tummy, it seems he's got an affinity for the horizontal. Maybe he'll be a luge sledder some day!?

baseballmom

Holy babalah...he wants out!!!

Green_Canary

If Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson broke up, I might be forced to play in traffic.

Amalah, check out the CDK website (www.cdkenterprises.com). They have this stuffed rooster named Melvin the Elvis Rooster that I think the bubalah needs! You can never have too many stuffed roosters dressed like Elvis. It's priceless.

Pavlina

That is a huge belly. The baby must be laying horizontally or something. Poor you.

Also, I must be the only person alive who doesn't like Lush, sorry. I just don't get it. I love Sephora though, and please for the lady who live in Arkansas, go online. They take returns if you don't like the color.

I must also be the only woman on here who thinks it is batshit crazy to let some person stick a needle in my spine to lessen the pain of childbirth. Ouch. And yes, I have already had a baby, naturally. And no, I never asked for an epidural.

Lori

Epidural - never felt it going in.

S

Dude, are you sure there's only one babalah in there?

DavidS

Holy crap, your belly is surreally huge. You look mahvelush, of course, but, damn girl, are you having ridiculous back pain? You should wear one of those back-thingies, with suspenders, that UPS guys wear -- except more coture-y.

shannon

That does sound like a way fun weekend. I'm jealous of your perfect pregnancy arms. Mine resemble inner tubes at the moment.

Real Girl

of course whenever you go a day without posting, I'm like--early baby! the baby's here! the belly couldn't take no mo'!

PaintingChef

I was thinking the same thing Real Girl!!

Amytoo

Me too!

Especially when her belly was that ginormous over the weekend!

Zoe

Amalah - Radar Online says that a "very reliable source" tells them that BritBrit is having a c-section to unleash Cletus the Fetus unto the world at this very moment.Which gives you a brilliant chance of not delivering Babalah on the same day! Rejoice!

Diana

Pavlina - I also had a drug free childbirth, and I'd take a needle in the spine RIGHT NOW if you told me it would erase even the memory of how badly it hurt. But, I must not be as super awesome as you are, poor me.

Kathryn

I was just coming on to report the Federspawn news, but I see that someone beat me to it... Let us all hope that Amalah is not giving birth today.. Babalah has been warned. :)

Franci

Pavlina - I agree!
and I would go gladly into details as the type of pain and the feelings evoked, the complete unnecessity of pain-killing in general and such, but this is not my blog, not my child, not my choice.
Let people have their choices.

And each time Amy is late with posting I also think it's "baby-time"....
But appearantly, not yet.

girplease

You're popping that kid out right now, aren't you?

cai

Alas, Brit-Brit had the baby, a boy. So Boybalah! You must now enter the world as a warrior against this dark nemesis--a beacon of taste and wit against the spawn borne of cheeto dust and uggs. Smack-it-down, soldier. Smack-it-down.

Amanda

I don't think I've ever seen anyone as pregnant as you! You are way too cute. :)

sandra

As I understand it, Amy is happy to get presents and compliments. These are no intrusion on her privacy, but what she coes not care for is any advice or feedback on certain issues, namely her delivery, which she regards as private-- even while sharing ever last physical detail of her pregnancy with the online world. Is this not a little bit of the case of unrealistic expectations? If you invite the internet into your private life, and ask it for gifts, why be suprised or offended when you ALSO get feedback, comments. And perhaps some of those comments were VERY helpful for other pregnant or soon to be pregnant women, even if they did personally offend you.

SEND GIFTS NOT ADVICE! is the bottom line.

sandra

SEND GIFTS NOT ADVICE! is the bottom line.

stephanie

I had never gone into Lush before I read this, but immediately checked out their website and then headed over there the next day... they should give you some sort of commission considering the amount of money that I am now sure to spend there during my lifetime.

Amalah

Oh, shut up, Sandra.

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